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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to wish my husband wouldn't call for a "chat" at lunchtime?

241 replies

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 14:02

I don't mind if there's a reason for calling, but random chats everyday, often after having already texted to ask how my day's going, are a bit much. Especially when I'm at work. I have nothing to say and I just want to get on with my day! We'll speak later at home! Anyone else or am I a grumpy, ungrateful cow?! The most annoying thing is that he will call me, then expect me to make conversation!
If anyone is sympathetic to my cause, any ideas on how to gently ask him to cease and desist unless there's something to say?!

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:51

WallaceinAnderland · 27/04/2023 15:34

OP don't you think it's a bit strange that you can't just tell him?

Not strange because he's is sensitive but I do struggle with his sensitivity and how to deal with it when we have issues.

OP posts:
IAteAllTheTomatoes · 27/04/2023 15:52

Just out of curiosity, has it always been this way or is it a recent thing?

In my experience, I found myself calling people at lunch time at times when work is very chaotic. I was doing it alot last December but it would be different people every day. It was like I just needed to speak to someone wasn't obsessed with deadlines and under pressure. To talk to someone normal about things outside work helped me recharge for the second half of the day.

Yes, incredibly self indulgent of me & annoying for those getting the call.

Is he stressed or just fatigued by work by any chance? Why is he doing it because he wouldn't be unless there was some benefit to him. Could also be anxiety or control etc. The reason is important & will tell you how best to address it for you both.

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:52

SparklyBlackKitten · 27/04/2023 15:34

I sound cranky
Apologies

But I do mean it
Just talk to him and be honest :)

😆 Thank you. It's tricky when he hasn't reacted well to "feedback" in the past. Anything g for an easy life sometimes but I do need to figure out how to tackle these things.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 15:52

I'm also wondering what ‘touching base’ entails, tbh.

herbaceous · 27/04/2023 15:52

I too envy these terribly healthy types who can actually tell their partners when they're being a PITA, without eliciting a 'hurt face', or slamming of kitchen cupboards.

It's not always as straightforward as 'why can't you just tell them?' < smug shrug>

BSB30 · 27/04/2023 15:55

Scotlandma · 27/04/2023 15:29

Personally I find the people calling it needy a bit odd.

I’m not sure if it’s an age thing my parents are happily together and don’t speak at all throughout the day unless it’s important.

but myself and my partner message every few hours and probably call up to 3 times a day for quick catch ups. neither myself or my partner cares if one of us doesn’t answer or reply but we enjoy talking to each other

to the person who said they’d run out of things to talk about what do you do when you have to actually spend time with them? At weekends or evenings out…

Same here. Me and DH will call each other if we are away or out and want to tell the other something. We always have something to say to each other. Most of the time we are in the house together 24/7 so it's a good job we like chatting 😁.

I don't understand not want to talk to your partner for days on end.

2Rebecca · 27/04/2023 15:55

I'd take to being out at lunch time but would never have got in to a daily chat scenario in the first place. It sounds a bit controlling. It's concerning you can't just tell him you'd like the check up calls to stop. He sounds very needy and as though you must revolve around him

WoofWoofBeachLife · 27/04/2023 15:57

You're not alone 😆 my Husband prefers to blether and I don't. When we were in the early days he would always phone, and always at the most stupidest times! I was wrestling with leads and dogs, picking up shite (I was a dog walker) or I had a group I couldn't take my eyes off for a second. I eventually said don't phone me, I seriously cannot talk and focus on work, I didn't get any breaks. He knows I'm not a chatter. Now I'm not working we text throughout the day. He's a communicator, I'm a mute unless someone entices me out my crab shell with a decent conversation 🤣
If I have something to say that's important and he's working I will voice message on WhatsApp. Emergencies I would obviously call. My MIL is a wee gossip and is on the phone all the time. She loves a wee phone call chat xx

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/04/2023 15:58

Is he an extrovert and you and introvert? He might not understand the concept of just wanting a bit of a break from interaction in your lunchtime

Marmite27 · 27/04/2023 15:58

It’s taken me 19 years to break my husband of this habit. It’s absolutely infuriating!

Newpeep · 27/04/2023 15:58

Husband and I message if there is something to say. He WFH and me out. Some days we 'chat' a lot and some nothing. I wouldn't say it's needy. We're a close couple (24 years together) and we share a sense of humour. It's often silly things we message about.

I am early 40s. My older colleagues are FAR more tied to their phones than I am. I can go hours or even days without mine. If someone has an emergency they know to call me. I've always got it on me but stuffed in a pocket somewhere. So I don't think it's an age thing.

StreetSpirit3 · 27/04/2023 15:59

Maybe some days you can answer but other days just text to say sorry you can’t talk as you’re really busy and you’ll catch up later?

Newyearnewmeow · 27/04/2023 16:00

PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 15:52

I'm also wondering what ‘touching base’ entails, tbh.

If we were in America playing Baseball it means we are scoring a run.
However, as we are neither of those things, I have no idea either!

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/04/2023 16:00

I have an old friend who calls me up in the middle of the working day for a chat (which if she had her own way would go on for an hour). She knows I have a high pressure job and she knows my working hours. I just never pick up when she calls. She chooses not to consider what I need and it's so entitled.

Thankfully my partner hates the phone and only calls in emergencies.

Newyearnewmeow · 27/04/2023 16:01

OP. You feel uncomfortable with it but telling him would make him feel uncomfortable.
Why do his feelings trump yours?

CoCoJones26 · 27/04/2023 16:02

My other half gives me a quick call on his way home, together 40 years, I'd miss it if he stops...everyone's different!

PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 16:03

herbaceous · 27/04/2023 15:52

I too envy these terribly healthy types who can actually tell their partners when they're being a PITA, without eliciting a 'hurt face', or slamming of kitchen cupboards.

It's not always as straightforward as 'why can't you just tell them?' < smug shrug>

After the hurt face and slammed door, do they stop/start doing the thing you asked them to? Do they take the feedback on board? And do you get an apology for their reaction?

I’m not trying to be smug, but if you can’t tell them you don’t like something, what do you do instead?

Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 16:05

For the posters confused/perplexed by the use of the phrase 'touch base', here's the Cambridge dictionary definition: Touch base definition

As I always say, the day I fail to learn something new is the day I'm dead. 🙂

You're welcome, btw.

touch base

1. to talk to someone for a short time to find out how they are or what they…

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/touch-base

Ragwort · 27/04/2023 16:05

BSB30 we just don't talk endlessly during the evenings and weekends ... married over 30 years so presumably it suits us Grin. We are going away for a week soon and I am actually worried that being together 24/7 will be too much! Maybe we are both really boring but I am not that interested in the details of his golf game and equally he's not that interested in my volunteering.....

PurpleWisteria1 · 27/04/2023 16:06

Unless there was a reason or one of us had problems or some upset or something I just don’t get what there is to talk about? I’ve never called anyone every day. One friend started it up once and bloody hell it was very annoying as she wanted a 1/2 hr -1 hr call and if I made moves to hang up before that she would say we’ve hardly chatted. Had to put a stop to the whole thing.
To be honest I think anyone who lives with you and sees you anyway and is also calling at lunchtime would be in my book needy / insecure or even controlling. A massive turn off for me if it’s a long term relationship / marriage. Brand new relationships are different as you are both just getting to know each other and probably won’t live together

HazyDragon · 27/04/2023 16:07

DH and I always call eachother during the day, even when we have nothing in-particular to say and when driving home.

Sometimes we have to cut it short if we get a work call or something, but I would be hurt if he said he'd rather not speak at all.

But on balance, I'm usually exhausted by the time we are all home and the kids are finally in bed and hate chatting when all I want to do is collapse in front of the TV!

PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 16:09

Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 16:05

For the posters confused/perplexed by the use of the phrase 'touch base', here's the Cambridge dictionary definition: Touch base definition

As I always say, the day I fail to learn something new is the day I'm dead. 🙂

You're welcome, btw.

I know what the term means, I’m wondering what it entails in the context of this thread.

Are people genuinely ringing up their partners every day, sometimes multiple times a day, sometimes on their way home from work (so will shortly see said partner) in order to ask how they are or what they think about something?

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 16:12

TellySavalashairbrush · 27/04/2023 15:37

I agree with you 100% op. My dh would ring several times a day if he could, but I have had to be honest and told him to stop. Work is work and home is home, I don't want to be having 'chats' when I am focusing. Plus there is sod all to talk about if you speak too often!

Agreed! Good to hear you resolved it.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 27/04/2023 16:14

Good grief! Every day! That would drive me mad.

We talk when we get home. Nearly 30 years married, so it works for us. If we did lunchtimes as well, I think we might have run out of things to say by now.

Scotlandma · 27/04/2023 16:18

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/04/2023 16:00

I have an old friend who calls me up in the middle of the working day for a chat (which if she had her own way would go on for an hour). She knows I have a high pressure job and she knows my working hours. I just never pick up when she calls. She chooses not to consider what I need and it's so entitled.

Thankfully my partner hates the phone and only calls in emergencies.

@Thepeopleversuswork …jheez I don’t think it’s entitled to call you, you could even say it’s entitled that you expect her to know your work schedule.

I don’t know why a phone call is a big deal I love when my friends call unexpectedly for a chat and if I’m not free I’ll send a text and call back when I am.