... to wish my husband wouldn't call for a "chat" at lunchtime?

[JAPB79]

I don't mind if there's a reason for calling, but random chats everyday, often after having already texted to ask how my day's going, are a bit much. Especially when I'm at work. I have nothing to say and I just want to get on with my day! We'll speak later at home! Anyone else or am I a grumpy, ungrateful cow?! The most annoying thing is that he will call me, then expect me to make conversation!
If anyone is sympathetic to my cause, any ideas on how to gently ask him to cease and desist unless there's something to say?!

I was raised pre-cell-phone when calling anyone at their workplace was frowned upon, outside true life-or-death emergencies. So to me, not being able to make through the day without a chat seems excessively needy.

What is there to talk about if you never go more than three or four hours without a conversation?

It's so long since I actually voiced an opinion, I can't remember whether it was taken on board or not! I've developed a variety of strategies, depending on the severity of the infraction.

If it's minor, just ignore and think of all good things. If it affects my day-to-day existence, rearrange existence so I don't have to mention it. Or develop PA strategies to get point across.

All very healthy, I think you'll agree.

Haha I understand this, my husband calls me every second he gets, wether it’s walking from one office to another or his 1.5 hour journey home, or even if he goes to the supermarket he calls me on the way home. it drives me mad, and he’s really not a needy guy either, so god knows what it is. I would normally answer though and just chat for a minute then say I’m busy

XH used to ring as soon as he got in the car at the end of his working day, and want to burble on for an hour as he drove home…

BUT I was still at work and trying to get stuff done before he and kids were home expecting tea…

I asked once if he could not do it and got the hurt face and “well if you don’t want to speak time” and all manner of PA grumpiness. I too wish I’d had a healthy type who didn’t take offence at the slightest possibility of me needing me time…grrr!

How would his ‘sensitivity’ manifest, @JAPB79, if you just told him the truth?

Ah, sweetheart. I don’t know what to say to that. I’m sorry and I hope there are positives to balance things out.

Saying ‘I don’t like this, please stop’ isn’t an option?

No way! YANBU. I quite often finish calls with DP as I feel I have nothing further to say and can't be arsed with the effort of thinking about it!! Bores me rigid.

Thanks @PousseyNotMoira. We rub along nicely, but on parallel lines.

I do sometimes try the 'humour' approach, as he is funny as well as touchy, which sometimes works. But it's a risky strategy.

How does a relationship even get to the stage where you can’t just say ‘please stop X’ because the other person will get offended? Like, you met, dated and eventually married someone to whom you cannot express basic preferences? How does that even work?

The first time he got the hump because you expressed a preference/desire, you just rolled over and then things spiralled? And now that’s your lot forevermore? WHY?!

And why are you all so terrified of ‘upsetting’ these men? The trauma of being asked to stop doing something is hardly going to scar them for life, they’ll get over it. Are you afraid of them? Seriously, what is all this?!

That would also annoy me! Its your break at work, you probably want a few minutes to eat your lunch and just rest your brain. I dont have a lunch break (work part time so work through) but it would annoy me if it was every day and just for a chat. We occasionally call each other if we need to check something urgent, if not, we chat in the evening over dinner, watching abit of tv etc. So yes agree with you completely.

Sometime around 2001, when my dad got a mobile phone, he took to calling my mum every day on his drive home from work. (Hands free but still not an ideal time to be calling.)

As far as I’m aware, he still does this. All the way home. Hangs up “when he can see the house” and then they continue their chats face to face.

It never made any sense to me as a teen and still doesn’t now. But whatever.

This is no help to you, OP. Just felt like sharing.

Agree- I would just jokingly tell my DH to stop bugging me, I need a break from work (not a chat) and we’ll talk in the evening. He wouldn’t be slightly offended.

Boiling frog, innit. It didn't seem worth the bother of putting up with silent treatment, etc, for one small thing (putting knives point down in the dishwasher was my request), so you end up not bothering saying anything.

Then you find yourself financially and childly enmeshed, and you have to work out ways of rubbing along.

Say that your ear started to hurt when you hold the phone near. Ouch! What did you say? Ouch! Can’t talk, bye 👋

I like to ‘work’ at work so does my Husband. We both dont look at mobiles (dont need them for our jobs). We interact all day with colleagues, the public etc and always chat about our day in the evenings.

I find it bizarre couples who dont live their own lives in the day and need constant 24/7 contact with each other.

Jesus, what on earth for? Your poor DH that’s suffocating

I think it's more general than scoring a run. In baseball, you have to "touch [the] base" (any base - first, second, or third), or you risk being tagged out. Runners can step off the base, but after each pitch they have to walk back and "touch base". So that expression has just come to mean checking in.

@PousseyNotMoira

I just like to chat I guess! If he doesn’t answer I try my sister, my mum and two of my friends before I give up and stick a podcast on.

As to why I’d be hurt, I’d never vocalise this, as I know it’s needy AF and I totally get wanting space from taking to someone every lunch when you live with them, but I guess my immediate reaction would be ‘He doesn’t want to talk to me!’ As I said, I’d never say it, but deep down I’d be a little wounded.

@Anonymous48

Yes…. I didn’t say it was logical!! 🙈🙈

Just be gentle about it if he’s a massive annoying baby super sensitive: ‘darling, I love hearing your voice but when I am in work mode I would rather not chat on the phone, it breaks my concentration and makes me wish I was home with you! (😂 butter him up with something like this…). Let’s save our chats for at home if that’s ok. Love you!!”

@Colourmylifewith

just to say hi! I’m on my way home now, I’m gonna call him and ask if he hates it!

So, you have no need for solo time at all? I mean, it’s not a crime! Extreme extraversion is a thing and while it’s not a trait I share, I don’t think it should be shamed. As long as the other person also wants to talk to you (which hopefully your DH does), all’s well.

Spicy 🤩 😆 I know. I do appreciate that it's a sign of affection. Which is why I feel a bit bad I suppose. Hopefully we can reach a happy compromise. But it's a hard no to toenail chat 😂

If he’s that bloody sensitive he should pick up on your not particularly enthusiastic reaction to him ringing every blinking lunch. And expecting you to initiate the conversation? Just let the awkward silence develop until he gets the message and buggers off.

Sensitive my arse.