Page 8 | ... to wish my husband wouldn't call for a "chat" at lunchtime?

JAPB79 · 2023-04-27T13:02:02+00:00

I don't mind if there's a reason for calling, but random chats everyday, often after having already texted to ask how my day's going, are a bit much. Especially when I'm at work. I have nothing to say and I just want to get on with my day! We'll speak later at home! Anyone else or am I a grumpy, ungrateful cow?! The most annoying thing is that he will call me, then expect me to make conversation! If anyone is sympathetic to my cause, any ideas on how to gently ask him to cease and desist unless there's something to say?!

Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:33

PurpleWisteria1 · 27/04/2023 16:06

Unless there was a reason or one of us had problems or some upset or something I just don’t get what there is to talk about? I’ve never called anyone every day. One friend started it up once and bloody hell it was very annoying as she wanted a 1/2 hr -1 hr call and if I made moves to hang up before that she would say we’ve hardly chatted. Had to put a stop to the whole thing.
To be honest I think anyone who lives with you and sees you anyway and is also calling at lunchtime would be in my book needy / insecure or even controlling. A massive turn off for me if it’s a long term relationship / marriage. Brand new relationships are different as you are both just getting to know each other and probably won’t live together

More the insecure side in this case.

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Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:34

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/04/2023 16:18

I was raised pre-cell-phone when calling anyone at their workplace was frowned upon, outside true life-or-death emergencies. So to me, not being able to make through the day without a chat seems excessively needy.

What is there to talk about if you never go more than three or four hours without a conversation?

I agree!

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Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 17:35

Oh gosh I could have written this post! Husband rings me everyday and I find it really quite irritating. Like you say unless it's really important or he has some real news to tell me I wish he'd just wait until he gets home and we can catch up properly. I find I've got absolutely nothing to say on these lunch time chats but would feel bad not answering his call. When we first started dating I would love a mid day chat on the phone but nearly 20 years in I'd rather not.

Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:35

Tatiepot · 27/04/2023 16:20

XH used to ring as soon as he got in the car at the end of his working day, and want to burble on for an hour as he drove home…

BUT I was still at work and trying to get stuff done before he and kids were home expecting tea…

I asked once if he could not do it and got the hurt face and “well if you don’t want to speak time” and all manner of PA grumpiness. I too wish I’d had a healthy type who didn’t take offence at the slightest possibility of me needing me time…grrr!

This is what I think I'll get 😑

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Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:36

Anderson2018 · 27/04/2023 16:20

Haha I understand this, my husband calls me every second he gets, wether it’s walking from one office to another or his 1.5 hour journey home, or even if he goes to the supermarket he calls me on the way home. it drives me mad, and he’s really not a needy guy either, so god knows what it is. I would normally answer though and just chat for a minute then say I’m busy

Why?!?! 😆

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PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 17:36

Tilliemolly · 27/04/2023 17:32

My friends husband recently passed away, I asked what do you miss the most about him, she said she misses her phone ringing or texting from him just to say hi, or a chat, that was about 20 times a day, alot I know, but it is funny what you miss when they are gone. I will leave you with that thought.

Ah, I knew there’d be one.

On every thread where anyone has a (generally perfectly valid) complaint about a spouse or a parent, there’s at least one of these. Never complain, ladies. Subsume your desires and preferences! For, one day, your loved one will be no more! That day may be thirty years hence, but it matters not!

Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:37

Abacusporttaco · 27/04/2023 16:20

How would his ‘sensitivity’ manifest, @JAPB79, if you just told him the truth?

Shut down and say fine ok but be not fine and not ok. The silent hurt treatment rather than talking it through. Immediately on the defence.

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Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:37

emmylousings · 27/04/2023 16:29

No way! YANBU. I quite often finish calls with DP as I feel I have nothing further to say and can't be arsed with the effort of thinking about it!! Bores me rigid.

Yes I do have to be the one to say time's up 😆

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2023a · 27/04/2023 17:37

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 17:35

Oh gosh I could have written this post! Husband rings me everyday and I find it really quite irritating. Like you say unless it's really important or he has some real news to tell me I wish he'd just wait until he gets home and we can catch up properly. I find I've got absolutely nothing to say on these lunch time chats but would feel bad not answering his call. When we first started dating I would love a mid day chat on the phone but nearly 20 years in I'd rather not.

So tell him!!!

Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:38

herbaceous · 27/04/2023 16:31

Thanks @PousseyNotMoira. We rub along nicely, but on parallel lines.

I do sometimes try the 'humour' approach, as he is funny as well as touchy, which sometimes works. But it's a risky strategy.

So tricky to navigate sometimes

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Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:39

2023a · 27/04/2023 16:34

How does a relationship even get to the stage where you can’t just say ‘please stop X’ because the other person will get offended? Like, you met, dated and eventually married someone to whom you cannot express basic preferences? How does that even work?

The first time he got the hump because you expressed a preference/desire, you just rolled over and then things spiralled? And now that’s your lot forevermore? WHY?!

And why are you all so terrified of ‘upsetting’ these men? The trauma of being asked to stop doing something is hardly going to scar them for life, they’ll get over it. Are you afraid of them? Seriously, what is all this?!

We met 12 years ago when I was still at a stage in my life where I went along with things for an easy life and didn't fully know who I was. I'm much more self-assured now but you get in to these patterns and then have to figure out how to get back out of them!

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LadyJ2023 · 27/04/2023 17:40

Total opposite hubby has always rang me in his breaktime the whole few years we have been together and I love it and we always have something to chat about either wether it's general stuff or about our 4 kids or occasionally plain smoochy lol. Love hearing him say love you or missing you and knowing he is ok and that he cares. I recently heard a lady say I'm sick of my mother calling as she hung up her mobile in a shop.....I smiled and said what I wouldn't give to see the words mam appear on my phone again...life's to short for some. She then said I never thought of that I'm going outside to return the call now...Because it will happen every single one of us one day the one we loves number will never appear again on our phone even for a quick hi and bye.

Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:40

CalpolDependant · 27/04/2023 16:39

Sometime around 2001, when my dad got a mobile phone, he took to calling my mum every day on his drive home from work. (Hands free but still not an ideal time to be calling.)

As far as I’m aware, he still does this. All the way home. Hangs up “when he can see the house” and then they continue their chats face to face.

It never made any sense to me as a teen and still doesn’t now. But whatever.

This is no help to you, OP. Just felt like sharing.

OMG 😱

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Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 17:40

PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 17:24

I imagine it would be. I’m not asking anyone to provide me with an all encompassing answer, just what it entails for them.

So, your daily ‘touching base’ call - what would that entail? What would you talk about?

Show quote history

It would differ day by day obviously.

Typically, it would be picking up on something we'd discussed the previous evening (I'm not a morning person, lol!) e.g. if he'd texted his daughter about whatever and, if so, how she'd responded. Followed by, him asking me if I got my annual leave approved and how much we were looking forward to how that leave would be used. Some time spent on what the Tories or Trump had been up to that morning.. Then we'd move on to perhaps what to have for dinner i.e. do I fancy anything in particular (he's home first and cooks)? Maybe then a wee in-joke about, say, his pronounciation of 'legumes' .....

Obviously, entirely banal to the outsider, but important to us. At dinner we'd pick up on where we left off regarding the things we discussed at lunch time and/or move on to new topics to discuss.

As I say, perhaps others would find that banal or ridiculous or whatever in the same way I find people sitting at table in a pub unable to communicate with each other or in a permanent drama-llama'ness ridiculous.

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 17:40

Yes seems the obvious solution doesn't it but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:41

SecondClassmyass · 27/04/2023 16:45

Say that your ear started to hurt when you hold the phone near. Ouch! What did you say? Ouch! Can’t talk, bye 👋

😂

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Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 17:41

That was to the poster who said jus tell him!

Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:42

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/04/2023 17:01

Just be gentle about it if he’s a massive annoying baby super sensitive: ‘darling, I love hearing your voice but when I am in work mode I would rather not chat on the phone, it breaks my concentration and makes me wish I was home with you! (😂 butter him up with something like this…). Let’s save our chats for at home if that’s ok. Love you!!”

😆 If I could say this with a straight face I might try it!

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Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:42

PuppyMonkey · 27/04/2023 17:07

If he’s that bloody sensitive he should pick up on your not particularly enthusiastic reaction to him ringing every blinking lunch. And expecting you to initiate the conversation? Just let the awkward silence develop until he gets the message and buggers off.

Sensitive my arse.

Fair point.

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Original poster

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 17:44

herbaceous · 27/04/2023 17:24

Are we with the same man? I actually get ignored if I say something he doesn't want to engage with. As if I haven't even spoken.

😳

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2023a · 27/04/2023 17:45

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 17:40

Yes seems the obvious solution doesn't it but I don't want to hurt his feelings.

And? Would he die? His feelings would be a bit hurt and he’d move on. It’s unlikely to cause lifelong trauma.

You're genuinely saying that, rather than communicate directly and perhaps cause him short term hurt feelings, you’re going to just tolerate decades of something you don’t like?

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 17:48

2023a · 27/04/2023 17:45

And? Would he die? His feelings would be a bit hurt and he’d move on. It’s unlikely to cause lifelong trauma.

You're genuinely saying that, rather than communicate directly and perhaps cause him short term hurt feelings, you’re going to just tolerate decades of something you don’t like?

Show quote history

I guess I've come to the conclusion that it's not a big enough issue to upset him over. It's irritating yes but I "won't die" either by continuing with the chats.

2023a · 27/04/2023 17:48

Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 17:40

It would differ day by day obviously.

Typically, it would be picking up on something we'd discussed the previous evening (I'm not a morning person, lol!) e.g. if he'd texted his daughter about whatever and, if so, how she'd responded. Followed by, him asking me if I got my annual leave approved and how much we were looking forward to how that leave would be used. Some time spent on what the Tories or Trump had been up to that morning.. Then we'd move on to perhaps what to have for dinner i.e. do I fancy anything in particular (he's home first and cooks)? Maybe then a wee in-joke about, say, his pronounciation of 'legumes' .....

Obviously, entirely banal to the outsider, but important to us. At dinner we'd pick up on where we left off regarding the things we discussed at lunch time and/or move on to new topics to discuss.

As I say, perhaps others would find that banal or ridiculous or whatever in the same way I find people sitting at table in a pub unable to communicate with each other or in a permanent drama-llama'ness ridiculous.

Show quote history

So, essentially, what most of us would talk about when we got home. With the possible exception of dinner plans, which would be a text/What’s App?

Again, do you have friends? Do you go out with said friends? Do you feel the need to ring him during said outings? And vice versa?

2023a · 27/04/2023 17:50

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 17:48

I guess I've come to the conclusion that it's not a big enough issue to upset him over. It's irritating yes but I "won't die" either by continuing with the chats.

Show quote history

So, things need to be a big deal for you to communicate directly about them? If you were irritating him, would he tell you? Would you want him to tell you?

herbaceous · 27/04/2023 17:59

That's the boiling frog thing isn't it. Little things aren't worth causing strops for, but then bigger things become not worth causing strops for either. And before you know it communication becomes fraught.