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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... to wish my husband wouldn't call for a "chat" at lunchtime?

241 replies

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 14:02

I don't mind if there's a reason for calling, but random chats everyday, often after having already texted to ask how my day's going, are a bit much. Especially when I'm at work. I have nothing to say and I just want to get on with my day! We'll speak later at home! Anyone else or am I a grumpy, ungrateful cow?! The most annoying thing is that he will call me, then expect me to make conversation!
If anyone is sympathetic to my cause, any ideas on how to gently ask him to cease and desist unless there's something to say?!

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 22:08

Verigio · 27/04/2023 18:37

@PousseyNotMoira

I actually consider myself a more of introvert! Although I definitely like to be social. I have plenty of solo down time in the evening, and we both make sure we take our daughter out on our own at the weekend so the other gets time alone, but there’s just something about car journeys and lunch breaks- they feel like dead time to me, and I like to fill them with a nice chat!

Introversion and extroversion are just about how you recharge. Some people recharge by being alone and having me time, if refreshes them. Some are refreshed by engaging with people/conversation. It sounded like you were in the latter group, but I obviously don’t know you! 😊

Do you not hang out together in the evenings, then?

PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 22:13

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 18:43

@2023a in other instances where we've had big discussions about housework etc he'll change for a while then slip back to old ways and we go through it all again 6 months later.

So, he’s not great with housework either, I take it?

Have you tried talking to him about all this as a character trait? Not the isolated incidents, but the fact that you cannot express yourself without him getting upset and stonewalling and he doesn’t take stuff on board?

This is really a bigger deal than just ringing you. Particularly when coupled with your fear of conflict. Have you ever considered counselling? Both individual and couple’s counselling might be really helpful.

PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 22:17

Peoplepissmeoff · 27/04/2023 22:02

I can communicate directly with him if I so wish whether it's a big deal or not, I'm choosing not to bother as it doesn't seem worth making someone I care about feel bad. I've made the choice not to say anything.
If I were irritating him no he probably wouldn't tell me, same reason, not wanting to upset someone he loves and cares about.
Again, no I probably wouldn't want to know if I were annoying him in some way, ignorance is bliss and all that.
My God you're annoying.

To be fair, your initial comment made it sound like it was something that had been annoying you for 20 years. I don’t think you can be cross if people question why you haven’t just said something. Particularly as, like you say, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

It’s a bit unusual to let something so minor be an irritation for decades because of the risk of mildly hurt feelings in the short term.

2Rebecca · 27/04/2023 23:13

If something I did on a daily basis annoyed my husband I'd rather he said something, particularly if it's something that's easy to change like stopping phoning someone when they are at work. Being irritated with your spouse every day unnecessarily isn't good for a relationship. Keeping the other person happy whilst feeling pissed off every day is not a positive thing

Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 23:23

2023a · 27/04/2023 17:31

You need to speak to your husband, who you see every morning and evening, every lunchtime to ground yourself? Do you suffer from anxiety? I’m just trying to understand this level of codependency.

I adore my DH. I enjoy communicating with him. But I also have a career, friends, family, other interests. I do not require that we be fused together. Do you have a career, friends, family, other interests?

Why are you so concerned about my (in your mind only) codependency?

You are not required to understand the inner functioning of anyone else's relationship. It's enough to know those within that relationship are genuinely happy with it, no?

To indulge you, and answer your questions:

No, I do not suffer from anxiety, nor does he.
Career - now retired (early) as is he.
Friends - yes, likewise him.
Family - yes, likewise him.
Other interests - yes some shared (football, politics, walking, trading stocks/shares), some not (crime programmes, interior design, answering arrogant/up their own arse posters on Mumsnet (lol) who believe they have the right to apply a template (that works/doesn't work for them) on others. Him - gym bunny, arty stuff, DIY etc.)

This is the ideal to which we strive in our relationship. We're pretty damned good at it. It's On Marriage, Kahlil Gibran:

Then Almitra spoke again and said, And
what of Marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you
shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white
wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance
between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond
of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from
one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat
not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each
other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain
your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near
together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow
not in each other’s shadow.

I hope this also answer covers your follow-up post demanding confirmation of my codependency. 🙄

lavenderhaz · 27/04/2023 23:28

Mine calls me about 3/4 times a day to blether away or update me on his whereabouts what he's having for lunch and what he's up to or how he got on at golf. Completely unnecessary but I don't mind. He texts memes and jokes too.

I'm very introverted btw and this would usually be my idea of hell but he's just so chilled and it never feels intrusive

Abacusporttaco · 28/04/2023 08:03

I am in work mode I would rather not chat on the phone, it breaks my concentration and makes me wish I was home with you!

😳

All these poor women allowing their working days to be interrupted, and dancing around to accommodate the inane verbal dribble of these pointless men, just so they don’t have to endure the manipulative or abusive silent treatment of their damaged little egos if they dare to say ‘I’m just a bit busy at the moment’, or ‘I can’t answer, I’m working’.

It’s grim.

JAPB79 · 28/04/2023 08:10

@PousseyNotMoira yes I have considered it and probably will do it at some point. You hope you'll be able to resolve issues over time but I do think things sometimes need more intervention. I have spoken to him about his reactions but it's hard to know how he can change these without him doing a lot of inner work. He needs to be ready I suppose.

OP posts:
JAPB79 · 28/04/2023 08:11

2Rebecca · 27/04/2023 23:13

If something I did on a daily basis annoyed my husband I'd rather he said something, particularly if it's something that's easy to change like stopping phoning someone when they are at work. Being irritated with your spouse every day unnecessarily isn't good for a relationship. Keeping the other person happy whilst feeling pissed off every day is not a positive thing

I know 🫤

OP posts:
JAPB79 · 28/04/2023 08:13

lavenderhaz · 27/04/2023 23:28

Mine calls me about 3/4 times a day to blether away or update me on his whereabouts what he's having for lunch and what he's up to or how he got on at golf. Completely unnecessary but I don't mind. He texts memes and jokes too.

I'm very introverted btw and this would usually be my idea of hell but he's just so chilled and it never feels intrusive

I never get memes or jokes from him (we do laugh a lot when we're together). Maybe that would help!

OP posts:
JAPB79 · 28/04/2023 08:18

Abacusporttaco · 28/04/2023 08:03

I am in work mode I would rather not chat on the phone, it breaks my concentration and makes me wish I was home with you!

😳

All these poor women allowing their working days to be interrupted, and dancing around to accommodate the inane verbal dribble of these pointless men, just so they don’t have to endure the manipulative or abusive silent treatment of their damaged little egos if they dare to say ‘I’m just a bit busy at the moment’, or ‘I can’t answer, I’m working’.

It’s grim.

If I said "I wish I was home with you" he'd know it was BS because he's well aware that that's just not my style 😆
I get your point about tip-toeing around people's egos. If he was a selfish, egotistical person in general I'd struggle but he's a great dad and husband and very patient. However he's also aware that I'll happily not talk to anyone all day so I suppose he is arguably putting his needs above mine in this particular scenario.
I didn't get to speak to him last night as he was out but we have a long drive today so I will bring it up.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 28/04/2023 08:34

I'd find that irritating. Dh texts. Even replying to that can be hard work on occasion. Fortunately we only call eachother if something very urgent.

whatyourodeinon · 28/04/2023 18:53

This is death by paper cuts. Tolerating things that irritate you to keep up an illusion sounds like Happy Valley

CatBirdFly · 28/04/2023 20:10

I just wanted to say how much I’m enjoying your replies, OP. Answering both sensible and not-so-sensible responses with patience, understanding, wit and no defensiveness. Can you come and moderate some of the threads on here in the lunch hours you’ll soon have free? Wink

JAPB79 · 29/04/2023 11:31

CatBirdFly · 28/04/2023 20:10

I just wanted to say how much I’m enjoying your replies, OP. Answering both sensible and not-so-sensible responses with patience, understanding, wit and no defensiveness. Can you come and moderate some of the threads on here in the lunch hours you’ll soon have free? Wink

Ah this has made my morning! Thank you @CatBirdFly

OP posts:
Tilliemolly · 30/04/2023 11:00

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