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AIBU?

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Original poster

... to wish my husband wouldn't call for a "chat" at lunchtime?

241 replies

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 14:02

I don't mind if there's a reason for calling, but random chats everyday, often after having already texted to ask how my day's going, are a bit much. Especially when I'm at work. I have nothing to say and I just want to get on with my day! We'll speak later at home! Anyone else or am I a grumpy, ungrateful cow?! The most annoying thing is that he will call me, then expect me to make conversation!
If anyone is sympathetic to my cause, any ideas on how to gently ask him to cease and desist unless there's something to say?!

OP posts:
theblackradiator · 27/04/2023 15:36

A work colleague of mine used to spend her entire lunch break every single day on the phone to her husband I always used to wonder what they found to talk about. it used to annoy me a bit to be honest as I always used to want a good chat with her myself as we were good friends and we couldn't really chat during working hours so lunch was our only chance. Every bloody day her H would ring. My dp and i have never been like this unless there is a specific reason to call each other. I couldn't be doing with it to be honest!

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:37

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2023 14:31

I find it needy too and my H does it 4 or 5 times a day. We work 'together' for ourselves, but I go to the coworking hub- but sometimes he calls me just about general stuff - he is at home WFH -

It's always driven me nuts- he thinks I'm odd that I don't much go for it

And he still hasn't stopped despite your lack of enthusiasm?

OP posts:
TellySavalashairbrush · 27/04/2023 15:37

I agree with you 100% op. My dh would ring several times a day if he could, but I have had to be honest and told him to stop. Work is work and home is home, I don't want to be having 'chats' when I am focusing. Plus there is sod all to talk about if you speak too often!

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:37

SallyWD · 27/04/2023 14:39

My DH often likes to call for a long rambling chats! I mean, it's quite sweet in a way but I'd rather just catch up face to face at the end of the day.

Same!

OP posts:
MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 27/04/2023 15:37

Some people just love chitter chattering on the phone. I only phone people if I have a reason to phone them. I’m fine with idle chit chat in person, enjoy it even, but over the phone I really can’t be bothered.

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:38

Snoken · 27/04/2023 14:45

Oh I would hate that and would feel completely suffocated. I'm also mid-40s, maybe it is a thing. We didn't grow up being available at all times so it doesn't come as natural to us. My teenage kids are flabbergasted I can go for long dog walks or to the shop and leave my phone at home. I just love being in my own space sometimes without feeling that I need to be available to everyone.

It may partly be age. He's just quite needy in this respect generally. Like, if he goes to the shop quickly or a short run he'll expect a hello and fanfare when he gets back. I literally saw him half an hour ago! I don't get it 😆

OP posts:
theblackradiator · 27/04/2023 15:39

Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 14:08

My partner and I used to chat every lunchtime when we worked.

It was a 'touch base' type of call (unless there was something specific to update on) and lasted ten minutes max.

I enjoyed those calls, the removal from work pressure or the ability to vent freely, even for ten minutes.

Each to their own, though.

'touch base' how cringe. that's even worse.

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:40

lostinfusion · 27/04/2023 14:55

you are grumpy.

I speak to DH most lunch times for a chat unless one of us is very busy at which point we say so. We also chat on our commute home from work even though the journey is only 20 mins

I am a bit grumpy tbh 😉

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:40

Sallyh87 · 27/04/2023 14:57

I speak to my husband most days at lunch for a quick catch up. He works from home 3 days a week but the two he is in the office we like to chat. I suppose I am used to him being around and miss him. He calls me.

Just tell him if it’s not for you. There is really nothing to say on these calls. If he’s sensitive it will be hard to phrase it. Maybe phrase it as you wanting to stop all talking and do some mindfulness type thing at lunch?

I like this thank you.

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 27/04/2023 15:40

@JAPB79 mine does this too. I just want to read my spicy mafia books and eat my lunch in peace at work. I don't want to blether rubbish about the dishes or what the dog smelled like or how he has eaten a crisp that was green.

BUT on the other hand, when I am at home and he is out working, I miss him and miss chatting.

As annoying as it is, it's a sign he loves and misses me and is thinking about me and I can be okay with that. I'll let him chitter on about how his toes nails need a trim and that the thunder toddler upstairs is going to fall through our ceiling one day if it makes him miss me a little less.

Accept it with the love that is behind it. <3

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:41

herbaceous · 27/04/2023 15:06

I had a BF who would phone for a chat in the evening, but wait for me to make the conversation. In the early days, I'd oblige and drone on. In the latter days, when he was getting on my last nerve, I'd just stay silent until he spoke. Used to amuse me.

😆 I sometimes do this but then it gets too awkward

OP posts:
HurryShadow · 27/04/2023 15:41

I often work late and DH used to call me for a chat about his day, then moan when I say I'm going to be late.

The day I told him "the longer you and I have a chat about your day, the later I'm going to be. How about we just have this conversation when I get home, rather than when I'm still at work?" seemed to be the day the penny dropped!

You do just have to be brutally honest sometimes!

DH is definitely the one that does the most calling. To the point that if I ever call him, he always answers it with "What's wrong?!"

I find it annoying too OP, but I've realised that in my case he often doesn't want to talk to me, rather talk at me! If I try and join in the conversation I will often realise that he's not listening anyway. If it really annoys me I have been known to hang up on him! He then normally calls back and says "sorry about that, I seem to have got cut off" at which point I normally confess and say "no, that was me. I was trying to talk to you and you weren't listening, so there didn't seem much of a point in continuing the call"! 😂 It may seem harsh, but it's literally the only thing that gets through to him!

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:42

bussteward · 27/04/2023 15:10

This would drive me bats. Lunch is for either working, cracking on with a personal bit of admin, or zoning out and staring into space on a bench with a sandwich. Talking would mean being “on” and I’m already “on” all day at work and during the nursery runs and weekends when DD doesn’t shut up. I, and by the sound of it you, need off time.

You could try to explain that to him nicely but if it were me I’d probably just pick up the phone once and shout “WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? NO!” and regret that you can’t satisfyingly hang up a smartphone the same way you could a nice clattery landline.

This is highly relatable.

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:42

KStockHERO · 27/04/2023 15:11

This would do my head in.

Me and DP don't speak during the day at all.

At least one of us works from home every day because of the dog.

When the person who's been out gets home, we get a brew and sit in the living room.

The person who's been out then gives a full run-down of absolutely everything in their day in chronological order.

Then its the turn of the person who's been at home.

We call it the "Sex O'clock News" because its the least sexy thing you can imagine but it feels incredibly intimate and loving.

This would be doable.

OP posts:
Scotlandma · 27/04/2023 15:43

Anonymous48 · 27/04/2023 15:32

It wasn't me, but I do think it would be harder to find things to talk about when we spend time together, if we'd already updated each other on what was going on with each other over the phone three times a day!

Show quote history

@Anonymous48 personally we never seem to run out of things to talk about but in person we just tend to joke and take the piss out of each other or just be parenting so in the day time is when we talk about any topics like any drama at work, the news, doing stuff around the house or even just a photo of what we were doing this time last year.

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:43

MarriedMama23 · 27/04/2023 15:16

"Oh DH my signal is so crap today" click

😂

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:44

@PousseyNotMoira @hairdresserbreakup I'd love to be more straight with him but he just doesn't take it very well and it causes more trouble than it's worth. It's an issue 🫤

OP posts:
Trez1510 · 27/04/2023 15:44

theblackradiator · 27/04/2023 15:39

'touch base' how cringe. that's even worse.

Show quote history

Cringe away, dear. It's your right as (presumably) an adult. 😎

theblackradiator · 27/04/2023 15:47

grayhairdontcare · 27/04/2023 14:18

I have never in 35 years, phoned Dp in working hours unless it was an emergency.

me neither to be honest. I think there's something with the younger generation that they feel the need to be in constant contact with each other.I Can be out with friends that are younger than me and their dps will be ringing them. they've only seen them less than 30 minutes earlier. does my bloody head in.

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:48

TheGreatATuin · 27/04/2023 15:20

That would drive me nuts. I think perhaps it's an introvert/extrovert kind of thing? I need to be away from people to recharge. I'd find having to talk to someone at lunch every single day exhausting - even if it was someone I loved dearly.
And it's not easy to just say so. People do take it personally. XH used to really get the hump when I asked for a bit of quiet time. It's not the reason he's an ex, but I really don't miss that bit either.
No real advice here, OP, but by god, I get it

Absolutely. Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 27/04/2023 15:48

Mine did this today while I was browsing a Waterstones bookshop. I let it go to voicemail and called back later.

I mean, how very dare ANYONE do that while I am attending to such important business. 🤣🤣🤣😉

Mary28 · 27/04/2023 15:48

My DH does this. I think he is high maintance and he thinks I have autism. We're both right I think(no diagnosis for either of us yet!). He very regularly rings me when he's on his way home from something, he's literally minutes away and will see me in person very shortly and I'm usually just after sitting down to watch tv and couldn't be arsed listening to him. He gets thick when I try to get him to hang up. If I happen to call him when he wants to do something else I'm promptly told and the call is dropped!!!

Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:49

Urgsleepmoresleep · 27/04/2023 15:23

My DP each day asks what time I finish work. It’s the same time everyday. He also calls me on his way home when he finished work and is surprised I am still working. I work at home

when he comes to mine - he finishes early - he spends ages chatting to me when I am still working.

I now don’t answer and don’t talk to him when at home. I work 2 hrs more than him.

🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:50

SwedishEdith · 27/04/2023 15:28

I (very, very briefly) had a relationship like this. But before mobiles. He'd ring my desk phone so couldn't just ignore it as open plan office where desks facing each other in an octagon set up. He'd ask inane questions about what I was up to/working on that I had to answer in front of colleagues. Awful. Clingy man.

Urgh!

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 27/04/2023 15:50

JAPB79 · 27/04/2023 15:44

@PousseyNotMoira @hairdresserbreakup I'd love to be more straight with him but he just doesn't take it very well and it causes more trouble than it's worth. It's an issue 🫤

Ah, that’s a shame. Can I ask what ‘not taking it well’ entails?

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