To think this is gender stereotyping?

[angiec89]

Was talking with a friend a few days ago and she mentioned she was looking for a babysitter for her two kids this Saturday. I suggested DS as he's 16 and local (he could walk there and back), and she knows him well. He's done babysitting before for other friends and neighbours.
My friend looked surprised and essentially said thanks but no thanks.
I thought that seemed reasonable enough as her kids are quite young so maybe she wanted someone older. But no, instead she asked her neighbour's 14 year old daughter instead!
AIBU to think this is because my son's a male?

What’s important is to consider the risk anyoneposes to your child, not divide it based on sex. Assuming women in general are ‘safe’ leads to complacency and perpetuates the underreporting.

how do you do your risk assessment?

Except as the OP says he's not an 'unknown male' she knows him well

I think it is sexual stereotyping not necessarily linked to age. We used to use a male babysitter when the boys were younger - he worked at their nursery, so we and the boys knew him well, and the number of people who were really rude about it. They used to act as if we were leaving our child with an abuser not a familiar and trusted adult.

I would not judge the sex of the individuals but would go by their personality and character and also my knowledge of them. We've used boys and girls, adults and teenagers over the years and have always judged them on their individual merits. I know that this isn't always the case though and we have been looked at as if we are weird.
Both our kids have been fine & quite often prefer male babysitters because they have been keener to play on the PlayStation with them.

Completely agree

Not hard to google, there were a lot of meta-analysis studies done on the data around 5(?) years ago about the subject and Dr Joe Sullivan did lots of work around the same time and his studies had up to 25%. I’m on my phone, not on my work laptop otherwise I’d find the references for you.

So that’s a no then? One man’s opinion does not override actual statistics.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it's stereotyping.

Maybe she doesn't like your son for some reason and understandably wouldn't like to say this to you?

I feel a bit uncomfortable when people insistently offer up their family members for jobs. She's said no, let it go

@onefinemess Were you on the recent thread where the overwhelming majority of people were saying that it was too dangerous for an 11 year old to travel on a train by themselves? If you were-or agree that it would be dangerous, but don't think that there is any risk from a male babysitter just because you know them then your risk perception is badly screwed. Personally, I'd be OK with the journey and the baby sitting.

She may be trying to protect your son as well... 76% of sexual assault allegations relating to babysitting are proven to be false, and most of those end with the babysitters reputation in tatters. This way, her child is protected and so is your son. At the end of the day, its her baby, her choice.

Can we see the evidence to support this claim please?

I wasn’t implying it did, just that it was a starting point for you if you wanted to investigate further. I’m only aware of the studies (not just Sullivan’s) as they were vaguely linked to an area of my work around the same time, apologies for not remembering all the details now. Go on believing the conviction rate of female offenders tells the whole story if you want 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anyway, back to the thread…

Maybe she dislikes your son as a person, perhaps she knows her daughters would be uncomfortable with any male (not just because of anything nefarious just that being a teen can be confusing and complex), perhaps the girl has babysat before, perhaps she dislikes you.

The crux is people choosing who they're comfortable looking after their children don't have to flex what they're comfortable with just to not appear whatever way.

No, you said it like it was a fact, rather than an opinion. I don’t know what studies you’re referring to as you haven’t shared them, so can’t comment on how reliable they are, but I do know the prosecution rates are factual, so I’ll stick to them until I see evidence to the contrary.

Just playing the odds, whether the children are male or female, I would choose the 14 year old female babysitter over the 16 year old male babysitter.

We know most men aren’t predators, but almost all predators are men. many who are predators start offending as teenagers.

Men do this to themselves as a group unfortunately

When the 'good' men start calling out the bad ones for their behaviour and attitudes and not joining in or turning a blind eye to it, then they'll hopefully see some progression in how society sees them

That's a very specific sample size, where did you find that info? A quick google has only shown me a paper citing studies (from very small sample sizes) of false allegations of SA from children, not specifically those being babysat. And the percentages are very low.

It’s it’s the same paper I found it’s also 30+ years old and doesn’t prove false allegations at all.

Exactly this. Men commit 90+% of all sexual assaults and boys are now growing up seeing violent pornography as part of everyday life.

No insult intended to individual decent men or boys. All males are meant to be excluded from women’s single-sex spaces, because there’s no way of knowing which ones will attack. The same can be applied to babysitters.

This thread is toxic as FUCK!

True, wasn't my intention. Feels like this has gotten blown out of proportion a bit...

Would the hysterical types not use a nursery with a male nursery worker then?
A male nursery worker would be DBS checked, but no less likely to be dangerous than OPs son who the parent has known since he was a baby and knows the family well.

It would make me uneasy. Especially in the baby room where kids really can’t vocalise much yet. But I wouldn’t pull DS out of nursery if a man was on staff.

I’m actually much more reassured by the safeguarding processes in place at nursery’s compared to childminders for example and know a lot of friends specifically those who are teachers and know a bit more about safeguarding than most feel the same.

This is the crux of it for me. Its not up to women to accommodate men when they're uncomfortable just to be seen to be avoiding stereotyping, it's up to men to sort their behaviour out. Sure its not all men, its not even most men, but the majority of crimes of this nature are commited by men, and women aren't irrational or whatever to be cautious and to have their own boundaries of what they're happy with. If OPs son feels bad about it then that's a shame, but I'm sure he's at an age he can start to think critically about things.

@PinkPlantCase

You've heard of Vanessa George right?

Of course- women are hysterical if they have rational views on stuff like this. In a nursery there are additional safeguards in place beyond a lone female alone in a house with 2 teenage girls. It's not really comparable but yes some would feel weird about it and that's okay, they can feel how they feel and make the necessary decisions.

Maybe have a think about why we've heard so much about her, when there are numerous male nursery workers who have also been convicted of sexual offences. Perhaps precisely because it's so unusual?