I'm reporting us for social services later. But will they actually help?

[SocialserviceswillTheyhelp]

I have 4 children, we live in a safe and secure home both me and the children's father are here, we work full time and the children have had a safe, loving and well attached upbringing.

On child has a diagnoses of ADHD. One of the symptoms is awful violent meltdowns. He hurts himself and others.
This has been going on since he was 3 years old, he is now 12.
He is an amazing, loving, empathetic, funny child who I utter adore.
But when life does not go his way, he destroys our home, he throws things, he punches, we have massive holes in our walls, our doors, he has smashed glass more times than I can count.
He has never heard our youngest directly but he has been collateral damage by flying objects.
He has repeatedly punched me and left bruises for weeks.
He has run away, he was wondering the streets until 10pm last night saying he wasn't coming home. He switched off his "find my iPhone" so I couldn't see where he was.

What I have tried:

Getting a key worker. They said we were accepted for help in feb 2021 and haven't heard back since.

Speaking to the school over and over. They are next to useless and apparently have an amazing Family Support worker who I am
yet to hear from.

Ive read books - Life without Brakes, 10 ways the a less defiant child, and more.

I've even tried a flipping healer out of pure desperation.

We have regular family outings and regular one to one with him, we will play board games, play cards or the other night we simply went for a nice drive together and had a long chat about anything and everything.

I've tried calling them police during a violent meltdown. They say "do you want your child to have a criminal record?" I say no, they say there's nothing they can do then.

Hes in the CAMHS waiting list for ADHD, that's been 3.5 years.

He got diagnosed privately 2 years ago but the practice closed down so we can try meds, which we were waiting for secondary school to try.

We tried going to the Gp to rush along the CAMHS thing as suggested on here and they said that was impossible.

So that leaves me with reporting myself to SS. Will they help?

Great recommendation. I've done a couple of Yvonne Newbold's webinars and found them insightful and great value for money.

I would highly recommend them also. They are an excellent organisation.

If the cardiologist sign off is the barrier to getting the medication, I would write a complaint to the GP. You need the referral urgently. I would be complaining to the GP and to hospital if they are the issue.

I went to my gp in desperatation after years on the cahms waiting list. They sent an email and we were seen a week later. They absolutely do have sway with Camhs. The medication has helped but it's not a cure all. My son is on a very low dose as the higher dose had such a bad 'come down' that he was almost unmanageable. Keep pushing with your doctor and ring/ email Cahms regularly.
Good luck. Also, my son is managing his temper better as he gets older do there is hope.

It is impossible to reason with an angry adhd child.

I have had to learn the signs that my son is about to loose his shit. He knows I will take myself into another room.

If your son is physically assaulting you, you must keep yourself as far away from him as possible.

When he calms down tell him that if he is physically threatening you again, you will call the Police. They are not going to charge him.

If he can't begin to contain his explosive anger, then he will turn 18, assault someone and that will be that.

ADHD kids can't put in their own boundaries, neither can they regulate their anger. But you can be very clear that if he ever lays hands on you or his siblings, then the Police will be called.

I'm sorry to say I found Newbold Hope really depressing. Children who won't wash, dress, go to school, learn anything, talk to anyone, and are still aggressive. They sound depressed frankly.
I'm currently reading How Not to Murder your ADHD Kid and finding it helpful and I also like ADHD Dude.
Plus I've taken up meditation and yoga again.

Please don't do this unless the level of risk within the situation genuinely necessitates it.

Ask LA/CAMHS for help with safety planning. CAMHS may be able to help with this whilst he is on the waiting list.

If children are behaving aggressively because they lack the capacity (because of executive functioning deficits) to behave more adaptatively, terrifying them won't suddenly change how their brain works.

If you have any cash to throw at this find a child psychologist and see what help/advice they can provide on helping to keep DC in a regulated state and reducing the severity and duration of meltdowns.

Please can I have the details? We are going through a similar fight

@SocialserviceswillTheyhelp contact ADHD360 they are nowhere near the price you quoted.

In the meantime the CAMHS waiting list is usually triaged - it should be possible for your new social services contact to get you bumped right up. His behaviours count as extreme (obviously) and he is a real danger to himself and others. The CAMHS screening questions should have established this.

Also @SocialserviceswillTheyhelp regarding meds:
Stimulants MAY exacerbate tics, you actually won’t know til you try them (after which you can stop the meds if it doesn’t work, you can read all the patient information leaflets online so you have a preferred titration route before his medication appointment).

Another very difficult thing to consider is whether you sons life and future would be better or worse if he was medicated with tics, or unmedicated like this and heading straight for prison.

Lastly, the non stimulant meds do not have “worse” side effects. I’m not sure where that has come from. Any child may or may not experience side effects from any of the meds, it can’t be predicted.

Shall we just calm this down?

He is a lovely child of 12 who is struggling with his neurodiversity. He is not heading straight anywhere.

He needs skilled support, OP may also need skilled support, but he is developing all the time. His social and cognitive functioning will be delayed, perhaps by 3 or so years. He has time to grow, and his capacity to behave more adaptively will improve with age.

I know how hard this.

You’re cross with replies because the obvious missing piece is medication, and your earlier posts weren’t clear at all on why that hasn’t been started.

Having RTFT, I can see all complication and cost you have for medication, but it stills seems to me that it’s likely to be a more successful path to explore than calling SS.

You are saying you’ve looked at renting a different home for you and your youngest child (what about the other 2 - are they older than 12?) - if you can afford that, you can afford the private pathway. Your mum has just offered you the money… it’s easy to say in retrospect, but reaching breaking point before asking is a shame. Have you now got enough? If not, do you have a mortgage that you can extend?

OP it seems like it’s important enough to consider going into debt if necessary. This would surely be a better route than police and social services.
I forget what your social workers advice was, but I absolutely would not be involving the police except if absolutely necessary to ensure safety.

Of course this can be turned around for your son and family, but not if you don’t take action. You have some options here and you are in a position to take control. Book the private assessment process today.

OP - we have cardio issues in our family - with adhd there are two meds those with stimulants and those without. The stimulants are meant to be better but I think he would be able to take the ones without stimulants while he waits for his cardiology appointments.
If I was you I would rustle up the money to pay for one private cardio appointment with a consultant who works at your local NHS hospital. Once that person agrees he needs testing they can refer into the NHS for you which would be quicker than going the GP route. There are also some charities that have done cheap cardio tests for kids because of the athletes having heart attacks on the fields from undiagnosed cardio conditions. Might be worth a google.

This is the phone number of the british heart foundation nurses - worth calling and seeing if they know of any charities running cheap testing or how else you might be able to get this done cheaply and quickly

• Call us on 0300 330 3311: our Cardiac Nurses are on hand to help you answer any questions or concerns you have about a condition. Lines are open 9am-5pm Monday to Friday.

like this charity offering cheaper cardiac screenings to children 14 years and older
Cardiac Screening – Cardiac Risk in the Young (c-r-y.org.uk)
Really though your very annoying psychiatrist should have asked him to be referred for testing on the NHS all those years ago and he would have had this done by now.

We had an assessment by social services.

DS is 9, waiting for an assessment for ASD. CAMHS are not interested because they say it's ND. GP just fobs us off, last time we spoke to him about sleeping problems, he said he'd write to the ND team - which is great as we have no idea when we'll see anyone from the team despite the referral being expedited.

Social services referred us to another service and we are now seeing a worker from there, not got past the introductory stage really. She's very nice, and hopefully something will come out of it but, honestly, right now we're feeling a bit disheartened.

I’ve been told it doesn’t help with outbursts or impulse control anyway, only concentration.

Medication (methylphenidate) helps DD with emotional regulation - she is noticeably more fidgety and volatile emotionally, as the medication wears off. For instance, she is more likely to get into an argument.

Same here. Elvanse has transformed DDs moods. It's actually helped with that more than concentration.

Absolutely, the right medication can be completely life changing in terms of emotional regulation, seeing things from others points of view, mellowing overreactions, cutting own impulsive or volatile behaviours

Was it someone on here that recommended How not to Murder your ADHD child?

I've just downloaded the audiobook, thank you for the recommendation.

Im calling the GP next week to ask for a cardiology referral.

Good post.

Yes they will help, theyll get you a family support worker and she will be able to help you too

@SocialserviceswillTheyhelp I know it seems similar to what you've already done but worth a go-

Instead of saying to the ADHD answerphone that you're checking where you are in the queue, leave a message saying you are just checking that you haven't been forgotten/your referral disappeared.

I was with adult ADHD services and something went wrong and I was genuinely forgotten between a nurse saying they would fast track me as I had a private diagnosis, and me getting an appointment with the consultant. Apparently the mistake happened because the nurse went off sick.

As soon as they 'remembered' me I quickly got an appointment with the consultant.

Saying this might be enough to nudge them, you never know, worth a try.

By 'as soon as they 'remembered' me,' I mean as soon as they were realerted to my existence by me phoning.