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Original poster

I'm reporting us for social services later. But will they actually help?

234 replies

SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 08:03

I have 4 children, we live in a safe and secure home both me and the children's father are here, we work full time and the children have had a safe, loving and well attached upbringing.

On child has a diagnoses of ADHD. One of the symptoms is awful violent meltdowns. He hurts himself and others.
This has been going on since he was 3 years old, he is now 12.
He is an amazing, loving, empathetic, funny child who I utter adore.
But when life does not go his way, he destroys our home, he throws things, he punches, we have massive holes in our walls, our doors, he has smashed glass more times than I can count.
He has never heard our youngest directly but he has been collateral damage by flying objects.
He has repeatedly punched me and left bruises for weeks.
He has run away, he was wondering the streets until 10pm last night saying he wasn't coming home. He switched off his "find my iPhone" so I couldn't see where he was.

What I have tried:

Getting a key worker. They said we were accepted for help in feb 2021 and haven't heard back since.

Speaking to the school over and over. They are next to useless and apparently have an amazing Family Support worker who I am
yet to hear from.

Ive read books - Life without Brakes, 10 ways the a less defiant child, and more.

I've even tried a flipping healer out of pure desperation.

We have regular family outings and regular one to one with him, we will play board games, play cards or the other night we simply went for a nice drive together and had a long chat about anything and everything.

I've tried calling them police during a violent meltdown. They say "do you want your child to have a criminal record?" I say no, they say there's nothing they can do then.

Hes in the CAMHS waiting list for ADHD, that's been 3.5 years.

He got diagnosed privately 2 years ago but the practice closed down so we can try meds, which we were waiting for secondary school to try.

We tried going to the Gp to rush along the CAMHS thing as suggested on here and they said that was impossible.

So that leaves me with reporting myself to SS. Will they help?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2023 13:15

CampsieGlamper

Does his diet include sugary foods, ready meals, man made items, chocolate, daily ? If so can you restrict/ exclude them. Would this help

Tbh it makes my ADHD symptoms worse

Dwadle · 27/04/2023 13:17

Im so sorry OP, this sounds so stressful for you all.

We are in similar boat with our 6 year old. Except it was the school referred us to SS. We received absolutely no help from them and was told that we are a functional house hold clearly doing all we can and they had no resources to help us.

It's heartbreaking isn't it. I do try to remind myself that's what I was like and that age (and I was like how your son was too) and I believe I'm now reasonably more settled.... as in, I have a successful career, great family and a lovely home.

Best of luck OP

BettyMacdonald · 27/04/2023 13:20

@Kennykenkencat your post is great. Thank you. Please would you mind sharing links for the supplements you take? Thanks

JennyJenny8675309 · 27/04/2023 13:22

Prettypaisleyslippers · 27/04/2023 08:44

Why haven’t you tried the medication yet? Why wait?

This. He is old enough to be medicated.

user1492757084 · 27/04/2023 13:22

My daughter was at school with a violent boy with ADHD.
Going on medication in Primary School was the most amazing improvement for him and also all of his class mates - as they no longer had chairs thrown at them during lessons etc.
I would talk to your GP about medication before he looses more years of productive learning. It could be one thing to try.
Joining a support group for ADHD might help too.

Original poster
SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 13:23

JennyJenny8675309 · 27/04/2023 13:22

This. He is old enough to be medicated.

Show quote history

RTFF

OP posts:
Original poster
SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 13:24

user1492757084 · 27/04/2023 13:22

My daughter was at school with a violent boy with ADHD.
Going on medication in Primary School was the most amazing improvement for him and also all of his class mates - as they no longer had chairs thrown at them during lessons etc.
I would talk to your GP about medication before he looses more years of productive learning. It could be one thing to try.
Joining a support group for ADHD might help too.

It's nothing to do with the GP.

OP posts:
Bandanadrama · 27/04/2023 13:28

Can you get another private appointment with someone who can prescribe?

BettyMacdonald · 27/04/2023 13:30

For everyone that keeps saying @SocialserviceswillTheyhelp should “just” medicate her son please RTFT and understand that GPs CANNOT PRESCRIBE ADHD MEDICATION!!!!

momtoboys · 27/04/2023 13:31

May I ask why you are waiting until secondary to start meds? One of my sons was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6. After months of trying to avoid medication - change of diet, met with therapists several times, etc we put him on meds and the change was remarkable. For us it was absolutely the right decision. I so hope that you can find your solution.

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2023 13:34

SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 09:05

He has not .

I must not have been clear in my OP. The private psychiatrist said she wouldn't prescribe until he was in secondary school. Now he's in secondary school that private practice has closed down.
Still on the waiting list for CAMHS....

Show quote history

What on earth was her reasoning to not try meds till secondary school

Maybe that’s why the practice closed

You need to go back to a private clinic. You have the assessment. You need for him to start titrating on meds.

Maybe the doctor can refer you to one who will take the assessment without going through the whole process again

Make sure you are actually on the list for the NHS assessment so when it comes about you won’t have to pay for the private prescription prices anymore

I know ADHD meds have transformed so many children into being able to function that I can’t believe a psychiatrist wouldn’t at least try the meds route

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2023 13:56

BettyMacdonald · 27/04/2023 13:20

@Kennykenkencat your post is great. Thank you. Please would you mind sharing links for the supplements you take? Thanks

Saffron and the L Tyrosine ( I have just started taking) I get from H&B

and the Lions Mane from British Supplements (Google Lions Mane and they come up in the sorts lot of pictures) Don’t know if they are suitable for children as I have never needed to check)

What people don’t realise with ADHD is you can tell us what to do and tell us off for not doing it, you can write lists and shout and scream at the top of your voice but we will lose the list or look at it and read it but can’t implement it and with what we have going on in our brains your shouting and screaming is just another noise.

Phineyj · 27/04/2023 13:56

Hi OP. We have had to be very persistent but the GP referred to community paediatrics in our area and we saw them after a wait of just under a year. We like you had a private diagnosis already. They can prescribe ADHD meds (maybe this varies by area, but basically a paediatrician is what you need).

I managed to find out how long the wait for community paediatrics would be using a useful service called Care Opinion. It's national. If you're having problems with a service they look into it for you.

There's a good book called ADHD medication for parents. The NHS almost always prescribes methylphenidate so it's good to know what alternatives are out there and all the pros and cons.

I feel bad for you. My DD was regularly violent at 5-7 but at 10 has more or less grown out of it. Hopefully. It was awful and she was smaller than me! And has no siblings.

People don't get how difficult it is.

NewNovember · 27/04/2023 14:00

No

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2023 14:03

The thing is that although some children can put grow the “violence” it doesn’t mean the ADHD has gone. It is still there and it will affect every decision they will take for their life.

DS not violent but would not think a 2nd thought of throwing stuff around and charging around the house and generally being exactly like I was at his age (so I ignored it knowing he would grow out of it as I had done) People would tell me he had adhd but I just said he was like me.
And yes he did grow out of the charging around the house throwing stuff.

3 weeks ago as an adult he got diagnosed with ADHD

TheOrigRights · 27/04/2023 14:05

SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 13:23

RTFF

Show quote history

TBF to PPs your OP was unclear. I say this not apportion blame or anything, just to let you know that people are trying to help and it's not through lack of reading.

I really hope your son (and you and your family) get the support needed. It sounds absolutely dreadful.

pandarific · 27/04/2023 14:05

@SocialserviceswillTheyhelp call this organisation and ask about using the right to choose letter for children - for adults you give the GP the letter they have to refer to an org that diagnoses and provides medication.
https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

Have you ever gone down the inulin and prebiotics route, as poor gut health is thought to be a contributing factor to ADHD/ASD challenges?

ADHD UK Logo

Right to Choose - ADHD UK

If you are based in England under the NHS you now have a legal right to choose your mental healthcare provider and your choice of mental healthcare team. This

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

Kaffiene · 27/04/2023 14:13

I haven’t read the full thread. But I work in a carers centre and we support a lot of families like yours. They will be able to advise the best route for support in your council & help you put pressure on the right agencies. Google your council & carers centre and something should come up.

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2023 14:22

Usually adhd is genetic. Having been diagnosed I can see it in members of my family. Even those who I had never met but were talked about going back generation.

Have you or his father or his siblings ever been assessed. I would say it is likely that someone else has ADHD in your family.

Remember girls to a point present quite differently to boys

bellswithwhistles · 27/04/2023 14:23

Is he on medication?

My child has ADHD and autism. He has these condition which yes, mean that their brain doesn't process in the same way as others.

BUT behaviour is still at play too and the parenting skills to deal with this.

I got slammed on another page for saying this - but this really helped me. I accepted that I was doing something that was aggravating things and got help. Far too often as parents we are quick to blame conditions instead of accepting that maybe we don't set boundaries enough or have consequences for poor behaviour. Yes they're more prone to it, but there's not a cat in hell's chance my ADHD child is behaving violently - I stop it before it gets to that level.

You also need a supportive school on board. Find one. Move him.

Blaming ADHD for violent outbursts is excusing them. If he not doing it when not in meltdown then he knows how to behave. I found treating my child more like a dog (sorry, but this is honestly the case) in terms of approaching behaviour worked tremendously. My child was like yours when he was 5/6. I had to put a stop to it because he was tall for his age and there was no way I was going to let him turn into a bigger teenage capable of inflicting real damage. You need to sort this before it really is too late.

Social services are a waste of space though. Get him diagnosed, get him treatment - get on some parenting courses. You say you 'utterly adore him' but when 'things don't go his way' . Find out how to fix it. I was to blame for my child's behaviour too and once I accepted that and fixed things, things got a lot lot better quickly.

Original poster
SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 14:24

TheOrigRights · 27/04/2023 14:05

TBF to PPs your OP was unclear. I say this not apportion blame or anything, just to let you know that people are trying to help and it's not through lack of reading.

I really hope your son (and you and your family) get the support needed. It sounds absolutely dreadful.

Show quote history

This is why I said RTFT rather than read the OP.

OP posts:
OneTwoThreeFourFiveOnceI · 27/04/2023 14:24

I know this is stating the obvious but he really needs to trial medication. If you have a diagnosis, have you explored approaching a private clinic for a review meeting and medication?

Original poster
SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 14:25

Kennykenkencat · 27/04/2023 14:22

Usually adhd is genetic. Having been diagnosed I can see it in members of my family. Even those who I had never met but were talked about going back generation.

Have you or his father or his siblings ever been assessed. I would say it is likely that someone else has ADHD in your family.

Remember girls to a point present quite differently to boys

Yes, I'm 99.9% sure I have ADHD. I was exactly like him as a child.

His father and brothers are very very different from him and I.

OP posts:
OneTwoThreeFourFiveOnceI · 27/04/2023 14:26

bellswithwhistles · 27/04/2023 14:23

Is he on medication?

My child has ADHD and autism. He has these condition which yes, mean that their brain doesn't process in the same way as others.

BUT behaviour is still at play too and the parenting skills to deal with this.

I got slammed on another page for saying this - but this really helped me. I accepted that I was doing something that was aggravating things and got help. Far too often as parents we are quick to blame conditions instead of accepting that maybe we don't set boundaries enough or have consequences for poor behaviour. Yes they're more prone to it, but there's not a cat in hell's chance my ADHD child is behaving violently - I stop it before it gets to that level.

You also need a supportive school on board. Find one. Move him.

Blaming ADHD for violent outbursts is excusing them. If he not doing it when not in meltdown then he knows how to behave. I found treating my child more like a dog (sorry, but this is honestly the case) in terms of approaching behaviour worked tremendously. My child was like yours when he was 5/6. I had to put a stop to it because he was tall for his age and there was no way I was going to let him turn into a bigger teenage capable of inflicting real damage. You need to sort this before it really is too late.

Social services are a waste of space though. Get him diagnosed, get him treatment - get on some parenting courses. You say you 'utterly adore him' but when 'things don't go his way' . Find out how to fix it. I was to blame for my child's behaviour too and once I accepted that and fixed things, things got a lot lot better quickly.

Every child is different. The child may have other conditions or simply be more affected emotionally by ADHD impulsivity. I am not saying that parenting is unimportant but it is most unhelpful in my view to assume that everyone's circumstance is similar to yours

FriedEggChocolate · 27/04/2023 14:30

@SocialserviceswillTheyhelp my DS was diagnoses with ADD at 12 on the NHS. It took 4 years on and off (referrals got lost etc.) They wouldn't prescribe medication for him because they try to wean off in the teenage years so felt he needed to find other coping strategies. I regularly struggle with his behaviour but Ican't see that there's support out there. Our local parents' group closed at covid.

My DH can manage him better than I when he's utterly hyper, and gets him out to exhaust him walking or martial arts. Do you have any adult male in your family who could help support your family in this way?