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Original poster

I'm reporting us for social services later. But will they actually help?

234 replies

SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 08:03

I have 4 children, we live in a safe and secure home both me and the children's father are here, we work full time and the children have had a safe, loving and well attached upbringing.

On child has a diagnoses of ADHD. One of the symptoms is awful violent meltdowns. He hurts himself and others.
This has been going on since he was 3 years old, he is now 12.
He is an amazing, loving, empathetic, funny child who I utter adore.
But when life does not go his way, he destroys our home, he throws things, he punches, we have massive holes in our walls, our doors, he has smashed glass more times than I can count.
He has never heard our youngest directly but he has been collateral damage by flying objects.
He has repeatedly punched me and left bruises for weeks.
He has run away, he was wondering the streets until 10pm last night saying he wasn't coming home. He switched off his "find my iPhone" so I couldn't see where he was.

What I have tried:

Getting a key worker. They said we were accepted for help in feb 2021 and haven't heard back since.

Speaking to the school over and over. They are next to useless and apparently have an amazing Family Support worker who I am
yet to hear from.

Ive read books - Life without Brakes, 10 ways the a less defiant child, and more.

I've even tried a flipping healer out of pure desperation.

We have regular family outings and regular one to one with him, we will play board games, play cards or the other night we simply went for a nice drive together and had a long chat about anything and everything.

I've tried calling them police during a violent meltdown. They say "do you want your child to have a criminal record?" I say no, they say there's nothing they can do then.

Hes in the CAMHS waiting list for ADHD, that's been 3.5 years.

He got diagnosed privately 2 years ago but the practice closed down so we can try meds, which we were waiting for secondary school to try.

We tried going to the Gp to rush along the CAMHS thing as suggested on here and they said that was impossible.

So that leaves me with reporting myself to SS. Will they help?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Kanaloa · 27/04/2023 14:35

Might be obvious but if I was you I wouldn’t be phoning the police then backing out. I know you say you don’t want him to have a criminal record but he’s committing criminal offences by repeatedly assaulting and abusing you in your own home. All you’re doing is covering it up.

I honestly think (I have a child with SEN and am part of a group of parents) so many people cover up or downplay Chile abuse of a parent because it’s embarrassing or shameful. Too many parents accept it as ‘what else can you do.’ Call the police. Tell them your almost teen son is attacking you. Let them come out.

Out of curiosity, does he attack everyone? Or does he save the abuse for his mum when he can get away with it?

Kanaloa · 27/04/2023 14:35

And yes I’d also phone social work and report it not just for your older child but the younger. Make it clear that the younger child has been injured (even indirectly) during his brother’s violent attacks and is at risk of harm in his own home.

Yellowdays · 27/04/2023 14:37

I know nothing about your issue.

However, I would say that if any of my children turned off their phone like that, I'd have removed it. It's very effective at getting them not to do that, as they love their phones at that age.

Heronwatcher · 27/04/2023 14:39

He absolutely needs medication and you need to push for that or, if it avoids another few months of this, try to raise the money to buy it privately with a private prescription. I can’t say for sure whether it will but I think you need to try it rather than think about other drastic measures.

Original poster
SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 14:41

Yellowdays · 27/04/2023 14:37

I know nothing about your issue.

However, I would say that if any of my children turned off their phone like that, I'd have removed it. It's very effective at getting them not to do that, as they love their phones at that age.

Id never thought of that! 🙄

Thanks to all the helpful replies, I am reading them all.

I can't bring myself to elaborate on the situation to answer some questions because I'm too depressed to even type it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 14:43

Heronwatcher · 27/04/2023 14:39

He absolutely needs medication and you need to push for that or, if it avoids another few months of this, try to raise the money to buy it privately with a private prescription. I can’t say for sure whether it will but I think you need to try it rather than think about other drastic measures.

I don't like that people are assuming that I have not "pushed" (bent over backwards) for medication.

Im depressed, beaten, calling SS and looking to move myself and my youngest out the house.

Please assume that I have tried to take his phone away 🙄 and walked the earths to try getting him medication.

OP posts:
quirkychick · 27/04/2023 14:46

Not exactly the same, but we were referred to our Children With Disabilities Team Social Worker through school, last year. When I spoke to the Duty Social Worker I told her that I couldn't keep dd or us safe. That was inadvertently the right (and true) answer. When our Social Worker came the first time dd attacked her 😳. Things are not perfect but we are currently having help from the Outreach Team for behaviour. Dd is 13 and has asd and complex needs. I hope you find some help.

femfemlicious · 27/04/2023 14:49

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 27/04/2023 08:26

In my experience of friends who've self referred, they've not been usefully helped, no. Either they're assigned a social worker who then never contacts them again, or they're signed a worker who is micro managing yet unhelpful in any way that matters. I wouldn't ever do it tbh.

Yep I know all about the micromanagement and intrusion but no real help provided.

Heronwatcher · 27/04/2023 14:50

OK I am genuinely not being goady but I think you said that one psychiatrist recommended medication but then the clinic closed. Was it not possible to go to a new clinic and request that the medical records (including the recommendation to medicate when he was old enough) be transferred and then get a prescription from them, or to get your GP to refer you to your local ADHD service and go from there? The latter is what happened with a relative of mine who’s now on medication, yes it took a bit of time but it happened.

I’m not at all assuming that you haven’t pushed for it and it sounds dreadful- just suggesting to focus your efforts on medication rather than other things if you’ve not tried it.

Yellowdays · 27/04/2023 14:58

@SocialserviceswillTheyhelp I was trying to be helpful , actually! However, you ave an attitude problem.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 27/04/2023 14:58

I did read your OP.

How formal was the diagnosis? Do you have paperwork? If so take to GP and get prescription. If not then have you abilities access a new private diagnosis? Then get prescription?

LadyWithLapdog · 27/04/2023 15:02

It’s been mentioned a few times that it’s not possible to ask the GP to prescribe. They can refer to another ADHD service but waiting times are out of their control.

BettyMacdonald · 27/04/2023 15:30

@Kennykenkencat thank you loads. I’m 99.9% certain I have ADHD. My ten year old does and I recognise so many of his behaviours in me. Yes x 10000% to shouting. A teacher at secondary school said after I’d lost / forgotten / not done yet another piece of homework that “if she put a gun to my head she bet I’d remember” Erm. No. No I wouldn’t you massive twat.

@SocialserviceswillTheyhelp are you anywhere near London?

mycoffeecup · 27/04/2023 15:36

Personally at the point of diagnosis I'd have got a second opinion on the waiting for meds thing as that's not at all accepted practice. But you are where you are now.

If you still have the money take him to a new private consultant with your old report and get him on meds ASAP.

MegaGengar · 27/04/2023 15:48

I have no helpful advice (sorry) but just wanted to offer solidarity. I have a DS diagnosed with ASD who has violent meltdowns and it’s so, so hard. It sounds like you are absolutely doing your best, and the lack of provision for these ND groups is pretty much non existent. I’m sorry it’s so hard.

WitcheryDivine · 27/04/2023 15:59

If you've got the money to send him to a healer, what's stopping you chasing up another private diagnosis now, today? The fact that the clinic shut down is a pain in the bum but getting him to see another professional who can diagnose and prescribe medication has to be cheaper than moving out and sustaining two establishments.

I can't see an answer to this question and I've read the thread, not being sarcy.

cittigirl · 27/04/2023 16:02

You have my every sympathy Op. I've not got much time to right and I don't know if it's been mentioned but look into Section 21.

cittigirl · 27/04/2023 16:03

Sorry section 20 🤦

Fansandblankets · 27/04/2023 16:03

My son is severely autistic with SLD and epilepsy. He’s non verbal but not silent but before puberty we barely knew we had him. He was such a happy content boy. As soon as he hit puberty he started having seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy. From then on his behaviour went out of control. We got absolutely desperate for someone to help. I took him to the GP, a locum was on and I explained everything. He increased his epilepsy medication as the one he’s on can act as a mood stabiliser. He also referred him to CAMHs and we were seen within 2 weeks. I know that is very unusual but it’s the quickest anything has ever been done. Approaching SS won’t hurt either. When my son got to 18 the social worker referred him to the intensive behaviour support team. We had a whole group of professionals involved, psychiatrist, dietitian, behaviour specialist etc.

Minierme · 27/04/2023 16:13

They’ll probably bump you down to early help but they could be helpful.

Minierme · 27/04/2023 16:14

WitcheryDivine · 27/04/2023 15:59

If you've got the money to send him to a healer, what's stopping you chasing up another private diagnosis now, today? The fact that the clinic shut down is a pain in the bum but getting him to see another professional who can diagnose and prescribe medication has to be cheaper than moving out and sustaining two establishments.

I can't see an answer to this question and I've read the thread, not being sarcy.

One probably cost a hundred quid, the other is probably in the thousands. It’s not comparable.

Freshstarts22 · 27/04/2023 16:25

AutumnNymph · 27/04/2023 09:08

OP I could have written your post myself, I have a 11 year old DD with ASD. I will write in detail later about how we managed to get to Cahms (had our first appointment yesterday) but wanted to say please try medication, it has helped us tremendously.

Huge hugs as I know how fucking difficult it is. I am currently nursing a few bruises from her latest meltdown.

Pre meds she would have violent outbursts everyday sometimes multiple times, post meds we are averaging about two a month and the intensity and duration have improved beyond our imagination.

Can I ask what meds you have got for ASD?

my son has adhd and adhd. Been prescribed adhd medication but he point blank refuses to try it. I’ve been told it doesn’t help with outbursts or impulse control anyway, only concentration.

SaveMeFromForearms · 27/04/2023 16:28

Yellowdays · 27/04/2023 14:37

I know nothing about your issue.

However, I would say that if any of my children turned off their phone like that, I'd have removed it. It's very effective at getting them not to do that, as they love their phones at that age.

What, so they then disappear with no method of communication?

When my daughter did this pre-diagnosis it was because she was in huge distress, wanted to die, and massive fight or flight kicked in. Punishing her by removing her phone would have helped in no way whatsoever.

This is the kind of thing that is different with an ND child in crisis to an NT child.

LakieLady · 27/04/2023 16:40

SocialserviceswillTheyhelp · 27/04/2023 08:03

I have 4 children, we live in a safe and secure home both me and the children's father are here, we work full time and the children have had a safe, loving and well attached upbringing.

On child has a diagnoses of ADHD. One of the symptoms is awful violent meltdowns. He hurts himself and others.
This has been going on since he was 3 years old, he is now 12.
He is an amazing, loving, empathetic, funny child who I utter adore.
But when life does not go his way, he destroys our home, he throws things, he punches, we have massive holes in our walls, our doors, he has smashed glass more times than I can count.
He has never heard our youngest directly but he has been collateral damage by flying objects.
He has repeatedly punched me and left bruises for weeks.
He has run away, he was wondering the streets until 10pm last night saying he wasn't coming home. He switched off his "find my iPhone" so I couldn't see where he was.

What I have tried:

Getting a key worker. They said we were accepted for help in feb 2021 and haven't heard back since.

Speaking to the school over and over. They are next to useless and apparently have an amazing Family Support worker who I am
yet to hear from.

Ive read books - Life without Brakes, 10 ways the a less defiant child, and more.

I've even tried a flipping healer out of pure desperation.

We have regular family outings and regular one to one with him, we will play board games, play cards or the other night we simply went for a nice drive together and had a long chat about anything and everything.

I've tried calling them police during a violent meltdown. They say "do you want your child to have a criminal record?" I say no, they say there's nothing they can do then.

Hes in the CAMHS waiting list for ADHD, that's been 3.5 years.

He got diagnosed privately 2 years ago but the practice closed down so we can try meds, which we were waiting for secondary school to try.

We tried going to the Gp to rush along the CAMHS thing as suggested on here and they said that was impossible.

So that leaves me with reporting myself to SS. Will they help?

A friend has been waiting for CAMHS to help her (very challenging) son for nearly 6 years. She has her own health issues and broke down in the GP's surgery approx 4 weeks ago.

The GP was brilliant, spent ages listening to her, and said she would get on to CAMHS. She must have done some serious arse kicking, as friend's son has been referred for ADHD and autism assessment, and has an appt to see if CBT and/or EMDT might help his PTSD. That might be worth a try.

Alternatively, formal complaint, with a copy to your MP, and ask for their help in getting things moving. Our previous MP was brilliant at casework, as is the one in the neighbouring constituency. Our current MP is woeful in most respects, but even they get results with casework.

It sounds really tough and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Thegoodbadandugly · 27/04/2023 16:46

Have you tried descalation techniques?

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