I'm reporting us for social services later. But will they actually help?

[SocialserviceswillTheyhelp]

I have 4 children, we live in a safe and secure home both me and the children's father are here, we work full time and the children have had a safe, loving and well attached upbringing.

On child has a diagnoses of ADHD. One of the symptoms is awful violent meltdowns. He hurts himself and others.
This has been going on since he was 3 years old, he is now 12.
He is an amazing, loving, empathetic, funny child who I utter adore.
But when life does not go his way, he destroys our home, he throws things, he punches, we have massive holes in our walls, our doors, he has smashed glass more times than I can count.
He has never heard our youngest directly but he has been collateral damage by flying objects.
He has repeatedly punched me and left bruises for weeks.
He has run away, he was wondering the streets until 10pm last night saying he wasn't coming home. He switched off his "find my iPhone" so I couldn't see where he was.

What I have tried:

Getting a key worker. They said we were accepted for help in feb 2021 and haven't heard back since.

Speaking to the school over and over. They are next to useless and apparently have an amazing Family Support worker who I am
yet to hear from.

Ive read books - Life without Brakes, 10 ways the a less defiant child, and more.

I've even tried a flipping healer out of pure desperation.

We have regular family outings and regular one to one with him, we will play board games, play cards or the other night we simply went for a nice drive together and had a long chat about anything and everything.

I've tried calling them police during a violent meltdown. They say "do you want your child to have a criminal record?" I say no, they say there's nothing they can do then.

Hes in the CAMHS waiting list for ADHD, that's been 3.5 years.

He got diagnosed privately 2 years ago but the practice closed down so we can try meds, which we were waiting for secondary school to try.

We tried going to the Gp to rush along the CAMHS thing as suggested on here and they said that was impossible.

So that leaves me with reporting myself to SS. Will they help?

In my experience no and yes. When I asked it was a no, but they said if I couldn't cope they could start child protection against me. I complained directly the head of children's services and got our disability sw that way. A month after that you needed night care to help from cwd team so I just got in. It's just crap. But do call and try. You can pm dm if you want.

Have you read the explosive child? It’s really eye opening. The author has spent his career working with children like you have described.

Please read my OP.

Yes I have read that book.
I read it in lock down, I remember him launching it at my head in a meltdown.
I can't remember much of it, I'm guessing it didn't work at the time.

What would you like social services to do?

He has not .

I must not have been clear in my OP. The private psychiatrist said she wouldn't prescribe until he was in secondary school. Now he's in secondary school that private practice has closed down.
Still on the waiting list for CAMHS....

the schools job is to offer an education.

OP I could have written your post myself, I have a 11 year old DD with ASD. I will write in detail later about how we managed to get to Cahms (had our first appointment yesterday) but wanted to say please try medication, it has helped us tremendously.

Huge hugs as I know how fucking difficult it is. I am currently nursing a few bruises from her latest meltdown.

Pre meds she would have violent outbursts everyday sometimes multiple times, post meds we are averaging about two a month and the intensity and duration have improved beyond our imagination.

You sound like you're doing an amazing job.

In my experience SS were not much help. They were an extra tick in the box for the EHCP though, and for school applying for EP input.

Good luck!

OP because of his age he'll soon be moved from paediatric CAMHS waiting list to adolescent where the waiting times are even worse.

You have his medical notes from the private practice?
Go to GP with them and tell them you want an immediate referral to psych services in order to access the meds. A GP cannot prescribe them unless instructed to by a consultant. You need psychiatrist involvement.
Alternatively find yourself another private youth psych and go down that path.
Meds really are the answer. Without his meds my son's life would be torture.
Good luck.

you need to find another psychiatrist urgently and try meds. that's your number one job.

We have ADHD in our family - I am guessing the violent outbursts are related to problems regulating his emotions.
I would not wait until high school to try the meds. When you do the meds you start at the very very bottom dose and work up slowly at his pace to see if there is a difference.
One thing I wish they would teach all parents is how to help a child manage their emotions. I went on this parenting course where they explained the key is helping a child identify they are building up to a point of where they are going to lose control of their emotions if they don't put steps in place.
This course was very good and suggested the parent (and child if appropriate) sits down and lists what signs a child has that they are going in that direction ie what do they feel like (they might say they feel funny in their chest) what physical symptoms are they having (they might start raising their voice, clench their fists that sort of thing)...and if they pay attention to the signs they are starting to lose control the next step is to get them to calm down. One great tip they gave is if a child acts out physically - their body needs a physical release of that stress...so find them something physical to do ie a small indoor rebounder trampoline or breaking out into dance. I tried this with my children and I started random dancing when things were getting tense and not only did it make them laugh, which released stress, they joined in and it changed the mood. You could make it into a family game - like a flash dance. Another tip they gave is if a child or the parent is prone to shouting - burst into song as your body wants to get rid of stress through your voice. I think the key is that you as a parent can start by educating the child on their emotions - helping them to recognise what is going on in their body ie I can see you are feeling frustrated as you are clenching your fists, lets see if we can find a way for your body to help release this emotion in a fun way...and you start dancing and ask them to join in.
But at the end of the day....no one should judge you for asking for the help you need. And if anyone did they are not someone worth knowing.
I hope you get the help you need for your son.

Definitely re read it, it does help, coming from a mom with bruises too

Try other private practices for meds. My friend had to do that - tracking down the right clinic and getting her DS on the right meds and it's worked out well. The fact that one place closed down doesn't mean you have to sit on the interminable list for CAMHS with your hands tied. You have the means to go private and he's well into secondary so go that route and get the meds asap. It sounds like hell for him and all of you until he gets the treatment he needs.

(also thanks for elucidating, the OP wasn't clear but that's understandable - you're dealing with a lot!)

Tell ss you can no longer cope. My situation was different but this is what i had to do. I was battling with a chronic illness and a ds with autism and ld. In my case I knew I absolutely could not cope any longer and social services could see that and provided respite and carers.

I know It's different with your son but you might need to be really firm and clear and say you just cannot continue because he is a risk to you and your other children and your property.

I think unfort the pyschiastrist you saw was a bit of a plonker and has really done you a disservice. In some cases ADHD meds can stunt growth which is maybe why she said this. The meds can affect appetite. But the children are monitored and if this is happening a different plan can be made. But you can see on the NHS website the meds can be taken by 5 years of age...and I bet they are given out for much less than what your son and your family are going through. If I was you I would post on the sen board for an ADHD specialist recommendation in your area. You can also do ADHD sessions for meds online but maybe if he is a child you might prefer it done in person. Also, shop around for prices as you will need several sessions for the meds so best to get a good price from the start.
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) - Treatment - NHS (www.nhs.uk)

Yes go back to the go and say you need a referral to someone who can prescribe the meds.

I assume you mean GP.
As a GP I can tell you we have zero power in these situations. Zero.
There'll be one CAMHS dept for the area, and no NHS alternatives. Private appointments are not arranged by the GP, patients can do that themselves.

It's not that simple ,and takes ages we are supposed to have two overnight respite a month ,we were assessed in December,we were moved up.the waiting list in February because my oldest non disabled child was admitted to critical care, and is still.recovering now ,we are still, waiting there are lots of families in the same boat unfortunately.

Has he got an escape room, shed, garage, to go to? My neighbour has a similar issue with one of their children, he once threw his poor mum down the stairs, he has an escape place which has helped all of them. I know everyone is different but I hope you receive help.

It also comes under domestic abuse legislation now and don’t know if that helps with gaining support.

If you can afford it speak to Warwick Dyer: https://www.behaviourchange.com/theoretical-basis-of-warwicks-work-all.htm
I know these approaches are seen as very harsh on MN but I have seen this technique work on a 15 yo with similar issues to your DS.

i really recommend the book "How not to Murder your ADHD child" written by a lady with ADHD herself who worked as a counsellor for young offenders...a huge proportion of those in young offenders/prison have undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD. I think your child absolutely NEEDS to try meds asap...its not fair on him, you or your family and another psychiatrist would probably prescribe on the basis of what you have told us...how you access this is the problem!! Have you the financial means to pursue it again?

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

I've no advice about the overall issue but wanted to suggest that you sort out your sons phone so that he can't turn of find my phone. I imagine it might cause a massive argument but if he is going out at night it might be worth it in the long term.

You can leave all the other setting unrestricted if you are ok with that but just have find myphone locked.

Good luck.

Do your CAMHS team have a crisis line? Try calling them during his next episode as often mental health services won't step in until crisis point.