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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 27/04/2023 23:43

She didn't say anything to the child, who might actually still be a baby. She made a joke to the OP.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 27/04/2023 23:47

She had an open lighthearted joke with your son and you got on your moral high-horse, and sent her a big slap. I think you being really unreasonable and a bit more.

HyacinthBookay · 27/04/2023 23:49

toomuchlaundry · 27/04/2023 23:41

@ScribblingPixie I wouldn’t be impressed if a relative told my DC that something was a secret and not to be told to their parents. It is the principle even if it is something seemingly innocuous like being given sweets

She didn’t tell the DC!! She told the mum!!! It was meant to be a joke. Not a very good one I agree. But people are assuming that op is reacting to something SIL said to child which isn’t the case.

HyacinthBookay · 27/04/2023 23:52

McSlowburn · 26/04/2023 21:41

This is the most ridiculous and pointless thread.

It sounds like the OP, just by having a child, is able to enact entitlement over others and is completely relishing her own, misguided importance.

This!!!

And everyone’s got the wrong end of the stick. Going on as if SIL asked dc to keep a secret when she did nothing of the sort. And OP hasn’t even tried to put them straight.

HyacinthBookay · 27/04/2023 23:57

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:50

It’s not really daft to have a no secrets rule… it’s one of the most basic way to protect our child when we’re not there.

as @StupidFaces said they were made to keep a bad secret as a child it’s not a rare thing and its unfortunately likely at some point my child may come across an unsafe adult.

Show quote history

OP can you please clear something up. It is really bugging me. Did your SIL ask your dc to kept a secret about sweets? Everyone on here has assumed that she did but from your post she did nothing of the sort. Can you please set us all straight.

toomuchlaundry · 27/04/2023 23:57

But people are saying this is something that shouldn’t be said even in a jokey way, because it is not a great thing to say.

LizzieW1969 · 27/04/2023 23:59

ItsCalledAConversation · 26/04/2023 15:23

You could have been kinder/lighter with this, you didn’t need to make her feel bad. Plenty of people don’t understand the implications of their actions until they’re explained.

I would say it like, as trusted adults we don’t teach children to keep secrets in case another adult wanted them to keep a secret about something harmful. It can be a way for abusers to hide. Hope that’s ok.

This is a very good way of putting it. I agree that children should never be told to keep secrets from their parents as it can be a huge red flag. (I’m also a victim of CSA, and being told to keep secrets was a huge part in this.)

But you yourself have accepted that your SIL was only joking, so there was no need to go overboard about it the way you did. And it could have been handled in a diplomatic way, face to face, no need for text messages with literature about child abuse.

(Having said that, I do think her response was somewhat melodramatic.

The most important person to speak to about not having secrets, though, is your DS.

MumsDebt · 28/04/2023 00:01

Mmmm.

I'm not sure I totally agree on the no secrets rule!

I think you have to consider how you word that to your children.

If they were being abused or harmed etc, you'd obvious want them to tell you.

However, there may be times when they are older that they don't want to tell you things (we've all been there) but it may sometimes be nice for them to think they have an auntie they can go and confide in.

toomuchlaundry · 28/04/2023 00:12

@MumsDebt the no secrets rule being talked about here is the time when an adult tells a child that something they are doing together is a secret and mustn’t tell their parent or trusted adult, not a child deciding that something is secret.

Hoppingmad231 · 28/04/2023 00:14

You over reacted you knew it was a joke yet sent her that anyway. She's probably hurt and thinks you don't trust her. You tell dc it's a no secret rule not everyone else are you going to tell all dc friends about this rule to as no doubt once child gets in school friends will say blah blah blah its a secret don't tell!! You teach the child to tell you if they been told to keep a secret not tell others how bizarre.

user1492757084 · 28/04/2023 00:26

Apologise for being blunt next time you see her.

Even go out of your way to have a coffee date and make up as she is one of the trusted people in the life of your child and she was being loving and fun when she made a mistake in saying that they might eat sweets behind your back.

A proper explanation is due to her; being heavy handed hopefully has not spoiled a simple relationship.

Firethehorse · 28/04/2023 02:20

OP it sounds like your sentiments are great but your message delivery is not. Child safety is important but so is showing your child how to kindly get an important point across. It’s true you didn’t make your sister-in-law cry but she reacted to how you delivered your message. Sounds like you hid behind a text instead of making your point in a pleasant way. Your later post says you don’t care about your sister-in-laws reaction as you are in the right, despite saying she is/will be an important person in your child’s life. A blunt delivery of rules to other mums may make your child a bit short on playdate offers.

WibblyWobblyJane · 28/04/2023 02:48

Chocolatepancakes11 · 27/04/2023 21:06

It’s very clear some of you aren’t parents to little ones and haven’t parented in the modern day. It’s a well known that children are taught from a young age that they shouldn’t keep secrets. It’s bizarre that any functioning, reasonable adult would encourage secrecy and lies in a young child so no OP, you’re not wrong.
As your child grows up, they will learn what it’s okay to keep secret, but when they’re very young they need to know that they must always tell their trusted adults the truth and just because ‘Uncle Steve said that X is a secret between the two of them’, it’s not.

I know multiple people of different ages who were abused by families members and they were all told to keep it a secret by their abusers. You don’t suspect SIL of being abusive . ££5

Not a parent, but was abused so probably a bit more knowledgeable than many on this topic.

I knew not to keep secrets. It mattered not. I kept it until i was an adult.

This whole thread is about a woman who wants to keep her child safe and is rightly terrified about doing so. So she’s taking it out here and in her head on someone she can control. It won’t keep her child safer though and might do the opposite.

Alienating family is one way kids end up in jeopardy. It weakens marriages. Weak marriages sometimes end in divorce, leaving kids much more vulnerable to abuse.

Don’t alienate loving family members!

Inbetweenie993 · 28/04/2023 02:54

YANBU - but texts can sound harsher than intended. A phone call or FTF would have been softer. You are right in principle, but hope you don't fall out with her over it.

electriclight · 28/04/2023 04:07

I think your reaction was extreme. It was an obvious, lighthearted joke and your reaction was to send her information about a 'no secrets' rule that protects children from abuse. It was heavy handed and completely unnecessary. By all means introduce that rule when it is age appropriate, it is sensible, but not pertinent right now to this situation.

I'm a teacher. Yesterday we had extra playtime and I joked that they shouldn't tell anyone that Maths was shorter than usual. I'd have found it bizarre if a parent had emailed me about a no secret rule.

knockyknees · 28/04/2023 04:50

TheSingingBean · 26/04/2023 14:45

You were pompous OP. I'd have been pissed off if you'd done that to me.

No secrets as a principle is fine but you took a little joke out of context.

If you felt you had to say something (and I don't think you did) you should have done it there and then, or at least face to face - not text.

I think you should apologise.

I agree.

Having a "no secrets" rule is fine. But sending your SIL the info was extremely patronising. I'd be really pissed off in her shoes that you thought me such an idiot that you needed to send me links about it.

margarine17 · 28/04/2023 05:41

Heavens to Betsy you sound like hard work. From what I understood your ds was not even offered sweets. I'm with SIL and would say all good but never ask me to babysit.

Ukrainebaby23 · 28/04/2023 05:44

Perhaps it may have been a convo to have f2f rather than text, which in itself is somewhat secretive.

HyacinthBookay · 28/04/2023 06:49

LizzieW1969 · 27/04/2023 23:59

This is a very good way of putting it. I agree that children should never be told to keep secrets from their parents as it can be a huge red flag. (I’m also a victim of CSA, and being told to keep secrets was a huge part in this.)

But you yourself have accepted that your SIL was only joking, so there was no need to go overboard about it the way you did. And it could have been handled in a diplomatic way, face to face, no need for text messages with literature about child abuse.

(Having said that, I do think her response was somewhat melodramatic.

The most important person to speak to about not having secrets, though, is your DS.

Show quote history

The SIL’s reaction was not ott. I would have felt the same way if someone by implication a)accused me of not understanding why it is important for kids not to keep secrets and b) implying that I might be a harmful presence to a child I love.

We don’t know anything about SIL’s own background that made this so significant for her. Child protection is such a sensitive and emotive issue and I would have been mortified if op had acted this way towards me. And I think most of you would too. You are all focusing on the no-secrets rule because most of you are mothers. But this is about the OP’s subtle implication about SIL’s conduct towards her child, insinuating that SIL would ask dc to keep secrets when there is no proof of this. imagine if someone had implied such a thing about you.

i think OP made a faux pas and should just step down and apologise.

margarine17 · 28/04/2023 07:07

Yep . OP has lost a babysitter there, and if I read it right the SIL was talking to the OP not her child - who is a BABY!
FGS people can froth so easily.
Nice if OP came back and explained. Her poor DH has probably run away and she's busy chasing him.

Cosycover · 28/04/2023 07:13

Wow. You really did that?

Just wow.

Jenny70 · 28/04/2023 07:35

Not unreasonable, if you're planning to teach child about not keeping secrets and SIL tells him to keep a secret - he's not going to trust her (or be confused).

We had a good secret/bad secret rule.
Good secrets are things like birthday presents, something nice for dessert, april fools joke - they have a natural endpoint, it's only secret until the reveal/birthday etc.
Bad secrets are ones you are told you should "never tell anyone", things like eating things that you're not allowed (don't tell your mother), near miss accidents (hot cups on coffee table spilling), someone threatening you (or themselves) or going to visit places they aren't allowed to go to. Anything like this must be passed on to a trusted adult - for their own safety and possibly that of their friend/relative. If Grandma nearly has a car accident, or doesn't wear her seatbelt, or a friend says they are being hurt by someone, these are not good secrets, these are bad secrets that need a trusted adult to help resolve.

RachaelN · 28/04/2023 08:00

I agree with you in this. We are teaching our children that adults shouldn't tell you to keep secrets.

HyacinthBookay · 28/04/2023 08:01

RachaelN · 28/04/2023 08:00

I agree with you in this. We are teaching our children that adults shouldn't tell you to keep secrets.

Read my lips: SIL did not tell child to keep a secret!

toomuchlaundry · 28/04/2023 08:04

@HyacinthBookay and you shouldn’t joke about keeping secrets from parents

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