Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Tandora · 26/04/2023 21:21

I don’t think you needed to say anything tbh. She probably feels like she has to walk on eggshells.
important to let your child know they can talk to you about anything - that won’t be achieved by having a “no secrets” rule. Inevitably there will be things your child won’t share. What’s important is they understand they can tell you anything important/ anything that’s making them unhappy / feel unsafe etc. you achieve that by building that sort of relationship with your child,not by telling off relatives for making harmless jokes.

CheriseNuland · 26/04/2023 21:34

Of course no secrets is a sensible rule but context is important and this was a silly joke told in front of you. You could have just responded ‘no we have no secrets in this family!’ Rather than patronise her with follow on information and cause her to feel like she’s just put your child at risk.

She probably feels like she has to walk on eggshells.

Yes. Can’t see how the relationship between op and SIL is ever going to feel normal or pleasant after that.

Minimalme · 26/04/2023 21:36

Telling people around your child that you don't 'do' secrets isn't going to stop bad people.

All you can do is teach dc to talk to you and not allow access unsupervised.

Teaching him the NSPCC pants rule is a good start.

'No secrets' is too broad to be useful.

McSlowburn · 26/04/2023 21:41

This is the most ridiculous and pointless thread.

It sounds like the OP, just by having a child, is able to enact entitlement over others and is completely relishing her own, misguided importance.

Iwishicouldflyhigh · 26/04/2023 21:44

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 20:01

@Kiwisarenotjustfruit thank you this is exactly the aim! And anyone not on board doesn’t get to spend time with my DC alone

Show quote history

I doubt Sil will want to be involved or involved after this.

honestly op, you sound exhausting.

SaveMeFromForearms · 26/04/2023 21:50

You can't force 'all the adults in your sons life to be on the same page and consistent' though.

Your response seems a bit precious and earnest to me; she probably felt very criticised.

Ginger1982 · 26/04/2023 21:55

Massively patronising to send her 'info' 🙄

Hangingonadoor · 27/04/2023 00:06

@Scotlandma I don't think your sil will have any relationship with your child from now on. How patronising of you.

Colourmylifewith · 27/04/2023 16:17

Hangingonadoor · 27/04/2023 00:06

@Scotlandma I don't think your sil will have any relationship with your child from now on. How patronising of you.

I agree, I’d be taking a step back if I was SIL

ScribblingPixie · 27/04/2023 16:48

I think it's sad when parents are very controlling. My SIL was worse actually and my nephews have missed out on being close to extended family - not with me so much as I live hundreds of miles away anyway but others who would have added lots of fun & perks to their lives. They're adults now and it's all a bit of a shame.

OneFinalTry · 27/04/2023 18:05

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:54

I don’t suspect her of anything but it’s important that all the adults in my DS life are on the same page and rules are consistent.

I didn’t want to not say anything and then in a years time or 2 years suddenly say this is a rule it was more of an fyi

I’ve had similar conversations with other mum friends and it was a really casual conversation like obviously.

Show quote history

Is he your PFB? Because a no secrets rule with young children is not at all silly, but expecting all the adults in his life to be on the same page and consistent is naive. Wanting them to be consistent? Fine. Expecting them to be? Setting yourself up for stress and disappointment

Bogasphodel · 27/04/2023 18:07

Secondwindplease · 26/04/2023 13:47

You’re both being daft really.

This

ElleMD80 · 27/04/2023 18:16

Is the view nice up there on your horse? It is up to you to teach your kid to not keep secrets from you. ‘Sending some info’ to anyone who jokes with your child will result in people just avoiding the sprog because mum is insufferable.

Wimin123 · 27/04/2023 18:17

Bit OTT as others have said good luck with the teenage years - bit naive

AliceOlive · 27/04/2023 18:23

I really hate when someone speaks as if their children are a commodity to be used to control others.

Dibbydoos · 27/04/2023 18:54

Is this a joke.

Snowflake needs to grow up methinks...

pollymere · 27/04/2023 18:59

I think you were very polite. "Lots of sweets," and "keeping secrets" are exactly what an abuser WOULD say. If you child learns it's okay with a safe adult like SIL, they won't understand that they are things to avoid with unsafe adults. Most abusers aren't strangers asking if you'd like to see some puppies. Don't have any secrets apart from birthday surprises.

I taught mine and my students that a safe secret is one you can share, or will come out in the short-term as in knowing what someone is getting for Christmas. If someone asks you to keep a secret forever, it's probably not a good thing and if you're worried to tell a safe adult like a parent or teacher. I've had students ask another student to keep abuse secret and this has meant we were able to help.

Solonge · 27/04/2023 19:07

Having brought up a daughter and two sons, I would suggest that expecting teens to not keep secrets is amazingly hopeful! having been a teen myself....I certainly kept secrets...know my children did and know my grandkids do too.

Mikki77 · 27/04/2023 19:14

I had the same rule with my children. 'No secrets allowed, just surprises.'

crowisland · 27/04/2023 19:19

My 10 year old DD had a teacher who groomed her and others while always saying ‘don’t tell your parents this…it’s our secret’. Turned out he’d raped several 11 yr old girls at his previous school and quit before he was charged. He eventually killed Jim self en route to his trial. No end of trauma for the kids, who had wanted to visit him in jail, etc

MustWeDoThis · 27/04/2023 19:54

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

Lol

Goodluck when he's a teenager.

A spoiling with sweets on the odd occasion he goes there are the least of your worries.

OP - I was like this with my eldest. It has bitten me in the backside. You need to learn to say yes to things that aren't world ending.

Vynalbob · 27/04/2023 20:02

The information wasn't necessary unless you suspected something....you parent your child not everyone in their life (that would be exhausting). The rule is perfectly fine but it's your family's rule.
It's also can be a bit hard to judge it a text is blunt or jokey....if you had to say it do it straight away or at least in person...By text later gives the feeling that it was a major thing (and in this instance,SIL, it wasn't).

Mummywarrior · 27/04/2023 20:21

You’re very patronising!

AlinaRawlings · 27/04/2023 20:41

gooseduckchicken · 26/04/2023 13:51

You didn't make her cry. She chose to cry.

I've pulled up relatives about talking to my kids about secrets they will keep from me. It's all fun stuff but I don't like dc being told to keep any secret from me and also I don't like the insinuation that dc can only have fun without me when they're still at an age where they think I'm amazing.

Bet you’re a fun mum 🤦🏼‍♀️😂😩

AlinaRawlings · 27/04/2023 20:48

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

Way way way over the top! Your poor child will be so confused and I can’t see your relationship with SIL being the same again as I would be massively offended with you pulling me on something so small. This whole “don’t keep secrets” thing is just ridiculous, it’s too broad and won’t help….if I was you I’d be apologising to SIL, tell her you overreacted and try to salvage some sort of pleasant relationship.