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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made SIL cry

334 replies

Scotlandma · 26/04/2023 13:44

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Chocolatepancakes11 · 27/04/2023 21:06

It’s very clear some of you aren’t parents to little ones and haven’t parented in the modern day. It’s a well known that children are taught from a young age that they shouldn’t keep secrets. It’s bizarre that any functioning, reasonable adult would encourage secrecy and lies in a young child so no OP, you’re not wrong.
As your child grows up, they will learn what it’s okay to keep secret, but when they’re very young they need to know that they must always tell their trusted adults the truth and just because ‘Uncle Steve said that X is a secret between the two of them’, it’s not.

I know multiple people of different ages who were abused by families members and they were all told to keep it a secret by their abusers. You don’t suspect SIL of being abusive . ££5

Chocolatepancakes11 · 27/04/2023 21:06

Sorry, posted too soon - but it’s the message it sends to children to keep a secret.

Marshmallowblondie · 27/04/2023 21:20

It's not so much that OP's message was wrong @Chocolatepancakes11, it's how the situation was handled. As described OP did seem quite overbearing and left SIL very upset, so I don't think the problem was necessarily what was said, but how it was said.

Lea1234 · 27/04/2023 21:20

Going against the grain here but I don't see anything wrong with you sharing information OP

I feel like one of the hardest things about being a parent is the endless unsolicited advice from family members that 9 times out of 10 I disagree with, yet us the actual parent try to share information that we feel strongly about and we are in the wrong??

I can relate to you maybe I'm seen as overbearing and controlling but I'm really not, I`m actually very open minded and just think it's good to question these things and share/educate, if someone shares factual advise with me with real reasoning and based on research/studies etc I love it, it's great to learn better ways! Instead of the usual opinions/outdated advise and the view of well this is what has always been done/said so it must be fine!

Strongly in the NBU camp :)

Jom222 · 27/04/2023 21:27

YANBU. I don't have kids and am very dumb but even I've heard of the rule not to tell any child something is a secret not to tell their parent(s).

SIL is looking to create drama. Anyone who pushes back against basic child safety rules in another family can go pound sand. Ask H to speak to her or you'll deliver the message yourself. Be as blunt as you want to, this is your child not hers. When/if SIL has her own child she can then dictate things as she wishes.

coeurnoir · 27/04/2023 21:46

This is interesting because when my two were young, my sister was the one who we told them to talk to if they felt that there was anything they couldn't, or didn't want to tell us. She was a safe space for my children to work through their feelings about a lot of things around mine and my husbands divorce, our subsequent remarriages and, on their fathers side, half siblings.
As they got older they have confided in her about lots of other things - most of which I don't know about.
For me it made me feel comfortable knowing that my children had a trusted adult who they could go to as well as their parents, or when they were awkward teens who couldn't talk to their parents.
It would have never occurred to me to stop my sister from developing a trusted, safe, free and separate relationship with my children.
I find this all very odd. Surely we want adults in our children's lives who can love and protect them?

toomuchlaundry · 27/04/2023 21:53

@coeurnoir the difference is I assume that your sister didn’t do or say anything to your DC that she then told them not to tell you

Original poster
Scotlandma · 27/04/2023 21:55

Lea1234 · 27/04/2023 21:20

Going against the grain here but I don't see anything wrong with you sharing information OP

I feel like one of the hardest things about being a parent is the endless unsolicited advice from family members that 9 times out of 10 I disagree with, yet us the actual parent try to share information that we feel strongly about and we are in the wrong??

I can relate to you maybe I'm seen as overbearing and controlling but I'm really not, I`m actually very open minded and just think it's good to question these things and share/educate, if someone shares factual advise with me with real reasoning and based on research/studies etc I love it, it's great to learn better ways! Instead of the usual opinions/outdated advise and the view of well this is what has always been done/said so it must be fine!

Strongly in the NBU camp :)

Thank you @Lea1234 im very similar in that I like to learn and personality I don’t mind being sent information hence why I did it

I wasn’t trying to be malicious also the reason I put it on here to understand and get different opinions !

OP posts:
FangedFrisbee · 27/04/2023 22:07

@Scotlandma very interesting how you've completely ignored all the comments saying you've overreacted and might be worth giving her an apology and only responded to the ones saying essentially' you do you mama bear'

Original poster
Scotlandma · 27/04/2023 22:12

FangedFrisbee · 27/04/2023 22:07

@Scotlandma very interesting how you've completely ignored all the comments saying you've overreacted and might be worth giving her an apology and only responded to the ones saying essentially' you do you mama bear'

@FangedFrisbee yes because I don’t agree. I actually did reply to comments about the way I told her and admitted that although I meant no harm I’ll take comments on board.

but I’m not apologizing because I don’t care. Safe guarding my child is more important to me my DP agrees with me and I’m my child mum and I make the decisions to parent him and keep him safe in the way I believe is best.

one day if SIL has children I will respect her rules for her children she doesn’t have to have a no secrets rule and whether I agree with any of her rules won’t matter as it’s her child and I’ll respect her decisions so in the meantime I expect the same.

OP posts:
coeurnoir · 27/04/2023 22:15

If you think you will go through life in a no secret house from a teenager, you are very naive.

Fuck yeah. Which is why I made sure my children had a trusted adult in their lives apart from their parents who they could talk to, and confide in and who they could trust not to tell their secrets to either me or their dad.

Myauntiesmustache · 27/04/2023 22:19

She needs to grow up and stop being a drama-llama.

You gave her your boundaries and she cried.

Silly woman.

MadMadaMim · 27/04/2023 22:21

We had the no secret thing. And all the best people who interacted with my DC were told, along with explanation. It's not necessarily about not having secrets, which most people assume. It's more about setting the expectation that they should always share if they're part of a secret and not about the secret itself - that is something to discuss and decide based on the initial info

For example, when my DC was was around 7,nrhey told me that a very close family member ego we visited regularly and often, had asked her 'not to tell mummy'. I asked why they thought that 'x' asked then to not tell mummy, and she said 'because it's something you wouldn't want me to do'. It was. 'x' knew it was and had been explicity told it was but did it anyway as they didn't respect my wishes in parenting my child and who/what my child should be exposed to. It happened more than once. From 2 different people.

As young as my DC was and as much as she was happy to join in the secret, they knew that I always only have their best interest in mind and had very valid reasons for my decisions. It made the teen years so much easier as the trust and respect we'd built enabled us to be honest and frank. And the no secret ethos was a big part of that.

It is one tool of many to help protect our DC as much as possible.

coeurnoir · 27/04/2023 22:28

Chocolatepancakes11 · 27/04/2023 21:06

It’s very clear some of you aren’t parents to little ones and haven’t parented in the modern day. It’s a well known that children are taught from a young age that they shouldn’t keep secrets. It’s bizarre that any functioning, reasonable adult would encourage secrecy and lies in a young child so no OP, you’re not wrong.
As your child grows up, they will learn what it’s okay to keep secret, but when they’re very young they need to know that they must always tell their trusted adults the truth and just because ‘Uncle Steve said that X is a secret between the two of them’, it’s not.

I know multiple people of different ages who were abused by families members and they were all told to keep it a secret by their abusers. You don’t suspect SIL of being abusive . ££5

In the modern day? Really. How patronising. 🙄

coeurnoir · 27/04/2023 22:32

toomuchlaundry · 27/04/2023 21:53

@coeurnoir the difference is I assume that your sister didn’t do or say anything to your DC that she then told them not to tell you

Well, actually, like the OP's SIL she made jokes about feeding them sweets. The thing is...we trusted her to tell us if our children said anything we needed to know (as she worked in CP) and we could tell the difference between a joke....and abuse.

Frankly if one of my siblings had treated me, as an aunt, in that way I'd have felt hurt too. Actually, more likely I'd have told them to fuck off with any babysitting requests.

toomuchlaundry · 27/04/2023 22:35

Some of you are missing the message. It is not about a child choosing to keep something secret, the message is about another adult telling your child to keep something secret.

So those telling your child there is another trusted adult to talk to is fine. If that adult then did something with your child and told them that was their secret and they mustn’t tell their parents would not be fine.

toomuchlaundry · 27/04/2023 22:40

@coeurnoir abusers can start with giving sweets to children and tell them not to tell parents as it is their little secret and once they see children not passing on that secret, can then start building up their behaviour. That is why it is not a good idea to use it as a joke

Murphs1 · 27/04/2023 22:41

I totally understand where you’re coming from as my MIL tried to initiate a secret club with my children when they were smaller. I nicely said I know it’s a bit of fun but maybe you could have a different kind of club as I don’t want the children to think keeping secrets from me is a fun thing to do.
She didn’t like it but agreed.
So of course I agree with your sentiment but I think you went about it totally the wrong way.

Pluvia · 27/04/2023 22:49

coeurnoir · 27/04/2023 22:15

If you think you will go through life in a no secret house from a teenager, you are very naive.

Fuck yeah. Which is why I made sure my children had a trusted adult in their lives apart from their parents who they could talk to, and confide in and who they could trust not to tell their secrets to either me or their dad.

I think you sound a great mum.

Original poster
Scotlandma · 27/04/2023 22:56

Pluvia · 27/04/2023 22:49

I think you sound a great mum.

Show quote history

@coeurnoir this post isn’t about teenagers or about a child deciding to tell a secret but I thought I’d respond to this as I’d expect a trusted adult to tell me what’s going on with my own child.

as a parent I obviously wouldn’t tell my child I know but it would enable me as a parent to be more supportive and understanding.

but as I said you’ve missed the point as it’s about a YOUNG child being told something is our secret and don’t tell mummy.

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 27/04/2023 23:18

I agree with the principal of no secrets but I think you needed to say it then and there.

The main thing is getting the message to your child because if you trust your child to speak up then it doesnt matter what auntie or anyone else says, your child knows the rules to stay safe.

You cant control other adults and parenting is about helping your child learn to stay safe, not just policing others.

HyacinthBookay · 27/04/2023 23:26

pollymere · 27/04/2023 18:59

I think you were very polite. "Lots of sweets," and "keeping secrets" are exactly what an abuser WOULD say. If you child learns it's okay with a safe adult like SIL, they won't understand that they are things to avoid with unsafe adults. Most abusers aren't strangers asking if you'd like to see some puppies. Don't have any secrets apart from birthday surprises.

I taught mine and my students that a safe secret is one you can share, or will come out in the short-term as in knowing what someone is getting for Christmas. If someone asks you to keep a secret forever, it's probably not a good thing and if you're worried to tell a safe adult like a parent or teacher. I've had students ask another student to keep abuse secret and this has meant we were able to help.

But SIL didn’t say anything about lots of sweets and secrets to dc (and probably never would)?she said it to OP. poor SIL.

toomuchlaundry · 27/04/2023 23:29

@HyacinthBookay but it shouldn’t be used as a joke, even when chatting with an adult. It is a known ruse used by abusers so why would someone see it as a jokey thing to say

ScribblingPixie · 27/04/2023 23:30

You say that 'when DS is older we will have a no secrets rule' so presumably he's tiny and it's not relevant yet. It sounds like your SIL was excited about having an aunty-nephew relationship and you didn't like that so decided to assert your authority and bang on about what rules she'd have to follow in order to be allowed to spend time with him.

toomuchlaundry · 27/04/2023 23:41

@ScribblingPixie I wouldn’t be impressed if a relative told my DC that something was a secret and not to be told to their parents. It is the principle even if it is something seemingly innocuous like being given sweets