To have made SIL cry

[Scotlandma]

A while ago whilst visiting with SIL she made a joke about giving DS lots of sweets when he comes over and said it’ll be a secret.

completely harmless.
however the next time we spoke (by text) I did just say I know you were joking but just so you know for the future when DS is older we will have a no secret rule and just sent a little information on why we want to have a no secret rule for children.

she then called DH crying saying I’ve offended her…

am I being unreasonable?

You've been completely over the top. I think you should apologize.

But crying is a bit dramatic, unless you've got form for this kind of thing and it was the last straw.

This.
You were over the top. Of course she was upset. You can look out for your child without behaving like this surely.

Yes everyone has seen the things about secrets and abuse. But one more time for the people in back. The point is to teach the child tell any and all secrets to mum and dad, not to stop all secrets being told to the child.

Every time Jr repeats a secret they’ve been told is a chance for mum and dad to reinforce they did the right thing, reduce the awkwardness for the child, eventually start to introduce more nuance to the rule as they get older.

If you are relying on adults to not tell secrets you are doing the rule wrong.

@saltinesandcoffeecups but adults should also know that they shouldn’t be saying those things to children, even as a joke

You can’t control other adults and you’re giving yourself a false sense of security if you think you can.

I wouldn't have cried. I would have rolled my eyes hard at you though.

This.

No need for the sarcasm. Let’s agree to differ.

You can’t control other adults but it seems from this thread that many posters don’t think there is any harm in saying it to children, so it does seem that quite a few people need educating in safeguarding

This is ridiculous. On the one hand you’re saying there should be a blanket rule on secrets, but then you’re saying some secrets are OK, if it’s a nice surprise for Mummy. I’m no expert but I’m guessing abusers don’t make it easy for kids. They’ll say stuff like “after we’ve had our special time together, let’s make a nice cake for Mummy, but don’t tell her about our time together, it’s a secret, Mummy will love her cake”.

You’re contradicting yourself.

Surely the best thing to do is not to upset the lovely people who might be looking after your child when you can’t, by being petty and patronising.

No, we covered this upthread. You separate the words ´secret’ and ´surprise’. Surprises are things you don’t tell someone about until it’s ready, like a birthday cake. Then you tell them. Telling them is the fun part. Surprises make people feel happy. Sometimes secrets make you feel confused or worried or scared. Adults shouldn’t ask children to keep secrets. If an adult or even another child asks you to keep a secret, you should tell mum and dad about it anyway, or a teacher or someone you trust.

My understanding (I may be wrong) was that this was said by one adult to another, in the presence of a baby. I didn’t get the sense from the OP that SIL made this comment to a child old enough to know what they were talking about.

It’s all about balance. OP knew her SIL was joking, she knew no harm was meant or done. Yet she chose to make it into an issue, in such a forthright way that SIL become distressed. Surely the adult thing to do is look at the context, consider the consequences, weigh up the pros and cons, consider raising it in general conversation if necessary. Not give her poor SIL a patronising bollocking that will doubtless damage their relationship.

Yes but an abuser will use both words, causing confusion.

whatever. OP was utterly unreasonable

What, like ´don’t tell mummy I tickle you under your clothes’ it’s a surprise.
That’s not going to work is it.
And again, the abuser is far less likely to try anything on a kid who says ´we don’t have secrets in our family’ every time another family member innocently slips up and says ´can you keep a secret?’. It’s the same reason we teach the pants rule and teach kids proper names for all their anatomy. It gives abusers less opportunity.

@KittyAlfred a surprise for something that someone finds out about at some time and will make them happy, birthday present being a prime example, is fine, a surprise that is disguised as a secret ie something that will never be told, is not fine

...and yet that's how it started with me. Unless my memory is playing disgusting tricks on me.

Semantics.
the fact is, OP handled it very badly and upset someone who will no longer be a much part of her child’s life as she would otherwise have been. When OP has recovered from being such a patronising PFB Mummy, she’ll realise she shot herself in the foot by being a bitch to PFB’s aunty.

Plus to be fair, it wasn’t a secret as the sil told the op in advance.

@Vodkaislethal but it's the principle, as those who are involved in safeguarding have said, it is not a good phrase to use even in jest

Or, SIL will clock on to what OP is trying to do, realise she’s actually trying to get her onboard as a trusted adult who can help keep her child safe, and get with the program. Probably when someone else (friend, different family member) helpfully points out that have the same rule for the same reasons.

Nah, reckon she’ll fry and avoid her “blunt” aka nasty SIL

@Kiwisarenotjustfruit thank you this is exactly the aim! And anyone not on board doesn’t get to spend time with my DC alone

Yeah I would, I genuinely would find an adult crying over nothing funny … unless there is something else going on with her of course but I can’t be doing with adults who cry at the drop of a hat and then expect attention for it

I hope you got the validation you were so clearly desperate for, OP?

Better that your husband interacts with his sister in respect of contact with her nephew. If I were your sister in law, I wouldn't be interacting with you, you're completely overbearing.

Or avoid her because said SIL is apparently inclined to equate innocent (if somewhat ill judged) comments with child sexual abuse and Aunt wants to avoid having her life ruined by such rumours being spread about her.