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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Older men expecting you to move

312 replies

Miloticc · 25/04/2023 09:36

…And getting furious when you don’t??
Is it just me? Men keep getting really angry at me when I won’t move out the way or let them into traffic, etc. A few examples:

This morning I didn’t let an older gentleman in a Range Rover filter into traffic from a junction, because the car behind me was already yielding for him. He was beeping, swearing and flashing his lights like crazy at me 😳

The other day an older man in a van tried to force his way in front of me in a lane merge (when there was no gap in front of me and no cars behind me) and was absolutely seething that I didn’t just stop and let him do it.

I had a man in about his 60’s (not old by any means, so capable of waiting with the rest of us) try and step in front of me in a bus queue and was livid when I wouldn’t make space for him and he had to go to the back. He actually shoved me.

When I walk down the street everyone kind of weaves around each other but I’ve noticed men that are older than me (I’m in my 30’s) will try and walk right through me, expecting me to jump out their way.

Obviously not all men, but enough that I’m really noticing it. More so now than when I was in my early 20’s! They stay calm if they get their own way, but if I dare to stand my ground they go from 0-100

YABU - Just move and let them get on with it
YANBU - It shouldn’t make them so angry

OP posts:
Wenfy · 25/04/2023 10:36

FictionalCharacter · 25/04/2023 10:24

This is quite a well known phenomenon. Men believe they own all public space and expect women to give way for them. Some women have tried this out and spent a day not moving aside for men on footpaths, and what happens is that the men just crash into them.
There are plenty of men who like to be courteous and open doors etc. for women. But the difference is that this is on their own terms, they are generously offering their chivalry to women if they choose, as a gift. But they don’t think women are allowed to claim space on the pavement or the train seat for themselves.
I read an interesting article by a female journalist who visited Afghanistan a few years ago. She noticed that Afghan women wearing the full burka were treated like dirt by men, who shoved them out of the way on footpaths shouting at them, and seemed intensely irritated by their very presence. Yet these women were dressing and behaving in exactly the correct way to demonstrate their religious devotion and submission to the Taliban’s commands. This should make them worthy of respect, but instead they get treated with contempt.
Sadly it’s all just different degrees of misogyny.

An unaccompanied woman in Burkha in Afghanistan is usually poor and a begger or a prostitute. Over there, strangely enough, if a woman lives in a small village where she knows and is related to everyone (quite common in Afghanistan), there isn’t a need to wear burkha (even in Taliban villages) and those women tend to be treated very well.

DannyZukosSmile · 25/04/2023 10:37

Dropzonefourpleaseben · 25/04/2023 10:24

It’s not only ‘old’ men. Last week, I checked my rear view mirror to see a thirty something in a van behind having some sort of apocalyptic episode, arms waving and some obviously rich language aimed at me as I’d had the sheer gall to stop at a red traffic light.

This. ^ It's not just 'older' men. Many younger men too. Men between 40 and 55-ish are the rudest of the lot IMO. And some women are rude too.

Sweeping generalisation there @Miloticc

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 25/04/2023 10:37

I notice this, too. my theory is that they're perpetually angry that their little willies don't work so they take it out on people they think won't fight back.

Willowkins · 25/04/2023 10:38

I was just talking about this yesterday. My examples from this week (all men over 60) are: a work colleague who walked up behind me and grabbed my bag; an acquaintance who belittled me when I'd actually done a good job; and I was just cursed (proper 'I'm a gypsy and you're cursed') because I politely asked this guy if he had permission to take stuff out of my neighbour's skip. They're all just bullies.

onefinemess · 25/04/2023 10:39

I dunno OP, where I live it's the school run mums who think they have the God given right to drive wherever they like, park wherever they like and not give a toss about anyone.

Just try walking down a pavement within a mile of our local primary at kick out time!

You think a man walking towards you on the pavement is indifferent to you, try two tonnes of Land Rover!

Never mind though, it's fine, men are the problem, not Lydia, who's only parking there to pick up little Kayleeah and her brother Kyle, and don't you dare expect her to move her "Rangie", it's almost half a mile to her house, where do you expect her to park!

You might call her a concerned mother, I call her a dick with tits.

Isheabastard · 25/04/2023 10:41

I agree with all this. Men walking in the street and driving. But some others as well:

Once I was at home when we were having a side extension built. The workmen had laid the foundation. At the same time the oil delivery man arrived.

Our oil tank is behind the house and accessed by going around the side of the house. The delivery man sucked his teeth and said he couldn’t go around the side because of health and safety (yes really).

I was just in the middle of suggesting if I could pull the hose around for him, when one of the builders suggested he could do it. As soon as the oil man realised another man had overheard him, he suddenly decided it wasn’t dangerous at all. (It wasn’t at all a problem and you only had to step over one short single brick wall and a bit of mud).

But it’s mostly workmen in the house who think you will believe any bullshit they give you.

Simonjt · 25/04/2023 10:41

coffeeiswgatkeepsmesane · 25/04/2023 10:05

Hmmm re the lane merge you are supposed to take it in turns and 'zip' so if you had got really close to the car in front of you so he couldn't merge, you were in the wrong. He wasn't pushing into your lane, he was trying to merge.

It’s still no excuse to be rude or aggressive.

Abhannmor · 25/04/2023 10:43

I'm an old git and my experience as a pedestrian has been quite different. Young ppl of both sexes basically try to walk through me on the pavement.

But I'm simply not agile enough to keep hopping into the gutter or press myself flat against the wall , even had I the inclination. So , when I see some Gen Z bod approaching, I now turn sideways on and gaze fixedly at something across the road.

This leaves plenty of room on the pavement for both of us and I don't have to jump around the place. One day I'll be pushed over no doubt. But what's the alternative?

Hellsmovie · 25/04/2023 10:44

Bad drivers come in all shapes and sizes and SEX. It's not exclusive to older men .

Funny how ageism and sexism is ok when aimed at men.

Passthewine45 · 25/04/2023 10:44

I don't think it's an age thing. I think it's a range rover & white man van thing. It seems to be a prerequisite that you must be a completely obnoxious, rude d**k head to drive either of those cars. Also putting porsche 4x4 drivers and BMW drivers in that category. I never let them out at junctions.

mumofgirls87 · 25/04/2023 10:44

Hellsmovie · 25/04/2023 10:44

Bad drivers come in all shapes and sizes and SEX. It's not exclusive to older men .

Funny how ageism and sexism is ok when aimed at men.

Op does state not all men.

Keepthetowel · 25/04/2023 10:45

Yep, this is why the young ‘Be kind’ women don’t see misogyny and stereotypes. It’s only when you become older and there Irrelevant to men that you really see the patriarchy.

FictionalCharacter · 25/04/2023 10:46

@Willowkins What was your colleague playing at grabbing your bag?!

Original poster
Miloticc · 25/04/2023 10:46

DannyZukosSmile · 25/04/2023 10:37

This. ^ It's not just 'older' men. Many younger men too. Men between 40 and 55-ish are the rudest of the lot IMO. And some women are rude too.

Sweeping generalisation there @Miloticc

Show quote history

Sorry I was trying to avoid the sweeping generalisation! Hope I haven’t caused any offence. I said ‘older’ meaning ‘older than me’ because the men doing it certainly aren’t old by any means.

I have noticed that men in their 20’s/30’s aren’t as confrontational with me if I don’t move out of their way. But obviously men/women of all ages can be arseholes.

OP posts:
LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 25/04/2023 10:48

I drive a lot and experience the most rude aggressive dickhead behaviour on the roads daily. It is almost always men, of varying ages. I give them no quarter now, block them if they try pushing in, slow down if the tailgate, never accommodate them. They started the game, but I can play it too. I'm generally the opposite when its women drivers, although I've rarely ever had any issues with them. Difficult on pavements though as they use their size to force & intimidate.

Willowkins · 25/04/2023 10:49

@FictionalCharacter He thought it was a joke. He was astonished when I told him it was actually assault and to never, Never NEVER do it again.

Vivalaive · 25/04/2023 10:49

I had an incident with an older man this morning! Dropped my dcs at school, have to pull out of a really crappy junction to get back onto main road. I’m turning right so obviously have two directions to check before moving out safely. He flashed lights to let me out, saw this I checked left, then as I start pulling out he’s like waving his arms as if I haven’t moved quick enough. I had seen he was letting me go but still I have to look left before pulling out! Maybe they get a chub on by acting aggressively towards women when in their vehicles? I think I took him by surprise by mouthing ‘alright knob head’😂 anyway let’s just be grateful we aren’t these men who need to get a grip.

PickupperPenguin · 25/04/2023 10:49

Catspyjamas17 · 25/04/2023 10:28

The worst experiences I've had with men was walking around Fenchurch St area in London as I used to work near there a few years back. They would actually walk into you on purpose and someone nearly took my shoulder off going past me. The only consolation is that I am quite solid and I hope he hurt himself.

Sometimes I was using Google maps on my phone to find where I was going for a meeting - but looking where I was going properly and on usually fairly quiet pavements. A different guy I swear changed his path to deliberately bump into me.

I’ve had exactly the same experience re. a man crossing the street to purposefully barge me as he walked past. I was sending a quick message andlooked up to check my path was clear and I wasn’t about to walk into anyone, so I’d already clocked he was on the opposite side of the road. Next thing I know, he’d appeared right in front of me and shoulder-barged me hard as he passed.

Also had a man push in to the front of quite a long queue in a shop. When I called him out on it and told him there was a queue, he shouted at me why I thought I was so important as he stormed to the back.

Both of these were in Germany, so sadly not just a UK thing.

Original poster
Miloticc · 25/04/2023 10:50

Keepthetowel · 25/04/2023 10:45

Yep, this is why the young ‘Be kind’ women don’t see misogyny and stereotypes. It’s only when you become older and there Irrelevant to men that you really see the patriarchy.

I actually think this is exactly what’s happened to me. I’m really big on manners and I’ve always been the person to “let someone in front” to be kind. But wow is it clearer now.

OP posts:
PinkFootstool · 25/04/2023 10:51

Patriarchy Chicken.

Great game, but be prepared for bruises.

FictionalCharacter · 25/04/2023 10:51

Willowkins · 25/04/2023 10:49

@FictionalCharacter He thought it was a joke. He was astonished when I told him it was actually assault and to never, Never NEVER do it again.

Wow, what a prize idiot.

Original poster
Miloticc · 25/04/2023 10:52

Also completely willing to accept all the opinions about school mums, I don’t have any experience with it as we don’t really have any “Range Rover mums” where I live. But I do believe you!

OP posts:
Kyse · 25/04/2023 10:52

I got shoulder barged by an older man once because I didn't move out the way
Was recovering after a massive spinal op, and the shopping centre was quiet and flat to walk around with benches for a rest, so I went there for a coffee and to practice my walking on safe ground
I was walking at the very edge out the way, he rammed into me, didn't apologise and really hurt me because he jarred my back Angry

MonumentalLentil · 25/04/2023 10:53

It's not just men on the roads, round here the women will stop and block the road until you move for them when you are the one with the ROW, these are younger women, usually with Chelsea tractors or similar size vehicles. They don't even give way to older women, never mind anyone else. One of them ran a neighbour (male) off the road last week and didn't stop.

As for walking through town, I noticed it in the 90's, most people, of any sex would expect me to move over on a busy pavement and once I was aware that I was doing it, I stopped. I squared my shoulders and put my head up and I just walked smartly, people moved over. I still do this and get annoyed with my partner who moves into the gutter when it isn't even necessary. I do move for older people, slower people, disabled people etc. and anyone who is polite, which is rare. Keeping your head up means you can see if there is anyone you need to be aware of knocking over, rather than being glued to a phone although mine stays in my pocket or bag, safely away from thieves.

I have noticed that men do expect you to shift over for them, manners have died in this country. Sadly women are no better.