to end a 10 year friendship over this?

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

For clarity: by ‘fails to do this’ I meant ‘fails to inform the school’ not ‘fails to consider moving their own child from a school that apparently can’t tackle bullying’. Just realised that was ambiguous 😁

Oh dear - you painted in your OP that this 'friend' had not told you...but she told you her son was bringing it up with the teacher. I am guessing she assumed you knew. If a child was getting bullied at school and the teachers knew - I would assume the teacher had told the parent. I think you need to ask her why she had not said anything to you. Maybe she is a friend but not a close friend. The fact she is also a governor adds another layer - she is likely to let the teachers get on with their jobs. Its your son's teacher I would be most angry with - not your friend and not yourself.

The thing that I don’t understand here is how this could have been going on for months, and you didn’t notice????

I would be very upset. I’m would ask her how long she had known and why she didn’t tell you. I don’t know if I would stop being friends as I’m not in that situation but you have to do what you feel is best for you.

It's not a conflict of interest. Parent governors have the same responsibilities as any other governor. But you are absolutely right - all governors must be neutral.

If there's any conflict of interest, you excuse yourself from the discussion/decision. A decent person will be honest about any conflict of interest, and a decent school will be vigilant for any potential conflict of interest and ask the parent governor to step outside if they feel it is appropriate.

I was a parent governor for more than six years (including being the acting chair of governors for a period).

Governors aren't responsible for running the school - that's up to the senior leadership team. Governors are there to hold the senior leadership team to account, and to make sure the right mechanisms are in place, and the school is performing as it should.

As a governor, I've tipped off our Head about a potential problem I'd been made aware of on more than one occasion. But I couldn't intervene and nor did I (or any other governor) have any influence - how the school handles things is the responsibility of the senior leadership team, unless an official complaint is submitted and I'm one of the governors chosen to investigate it.

OP, I'm autistic too with autistic DC - I get how heartbreaking it is. I think the previous comment pointing out that your friend's DS was looking out for your boy is bang on. I know you're upset and hurt, but I think this should entirely be directed at the school. Your friend/acquaintance probably didn't quite know what to say, or whether it was her place.

How would you know if your child isn't able to tell you? If there's no physical marks etc? Communication is difficult for many autistic children even in perfect conditions, and the OP has described her child as frequently nonverbal.

School can be a difficult and complex place for autistic children - and there can be school reluctance, even when there's no bullying. It's not easy to tell when there's an issue and when it's just general overwhelm with school life.

When you have an autistic child who doesn't have great verbal skills, you put a lot of trust in the school to look out for them and to make sure that they're safe.

My DS used to scream, cry and hide about going to school. I had no idea what he did at school because he couldn't tell me. Except I did know because we had a home school diary where the teachers wrote me notes at the end of every day. This is the kind of thing you have to rely on when you have an autistic child. I was the deputy chair of the PTA and also the SEN governor - I spent many, many hours every week actually in the school. So I know he was treated with love and compassion, it was a wonderful school. We had lots of autistic children in the mainstream and the SEN unit and they were just accepted. Yet if you looked at his behaviour you'd think there MUST be an issue. There wasn't. He just hated change, the overstimulation, and being away from home.

It's so hard to put your trust in another person to look out for your vulnerable child in the way that they need - especially when there's 29 other children in the class.

As a "friend" she should have said something to you as soon as her son told her. It's pretty despicable that she didn't.
It really is no excuse to say that she assumed you knew. At the very least she should have checked with you and offered her support.
I feel so sorry for your DS and I hope that the school will deal with the bullies effectively.

If this friend and a bully's parent are governors and they knew about the bullying and the school has known about it but not acted it very much sounds like a power racket with your son sacrificed for this - I would push for these people to.be removed from the board as they have failed manage their conflict of interest and knowingly failed to hold the school to account in managing this case of bullying - of which they were aware. I would also make a complaint against the school as teachers were informed and failed to act to protect a vulnerable child.

Woah. I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt. But no way.

I'm glad granny is an inspector. Jeez. Good luck to you x

I too think this isn’t the right school for OPs son but for another reason. It seems as though what ds endured has not been properly dealt with because the ringleader’s parent is a governor, which may be why the acquaintance- friend didn’t say anything. Awful. Just awful.

@MrTiddlesTheCat I agree 100% with what @NotMyDayJob wrote.

Does your son have an EHCP in place? If not please apply for one through your local authority asap.. this assessment will determine what level of support he needs in mainstream and they’ll have to fund 1:1 for him.
I’d also put in an official complaint!… jt
sounds like the school hasn’t responded to the bullying because the parent is a governor?!… not good enough!
Call a meeting with the head and state you do not send your child into school to be abused… maybe you mr parent that is an inspector could come to the meeting with you and support your official complaint…
My daughter was bullied and I tried to deal with it myself by just talking to the teacher and nothing was done, it was only when I made it an official complaint that the school put measures in place, the dinner ladies etc were made aware and kept a closer eye and the child was spoken to/parent called in (she refused to attend any meetings though!)…. But only after I made an official complaint did the school act and the bully stop.

She is not your friend. Her child has been informing her on a daily basis, and she even didn’t call you to check whether you are aware of the situation or not. This is definitely something that I would do for all of
my friends. And yes, this is something that I expect in return from my friends too.

I have an autistic son too. This is enraging.
For all the people saying she assumed you knew - well then why, when you told her you’d just found out, did she not say “oh my goodness I’m so sorry, I thought you knew. I wish I’d said something before as I can see how upset you are.”???

Also if you've been friends with someone who has a non-speaking child for 10 YEARS(!! )Then you know they likely can’t advocate for themselves and you make damn sure that if you hear anything negative that has happened to them you share it with their parent.

I cannot believe some of the comments here about how the op and others have “ridiculously high standards” for having friends!? Wtf. Intervening to ensure a vulnerable child of your friend doesn’t continue to get bullied is the bare-fucking-minimum level of friendship.

I think you are projecting op.
You are angry with her, but deep down you are anrgy with yourself for sending your non communicating child with asd to a mainstream school..

That being sad. She should have said something. And the school sounds incapable of safeguarding.

Time to pull your kid out of school. Before anymore trauma is inflicted. And therapy should be on the cards to see what damage has already been done asap. Poor kid!!!

That is so fucking unfair.

Is her so one of the offenders?

Her son

I'm seething for you!

Unless there's a genuine reason that you've missed here and that there's a misunderstanding, I would definitely be reconsidering any friend that wouldn't put my child's welfare first and foremost.

If I knew any of my friend's children were being bullied in any way I'd be letting them know and helping them in any way to find a way to a) help/console the child and b) stop the evil kids from causing the problems.

Children are cruel - sounds like your not-so-friend ain't so great either!

Hang on a second, surely a school Governor is obliged to contact the parents of a child that is being bullied to let them know that their child is being bullied and steps are being taken to resolve the issue, if they have been made aware that a child is being bullied?

I can understand a Governor not telling other parents or a blanket announcement being made due to privacy issues but surely to goodness that the parents of the bullied child should be contacted? How can these things happen in an information vacuum???

This Governor's son is a better human being (at least he was reporting the bullying to a teacher) than the teacher (who probably should have been the first to make contact with the OP advising that her son was being bullied) and the Governor.

I'd remove my child from that school and start making noise, even considering going to the media about how this has been shockingly badly handled, all the while a boy was repeatedly being bullied.

I fucking hate bullies. They are the scum of the earth. The sap the victim of any sort of self worth and confidence.

You are very nice and kind person.i wish to have friends like you

This is outrageous

It's totally understandable and natural that you feel angry and betray, you should be,in all of them mainly with the school and people who did the bullying you son,it's quite serious situation and it would be unhealthy to suppress your feelings now....once the first shock gone,the action should take place,the school should have noticed and make steps to do something against it,if they didn't they failed and I would speak to the head teacher about it ,maybe even consider to make an official complaint or complain to Ofsted or local council,where was the school stuff when it was happening.
Kids can be cute,but unfortunatelly some of them cruel as well and many of us went throw some point of bullying or harder teasing in some point of life.the mental bullying like calling names or silly jokes is a bit harder to notice then kicking or physical ,hower all of it is hardly forgivable for long time and the bully is carrying the quilt and should be punished ( mean at least complain that person by teacher) in front of class or publicly so the rest of the class see that's it is not OK and silly thing to do any sort of bullying or to be part of it

Regarding your friend I think the answer of others are kind of all partly right,on one hand the sensitive topic are hard to talk about,but eventhough if she would know she should have offer hug and support and if she didn't tell u,she was risking the bullying would happened for longer time... I would probably take lots of space from her and wouldn't talk or approach her much,maybe after longer time once the things are sorted out at school I would ask her why she didn't tell you earlier,but that wouldn't promise I would want renew the friendship with her,maybe after longer time I would consider if she was supportive in other matters .
Right now I think you would be better of thinking about some other people,who are kind and loving,or make new friends,maybe even start more talk with other parents even with that one which she told you about it....
Also some new hobby or night class or in gym to start new friendships,with loving and kind and reliable people and also to have a short break in order put your mind off for short time to rest.
But please don't close yourself to others totally in long term,despite of horrible things happened in our life's ,there are people out there who would appreciate to get know caring,reliable and strong person as you...

Almost every child can communicate,even with their voice or facial impression,they can also feel a lot.you shouldn't be assuming that if that child in mainstream that it shouldn't be safe,it should be and it's a quilt of the stuff that they haven't notice,and other kids around as well that they haven't notice and announce it to the stuff.especially if it was in mainstream where the communication shouldn't be so difficult.
And don't think the bullying or hard teasing is not happening in other schools or workplaces,it does,just sometimes it's only mental not physical ,it is unfortunatelly still problem of society eventhough hopefully less then in the past.