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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to end a 10 year friendship over this?

282 replies

MrTiddlesTheCat · 24/04/2023 15:53

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

OP posts:
Blizzard23 · 25/04/2023 07:42

MrTiddlesTheCat · 24/04/2023 19:42

I struggle with the concept of friend v acquaintence. I've only learnt that there's a difference since joining mumsnet. I thought of this person as a friend. We chat, we get on, I invite her to social events I host and she always comes, her family have joined us for Christmas dinner several times, at school events she'll come and sit with me etc. But I've never been invited to anything hosted by her beyond kids party in the village hall. So I'm feeling a bit of mug to be honest.

Given your update, she is most definitely a ‘friend’ but not a very good one, and it sounds very one sided. I would distance from her, yes, and focus entirely on your son and the school. He needs to be safe, and they have a duty to look after him. This must feel like a double whammy. I hope the school steps up.

Noodles1234 · 25/04/2023 17:54

She may have:
thought you already knew
only recently found out and had a lot on herself

yes I would hope / expect friends to tell me, and I’m sorry this has happened and the school hadn’t noticed.

yes misplaced anger, you should be feeling anger towards the older kids / situation.

I remember telling a parent something about their child at school, not bullying just procedure and they didn’t know - and I’d known about it for months I just assumed they knew. I felt awful.

Shotokan101 · 25/04/2023 18:11

Even if she "thought you knew" a real friend would still make contact to check whether you were both OK- also surely a friend would have realised that you would have never allowed it to continue if you had known about the constant ongoing bullying?

HelloDaisy · 25/04/2023 18:17

Careerdilemma · 24/04/2023 15:57

I generally think people on here overreact massively and write friends off at the drop of a hat. But this is totally unforgiveable. Unless somehow she thought she thought you were already aware? But that seems unlikely.

I would give her the chance to explain out of respect for the last ten years but unless she has a bloody good reason I'd be calling it a day.

I'm so sorry. I hope things improve very soon.

I totally agree with this.

Do give her a chance to explain herself and then see how you feel and if you can move past it. Personally I would expect my friends to always have my corner and know that if any of them knew they would discuss it with me. They would also be contacting the school to report. No way could I ignore that information and leave my friend’s son being bullied without helping.

You need your friends to fight your battles with you not stand quietly at the side just watching…

NotQuiteHere · 25/04/2023 18:18

MrTiddlesTheCat · 24/04/2023 18:55

I'll probably get slated for drip feeding now, but I didn't want to say too much in my OP as I think it is quite outing but friend (who I now realise is aquaintance rather than actual friend) is one of the governors. She told me yesterday that the parent of the ringleader in the bully group is also a governor. I'm autistic myself and am often oblivious to the politics going on around me in society like this.

Show quote history

If you're going to turn a blind eye to bullying best not do so when the child in question's granny is a senior school inspector - I would not call that "oblivious to the politics going on around me in society like this"

Dragonfly97 · 25/04/2023 18:23

I had similar with a friend. I'd just got out of an abusive relationship, and was having a moan about the guy concerned to this friend; she said "Yes, well, I knew what he was like". I was speechless, when I could speak I said "Why didn't you warn me?!" She said "Oh, you wouldn't have listened"! I bloody would have; I was happy being single but this guy pursued me/love-bombed me etc. I had no idea what he was like. My so called friend did. He could've killed me. I stupidly forgave her, but she proved she was no friend and we don't speak now. So OP, if you feel you can't forgive her for this, don't. I wish I'd ditched the friend sooner.

AllyArty · 25/04/2023 18:31

Granted, it was a difficult situation for her to find herself in. But she should’ve told you. Instead, she chose to be a bystander in the hope that maybe the problem would go away. Or that somebody else would tell you. I don’t think it’s worth ending the friendship because u obviously like her (otherwise u would not have let the friendship run on so long) and also you never know what’s around the corner. I would have a word with her and say that whilst you understand how difficult the situation she was in that, if anything like that ever happens again, could she please tell you. Keep her on side.

Mumlifeofboys · 25/04/2023 18:34

Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry this has happened to your son! I’m actually pretty gobsmacked myself that your friend chose to say nothing to you! Just unbelievable really that another parent that you don’t know has told you and a “friend” chose not to! X

AliceOlive · 25/04/2023 18:36

AllyArty · 25/04/2023 18:31

Granted, it was a difficult situation for her to find herself in. But she should’ve told you. Instead, she chose to be a bystander in the hope that maybe the problem would go away. Or that somebody else would tell you. I don’t think it’s worth ending the friendship because u obviously like her (otherwise u would not have let the friendship run on so long) and also you never know what’s around the corner. I would have a word with her and say that whilst you understand how difficult the situation she was in that, if anything like that ever happens again, could she please tell you. Keep her on side.

How is it difficult? She had her own child trying to do something about it. He was probably also quite distressed that his own mother was not doing anything.

She’s a governor and did nothing. What a useless person.

HoldTightandPretenditsaPlan · 25/04/2023 18:38

MrTiddlesTheCat · 24/04/2023 15:53

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

I know this doesn't directly answer your message, but I wanted to respond as I feel it's important. I saw that you're autistic too, as am I and I know that I have a tendancy to tone myself down so I don't cause offence (from years of being told to watch my tone)... Anyway... Please make sure you use the word complaint and do not under any circumstances use the term "raise a concern". If you raise a concern it doesn't have to be investigated but a formal complaint absolutely does... I'm so sorry your son is dealing with bullies, that you found out your friend isn't a friend and that you're dealing with an alround overwhelming and shitty situation.

Goodread1 · 25/04/2023 18:40

Tell school Governors and offsed about this...

As soon as possible

Janehowley71 · 25/04/2023 18:40

I would be inclined to think that she assumed you already knew and your son had told you about it. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt.

Unsure33 · 25/04/2023 18:43

I would concentrate on the school first , especially if the teacher knew . That’s awful .

the other parent ask them why they did not tell you before making any decisions.

Mummywarrior · 25/04/2023 18:48

Nope, no excuse. Even if she did think you knew she should have given you the info her son was giving her. I think this shows a lack of care for you and you son and I would certainly be thinking twice about being close to this woman.
i would also be considering pulling your son out of school until they deal with this horrible and very damaging situation.
Best wishes to you and your son x

Jumpingthruhoops · 25/04/2023 18:53

To all those saying 'the friend must have thought OP already knew about the bullying', I would say that, if I were the friend, suddenly hearing OP's child was being bullied, I'd be getting straight on the phone to OP to tell her - and leave it to her to tell me that she already knew... or in this case, didn't. That's what a good friend would do. All these ifs, buts and maybes are just a cop-out.

MysteryBelle · 25/04/2023 18:57

She chose to side with the powerful over the powerless.

On purpose she said nothing. Her own son did more than entire school of officials whose job it is to care for their students. Make sure you seek him and and thank him for his bravery and integrity and for trying to stand up for what’s right. He probably thought his mother would do something. He will soon learn that there are very few persons of integrity among us. He is one of them.

She sided with bully because of his powerful parent instead of with your little 6 year old son who couldn’t defend himself and was terrorized by a group of older, larger bullies.

Never forget that. Ever.

CantFindMyMarbles · 25/04/2023 19:02

I wouldn’t end the friendship but I would have a conversation and let her know how sad I was.

Sage71 · 25/04/2023 19:13

Sorry but I do not accept the ‘she assumed you knew’ excuse. If my child came home and told me a friends child in a lower year was being bullied by older children I would be calling straight away to offer support which would immediately flag it up if friend didn’t actually know. Another woman who was not a friend was able to approach you and tell you. I would want to know why she didn’t tell you and if it wasn’t really good I would be calling it a day. My first priority though would be to raise the bullying with the school. In this instance you have another adult as a witness which is a huge help. The school need to deal with this firmly and if they don’t you involve your LEA or Ofsted. I cannot bear bullying in any circumstances but older children on a younger child who is not a confident communicator through no fault of his own just sickens me.

CuriousMama · 25/04/2023 19:15

I'm furious for you and your poor little boy. I'd get the police involved. It's criminal. ☹️

Ailsamary · 25/04/2023 19:25

I'm sorry I would be angry as well, did she really think you knew when the bullying was still going on? And even then I would've asked how they both were getting on

humus · 25/04/2023 19:27

So sorry that your son and you are going through this. From your update I would say that the anger at your friend is justified as she knew, she is a governor so has a safeguarding responsibility and seems to have put having a easy life ahead of her duty to your son and the school AND her friendship to you. Her son in the other hand sounds like a much nicer person!

Aweebitpainful · 25/04/2023 19:32

I was trying to work out how I would have acted if I were your friend and I realised you didn’t know (when I thought you had). Did she apologise profusely? I would have been mortified

oosha · 25/04/2023 19:39

You must be so upset, I would be livid with her. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t have told you as soon as she found out. That’s not a friend I’m sorry.

carriedout · 25/04/2023 19:44

but friend (who I now realise is aquaintance rather than actual friend) is one of the governors. She told me yesterday that the parent of the ringleader in the bully group is also a governor. That's disgraceful - if these are governors I would report them to everyone I could and start looking for another school.

Really sorry this has happened to you and your DS.

Learningtofeminist · 25/04/2023 19:54

If my child told me another child - ANY child - at his school was being bullied, I would be straight on the phone to THE SCHOOL bloody well demanding assurances that meaningful action would be taken. If my child kept coming home saying he was still witnessing it, I’d be telling the school every damn time. Never mind wondering whether the parents knew (not all parents even have capacity to tackle an issue like this with a school but their children still deserve to be protected). Honestly, if my own child was at a school where this was allowed to continue I would definitely be looking at moving him even if he wasn’t (yet) a victim.

Anyone who fails to do this is complicit in allowing bullying to continue, and not someone I’d be very interested in spending time with.

(Obviously, I’d also tell the parents if I knew who they were. And let them know I would be an additional thorn in the school’s side as long as their child was being mistreated.)

My parents found out I was being bullied when another parent rang them to say she’d seen my class teacher deliberately turn her back when the other children started kicking me. I can only assume the posters making excuses for your ‘friend’ have no experience of bullying (but even if so, it’s not that fucking hard to work out 🙄).