to end a 10 year friendship over this?

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

She probably assumed that you knew

school governments have a safeguarding responsibility.

speak to the headteacher. Outline that the board of governors were aware that your child was being bullied.

ask what steps were being taken by the BoG to address this and why you were not informed.

ask to see the bullying policy and the legal requirements for the BoG.

don’t let this go.

I’d also remove my child OP based on your later update, after a meeting with the head reminding them of their duty of care. They wouldn’t be so bloody slow to act/totally ineffective if their Ofsted parent survey was at stake! This would be particularly damning for them from a parent of a child with additional needs. They are clearly incompetent at dealing with bullying.

I wouldn't consider her my friend, or even a friend of the family

OP, I can’t see that there’s any excuse for not bringing this up with you. I’d have wanted to know that you were aware of what’s going on.

I’m sorry you’re darling boy is being bullied and that you’re having to fight for him.

Yes you did. And that surprises me as you are obviously an excellent mum

I'm surprised your friend didn't mention it. She should have

But then, you should have known. So perhaps you can forgive your friend and yourself

As for the school. I would rip them a new one through ofsted

Wtf? How was OP supposed to know her son was being bullied until he told her?

The ‘friend’ needs to be ditched and ignored forever.

Oh OP I am sorry. Your poor boy. I would never speak to her again.

I struggle with the concept of friend v acquaintence. I've only learnt that there's a difference since joining mumsnet. I thought of this person as a friend. We chat, we get on, I invite her to social events I host and she always comes, her family have joined us for Christmas dinner several times, at school events she'll come and sit with me etc. But I've never been invited to anything hosted by her beyond kids party in the village hall. So I'm feeling a bit of mug to be honest.

Yes, it was horrendous and I felt terribly guilty. Remember OP, it is not your fault and the school should of dealt with the bullying when it first happened. They should of let you know. Your little boy will be ok because he has you to protect him.

The only thing I would say, if the school won't deal with the bullying or they are reluctant then I wouldn't hesitate with moving to another school. I hope it gets sorted and your DS will be happier and settled.

I do think there’s a huge difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Sadly it sounds like this was one sided. Did she ever invite you to anything? Anyway, now you know she isn’t a true friend. Sorry OP.

But please now focus on the school, that is what you can do for your DS. They need to be held accountable for allowing this bullying to continue when many knew about it.

OP this is awful - I'm so sorry.

Just to say, though, that I don't think you should set too much store by the friend/acquaintance distinction. If she's come to you for Christmas dinner she's definitely a friend - just either not a very good one or one who's made a big mistake.

Or, if she's been hosting others but never you, she's someone who can manipulate others to suit her agenda. None of that is your fault.

Good luck, your poor boy.

From your description it sounds like she is supposed to be a friend rather than acquaintance OP.
They've been to your house for Christmas Dinner!
I'd be really angry at her lack of support.

It sound like your son is disabled by his differences. Today is a big red flag that this school isn’t the right one for him and his current needs would be better met in a Specialist school who can help him develop his communication and social skills. NO NO NO!

The bullies are the ones at fault for bullying another child, they're the ones who need to develop their communication and especially their social skills! The school is at fault for mishandling it and not telling the OP. The school might not be right but that's because its useless, not because its not 'specialist'.

I wish people would educate themselves about autism. Autistic does not just = special school.

She’s been to the OPs house for Christmas dinner yet never invited the OP to anything other than her Kid’s party! No return invite for dinner. I think this ‘friend’ doesn’t sound very nice. Also OP said she hadn’t seen her for ages..

My point is, forget about the friend. She sounds like a rubbish friend anyway. Focus on speaking to the school.

@Delatron agree.

forget the friend, focus on your DS. Everything else is just static.

Op I’m struggling to understand why school governors are aware that bullying is taking place and doing absolutely fuck all to put a stop to it.

Your friend is a useless twat and I probably couldn’t bring myself to speak to her again.

I hope your boy is ok.

I agree. I would be changing schools based on what you’ve written and complaining to ofsted.

It is trickier for a parent who is a governor to know what is ok to say but she was in a position to ask what intervention has been taking place and if I read your posts correctly, she as a governor knew nothing was being done? That is surely a dereliction of duty if accurate.

@Jackiewoo How do you suggest I educate myself about autism? I’ve been autistic for nearly 40 years, my daughters autistic, my husband is, many members of our wider family are, I work with autistic HE students, am finishing a PHD in autism studies

Autism certainly doesn't = special school, my autistic daughter is thriving in mainstream education but this poor little lad is so anxious he hardly speaks. It does sound like needs a specialist education at this point in his life.

Selective mutism is very common in autistic children. It doesn't mean they need specialist schools. It isn't a learning disability. If he's learning fine in mainstream, then he doesn't need taken out of mainstream.

You're not a mug. I'd consider her a friend too well would have!

Shes a governor who did absolutely nothing, she needs reporting too. Surely even if she didn't tell you she'd have taken it up with the school to see how it was being dealt with?

That's her bloody role!

@h3ll0o wow that's a full house for autism experience and expertise, which makes your post even more astonishing.

A friends DC is autistic and was selective mute until 13 or so. Aced GCSE’s & A-levels is now at university and wants to be a surgeon. Would you have advised her parents to send to special school? One of my own DC is autistic, was bullied and started self harming due to it at our first primary, anxiety was off the scale. Moved to another mainstream and was fine because they had a different attitude and ethos, bullying meant sanctions and suspension. Now at an academically selective school, looks set to smash GCSE’s and has been advised to consider applying to Oxbridge when the time comes. Special school for them too yes? And these are just the ones closest to home, I know loads of them. I mean, you've got me beat in terms of your qualifications so what specialist school should these DC have been sent to at age 6?

Oh and before anyone lays into me, I’m not knocking specialist schools at all. They are bloody brilliant for DC who need all the extra support and nurturing they offer. I have a cousin who went to one, have friends who work in them or have DC in them, I have worked in many of them myself via my business and they're staffed by some of the kindest most genuine and dedicated people I've ever met. But it is simply not true that autistic DC need special school when mainstream doesn't work out, the first thing to do is see what the school is doing to support a bullied child, no?

@Jackiewoo Yes, I would definitely recommend that they’d have had a look and make an informed choice.

Im almost 40, I’ve regularly spoke in front of a hundred plus people at staff development sessions, I’ve been a regular presenter on the academic conference scene, taught whole group workshops in FE and HE etc.I’m a competent and confident public speaker yet I still experience situational mutism.

At the OPs sons age my teacher had to fetch my older sister out of class if she wanted to communicate with me as I’d only speak to my sibling. I hardly spoke until I was 16. I can still clearly remember the loneliness and anxiety that being locked in my own head caused. If I could have spend primary in a school where I was the same as my peers, where we were taught how to manage our anxiety, how to manage mutism, how to communicate effectively in a range of situations etc I’d have relished the opportunity. It would also have saved me a lot of time carrying out my own research/paying for my own therapy.

Having time out in a specialist provision doesn’t prevent a child from joining mainstream again at a later date, it simply means the child’s education is adapted to their needs at that time.

I have a university friend whose son some suffers from situational mutism and is thriving in a specialist school.I have another friend whose son is in mainstream and he’s becoming more anxious and withdrawn everyday.

Oh op I feel for you. As an autistic mum to an autistic kid who got picked on. My kid had meltdowns in response so was restrained etc. I heard from a TA one of the teachers was effectively provoking him with how she treated him then locking him in a room screaming in terror telling other adults to ignore him not reward his behaviour. The teacher was a governor. Complaining got me nowhere they closed ranks. The TA fearful for her job would not speak up. It's horrible. We just trust people are honest and just but as you say there is so much politics going on