to end a 10 year friendship over this?

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

My DS is 6 and has autism. He can talk but mostly doesn't. He goes to mainstream school.

A few weeks ago another parent approached me in the carpark and told me that she had had to intervene when passing through the playground earlier as a group of much older boys were intimidating my DS. She said he looked absolutely terrified and she thought I should know.

I talked to DS and with much coaxing I managed to get the full story out of him. These big boys have been mercilessly bullying him for months. Every single day name calling, pushing, kicking. It's horrfic and I'm so angry. Angry at the kids doing it. Angry at the school for apparently not noticing. Angry at myself.

I met up with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen for a while and I told her about DS and how awful it had all been. And she bloody well already knew. I was so stunned that it didn't really register what she was saying until I got home. Her DS is in the same class as these big boys and had been telling her all along what was happening to my little boy. But she never said anything.

Maybe it's misplaced anger, but I can't help feeling let down by her. She knew my DS was being hurt and chose to do nothing.

AIBU in thinking this crosses a line and this woman is not my friend?

That was My answer to the person Peppadog,the text which start almost every child can communicate...

I wouldn't trust this person anymore. I wouldn't stop talking altogether but I would downgrade her to an acquaintance rather than a friend.

This would bother me also, regardless of if a parent knows or not, if I find out a child is being bullied or is upset for some reason, I make a point to quietly let the parent know what's going on so they have a chance to look into it and would hope they would do the same. Would feel even worse if it was a close friend.

If I thought the parents knew I would say nothing to a friend. It is none of my business unless they raise it. I find people who quietly mention things a parent already knows are just gossips who want to know more. But then I am a private person who would rather not discuss my problems with others.

It is a Teachers’ Standard, regardless of whether it’s a mainstream setting or a special school, to differentiate for all pupils. And, it goes without saying, so is safeguarding every single child. ASD is a spectrum and children with selective mutism and ASD can and do absolutely thrive in a mainstream setting.

This is a failure of the school. The so-called friend is also no friend but the OP has since outlined the probable reason for her inaction: politics and likely the clique mentality with some (not all) PTAs and such.

I would absolutely be formally complaining. Although given the governors are also apparently ineffective at safeguarding vulnerable children, I’d also be moving my son to a different mainstream school. But I’d definitely still complain.

I have no choice but to send him to a mainstream school. Children with autism here can only go to a special school if they also have an intellectual disability and home schooling is illegal.

I won't be moving DS as the problem isn't with the school as a whole, it's a certain aspect. DS excels in class and his teachers and classmates take good care of him. The problem is at playtimes/lunch break/afterschool club when supervision is done by the afterschool club staff. They're the ones who are failing him. And worse than that, they're lying to me and to the head to cover up their failings.

The head appears to be sincere in wanting to fix it and is genuinely sad himself that it has been happening. But over the last couple of weeks he's realising that some staff are letting the team down. For example DS got pushed over in the showers after swimming. I told the head who couldn't understand as 'Linda' the TA was explicitly sent into the changing room to supervise this particular boy as they know what he's like. He spoke to Linda who said she had been in the changing room the entire time and nothing happened. The head didn't know that the showers are in a seperate room and aren't visible from the changing area, so Linda is sat on her arse doing nothing while this kid is terrorising others out of sight.

So over the last few weeks the head has been putting in place steps to stamp out these failures and as a result the last incident was 2 weeks ago. But I know I need to make sure my/granny's presence is felt so they don't slide back into bad ways.

What country are you in that has 6yos swimming with school.
That's very young to expect them to be able to get themselves properly dried and dressed.

Your anger is misplaced.

I think it's fair to assume that she thought you already knew - I mean, you should have known, because the school should have told you long ago!

Sending a not of the same sex member of staff into the boys changing room is a massive safeguarding no-no. And as for her watching the showers...?!? Absolutely no way.

Women do all kinds of care with opposite sex children. If you work with disabled children it will be mainly women giving intimate care as there are not enough men willing to do this work. If women could not do this work with boys, loads of boys would lose out on lots of activities and even schooling.

I'm surprised that any country would allow children to go swimming with school at just 6.

Expecting them to be able to shower and get themselves dried. Even for the average NT child that's a big ask.

Remember lots of counties that's the kids first year in school.

They have formal swimming lessons from when they start reception at 5. My DS started a year early so has been having lessons with school for 3 years. They go 'swimming' occasionally from when they start in the nursery at 1. The local pool has a training pool with an adjustable bottom so can be changed to just being a pool sized puddle if need be.

Homeschooling there is illegal? Wow.

My DS is ND and so is his friend. Mainstream school. My DS comes home regularly telling me things that have happened to his friend. His life must be hell, poor boy. I didn't go out of my way, but the next time I saw the Mum, I told her and offered my support. I couldn't not mention anything!
I'd be upset that your 'friend' didn't mention it.

p.s. My DS also had swimming lessons at Junior school, they had their own pool. I used to help get them ready and then dressed. It was hilarious, I couldn't help every single one so pick up time for the parents was so funny, clothes on back to front or half missing! Ah, I miss those sweet days.

So what country also has a reception year I thought thar was a uniquely English thing?

I'm in England and all the local schools here swim from reception. Why are you trying to catch the OP out? If you think she's a troll then report instead of asking stupid questions

It's not called reception. I'm using the English term because I'm posting on mumsnet and I expect most of you don't speak my language so wouldn't have a scooby if I put what it's actually called. They start in nursery when they turn 1, they go to reception the year they turn 5, and start year 1 the year they turn 6. (Unless special circumstances apply, like with my son when the autism support unit at the hospital wanted him to go to reception the year he turned 4.)

But I don't think you're really interested in that are you. I think you're trying to find some kind of 'gotcha' but I'm not sure why.

Yep, unless in extreme circumstances with the pre-approval of the board of education. They will only approve it when there is literally no other way they can deliver that education.

Thanks for the information. Whoa. Parents aren’t allowed to educate their own children (within established parameters). No choice but to obey the state curriculum in its entirety, very interesting.

Unfortunately OP, trying to catch people out, making nasty comments and being generally abusive, seems to be the only reason some people use MN

Yes. They are so transparent.

And they wonder about children bullying.
How ironic.

Just FYI I have reported. 😘

I feel for you. My son who we now know has adhd was bullied in school from around year 3-4 (ages 8/9). The difference was he was bullied by a kid who had an autism diagnosis. This kid was vicious and he knew exactly what he was doing. He used to stab my son with pencils, push him around and managed to turn his friends against him. The mother was hiding behind the autism saying that her precious son couldn’t possibly be doing all that, but he was. The amount of meetings I had with teachers and even the head was ridiculous. My son’s behaviour at school and work suffered as a result. Thankfully the other boy was moved before year 5 so my son was able to get back to normal before COVID hit.