To ask why some MNers are so against helping out families with young children?

[traytablestowed]

That really. I sense it's been done to death on here but nonetheless, I am interested to hear from retired people who don't help out with their grandchildren - why not? As a parent who has been surprised by the lack of support from my own family, I'm actually curious to hear all points of view - all comments welcome and I'm not looking for a fight here.

I get a medium amount of support from my parents. I’m in hospital right now, and they’ve been amazing helping with DD on an emergency.

But they were very clear that they wouldn’t commit to regular childcare as, after decades of work and their own kids, they want to be free and flexible. I think that’s fair enough.

DM & DF and ILS would help in an emergency but quite rightly wanted to enjoy their retirements without being tied to regularly looking after DS, which is absolutely fine.

We just did everything ourselves and paid nursery fees and holiday clubs and didn’t rely on anyone.

My in-laws are retired, live 5 minutes away and are not keen to help me and DH with our two DC much, only when we really don't have any other option they will offer the bare minimum. They're both nearing 70 and have hinted that they find it very tiring even having our DC for a few hours. They also have a lot of activities they like to do which take up quite a bit of time, and they like to holiday regularly. I get that they're not obligated to help with their grandchildren but it does cheese me off a bit when we hear about all the help they had from their parents when my DH was young!

I'm more interested to know why you think that retired people should? I mean, it may be nice if they want to or can, but they have spent decades working and raising children etc - why do you think that now they are not working they would want to spend their last years raising more children? What I find fascinating is the vitriol reserved around this site for grandparents and great-grandparents who are too "selfish" to provide full time free childcare on demand because the children they brought up expect it. But woe betide them if they get too ill to manage, because then they will be shuffled off to the care home, providing that they've made out a will leaving everything to the kids first.

My mum helps out loads just as her parents did when I was young. My MIL does as well.

My husband and I were actually discussing this the other day and wondering why some families are like ours and others so different.

There's no answer really just different perspectives and attitudes. God willing I will help out my kids anyway I can if I'm ever a grandparent.

I never had any, from either side. I wouldn't have expected any either, even if we hadn't deliberately moved 700km from the closest family, lol! I wouldn't have expected it, and wouldn't have asked, because then I would be 1. disappointed, and/or 2. Held to be forever in their debt.

I was very lucky, my DH is as focussed on our family, as I was, and very supportive and capable.

If our children have children, then I hope they would want us involved, and would very much want to help out - but not to be taken for granted as childcare etc.

Dh and I met late in life ( 55) , now mid 60s. All dcs adults.
Dh has 3 gc. We don't do childcare apart from having the eldest for a few hours in the school holidays. It isn't what we want to do....we lead very busy lives. Plus we aren't sick of each other like some people are who've been married 30 years...so gc are a welcome distraction.
We live about 30 mins from gc...they come over as a family for lunch every couple of months.
I'm really not very interested in babies or toddlers 😀
Been there, done that.

They’re retired & want a life of their own, if they’d wanted to continue working they would’ve done. So many people live their lives through their kids & grandkids, & bore you to death with with it all 🥱

Not a grandparent but I am a parent paying an extortionate amount for nursery. Our families don’t actually live close enough to help but if they did, I wouldn’t expect them to look after DD. My dad has recently retired but after years of working he’s enjoying not being tied down, being able to travel when he wants, do the projects he wants when he wants. Whilst he would probably enjoy doing grandad things, I think he would see DD as a job, as a commitment which he just doesn’t want now.

Looking forward, if my DD has a child I won’t be in a hurry to look after them. I feel like my DD benefits greatly from the experiences at nursery and I just don’t have the inclination, energy or creativeness to come up with all the activities she does. Maybe I’ll be in a position to support DD if she decides to have children but realistically I don’t think I can provide the type of enrichment that nursery can. I also knew I never wanted to be a SAHM because I wouldn’t enjoy it, if I am retired and DD has children then I can’t see suddenly enjoying that life.

But I don't really think they should, I guess I'm just surprised that so many... don't seem to want to? I spent a lot of time with my GPs growing up and I loved it (I assumed they loved it to, but in hindsight - maybe not ). My parents and ILs benefitted from this family support. Why would they not want to do the same for their grown up children and their own grandchildren?

I have looked after my own children, both sets of elderly parents and the pets left behind when DC left home.

My days of responsibility and caring are done. I've retired to have a bit of me time before it's too late.

I will always help out, I'll happily provide overnight stays, facilitate date nights, cover sickness, whatever

But I won't be relied upon to do anything routine.

Well I do help out with dgs and do childcare when he's not in pre school so that dd can work. If dd's circumstances had been different (partner left her when pregnant with child they planned and has never seen dgs) then my preference would have been not to do childcare. It's tiring, limiting and boring and I feel like my days of wrangling pre schoolers are well gone but I won't let dd struggle. She is well aware that this is a one off offer and if she has more then I won't be doing it again.

Btw, there is a big difference in my mind between childcare as in looking after children every week so both parents can work (I can absolutely understand GP not wanting to commit to this) and GP just helping out eg. A couple of hours at the weekend, babysitting every so often etc etc - but some GP seem reluctant to do either?

My youngest is 18, and due to MH issues still needs considerable support.
My eldest is married. It is quite possible she could have a baby before my youngest is fully independent.
I want to have the freedom to go on holidays / short breaks as and when with DH, and frankly I could do with a break now which I'm not getting due to youngest.
So I feel we will help ad hoc but not commit to a day a week, even if that means us contributing to nursery fees instead.

i think there's a huge difference between 'helping out' and providing full time child care.
Baby sitting, weekends, helping out in school holidays, occasional pick ups from school or covering sickness is one thing.
Providing full time childcare is another. i know some grandparents do this willingly but it shouldn't be expected.

Why should they? It’s their choice. They might want to enjoy their freedom

Did your DPs parents help you out when his DCs were little?

No. All our parents dead before children.

I was in Morrisons cafe earlier and there were loads of what looked like Grannies in with their toddler GDCs having milkshakes and buns and I must admit I am looking forward to if/when I become a grandma.

My mum helped me A LOT and I would've find it very difficult without her so I will pay it forward if and when my own children procreate.

I think it depends on family traditions / values to be honest. My gran helped my mum, my mum helps me, when the time comes I'll help mine.
When my gran got too old to take care of herself, we took her in, would never dream of sending her to a home. I'd take my mum in too.
Family support is very important in our family, whatever stage of life you're in. My husbands less so, but still happy to babysit etc.

My parents saw too many friends who were absolutely exhausted by the childcare they were providing, and so made it clear they weren't going to be doing that. However they did jump on a train several times to enable my sister to work when her kids were ill (we had flexible enough work that we didn't need that help).

They did their bit as parents, really. They brought four of us up with no family support - all grandparents died before their third child was born, and they'd been the other end of the country anyway. They didn't get a weekend away without us for 17 years, and I'm struggling to think of a time when they went out for the evening. I think after over 25 years of putting us first, they're entitled to have their time to themselves in retirement.

I met a lot of grandparents doing childcare when I ran a toddler group (they appreciated having somewhere to take them); I worried about one couple who were a bit older and looking after two toddlers - it was a lot for them, even doing just one day a week.

Interesting comment. I wonder if people more often having elderly parents to look after is part of this - because they feel done in by caring by the time their GC arrive.
I hadn't considered this but maybe explains my own parents hands-off approach

I am probably a lot older than you, but "retirement" in days gone by really didn't have much going for it (for working class people anyway) - no pensions to speak of, no vast savings, no equity on properties that were probably rented anyway, and you just didn't see the amount of activities for the "silver set" as you do now. A coach trip to a dicey hotel in Blackppol for the weekwas about all you could look forward to!

That said, my beloved paternal grandmother died when I was 4 due to being worn out through back-breaking work in the factories as a widow (her husband died young leaving her with four children); and my maternal grandmother wouldn't have lifted a finger for anyone anyway, but under no circumstances would I have wanted the bitch in my life anyway.

But from a working class perspective based on my own experience, we are one of the first generations (I am 65) that have other options than sitting at home vegetating in our later years. Bear in mind that many of our mothers (like mine) didn't work - many places wouldn't even employ mothers - and so for many years, if not all of their lives, they were defined by parenting and little else. If that is all you have known and there is not much else to do....

My parents are hypochondriacs (covid didn't help) and they're also triggered by DD being ill. Not in the emetophobic sense, but they somehow can't handle seeing GC with a cough or fever because it worries them and it makes them emotionally upset. So whenever she's ill, which is frequent with nursery, there's no hope of getting help. It's also linked to a fear of catching something themselves and I feel they're trying to avoid DD when she's small because kids are so germy and unpredictable. Hoping that things improve once she's older :(

I think this is one of those cases where you shouldn't judge til you've been there.

It's so easy to say "oh I'm sure I would want to" but I have no earthly idea how I will actually feel when I'm 60 or 70.