To ask why some MNers are so against helping out families with young children?

[traytablestowed]

That really. I sense it's been done to death on here but nonetheless, I am interested to hear from retired people who don't help out with their grandchildren - why not? As a parent who has been surprised by the lack of support from my own family, I'm actually curious to hear all points of view - all comments welcome and I'm not looking for a fight here.

Like PPs I think there's a huge difference between committing to a regular childcare pattern and spending time with grandchildren in other ways. My parents, who live nearby, told me that they wouldn't be prepared to do regular childcare and looked so relieved when I told them that it hadn't crossed our minds that they would. They're enjoying their retirement and having to look after our children even once a week would curtail their freedom to just go away for a few days. But they have the children for sleepovers in the holidays, we spend time together at weekends, and every now and then they'll do a school pick up. They have such a good relationship with them. That's the kind of helping out that I hope to be able to offer if I'm ever a grandparent.

With the greatest of respect, I'm not suggesting that you in your specific situation should help out your children. I'm just interested to know the reasons why retired people in general might not.
I tried to keep it general in my OP, but it is personal to me obviously - my parents are not helping out, and they don't have reasons like the ones you have listed, so I'm wanting to understand more about their point of view.

That's a rosy tinted view of India!

If your parents / grandparents can afford it, then you farm out childcare to the ayahs. British rule may have ended, but the class system is still going strong. Nannies are a way of life for those that can afford them, and a status symbol - so childcare isn't, as it so often is in Britain, tied to needing two wages so much as perhaps wanting two wages, a woman being a professional in her own right, or even, not wanting the burden of childcare herself. Ayahs are cheap - a well qualified and experienced nanny is less than £100 per month. Hiring a local woman with a good reputation, much less than that!

Current research says that dementia rates in over 60's is slightly higher than the UK, and a little lower than the USA - so clearly continuing childcare doesn't make you more or less likely to contract dementia. https://www.fic.nih.gov/News/GlobalHealthMatters/march-april-2023/Pages/new-estimate-dementia-prevalence-magnitude-india-challenge.aspx

Other things that are very normal in India are malaria, TB, pneumonia, IHD and other heart diseases, extreme malnutrition, poverty and living in slums, and an infant mortality rate of 26.619 per 1000 births (the UK is 3.7).

And the main reason that grandparents (mostly grandmothers) look after their grandchildren is so that youger adults in the family can both go to work to support the entire family including the grandparents because millions have no pensions, no savings, no homes, no healthcare - and nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.

Something like 27% of Indias population live in extreme poverty and hunger - living on less than £1.60 per day and 60% of the population live on less than £2.50 per day. One even more stark figure - the welath possessed by the richest 16 Indians is equal to the total amount of wealth of the 600 MILLION lowest income people.

That doesn't include the father of a certain PM's wife, who with a mere value of £4.3billion only managed to get to number 41 on the list.

I’m in my early 60’s would love to be a grandma and help out for say a couple of days a week.
Unfortunately I had my children later on in life and now they live 100 miles away. So if I do become a grandma in say 10 years time, I don’t think I will have the stamina to be driving up the motorway on a regular basis.
My friend and her husband are both 62 retired and in good health, but still find looking after their two grandchildren one day per week exhausting. You don’t understand when you are younger how tired you become.

Indeed. Well explained.

My parents had my DC a lot. Took them over nights at the weekends and away on long holidays.

I'm hoping I'll be able to do the same when my DGS is old enough and if that's what the parents want.

I understand not wanting to be tied to a regular childcare arrangement. Don’t understand those who have zero interest in any independent time with grandkids if no health issues etc. I’d find that upsetting tbh.

or those who happily used their own parents as childcare but offer zero help now they have their own grandchildren.

I think this is the result of having kids later in life to be honest rather than an issue with the grandparents and their timeframes
This is definitely a factor for some people, as is geographical mobility. I don't have many friends who live in the same county as their parents, never mind close enough for them to have provided even semi regular childcare. And now our children are growing up and going elsewhere to study and work too. I already have one who lives and works 400 miles away and another who is at University 300 miles away in the opposite direction. I don't expect the youngest to hang around either.
I grew up in a small Northern mining town where most of my friends had grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and even great grandparents within walking distance. Most of their families had lived locally for several generations and they had a lot of interaction with each other. Our family was very unusual in having moved there from elsewhere and not having a network of relatives in the immediate area. I think there are far fewer places like that nowadays. With many more young people going away to University there is a lot more mobility and young adults are far less likely to live close to relatives. Which is fine of course, but you can't have it both ways.

Seems like it's the women doing all the helping

I can't help but wonder if our older relatives would fare better, generally speaking, if we took them in before they got to that point.

This shows a fundamental misunderstanding of dementia, which is a progressive disease. My granny had it. She was forgetful and repetitive for many years before she became violent, angry and prone to wandering off. One night, after my grandad had seen her safely into bed and locked the doors for the night, she got up, unlocked the front door and wandered out onto the main road in front of their house in her nightdress. On another occasion, she wandered off during the day and was found by a neighbour. She then accused my grandad of attacking her. In fact, she had attacked him and he had the bruises to prove it. Unfortunately, a loving spouse or family can't 'love someone better' when they have dementia and caring for someone like that 24 hours a day is a full-time job that is beyond the capabilities of many loving family members. Suggesting otherwise is really unkind.

To ask why some MNers are so against helping out families with young children?

Your thread title is annoying - it suggests that people who feel specifically that grandparents shouldn't feel obliged to provide childcare, are generally against 'helping out families with young children' which might not be the case - they might be very much in favour of other types of help and support.

I also wonder if the increasing numbers of step parents have an effect too. Eg a grandparent couple where only one of them is the biological parent & maybe the step parent is less invested in helping out? Obviously not always going to be the case but I have definitely seen this.

I'll be the asshole grandpa and just say it...I love being involved, but it is going to be on my terms.

I will babysit, do days out, do an overnight but I will not be tied to regular childcare every week. I am looking forward to retirement and doing all the things I want to do without being tied down to a job...or childminding. I have seen too many older people in my family age before their time trying to run after small children all day, week in, week our. Not a HOPE will I be doing that.

Oh yeah good point - sorry I meant specifically helping out with their own physical GC, and with time rather than money.

It's complex surely.

Partly I can imagine that it's a somewhat open ended commitment. You look after your first grandchild, and then another comes along a few years later, now you are committed to looking after 2, or the "endgame" of the child going to school and you maybe switching to afterschool help instead of all day has now been extended. Then another one of your kids has children, and you feel obliged to offer the same as you did for the first grandchild, or risk being accused of being unfair.You start at 55, but at 60 you will feel differently - 5 years can be a long time at my age.

I don't have grandchildren, and my kids live far enough away that I couldn't offer regular help, but my plan would be to pay for some nursery care if my son and DIL wanted, as I can't give my time. I can do that because I have a well-paid job, and that option isn't always available.

My mum has looked after my brothers 2 children since babies . She’s in her 70snow. And they are 9 and 12. She is exhausted but has always felts a duty to offer, including sleepovers. I feel sorry for her .

OP, it's difficult to say why your child's grandparents don't 'help out' because you've not given any details of your/their circumstances but here's a few possibilities...

Tiredness. As your parents are retired they're likely 55+. You might see them energetically enjoying their retirement but, believe me, that's completely different from caring for children, which is exhausting.

They don't really enjoy being around children - it was harder for women to stay childfree in the past, now they are relieved not to be responsible for any children.

They don't understand/like the way you parent and are worried you'll be critical of how they look after your child.

They're worried that if they offer once then you'll ask them too often.

They've not been asked.

My PIL lived an hour away so help was limited and we played second fiddle to SIL and her DC anyway.
My DM lived ten minutes away and would help ad hoc when asked (usually when DC were in bed), but never on a regular basis and never a sleepover in 13 years.
She loved them but just didn't seem to enjoy the company of young DC. She would rather be shopping or on holiday. Tbh I kind of get it. I don't want to be doing the school run in my retirement either. I see too many beleaguered GP pushing prams and looking thoroughly miserable.
We too spent many thousands on childcare but are now beholden to no one.
The elders can pay for any care they need just as we had to. Then we all know where we stand.

I never understand why parents seem to think that anybody other than them is responsible for raising their kids.

My parents have both passed now but I would never have expected them to provide regular childcare for the children I decided to have.

They did their time raising my siblings and I and deserved to enjoy their lives - sadly they never reached retirement.

Whilst I’m not quite grandparent age, I do have a large age gap between my eldest and youngest children and running around after a toddler is a lot harder the older you get.

If dgc come along for me, I’ll happily be available for occasional childcare. But my role will be grandma, not a nursery worker or surrogate parent.

also my daughter knows full well that we practice what I call POLaR Grandparenting. Path Of Least Resistance and if she doesn't like it, well then fine.

So true! On a recent thread a mother of an 8 month old was beside herself because the grandmother had picked up the child from his crib when he woke from his nap. The parents had a rule that only they could "greet" the child when he woke because he'd be shocked to see some else's face🙄

As a parent if you're going to have a laundry list of unreasonable rules and restrictions then there's a fair chance the grandparents are going to give up on trying to be involved on a regular basis.

😂Definitely POLARing.

You know what really gets my wick? When a mother and grandmother has given her all and her everything to her child and grandchildren, and once she's no longer needed or wanted, is shoved out, treated with contempt and abuse, and gaslit and stonewalled.

DH and I will happily help DD when/if she has kids. It's what families are for.

I’m mid sixties and recently retired, Ds getting married end of next year and currently lives abroad with no plans to return to the Uk for several years.

I know they would like children and hopefully that will happen but I will probably be early 70’s by then. I’ve spent the last few years looking after my own elderly parents who lived 200 miles away , I was still working and had cancer treatment so it was very tough and has frankly left me exhausted.

I would be happy to help out if they end up living near enough but I think some people don’t realise how much your energy levels dip when you’re older even if you’re still relatively healthy. We had no family support so I know how hard that is but I don’t think grandparents should feel obliged to help, there may be many reasons they feel unable to. If circumstance dictate that I was unable to physically offer help I would definitely offer financial support as this is something I can do. If I can do both I will as I think young families have it harder than we did .