To ask why some MNers are so against helping out families with young children?

[traytablestowed]

That really. I sense it's been done to death on here but nonetheless, I am interested to hear from retired people who don't help out with their grandchildren - why not? As a parent who has been surprised by the lack of support from my own family, I'm actually curious to hear all points of view - all comments welcome and I'm not looking for a fight here.

Yep.

At 66 and 67, with a DC of 23, it's likely to be at least eight or 10 years before we are faced with a request for childcare. I hope we are well enough to be able to help out with some babysitting or sleepovers, but it seems optimistic to think we'd be up for wranging toddlers for more than a few hours.

What you haven’t factored in, is how people feel physically as they age. You’re looking at it from the perspective of someone who is younger. I know that young parents mostly work full time and juggle that and child care and I was someone who was determined to help out with future grandchildren, when I was a young mother and always busy.

When people are retired, especially these days, they’re generally less agile, less energetic and tire more quickly, even those who are in reasonable health.

Theres no way I could look after young children now, but my grandchildren are older, so I don’t need to. When they were small I was still working full time, but babysat, did overnight and weekends. Later, I collected from school, did more weekends and holidays. I absolutely couldn’t do it now.

It creeps up on you, this aging thing and you just can’t whizz round like you used to. But you won’t know that when you’re young, because it hasn’t happened. Maybe retired people want to just potter, visit places, even laze around, whilst they still are able to get out and about. It isn’t often that they don’t care deeply about the grandchildren. They just can’t commit to a regular care role.

We help out a couple of days a week, one day per set of grandkids. We also help out extra when the grandkids are ill or parents want a night out etc.
I think when you have children, this means you will help them as much as possible throughout their lives. This includes helping with their children.
We enjoy it and we love our grandchildren.
BUT
It is quite tiring and we can’t go on as many holidays as we would like.
The grandkids also go to school and nursery where they pick up numerous bugs which they kindly give to us!

Apart loving our grandkids we have great relationships with our kids and their spouses. I don’t think it would be the same if we didn’t help out.
All my friends help out with their grandkids so it is normal for me and my friends understand if I have to cancel at short notice.
I don’t understand people who retire and then get a pet to give more time to than their grandkids.

I wonder how old the OP is? I presume since you may have young children you may be in your 20s or 30s?

I don't want to be the old crone at the feast but I am amazed at how much your fitness and stamina decreases around the perimenopause and beyond.
I have two DC and had no parental support at all (they would have loved to, they just lived too far away, and then had poor health).

I took it in my stride as someone in her early 30s. But I don't think I could physically manage as well now that I am a lot older. And I run three times a week and dog walk at least an hour and a half every day.

OK, so I have to get up early with teens, and we live a very full life, but my goodness, my joints hurt sometimes, and I find myself nodding off if I sit still in a comfy seat for more than 5 mins. The thought of looking after small children fills me with dread.

Basically, I reckon you have to recognize that you may not feel as capable 30 years down the line.

We have brought up our children without constant help from gps. From what I hear from other parents it often causes friction and blurred boundaries anyway.

Also when I retire I don't plan to be an unpaid childminder for my grandkids. I want to travel and enjoy my retirement

I am only 51 and feel quite tired these days, despite not being overweight or inactive. Also not just the physical labour, it's the emotional labour I can;t be bothered to do any more.

We don’t have support day to day. 5 kids- we have had one childless night since we started our family (our wedding night). My sister and auntie are very good at taking one or two kids out on day trips now and again- softplay or similar. We don’t have any support for us to work or anything like that. I’m an emergency or when I’ve been in labour etc I’ve always been able to get childcare. I feel as if nobody minds helping when we have had to ask- as it’s so rare we do ask

For work- we work opposite each other. We don’t really do date nights- we just had our first anniversary and just waited til kids were in bed to have a nice dinner at home.

I’ve never seen it as anyone’s responsibility except ours to look after our kids so I don’t feel like family is letting us down or anything.

A factor in many decisions is surely the age of parents and GPs when the grandchildren come along.
My mum was a big help to my elder sibling, who had her kids in her twenties, when my mum was 50s; she was less able to help my younger sibling with her second family , by which point my mum was in her 70s and more readily tired.

I think sometimes we forget that the average age for first time motherhood has gone up in recent years, so average age for GPs is also, presumably, higher.

Either way, I have no kids and am not retired, but am happy to help my siblings and nieces with their kids, ad hoc.

MIL was like a second mum to the first GC, BIL1's child, now in their 20s. Then she did regular after school care for BIL2's children, now in their teens. Then she cared for my late FIL, until he died, and now she has BIL2's dog 5 days a week while he works. She's never offered any help with our DC (Primary age) and I wouldn't ask. I imagine she's done looking after human beings.

It's true there are some circumstances where that isn't suitable.
Although I think it is interesting to look at places like India, where this is very normal and dementia at the level that is common here is very rare there. It is very common for a rapid decline when they enter homes too.
I can't help but wonder if our older relatives would fare better, generally speaking, if we took them in before they got to that point. Of course they may not want to, want to live in their own homes, don't want to admit struggling etc

When do women get to put their feet up?

It's usually women.

I know the question is about grandparents but actually I think you mean Grandmothers. I hardly ever see a GF alone with small kids but many GMs - daily managing tots on the bus. Fortunately my adult DC don't want children so I won't be called upon to spend my old age wrangling toddlers. Women are so often expected to do the bulk of childcare for their own children and then step up again for their GC. I know some people like it but I have better things to do. And before someone asks - I had no help as a mum.

I am nearly 60 and I know for sure that I wouldn’t have the energy to provide regular and frequent childcare - it was tiring bringing up my three dses, and I was younger then, and had energy. Now I’m much older and far more knackered - and have long Covid - so it would be completely beyond me.

Dh and I will help out where we can but there is only so much either of us can do.

Well FIL is dead so there's not much he can contribute! Looking after the dog is up to MIL. Not actually sure why this question was directed at me?

For many people the arrival of grandchildren coincides with elderly parents needing care. I know this is true of many friends who are torn between.
In my case my mother offered to have DC while I worked but I said no, the commitment would be too great and I wanted them to enjoy having their grandchildren not feel it was a job. MIL was elderly and 40 miles away.
My DM ended up stepping in a lot in the first few years when children were too sick for school or nursery.
My DC are in their 20s now and grandchildren not on the horizon. One of the few downsides of having a child at 40 means you might be elderly when GC arrive,

Some people wouldnt have kids if they had their time over so there will be grandparents in that camp.

I dont expect regular support but I know they are there in an emergency and will do sleepovers or sitting. But I'd ask for that maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

When you get older your life moves on, your house becomes less child friendly and kids sound louder and you dont have the same feeling of being able to tell grandkids off in the same way you probably do your own kids on your own house in your own routine so its probably quite stressful.

I'm 52 and when I retire, I'm going travelling! There's no way I would be held up in U.K. looking after children regularly, not even my own grandkids

Why on earth would anyone go into parenting thinking their parents are going to help out? I've moved out, I've my own life, I certainly wouldn't consult them on my decision to have kids. So flip it, why would they?

That's an interesting idea which bears further study, I think, but I'm fairly firmly convinced that Alzheimers at least is largely genetic. It's known to run very strongly in families (including mine). And India has a much lower life expectancy than the UK, which may also be a factor.

I do think we need to be careful of reinforcing the stigma around "putting Grandma in a home", when sometimes that is the safest/only practicable option for the benefit of Grandma and everyone else.

Not directed at you! I just think it's always women who do the work. I mostly see grandmothers out and about with young ones, not grandpas. In your case no other choice, but overall childcare and eldercare is women's work.

I will be looking after my mum as well, so have told DC not to have kids if they cant; manage on their own most of the time.

I’ll be well into my 60s by the time grandchildren come along. While I’ll want to offer practical support it’s likely I’ll still be working and wouldn’t want to commit to regular childcare on top of working life. I know I’ll be slowing down by then and wouldn’t want to commit to however many years of school run etc not least because I may not be fit for it.

I'm early 50s now, I do worry if I become a GP again in 10 or so years time that I won't be able to be as much help as I have been with the first one, but I'll worry about that when / if it comes.

My parents have DS like my gran had me, my MIL on the other hand looks after her mother more than DS. My parents love having DS and they are so close, it doesn't interfere with their life as if they can't have him they just speak up and we have to sort something else. I couldn't have had the career I have if my mam hadn't helped out and it was them same for her 30 years ago.

We had DS young so won't be in a position to retire when grandkids come along but will pay at least half of GC nursery fees instead.

I've been working for the last 40 years and still have another 10 to go. My joints creak, any cold /flu type virus I catch knocks me for six, far more so than in my younger days, and I care for a relative who lives with us, is in their nineties and has ongoing serious health issues. It's enough, thanks.