To ask why some MNers are so against helping out families with young children?

[traytablestowed]

That really. I sense it's been done to death on here but nonetheless, I am interested to hear from retired people who don't help out with their grandchildren - why not? As a parent who has been surprised by the lack of support from my own family, I'm actually curious to hear all points of view - all comments welcome and I'm not looking for a fight here.

But I don't really think they should, I guess I'm just surprised that so many... don't seem to want to? I spent a lot of time with my GPs growing up and I loved it (I assumed they loved it to, but in hindsight - maybe not ).

It depends on whether people enjoy looking after children, really. Look how many posts there are from people who say they hate being a parent or don't enjoy it. On the other hand there are people who love being parents. If you don't enjoy parenting, there's not really much choice but get on with it - grandparents get the option!

@DesolationRow sounds like you have got the balance right are are now being rewarded with a good relationship with your older grandchildren.

My MIL has put in the time over the years with our DC and their cousins and is much loved by them all. She lives a few hours from us but talks to the kids regularly on skype and when she visits she plays board games or knits or does cooking with them but we don't rely on her for childcare so she can go and have a snooze all afternoon if she wants. But the kids are getting wonderful memories having her visiting for a few weeks at a time.

I think somewhere what's getting lost in translation is that not wanting to commit to a permanent pattern isn't the same as being available for emergencies, and also for having fun times with grandchildren.

I've absolutely treasured the time I spent with mine at weekends, sometimes having all five of them for sleepovers together. We did crafting, I taught them to use computers, swimming, making little films and for me it was magical to be able to spend this time with them.

I also know people in their 70s who are looking after under 5s and they are absolutely exhausted.

As a child I had two grandma's. One I never got to know because she didn't look after us once, and another who had open house. I have very fond memories of my open house grandma, she made memories with us but she also didn't do regular childcare (although my parents both worked full time in the 60s and 70s).

I'd really like to hear what @traytablestowed actually means. Do you have the kind of support I gave, or do your parents have nothing at all to do with your children?

both sets of GP's live abroad.

I also take your point about expecting it to be the same as you saw when you were growing up. I can see where you're coming from with that.

I find the attitude on here weird, it could be cultural as my parents are immigrants & it's normal to help with gc likewise it's normal for us to help them. Having said that I know lots of people who get help in RL. Obviously if a gp is far away, has ill health or still works then they are restricted but if those things don't apply I don't get it.

We live too far from grandparents but I can think of lots of reasons, especially as a regular thing, why grandparents might not want to do child care.

1. Loss of strength/balance making nervous at picking child up
2. Not having a childproof home
3. Demands from children about how they do things
4. Lack of confidence with more recent ideas
5. Exhaustion/other medical factors
6. Wanting not to be tied down now they don't have to be
7. Wanting to be a grandparent not a substitute parent
8. other commitments

I could go on.

I'm talking about the sort of support you have given. My DD is in nursery whilst DH and I work ft, we're fine with that. Would love the odd weekend with DD out of the house so we could go for lunch together or even just clean the house!!

It’s only on MN that I have heard of Grandparents being disinterested/ not helping out.

Ah, got you. If in the future, I were near to my GC, I would certainly take them, so parents could have a lunch out.

I can't do any more fucking softplay though in this lifetime!

One thing that is somewhat of a struggle as a grand parent today is just how different things are from even when I was a parent, much less when I was a kid. Parenting is so different today with so many activities, schedules, routines, parenting philosophies, not to mention so much material crap. Just the other weekend, had my three year old granddaughter over for the whole weekend, and we had to make three trips to unload all the crap from the SUV just for a weekend.

That said, we live far enough away that us providing routine day to day childcare is not possible, also my daughter knows full well that we practice what I call POLaR Grandparenting. Path Of Least Resistance and if she doesn't like it, well then fine. If my granddaughter wants to stay up late and watch TV and eat ice cream with me, then that's what we're going to do. If she want's biscuits for breakfast, then that's what she's going to have.

No way in hell do I want to be a parent again. I never really had the opportunity to be a Disney Dad, but by god, I'm going to be a Disney Grandpa.

My DM had loads of help with us from my grandmother. Now she refuses to help at all with my DC - not even when I was in labour with my second child. Unfortunately my in-laws are the same.

I genuinely don't understand how you could look at your own children struggling and not want to help in any way. Especially when you had help yourself!

why do you think that now they are not working they would want to spend their last years raising more children?

My parents/in-laws would be aghast if they weren't involved in their gcs lives.

@traytablestowed I have three kids

Which one should I live close enough to?

I would never expect my parents to provide f/t childcare though.

I love this POLaR 😂 I wish I could apply this principle as a parent sometimes!! Unfortunately my DD's memory for treats is flawless and we'd be on ice cream at bedtime for the rest of time haha

Who knows OP.

The irony is when you get a poster at the end of their tether with exhaustion from small children every response says ‘can you ask a family member to take them for a few hours?’

I mean, I honestly have no idea. That is clearly a valid reason for not helping out. Do your children feel upset about it? I'd imagine not?

I had my kids reasonably young slide (age 25-30) and really hoping it they have kids age 25-40 (so I'd be age 50-70 at start) that I would want to help out

Do others want to help out and get unwell / tired so they can't or do a lot of people just never want to?

Found it so tough having no childcare from GP except one weekend a year that keen to change it and be the hands on loving GP mine didn't have.

Eg thinking of offering 1 day a week for good and more in school hols type thing, obv depending how many GC/ location. But would travel I think for 1 day a week

I think this is the result of having kids later in life to be honest rather than an issue with the grandparents and their timeframes

Judging by countless threads on MN, many of today's young children are handed to grandparents with so many rules and strings attached that I'm not surprised the grandparents are reluctant to help..

Personally, I do help out a lot with my young DGC.
Im lucky in that they only come with a short list of commonsense rules, and on of my dils told me quite recently that she trusts me totally to look after them without consulting her on every little thing. Even so, and as much as I love them, being responsible for them is still very, very hard work, exhausting both mentally and physically, far harder in many ways than raising my own children was. I am only in my early 60s, but I don't have the stamina that I had in my twenties when my own children were young.
I can very much understand why many grandparents would rather just have contact with the parents there too, rather than sole responsibility even for a short time.

But your question is that parents don't help enough

I work. Full time. I'm in a high pressure job with associated high earnings. My kids benefit from that.

I am caring for an elderly relative where I live. None of my kids are within 90 minutes of me.

I spent my young adult years caring for a granny and a grandpa while I had young children.

I then cared for my parent

Who do I let down?

Why should my kids expect more than an odd evening of babysitting when we are visiting one another?

Not everyone lives close to family

Parents of adult children are much more likely to be working than my parents generation.

My granny never worked. She cared for us for money but she didn't work a full time job.

Why am I expected to do a full time job and then care for elderly family and grandchildren?

As I said above, I'm likely to be about 75 before DC presents any GC. I was almost 44 when the one and only was born. In contrast, when I arrived my mum was 21, and the grandparents were in their early-mid 40s. Both my DM and DPIL helped out by coming to visit (all of them lived 200+ miles away) to give us a weekend away when our child was small, or to supervise during the early teen years.

DIL works 13 hour shifts, days and nights, it's a lot. I do my best but would rather do it for pleasure and not necessity