To ask why some MNers are so against helping out families with young children?

[traytablestowed]

That really. I sense it's been done to death on here but nonetheless, I am interested to hear from retired people who don't help out with their grandchildren - why not? As a parent who has been surprised by the lack of support from my own family, I'm actually curious to hear all points of view - all comments welcome and I'm not looking for a fight here.

@Quveas that makes sense. It's less about "not wanting to help" and more about "other stuff to be doing".

When I had my Dc my parents worked full time and had a teenager at home they couldn't look after kids on a regular basis they were busy.

I had a retired aunt who's life had to revolve around 3 grand children because she felt it was her duty to "help out" my aunt was exhausted her child didn't see that or If they did see it couldn't give a shit, it was difficult to watch that play out and the boundary was a bit blurred on who the actual parents were.

I don't have grandchildren yet and of course when or if I do I will support my dc with them but I don't think I should be expected to provide childcare on a regular basis.

I think this is also a fair point. Becoming a grandparent in your 60s or 70s is different to becoming one in your 40s or 50s.

Even though it sucks for you, actually this attitude is highly relatable 😂 just seen a picture uploaded by my DD's nursery and she has yet another runny nose. Hope it does improve for you when she gets older though. I'm hoping my parents will offer more help when mine is older too, often wonder if it's a confidence thing because she's still so little and demanding

I'm 60. Hopefully I will retire soon.

I want to spend my remaining days enjoying myself, travelling, being spontaneous, seeing my friends, having fun.

Not changing nappies on someone else's child. I'm a full time working single mum, raised mine totally alone and with no family help.

Happy to babysit in an emergency, for just about anyone, but nothing regular.

I see married couples moaning about this. Just take it in turns or learn to enjoy spending time with THEIR children, like I did.

I would like to think I could help but I won’t ever be a really young Grandmother. I will be over 60 if it happens. My sister was a Grandmother at 39 and helped a lot.

I looked after my friends toddler last year for an entire day as her childcare arrangements fell through. I was absolutely knackered. I can walk miles, stay up late, do gardening but the sort of stress of watching such a small precious thing is draining.

I am also hoping that when DH retires we will get some quality time together, his work life balance has always been poor due to overseas travelling requirements for 25 years due to his career though more is done online since the pandemic.

Yeah this is fair

I'd help with occasional babysitting and in emergencies, but I would not commit to regular childcare. I am tired. And I don't want to be tied down any more. Going to use my remaining healthy years to travel and do as I please.

I had pretty much no help when my kids were little, but now I'm a GP (and still working) I do everything I can to help out. DS & his partner are young and there are health issues so I really want them to enjoy their youth in a way I didn't get to.

That said I'm knackered a lot of the time and the more I help, the more they ask for more help, so sometimes I have to woman up and say no!

I had no help on a regular basis, didn't live near family. I don't see why those who happen to live near their grandchildren should be expected to help beyond emergencies and the occasional babysitting (a handful of times a year)

That said my dd is already tapping me up for babysitting despite it not being on the cards for a while yet

I don’t have kids but my siblings do. My mother isn’t involved in helping out or spending much time with her grandsons at all.

Quite simply, she just isn’t interested, and has said to me that she just doesn’t like small kids very much.

Fair enough I suppose. Kudos to her, she’s honest about it!

My parents have three children and between us we have seven children with an age range of 3 to 21. They have helped out a lot but they had to put aside 20-odd years to do it, after bringing us up as well, I think that kind of limits the amount of help one might be inclined to give (they have gone above and beyond but I do not think it should be expected.)

The thing is, most people in my circle live a couple of hundred miles away from grandparents. People move around - that's normal. Not to mention all the things already mentioned. If you can't look after your children yourself, or using paid childcare, then don't have them! My husband had a very full on job, plus we had no relatives nearby, so that definitely contributed to the decision that children were a luxury (and responsibility) that we financially and emotionally could not afford.

My parents had help, my grandparents took me and my 4 siblings every weekend from Saturday afternoon until Sunday afternoon, plus a couple if camping trips a year.
My parents haven't helped me at all, infact I helped them with childcare for years when my siblings were younger.

DHs parents are the same they had a plethora of people to help them but insisted on telling my children I am a bitch, teaching the younger ones the wrong colours to insinuate I was dumb (don't know how they thought this would work) and stole a substantial amount of money from dhs bank account over a long period of time. They stole around 3k before dh realised (he has a main account for bills and another account he didn't touch) this was in the same period of them pleading poverty and us lending them money for rent/ food every week. about £20-30 and week.
So they can't really be trusted to watch the kids either.

some people are takers and some people are mugs.

It was definitely worth the 3k to realise what a pair of mugs we were. It probably saved us money in the long run. Mils very light fingered, even caught her nicking our toilet roll and teabags.

I will help out with grandchildren but after decades of looking after my own children growing up - Im enjoying the freedom.

I am happy to help in the school holidays for a week and take on holiday, but im not going to do a regular two days a week as I have a life of my own

posted too soon.
We won't be available for them during their old age, and we will definitely baby sit our grandchildren. we have many years to wait but I can't wait, I couldn't imagine watching my children struggle without a break for years.

I strongly suspect this is how my own parents feel, although they haven't said it out loud!
I sometimes wonder why they had more than one child themselves tbh

My mum is absolutely awesome. She reduced her hours at work when my eldest, now a teenager, was born so she could look after her one day a week. When she started school she picked her up one day a week. When my youngest was born 8 years later I was very clear I wasn't expecting the same again but my mum was adamant that as she was now retired she wanted to do the same again (actually ended up having my youngest 2 days a week for a year due to lack of nursery places) Other than covid a few holidays I don't think there has been Wednesdays in the last 13 years my mum hasn't been at our house with our girls. In the holidays she will always ask to have them overnight (only one at a time though) and they both love nanas house. My mum is single and retired and has a great group of friends but her grand daughters (she has 3) are such an important part of her life and her relationship with them is brilliant and they adore her.

My dad however is great to hang on with but I think he once babysat my eldest for 2 hours about 10 years ago. We see him once every few months for a lovely lunch..the kids adore him but it's a very different relationship but childcare just not his thing.

Both choices are fine

God, I don't think I have the attention span to be responsible for small self-destructive inquisitive beings any more. 'Hi mum, where have you put Baby Sammy?' 'Ermmm... could he be playing on the scaffolding?'

I never much liked being responsible for keeping the children's friends alive on a two-hour playdate, and that was some time back.

Your family sounds lovely, but just a gentle caveat - a lot of elderly people in residential care aren't there because their families didn't care enough to "take them in". They're there because it's unsafe for them to be elsewhere, they may have dementia or other complex conditions which mean that they literally need 24 hour observation to stay safe - most families, however loving, can't realistically provide that. Many care home residents started out living with relatives and came to harm, or disappeared in the night while confused, or tried to do something dangerous in the kitchen...when the difficult decision is made that they need 24 hour care, it's often heartbreaking and shaming for families, and they don't need to read on discussion forums that a real loving family "wouldn't dream of putting them in a home".

I find it fascinating that most MNers can on the one hand hold the opinion that if a parent “stays at home” this is ‘work’ and should be treated as such. That is is harder to look after younger children than go out to work and that the parent who is at work should also shoulder half of everything else because it is equivalent to work and yet when it’s grandparents suddenly it’s not that hard work and it should be a pleasure that all grandparents should want to do?! Childminding is extremely hard work …. Whether they are related to you or not!

My parents saw their DGS when they wanted to and did lovely things with him on their terms and timetable because he was their DGS. They did some occasional ‘emergency’ child minding when all else failed.

I will be exactly the same if I become a grandparent. I found looking after a baby/toddler hard enough when they were mine and I have no desire to take up child minding in retirement.

We never had much help from any of the grandparents (three sets), but I've never expected it and we live too far from them for them to do anything regular. Plus, I've always been a SAHM, so apart from when either I or one of the DC has been in hospital, necessitating me staying with that DC, I've never needed it. When I have been in a real bind though my DM has dropped everything and come and I've really appreciated that. When the shit hits the fan, she's been there. I know I'm lucky.

Just asked DH who has a very hard and stressful job, and is counting the days until he can retire in about 3 years time, if he would sign up to look after any future grandkids 2 days a week. His answer "Fuck no! Going to spend my retirement sleeping, reading and watching movies in the middle of the day." I think he's earned it, tbh.

I have been a parent since I was 15, I am now 42 and have a 26,21,17 and 15 year old living at home. When they decide to move out and have children of their own I will noy be putting my life on hold to look after them.