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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you gifted money to your grandchildren...

439 replies

HarperElla · 24/04/2023 14:46

...say £50-£150 per birthday/Christmas and the odd other occasion like Easter or random gifts, would you mind if their mother put the money towards a holiday for them and their parent? I've been doing this, I have a 4 year old, he has too many toys, I have a really good savings pot for him already etc etc. I want to take him on holiday to Egypt before he goes to school, and put any money which is given to him by family members towards this. I've made sure that it doesn't extend past the fare for his flight. I've been told by a family member that I'm out of order doing this and that I should either put it in his savings or buy him gifts with it. I've made it clear to him that the family members who gave us the money helped us pay for it and that we should be grateful to them that they helped us go on holiday (explained in terms he can ubderstand). He has 4k in savings, 1k a year put in my me. WIBU to do this?

OP posts:
beautifuldaytosavelives · 25/04/2023 11:42

SEMPA1234567 · 25/04/2023 10:07

YNBU - at birthdays my family often gift the odd little bit of birthday money, £10, £20, £50. I don’t specifically put that to one side for that specific child, it just gets spent around the time of their birthday. So for example, if we go for a day out we’ve got a little extra money in our pocket for ice creams, treats etc in one way or another it makes their birthday more enjoyable.

If my family gifted a large amount for a specific child I would think that is a little different and I would put that away in a savings account for them but 20 quid is just an alternative to buying them some plastic toy that will get forgotten about in minutes.

If you’ve saved all the little bits of money you’ve been given then taking him on an amazing holiday sounds like a lovely idea. Especially as it sounds like your being very sensible and saving for his future anyway. Don’t listen to all the negativity, enjoy the time with your child while you can. If your family have a problem with you doing this then they should just stop giving you money and buy a present instead!

You mean you spend their money buying stuff that you should. You must be made up when a note drops out of the card.

Doone21 · 25/04/2023 12:43

I doubt a 4 year old is choosing Egypt for their holiday or to spend like that. You are choosing it because you want one.
Either spend it on activities, clubs, lessons, special activity days they want to save it for them.

SEMPA1234567 · 25/04/2023 12:55

beautifuldaytosavelives · 25/04/2023 11:42

You mean you spend their money buying stuff that you should. You must be made up when a note drops out of the card.

Show quote history

No not at all. My children are very young so when we take them out for a birthday day out (theme park, farm etc) and they ask for an ice cream, gift from the shop, to go on a ride that costs extra to the entry fee we sometime use their birthday money to do that, otherwise we’d just have to say no if we couldn’t afford it and their day wouldn’t be as fun. I don’t consider that things we ‘should’ buy them it’s not clothes, food, a roof over their heads it’s treats! That’s exactly what birthday money is for isn’t it! I’m sure when they get a bit older they will take the money out the card themselves and use it to buy their own treats when we’re out but at the moment it stays in my purse as if I gave it to my 3 year old they would just loose it!
No relative of mine has ever put money in a card and stipulated what it must be spent on so I just use it on what I think will make my child happy. If they ever did write in the card that the £10 was only to go towards a toy or to be put into a bank account etc then I’d take that into consideration before I spent it but surely that would be a very odd thing to do and most people give money to a child knowing the parent will use their own discretion as to what it’s best spent on.

OliveOilly · 25/04/2023 12:55

beautifuldaytosavelives · 25/04/2023 11:40

YABU to say ‘gifted’.

LOL.

What's happened to the simple 'gave' or 'has given'?

Mothership4two · 25/04/2023 13:03

We went to Egypt (did the tours etc) a few years ago so may be out of date now but I wouldn't say it's appropriate for a young child. It was hot obvs, very busy and there was a lot of walking and it wasn't buggy friendly not to mention the flight that was about 5 hours long. As others have said many museums have great ancient Egyptian exhibits. We took ours to the Tutankhamun Exhibition in Dorchester many years ago and they enjoyed it - I think we found it a bit gaudy!

We took our 4 yo DS round Pompei. It was more for us than him but it was OK for little ones. He liked the running around and although he wasn't obsessed with Romans there was a lot of interesting stuff to look at but honestly he couldn't give a sh*t. And he was a bright kid too.

There is a lot of experience here on MN and good advice but the OP seems to counter all the advice that she doesn't agree with with justifications that are straying into the slightly doubtful

The majority of posters were against using his money but in less than an hour of the initial OP the grandmother had been asked and totally agreed with the OP. 🤔 Not sure why she hadn't asked them in the first place?

Our 2 had generous grandparent money gifts which went straight into their building society accounts that they could access at 18. All holidays were paid for fully by us. It is the child's gift not the parents.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/04/2023 13:47

toomuchlaundry · 25/04/2023 10:12

@Snugglemonkey if the relatives like to see them with a toy then surely that is what they are wanting you to spend the money on

@toomuchlaundry

im sure he had loads of toys

IAmMeThisIsI · 25/04/2023 13:53

I can't be bothered to read the whole post so I'm sorry if it's alrighty been said. It depends what the grandparents say really. If they said "yes, spend it on anything you think he wants", then YNBU. If they said "save it for him in an account", then YABU. That's it really.

I've given money to loads of little babies in cards. I tell the mother to spend it however she thinks the baby will need it. If I wanted a savings account for a baby, I'd open one myself for the child.

SEMPA1234567 · 25/04/2023 14:08

IAmMeThisIsI · 25/04/2023 13:53

I can't be bothered to read the whole post so I'm sorry if it's alrighty been said. It depends what the grandparents say really. If they said "yes, spend it on anything you think he wants", then YNBU. If they said "save it for him in an account", then YABU. That's it really.

I've given money to loads of little babies in cards. I tell the mother to spend it however she thinks the baby will need it. If I wanted a savings account for a baby, I'd open one myself for the child.

100% this! If you give money to a young child and don’t specifically say what you want it spent on then you can’t get upset with what the parent chooses to do with it for them! As long as it has some benefit to the child (toy, savings account, day out etc) and the parents don’t just spend it on themselves (trip to the pub 😂) I don’t see that you should care! (Although not sure how’d you’d know if they spent it down the pub unless they told you!😂)

Even if I sent money to my nephew/niece and the parents were struggling and decided to spend it on the gas bill I’d be happy! Rather that than they sleep in a cold house with their £10 squirrelled away in savings account!

GUARDIAN1 · 25/04/2023 18:14

YABU. It's not your money. Your child can't give informed consent for you to use it this way. If you can't afford to go to Egypt without raiding his gifts, don't go.

mindreaderofdarkthoughts · 25/04/2023 18:34

How dramatic. He cried over Egyptian history? Give me a break. Stop trying to justify your choices to use HIS money for YOUR holiday. It IS ultimately your holiday. You're the adult and parent.

AllyArty · 25/04/2023 18:35

I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s right. Something doesn’t sit right about the whole thing. IMO UABU.

cass5 · 25/04/2023 18:38

I don't see a problem with this. I am sure you spend a LOT of your own money treating your child, more than any money they get for xmas/birthdays. To apaziguate all these concerns of people thinking you you are taking something away from your child when you are going to buy them treat a treat with your money, put it to the side for the trip, and use the money the grandparents gave. Really really silly, as money is all the same. If the grandparents had something specific they wanted to contribute towards they should make it clear.

ArmatureDramatics · 25/04/2023 18:39

I said I'd shut up, but I think it's unkind of those who are suggesting that the OP is the one who really wants to go holidaying in Egypt. If you had ever had a young child with an all-consuming obsession, you'd see why a parent might want to do something like this for him. I still think she's wrong to do it, for reasons I've outlined above, but I do think she is genuinely trying to do something for him and not for herself.

I can't absolutely guarantee that I wouldn't have done similar if I'd only had one obsessive child, so it's probably just as well that I had more. Grin

MissingMoominMamma · 25/04/2023 18:40

I would 🤷‍♀️.

Islandgirl68 · 25/04/2023 18:40

It all depends on your financial situation. It is up to you how you spend it. Some could be saved and some could be spent on toys if he needs, but what I'd the difference between toys and a flight to an amazing experience like a visit to Australia. You are his parent so you get to decide.

MissingMoominMamma · 25/04/2023 18:42

My mum saved my Christmas and birthday money to buy a tent when I was small. We had loads of brilliant times in that tent and she wouldn’t have been able to afford it herself.

Drivingmecrazydizzy · 25/04/2023 18:52

Just caught up on this thread and I think it’s a lovely idea! I know people disagree but you know your son and honestly I took my son abroad when he was 3 and he’s 16 now and remembers quite a lot about the holiday! First time on a plane, going to the sea life shows etc. Go and have an amazing time and take loads of pictures for him! You are so lucky to be in a situation where this has been made possible for him xx

jumpingbean1810 · 25/04/2023 19:11

Mumsnet is full of so many judgy awful people! OP, I am a single parent and took my daughter to Egypt when she was 4 (albeit staying with friends) . Went to pyramids etc, had a great holiday and I couldn't care less she doesn't remember it now, it's not all about 'making memories', there is something about embracing the present. We have photos to look back on and I can tell her stories about our trip. And if the people who gave you the birthday money are happy for it to go towards his flight then it's nobody else's business.

Have a brilliant time.

Brokenmiata · 25/04/2023 19:14

Tbh you're using it on something he would enjoy, you've said he really likes Egypt atm... I doubt a 4 year old is running low on toys that will just end up thrown out in a year. You're not taking away from him as his savings are being topped up constantly by you anyway. Just take the money you would usually put in instead then people can't moan. I'd rather have had a holiday than a toy I wouldn't remember in 6 months.

TeenLifeMum · 25/04/2023 19:23

I wouldn’t and I’m shocked at the number of posters saying they would. My dc get £50 each every birthday/Christmas and they can spend some but the rest gets saved. It can help them with driving lessons, car insurance etc not subsidising the family holiday.

wellstopdoingitthen · 25/04/2023 19:24

I think you have had a lot of grief over this OP.

If it's going to be spent on something he'll enjoy & appreciate I think that's brilliant. The money that gets wasted on nonsense toys that are discarded quickly is immense.

The thing to take away from this MN pile-on OP is that you should have asked your mum rather than MN people.

I love the idea of your mum's to make a book for him. Some of the memories will fade but if you keep his tickets, photos & perhaps a little diary he could write/draw, it would mean a lot in years to come.

Enjoy your trip.

mickey54 · 25/04/2023 19:24

@Oysterbabe totally agree.

Nofurme · 25/04/2023 19:28

If your son would love to go to Egypt then use his birthday gift to take him - what’s the problem? I’m sure his grandparents etc would happily see him smiling telling about his amazing holiday and saying thanks for helping send me there! It’s his birthday gift let him do something he’d enjoy! Why would you think all money given to a 4 year old needs put away to buy a house in 20 years!! And also every families circumstances are different and opportunities for kids to go away differ. You’re his mum and care about him most - do what you think makes him happiest and if that’s a trip to Egypt go for it!

TrixieMixie · 25/04/2023 19:32

Gift over…..No I wouldn’t mind but I do mind people saying ‘gifted’ instead of ‘gave’. Sorry, I know everyone seems to do it and I’m a pedant.

IAteAllTheCake · 25/04/2023 19:36

I think it's a gorgeous idea and would be happy if my children spent the money I have to my grandchildren for a holiday.

I've been on a couple of holidays with them all and have seen firsthand how much the experiences have shaped them and how much they learnt.

I love the idea of making a holiday book for my grandchildren @HarperElla - can you tell me a bit more about it please.