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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you gifted money to your grandchildren...

439 replies

HarperElla · 24/04/2023 14:46

...say £50-£150 per birthday/Christmas and the odd other occasion like Easter or random gifts, would you mind if their mother put the money towards a holiday for them and their parent? I've been doing this, I have a 4 year old, he has too many toys, I have a really good savings pot for him already etc etc. I want to take him on holiday to Egypt before he goes to school, and put any money which is given to him by family members towards this. I've made sure that it doesn't extend past the fare for his flight. I've been told by a family member that I'm out of order doing this and that I should either put it in his savings or buy him gifts with it. I've made it clear to him that the family members who gave us the money helped us pay for it and that we should be grateful to them that they helped us go on holiday (explained in terms he can ubderstand). He has 4k in savings, 1k a year put in my me. WIBU to do this?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 20:40

@FarmGirl78 I think 25 year old me would rather look back at photos of me enjoying my holiday to Egypt than a plastic pyramid!

Relatives sometimes gave us money for DS when he was little, we bought toys etc with it. One relative set up a savings account for him. We set up a savings account for him. Relatives never dictated what the money was to be spent on or that it needed to be put in a savings account

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/04/2023 20:42

I think travel is very decisive , many see it as a waste of money and others as one of the best things you can do with money.

Totally agree with this!
I personally cannot understand the former, but I know there are plenty of people like that around

Roz22 · 24/04/2023 20:46

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 19:43

@Roz22 if your grandchild said he was desperate to see the Pyramids and would like to spend his birthday money towards it would you still get him a gift card for something he did not want?

Do posters who disagree with the OP doing this also disagree when parents ask their DC to put birthday money towards an expensive school skiing trip for example?

@FarmGirl78 DS enjoyed holidays throughout his childhood. I hope he won't be complaining when he is 25 that we should have gone round in rags and eaten bread and water instead so we could have put that money in an account for a deposit for a house. Not all the relatives are stipulating that the money should be put in savings, they have mentioned gifts too. So would he be angry with his mum if she had bought a box of lego instead of putting money in his house deposit account

I don’t agree that 4 year olds should be contributing towards the family holiday, no. If my 4 yo grandchild said this to me, I’d imagine the idea would have come from at least one of his parents.

If he said “I don’t want a voucher”, I’d put the money in his savings or/and ask him exactly what he wants. This could even be an experience gift like taking him to a museum about his interests - something appropriate for a grandparent. If he said “I want to put cash towards a holiday” (which I really cannot imagine a 4 yo saying…) I’d tell his parents my thoughts above. My MIL doesn’t do cash with ours but she saves for them and buys them actual gifts. 4 is too young for cash in my opinion anyway.

JazbayGrapes · 24/04/2023 20:50

Take him to Egypt when he's a bit older and able to appreciate it more? At 4 years of age, a trip to a zoo or a theme park would suffice.

Beebumble2 · 24/04/2023 21:02

They’re used to it!

LucifersLight · 24/04/2023 21:10

When I first read the start of this thread I thought you were being unreasonable and I still think your son shouldn’t be paying towards the holiday, but he could be loaning you the funds. You could even pay him interest ;)

But the more I have read the more I think you should simply think that of it as using some of the £4k you have saved for him and replace it when you can.

e.g. act as though the money you have in cash from grandmother is already in the bank savings. If son knows he has £4k from you in the bank then you should want to replace what you spend on the flight in place of future savings for him.

anyhow, as grandmother gave him the cash and she says it would be a good use of it then I see no problem.

I hope you have a wonderful time! I’m quite envious - Horus is to many the original Lucifer.

I don’t agree with this idea that children shouldn’t have amazing experiences that they won’t remember 20 years later. Life is not all about remembering the past. Live partly in the now but with an eye on the future! Sounds like you have your head screwed on right to me.

DollyTubb · 24/04/2023 21:21

I gift my nieces and nephews cash and I have no worries about what their parents spend it on. The children have so many things, don't go short on anything and I implicitly trust their parents judgement as to what they believe is right for their children. And I have some wonderful memories of happy family events from when I was 4 years old so I'd say go for it!

OhwhyOY · 24/04/2023 21:26

I personally would think that you should be using this money for what you consider to be in your son's best interest. I would probably think this generally wouldn't be a holiday but I totally see where you're coming from and if you couldn't afford to take him otherwise but think he'd love it then I get it. However is there a particular rush to take him now rather than wait a year or two until he's older and could remember it more?

In any case, I think it's lovely how excited you are for him and all those people saying 'if you do this then he will think he can have what he wants for future obsessions' sorry but I just find that incredibly bitter and negative. On that basis why would you ever do anything nice for your children, as what if they would always expect that? Eurgh.

alphabetti · 24/04/2023 21:30

If you give a gift it should be given with no ties and let parents decide. It may be their only chance of paying for a family holiday and the child will benefit from the travel and memories. If you only want birthday/Christmas money to be kept for whe the child reaches a certain age just set up a savings account and send a card with a copy of the bank statement!!

I find some mumsnet attitudes to looking after and supporting family a bit weird to be honest. In my family we work together to provide childcare when can and will happily help each other out with bills if needed each to their own but I would be devestated if when my children have children of their own they don’t ask for childcare help when needed and I will always help financially if can and any gift given is a gift not something to only be spent on my say so. I wanted them to have some savings when turn 18 so pay a small amount each month into an ISA but anything else is family money there to benefit us as a family although I do try to spend it to benefit the child it was given to like my 2yr old got sent £10 for Easter so her dad took her to soft play.

millymae · 24/04/2023 21:31

I know it’s annoying when someone hasn’t read the whole thread, and I haven’t but If I was a grandparent I’d not be best pleased to find that money I’d given was being used to help fund a family holiday. On the other hand I wouldn’t mind it being put towards a school trip away that was just for the child.
For anyone who has a child interested in anything related to ancient Egypt a trip to the World Museum in Liverpool might be enjoyed. The Ancient Egypt permanent display is well worth a visit

Travis1 · 24/04/2023 21:34

YANBU I mean I’m loving all the outrage on this thread but I give money to my nephews and trust their parents to use it as they see fit. Sometimes I’ll specify like last summer when I made sure I gave them enough to cover entry, lunch and a couple of treats at a local outdoor farm play thing. And we actually paid to take one of our nephews away with us. Experiences and family time are priceless. I find all the people who give a ‘gift’ of money that MUST be put into savings utterly soulless.

ArmatureDramatics · 24/04/2023 21:40

@HarperElla I know you haven't asked for any input on anything else - but please try to make sure your son doesn't inherit 75k at the age of 18. I inherited a similar amount of money but it was held in trust until I was old enough to manage it appropriately. I've set the same up for my children, just in case I drop dead any time soon. One of my DC is 18 and has ADHD and would blow 75k in one night...! (Wouldn't have guessed this when they were 4...)

Marymary987 · 24/04/2023 21:40

I think it’s fine. My kids get money off their grandparents for birthdays/Xmas and it’s for toys, games, clothes, gadgets etc. They don’t expect it to go into long term savings so wouldn’t have an issue with how it’s spent.
Life is for living so I think it’s fine to spend some on a family holiday that will give him memories for ever, my children all remember the holidays they had at 4.

LadyJ2023 · 24/04/2023 21:47

Eh so your stealing the child's gift money to pay for a holiday. That's so so wrong. It was not gifted to you or anybodyelse either!!

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 22:01

Can’t believe some people are using the word stealing? It’s not like the OP is off to Egypt leaving her DS behind with a friend

Nothingisblackandwhite · 24/04/2023 22:03

People on this thread are so much fun ! not! Goodness me I traveled with my kids all over the world , the oldest remember holidays since they were just over 2 years old , including Egypt . All children benefit from holidays abroad with new cultures instead of a “day at the beach in Skegness “ …. How is that even comparable ?
I have never meet anyone whose children told them as older teens or adults that they wished they never traveled . You cannot compare the experience of meeting new cultures with a day at the beach .
OP go , enjoy , it’s great , your kids will not remember money in the bank , they will remember adventure , excitement and fun experiences , new foods , different cultures , it will plant a seed of wanting more and wanting more e knowledge and adventure .

Conductpolicy · 24/04/2023 22:08

Op go and enjoy it.
Personally i think its very brave. It's not going to be like Spain or France etx.
I wouldn't mind as a gp if you spent time I'm holiday. Holidays are good for dc. Each time we went away even in a yh for a night my dc seemed to mentally grow.

But I would use the money for lots of smaller holidays send trips.

Conductpolicy · 24/04/2023 22:10

Holidays are seen as very bad on here.
Wow betide the person who says they want to take dc out of school for one day!

downtonupton · 24/04/2023 22:26

we had this

if it was a gift for their birthday, then no, it was theirs - but then sometimes my grandmother would send us a cheque for £1000 and say it was £250 each and we used to put some of that towards a holiday - they benefited from the holiday too

SleepingStandingUp · 24/04/2023 22:31

HarperElla · 24/04/2023 14:53

But that's the whole point he would still have the same amount in his savings if I balanced it out. I'd have to contribute less to his savings and the money from grandparents would mean he pretty much has the same in his savings. Fair enough if most think I'm being unreasonable though.

Show quote history

It isn't the total money in his savings, it's the principle.
You using savings you put aside to take him on holiday, fine.
You choosing to spend his presents from other people on a holiday you want, not fine. It wouldn't be OK if it was Disney Land but at least you could claim it was for him.

If you can't afford the holiday and don't want to use your savings, don't go.

Either save it for him to choose how to spend when he's older, buy him memberships for stuff for him or let him choose some toys.

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 25/04/2023 06:42

Parents pay for holidays for a 4 year old, surely?

YABU

Thoughtful2355 · 25/04/2023 07:26

I personally wouldnt, I would be putting it all away. you can afford it then you pay for it yourself dont use his money. whether or not youll be putting it into savings anyway doesnt matter, Its HIS money or Your money to pay for holiday, you should use your money.

Kerri44 · 25/04/2023 07:34

My mum saves monthly for my kids and they get it at Christmas, they also get money at birthdays etc, Id never use there money for a holiday, I'm choosing to take them away so I pay for it.....I work a seasonal job extra to take them.on holiday

SchoolTripDrama · 25/04/2023 07:50

YABVVU - Sorry but this is not your money! I know holidays are expensive (I'm a widowed parent on disability benefits through no choice of my own and the best I can do this year is 4 nights in a caravan!) but preschoolers almost always go free on most holiday packages. If not free then not far off.

Also what on earth will there be for them to do in Egypt?! I'm honestly not trying to be unkind but there's no way to sugar coat this - it sounds like a trip more for you than for them? Which is fine! You can take them wherever you want of course, but don't make them pay towards it. If you don't want to buy them toys then either use some/all of it to take them to kid-centred places or put it in an ISA for when they're older?

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