To say no to visiting inlaws so often

[PinkMonday]

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

Then I think you're within your rights to say no. Don't give into the pressure. Point out that as well as you get on with his parents their real interest lies in him and the baby so they won't mind if you give it a miss to have a rest/catch up with your own stuff.

Omg no one can make you do what you don't want to do. If you don't want to go, don't go! Why do you have to compromise? I wouldn't.

I love spending time with my family and if my husband is free I invite him, but if he didn't want to I would be fine with that. If he wants to stay home or do whatever, it's his time and life and I can't control that and don't want to. I expect the same vice versa. Weekends are precious you don't want to hang around with the in laws all the time.

In not going you are not putting a wedge between him and his family, he is just manipulating you. It's his decision if he wants to go and shouldn't hang on whether you want to go or not.

Haven’t RTFT but this sounds more than reasonable. They still see him and the baby once a fortnight but you only have to endure them once a month.

In laws are a pain in the arse for most people and I can totally understand why you don’t want to spend large amounts of your weekends with them!

You need to find out why he won't go without you. I think that's the key here. We had a reasonably rigid pattern of visiting parents when our children were little-but it was pattern that was rigid, not the personnel!

The next time he says "we are going to visit parents at the weekend", you reply oh that'll be nice for you & baby. It will give me a chance to do xyz/clean oven/put bedding plants in.
And when you get but I want you to come, you can say I 'll go next time. This Saturday I am doing xyz. It'll be nice for your parents to see you & baby.
But baby in back of car on her own . . .
She'll be fine.
But abc ...
It'll be fine.

Be firm. Stick to it. You are not going. For your own sanity & future, be firm!

we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years!

You both sound as bad as each other tbh. Him for being so needy and you for acting the martyr for a decade.

OP,

He souns scary.

So controlling of your time for a decade, and yet you went ahead and had a child with him.

Afraid of saying No?

I would strongly recommend you get some counselling to support you.

This is ALL about him.

Happy to have his hobbies, but insists you never get a minute and that YOU entertain his parents.

This is such an unhealthy dynamic that you have been forced into.

This is not good.

You appear to not have any choices at all.

Just because he likes to see his family weekly does not mean you have to too.

That is so controlling.

Please reach out for support to talk this through with.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

They are HIS parents.

He should be able to visit without you, but doesn't want to and has insisted you go with him for years.

Really controlling and fxxked up.

Get outside advice.

You are very controlled and vulnerable now that you have a child.

He is not the boss of you, despite what he tells you.

Talk to your gp and health visitor too.

Yeah you are right which is why now after I have had a baby and realise time isn't limitless, I want to nip it in the bud before it starts. We went over last week because it was his mums birthday. I'll go over again in 6 weeks when it's his dad's birthday. And in between they can come here or dh can go there. No more martyring!

Good to read.

Take back control.

If he gets upset with you, you need to be clear that he is trying to control you and seek outside support.

YANBU
Strange that he won't go on his own
Does he have a particular reason?

My apologies I missed the post where you have pulled back already over the past 4 years.

Good.

Be very firm.

He is an only child.

Too easy for you to be dragged into a caring role, especially personal care, that you may not want.

He says it's because he wants to spend time with me but he happily spends time by himself when he does his hobbies so I don't think it's this at all.

I believe its because he finds the visits tedious and struggles to make conversation with them. If I go then it's less pressure on him. I think he feels obligated to go rather than wanting to go. Hence he wants me to come to so it's not as boring.

Yes I have made it clear to him that I will not be looking after his parents when the time comes so he needs to have a conversation with them about what's going to happen when they need care. I don't think he will talk to them about this and when the time comes he will 100% expect me to do it but I won't. His mum can drive but chooses not to so I am worried this will make it harder if his dad ever gets ill and can no longer ferry her around. But again, not my circus, not my monkeys.

It's ALL about him and what suits him.

Selfish and controlling.

Send him with your child and take the break from them both.

You need to realise this is very selfish behaviour and that he doesn't care about you in these visits.

Its all about him.

Keep reminding yourself and him about his hobbies that he so happily enjoys.

Controlling men are very selfish.

Protect yourself.

He sounds the type that would make their elder care your responsibility.

He needs to see HIS parents mostly on his own.

Don't allow him to use you, because that is what he is doing.

@PinkMonday can you make weekend plans to get you out of this- visit friends, hair cut, new hobby etc. It's crazy to spend so much of your weekend time visiting people you don't particularly want to see so often. I definitely would not be keen on that! Make your DH go on his own if he's that bothered.

Rather than waiting for him to bring it up I think you need to take the bill by the horns and raise it now yourself.

There are lots of good points people have made.

Start booking your own time out too.

Good for you.

My experience of my friends husbands is many are very focused on doing as little as they can get away with.

Leaving it to sisters and wives.

Several of my friends had busy years running around after children, work, and their parents, before they went to nursing homes or died.

When it came to their in laws their husbands brazenly thought they would do the same for them🙄.

They got a VERY rude awakening on that score.

My friends were having absolutely none of it, and they liked their in laws.

They had juggled alone and had absolutely no intention of going through it all again.

Men in my experience absolutely hate doing appointments etc., and will bleat on about work and being too busy.

My friends pushed back very hard and refused to engage.

Men in my long experience do not like being obliged or inconvenienced.

You are wise to be very clear.

As I keep reading your thread @PinkMonday, I get the feeling that your DH is completely enmeshed in the Fear Obligation and Guilt cycle or FOG as it is also known.

He has a Fear that all hell would break loose if he doesn't go and visit his parents on such a regular basis so he is therefore Obliged to visit them on a regular basis and then there is the Guilt that something might happen if he doesn't visit them as often as he is.

I mean what would actually happen if he didn't see them for one week? How about 2 weeks? What happens when you go on holidays?

By stretching out the time between visits, you'll also have more things to talk about because more will have happened in the intervening time.

Definitely stay home on his travel weekends. Isn’t it the equivalent of you getting some spare hobby time to yourself?

@Skyla01
DH is acting like a sulky teenager
They're his parents! He must feel a duty to see them, You and DC should be his priority now so your feelings should matter to him
Funny he can still find time to do his hobbies but not time as a family.
I'm not a GM yet, but I would tell my sons to prioritise their partner and DC
I'm sorry and I hope he will compromise

This is interesting, I think it's exactly like this. He doesn't seem to enjoy the time with his parents (maybe he does but doesn't show it). He's a lot quieter with them.

I don't know how they would react if he wanted to delay a visit for a few weeks. I think his mum would probably guilt trip him. I try to stay out of organising things because she's quite overbearing for me. Maybe that's because I don't have any family so it's too full on for me to deal with. Years ago we thought we didn't want any kids and when my husband brought it up she cried. To be honest, I think he only changed his mind because of her. There's lots of other overbearing things but I don't want that to influence the opinions of me going over there or not.

It’s quite obvious that he doesn’t want to visit them on his own because then he would have to make small talk for hours. He is using you!
What is it that makes you feel unable to bring it up now before he mentions it?
Could you start a conversation saying that it’s only fair that you get your alone time the same as he does when he does his hobbies so he can take baby to his parents and you can have a few free hours to do as you wish. You will of course visit too on occasion but not to a schedule.
Get it off your chest and be firm. Do not let him bully/coerce you into agreeing to his/their selfish plans.

I feel like I have challenged his behaviour quite a lot recently and by voicing my opinion I feel like I am causing trouble yet again. I know I am not causing trouble but I don't want to be negative. He doesn't have any issues with me (that he has voiced) so I don't want him to feel like I am picking on him. Until I had my daughter, he was my number 1 priority. I always put him first and thought about him. But he has always put himself first too. He is getting better because I've pointed out that x and y isn't fair. And he has changed it. He doesn't mean to be selfish. It just doesn't come naturally to think of others. So I think I will wait until he brings up going on the visit and I will nicely tell him that I don't want to go every time but for him to go on his own with dd if he wants.

I know he won't go. Which then makes me feel like I am the controlling one! But I need to look after myself too. I will go but every couple of months. And they can visit us every week if they wanted! I have no issue with seeing them in my own house.

I don’t think it needs to be as regimented as what you are proposing. The next Saturday you are due to visit just tell your DH that you had a rough night with your DC and need to just have some time to yourself at home. Tell him to pass on your apologies to his parents/text them yourself and shove him out the door with baby.

To keep them feeling included, arrange days out. Trips to the zoo/farm/swimming/playgroup/park and extend the invite to them. It’ll only be a couple of hours but on your terms and it’ll help ease that guilt when you decline the next weekend invitation. You just need to get a bit more assertive, especially with your DH.

This!

I'm allergic to any sort of regular commitment. My in-laws tried to get into a routine of visiting me and baby DS every Thursday at 1pm. It didn't happen.