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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to visiting inlaws so often

234 replies

PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 07:53

Dh and I have a baby who is 6 months old. The inlaws have been visiting to see our baby every other weekend but now dh wants us to visit them every other weekend instead. His reasoning is that he wants our baby to get used to the car journey. They live 45 mins away.

Back story: we have been together for 14 years. I felt like dh used to emotionally blackmail me into visiting them every weekend when we first got together. This lasted about 10 years! I don't have any family and so I agreed but resented it. Imagine having no weekends to yourself for years! And it was never just popping in for tea, it was always a whole day thing. I did say a lot that I didn't want to go and for him to go by himself, but he wouldn't. It was either I go with him or he wouldn't go at all. I was frightened of being seen as coming between him and his family hence why I reluctantly agreed.

Since covid and now having a baby, I haven't had to go over. I don't mind them coming to us but I don't want to go there. My first thought was to alternate so they come here and then we go there but I don't even want to do that! I feel like I'm being a child stamping their foot. So please tell me if I am!

I'm thinking of saying I will go once every 3 months but is that horrible of me? Aibu to suggest that?

OP posts:
averylongtimeago · 24/04/2023 12:47

Let's unpick this:
DH is an only child.
Pil are the only other family on both sides.
Pil are generally ok people who treat you well (if sometimes a bit overbearing).
They live 45 minutes away - so about 30/35 miles?
Pil and your DH would like to see each other (and the grandkids) regularly, you less so.

Why does everything have to be set in stone? Seeing each other every couple of weeks sounds fair to me- I saw my in-laws and my mum at least that often, and wider family regularly too. I would be very unhappy if I was restricted to a set day once a month to see my only child and grandchildren, and would have been beyond cross if DH had tried to restrict my contact with my mum (I'm an only child too).

Why not continue to see them every couple of weeks, sometimes at your house, sometimes at theirs and sometimes on a day out to the play park/zoo/shopping trip/meet for Sunday lunch.
They are not that far away, it's not like they live in Scotland and you live In Cornwall, it doesn't have to be always at one place and it doesn't always have to be both of you. I would go out with mil and the dc sometimes, DH would go on his own occasionally if I was working or busy.

I think you should be prepared to compromise here, unless there's a back story you are not sharing?

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 12:54

averylongtimeago · 24/04/2023 12:47

Let's unpick this:
DH is an only child.
Pil are the only other family on both sides.
Pil are generally ok people who treat you well (if sometimes a bit overbearing).
They live 45 minutes away - so about 30/35 miles?
Pil and your DH would like to see each other (and the grandkids) regularly, you less so.

Why does everything have to be set in stone? Seeing each other every couple of weeks sounds fair to me- I saw my in-laws and my mum at least that often, and wider family regularly too. I would be very unhappy if I was restricted to a set day once a month to see my only child and grandchildren, and would have been beyond cross if DH had tried to restrict my contact with my mum (I'm an only child too).

Why not continue to see them every couple of weeks, sometimes at your house, sometimes at theirs and sometimes on a day out to the play park/zoo/shopping trip/meet for Sunday lunch.
They are not that far away, it's not like they live in Scotland and you live In Cornwall, it doesn't have to be always at one place and it doesn't always have to be both of you. I would go out with mil and the dc sometimes, DH would go on his own occasionally if I was working or busy.

I think you should be prepared to compromise here, unless there's a back story you are not sharing?

@averylongtimeago

I'm not stopping dh and pil from seeing each other at all. But why do I have to attend every time?

Going forward I would like to travel to them occasionally. They can come to us any time they want. Every week if they wanted. Dh and dd can travel to them as often as they want. Again every week if he wants. But I myself don't want to be tied down to their visits. Is that UR?

OP posts:
mischlerischler · 24/04/2023 12:55

averylongtimeago · 24/04/2023 12:47

Let's unpick this:
DH is an only child.
Pil are the only other family on both sides.
Pil are generally ok people who treat you well (if sometimes a bit overbearing).
They live 45 minutes away - so about 30/35 miles?
Pil and your DH would like to see each other (and the grandkids) regularly, you less so.

Why does everything have to be set in stone? Seeing each other every couple of weeks sounds fair to me- I saw my in-laws and my mum at least that often, and wider family regularly too. I would be very unhappy if I was restricted to a set day once a month to see my only child and grandchildren, and would have been beyond cross if DH had tried to restrict my contact with my mum (I'm an only child too).

Why not continue to see them every couple of weeks, sometimes at your house, sometimes at theirs and sometimes on a day out to the play park/zoo/shopping trip/meet for Sunday lunch.
They are not that far away, it's not like they live in Scotland and you live In Cornwall, it doesn't have to be always at one place and it doesn't always have to be both of you. I would go out with mil and the dc sometimes, DH would go on his own occasionally if I was working or busy.

I think you should be prepared to compromise here, unless there's a back story you are not sharing?

I think you missed part of OP's replies. She is not suggesting her DH or child go less often, she would like to skip some visits herself. That's completely reasonable and fair.

DH, DD & ILs still get to see each other very 2 weeks. They are not losing any time together.

Cotton55 · 24/04/2023 12:56

You need an open and straight conversation with your dh about why he won't visit on his own. You know his excuse about not wanting to be away from you all day is rubbish as he's well able to manage doing his hobbies. If he feels nervous about being on his own with his own child all day, tell him to man up. You do it all the time. He'll get better the more he does it. Plus he would have 2 parents in the house with him to help if needs be.

If it's that he finds it difficult to chat to them without you, without wanting to sound harsh, tough luck. It's not your job to be a social buffer between him and them. They're his parents!

I remember my mam advising me, years ago, never to let myself get into a scenario where you visit in laws every second weekend (or whatever) as before you know it, you're locked in to that arrangement and it's expected. This is now your case. You should have nipped it in the bud long ago but now, with a new baby, you have the excuse to do it. When do you get a break? Time to yourself? It's not fair that the only time is when the baby is napping. You'll always have an ear out listening for her stirring so it's not a proper break. I'd advise telling your dh you've been thinking about it and you're more than happy to go some days (don't give a set plan of how often) but sometimes he'll have to go on his own as you need/want a child free break for a few hours.

Also, stop sitting in the back of the car with your baby or she won't settle without someone there. Get a mirror for the back so whoever is driving can clearly see her.

And 45 minutes in a car really isn't far. That's roughly how far my parents were from us. I was always over and back but didn't feel the need to always spend the whole day there.

Do what other posters suggested and randomly offer to meet them in a park central to all of you, especially now that the weather's getting nicer. Just give them a couple of days notice. It'll gradually get them into the idea that you're delighted to meet with them but just not always at the weekend in their house.

Good luck!

Bunnywabbity · 24/04/2023 12:57

DH is using you like a human shield with his family. He wants you there to make the visit run smoothly. He can blame you if you both don't go if you decide not to. It seems like he's both avoiding caring for his child by himself and also avoiding having tricky conversations with his parents. You're not his mum, he's an adult and needs to learn to behave like one. This is his problem to solve, not yours.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 12:58

mischlerischler · 24/04/2023 12:55

I think you missed part of OP's replies. She is not suggesting her DH or child go less often, she would like to skip some visits herself. That's completely reasonable and fair.

DH, DD & ILs still get to see each other very 2 weeks. They are not losing any time together.

Show quote history

Exactly what @mischlerischler said. Not stopping them but I just need a rest bite.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 13:01

@Cotton55 thank you! I am going on amazon now to buy a mirror for the carseat! And I will look for somewhere for us all to visit in the middle ready for when I next travel to them.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 24/04/2023 13:09

You feel that you are causing trouble or being controlling. Why?

None of this is control- you are happy for him to take DD to see them. You aren't stopping him.

Where is this coming from? It sounds like he's trained you for year not to say anything- because that makes his life easier. Not not yours. You need to start as you mean to go on.

likeafishneedsabike · 24/04/2023 13:25

Butterflyflytoday · 24/04/2023 08:44

It’s pretty dire and compounded by the fact that DH and in-laws are unable to make small talk. I was the one keeping the conversation going but found it exhausting so stopped a few years ago, when they visit there’s a lot of sitting in silence- it’s ridiculous.

Show quote history

I have been reading a lot of linguistic theory recently. This problem is aptly named ‘conversational shit work’ that we have been socially conditioned as females to take on.
Good on you for opting out. Let someone else do the ‘shit work’ …….or not ……..silence.

AnnPerkins · 24/04/2023 13:31

Don't propose any sort of regular pattern, not even once every six weeks or whatever. If DH agrees he will hold you to your side of the deal and you will still have no flexibility. You need to be able to plan things at the last minute sometimes, if a friend invites you out or you notice an event you'd like to take DD to, or you've just had a busy week and don't fancy going anywhere.

'Every couple of months or so' is perfectly reasonable if they're visiting you other times in between.

AmandaHoldensLips · 24/04/2023 14:58

I refused to go with my DH to his parents. Did it for a while and it was just a huge waste of my time. I have nothing in common with them, nothing to say to them, and no interest in just sitting around being expected to listen to inane wittering about people I don't know.

I had to spell out to my DH that I didn't drag him along when I was visiting my mother so why am I expected to come to his parents?

They were funny about it at first but frankly I didn't give a shit. Learning to say NO is an important life skill.

WheelsUp · 24/04/2023 15:03

Yabvr

I bet your h wants you to come because you do the hard work of looking after baby and you reduce the pressure of him having to handle his parents.
Your suggestion of alternating them visiting you and h taking baby there is very reasonable

Rudicoolcat · 24/04/2023 15:10

I would suggest as a compromise perhaps the in laws visit every fortnight, and then OP goes on the alternate fortnightly trips where they are driving to in laws for either the morning or afternoon and not a full day?

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 15:18

Rudicoolcat · 24/04/2023 15:10

I would suggest as a compromise perhaps the in laws visit every fortnight, and then OP goes on the alternate fortnightly trips where they are driving to in laws for either the morning or afternoon and not a full day?

@Rudicoolcat this is what Im going to suggest I think.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 24/04/2023 15:19

SquishyGloopyBum · 24/04/2023 13:09

You feel that you are causing trouble or being controlling. Why?

None of this is control- you are happy for him to take DD to see them. You aren't stopping him.

Where is this coming from? It sounds like he's trained you for year not to say anything- because that makes his life easier. Not not yours. You need to start as you mean to go on.

OP,

Please reflect on this.

You shouldn't feel that expressing your needs is causing trouble.

How did you get to this place?

How did he get you to this place?

It's not good to feel that expressing a perfectly reasonable opinion that you will NOT visit his parents every week is causing trouble.

If you don't push back and stop this, you are going to find the future unpleasant and you will eventually fall fully out of love and look to leave.

You have rightly stated he is a selfish man focused on his needs and comforts.

That gets really old quickly.

You don't want to model that type of relationship to your child.

Him the selfish boss.
You the ground down subordinate.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 15:22

AmandaHoldensLips · 24/04/2023 14:58

I refused to go with my DH to his parents. Did it for a while and it was just a huge waste of my time. I have nothing in common with them, nothing to say to them, and no interest in just sitting around being expected to listen to inane wittering about people I don't know.

I had to spell out to my DH that I didn't drag him along when I was visiting my mother so why am I expected to come to his parents?

They were funny about it at first but frankly I didn't give a shit. Learning to say NO is an important life skill.

@AmandaHoldensLips
Unfortunately as I don't have family he doesn't understand what it's like to be dragged there all the time. I have made an point to him previously about what it would feel like if I made him visit a friend of mine every weekend. He understands at the time but very quickly forgets. Think I will mention this again when we talk about it.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 24/04/2023 15:35

Hmmm - you say he listens at the time then quickly forgets, is trying to retrain himself not to be selfish and to think of others, and is happy to get his own hobby time alone but insists he can't possibly leave you alone to visit his parents twice a month. 😡

He's not coming across well here. And it sounds like he won't ever join the dots on his own. So your boundaries need to be crystal clear. You are not being unreasonable about your expectations.

sabrinatheteenagewhich · 24/04/2023 15:41

Haven't read all the thread so don't no what's been said, you aren't stopping people from seeing your baby, your quite happy for them to see your baby but don't want to be there. That is fine. Your dh can take the baby by himself to visit his parents. If you aren't breastfeeding there is no job you can do that your dh can't. Do you think the issue may be he doesn't want to/no how to look after the baby on his own?

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 15:51

MeridianB · 24/04/2023 15:35

Hmmm - you say he listens at the time then quickly forgets, is trying to retrain himself not to be selfish and to think of others, and is happy to get his own hobby time alone but insists he can't possibly leave you alone to visit his parents twice a month. 😡

He's not coming across well here. And it sounds like he won't ever join the dots on his own. So your boundaries need to be crystal clear. You are not being unreasonable about your expectations.

@MeridianB thank you for saying you don't think I'm being unreasonable. I just wasn't sure as it's hard to see things when you are in the middle of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 15:53

sabrinatheteenagewhich · 24/04/2023 15:41

Haven't read all the thread so don't no what's been said, you aren't stopping people from seeing your baby, your quite happy for them to see your baby but don't want to be there. That is fine. Your dh can take the baby by himself to visit his parents. If you aren't breastfeeding there is no job you can do that your dh can't. Do you think the issue may be he doesn't want to/no how to look after the baby on his own?

@sabrinatheteenagewhich no I don't think it's that he doesn't want to look after dd or know how. Tbh I think he finds going there a chore himself but he feels obligated to go and wants me there to make it more enjoyable. But that's his problem not mine. I let it be my problem for 10 years but now I'm not going if I don't want to.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 15:54

@PinkMonday you say you don't mind him spending time doing hobbies, you may find you are not so complacent about that when you are back at work and trying to fit everything that needs doing at the weekend. You may need to spell that out to him too

Skybluepinky · 24/04/2023 15:57

If it’s that important to him, let him take her to theirs.
I would rather visit than have someone visit me, cos u can leave when u want.

Original poster
PinkMonday · 24/04/2023 16:02

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2023 15:54

@PinkMonday you say you don't mind him spending time doing hobbies, you may find you are not so complacent about that when you are back at work and trying to fit everything that needs doing at the weekend. You may need to spell that out to him too

@toomuchlaundry that's an interesting point. I've not thought too much about what little time I will have when I go back to work. I don't see me minding his hobbies as I'm not being forced into doing something I don't want to do. When he's off I can be doing what I want and just bring dd with me. So I can garden, cook, go for a walk or browse the ships, meet friends. I wouldn't mind that at all but being forced to travel to his parents is just something I don't want to do after 10 years of it!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 24/04/2023 16:10

So you explain things to him, give him examples of how he might feel, try to make him understand?

But he forgets or just doesn't get it?
Yea, right🙄.

This is all just more of his selfishness OP.

He is a very very selfish man, consumed by HIS needs.

I think you really need to wake up to the vold reality of him.

I think you may find a huge amount of pressure put on you by him in the future with elder care.

He gets what you are saying, but it suits him better to pretend not.

He is a very selfish man and I suspect you are going to see that a lot more clearly in the coming years.

WhatToDo2023 · 24/04/2023 16:13

Your DH sounds very selfish and honestly a bit immature. He realizes he's selfish but puts you in a position to call him out on it so you feel like you're causing trouble. It's quite manipulative actually. But then again, you spent 10 years without a weekend to yourself so you're quite the pushover, which is perfect for him and be warned that you trying to set boundaries now will be difficult and, over time, probably the end of your relationship. You are not the person you were 4 years ago anymore, your whole relationship is based on him being your No.1 priority (which is so so unhealthy) and once it becomes clear to him that that is not the case anymore, he'll make your life very hard.