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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell her to poke her wedding!

322 replies

Littlepicker · 23/04/2023 17:55

My wedding (nearly 20 years ago now) involved all of my family members. We have a small family so I had my cousins as bridesmaids and ushers.
This year one of the cousins/bridesmaid is getting married. We got sent our invite but my two children haven’t been invited.
There are literally 20 of us in the family, so obviously my (impeccably behaved) children have been taken off the list to make way for friends.
AIBU to be absolutely furious? I have declined the invitation, much to other family members’ shock, because I feel so strongly that this is not right.
AIBU or is my cousin?

OP posts:

TeenLifeMum · 23/04/2023 19:22

My cousin was my bridesmaid 20 years ago and she is getting married this summer. She sent a save the date with hotel options (We’re not local) and I replied asking if the invite included my 3 dc because I didn’t want to assume. She said yes and we’ve booked the hotel accordingly but equally it would have been fine if dc weren’t included - I would have been slightly disappointed but I’d never have shown that. You don’t get to insist your dc gets an invite to a cousin’s wedding.

Hayliebells · 23/04/2023 19:23

And YABU if you're angry that the couple have invited their friends rather than your kids. Many people's friends are loads closer to them than family, particularly when you get beyond siblings.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 23/04/2023 19:23

Your wedding is irrelevant. How old are your children and how well does she actually know them? Are other kids going to be at the wedding? If she is close with your DC and invited other kids their age but omitted to invite them YANBU, if she is having a child-free wedding or if she doesn’t really have much of a relationship with them then YABU. There’s no reason to invite people to a wedding just because they’re family if you’re not actually close at all.

Lovelyring · 23/04/2023 19:23

Littlepicker · 23/04/2023 18:50

Loads of my family? There are 20 of us including 4 children!

There are fewer than 20 people in my entire family. About half that number in fact. I didn't invite my cousin's children because I haven't seen them in over 20 years.

It's hard to say if yabu without more information. Is the wedding child free?
Your family may be small, but maybe the groom's is massive.
Maybe if they include all the children of cousins on both sides it comes to 100 and they have drawn the line to exclude them all.
Maybe they can only afford 40 guests so 20 family members is actually a lot for them.

On the whole, I do think you are causing more drama than warranted.

ailsamaryc · 23/04/2023 19:24

I never got invited to any of my cousins weddings (3) despite them all being at mine. But that was a different era and never crossed my mind to be offended.

I'd far rather they invited their mates. After all that is whom they spend time with

ZoeCM · 23/04/2023 19:24

YABVVU. You sound like a total drama queen.

Sissynova · 23/04/2023 19:24

There are literally 20 of us in the family, so obviously my (impeccably behaved) children have been taken off the list to make way for friends.

Nothing wrong with that. I imagine their friends have been much more supportive of their relationship than your children.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 23/04/2023 19:26

Are you always this angsty?

Robin233 · 23/04/2023 19:27

@Iwasafool
My mum had a wedding like that.
Made her own lovely wedding dress
Reception in the village hall. Cousin made the 'awesome' cake , aunties doing the sardines - kids all invited.
It is different today
Brides father paid for it all and invited all their friends- and the b and g had a few friends.
Now it's the b and g paid for everything and the majority of guesses are their friends....

PriamFarrl · 23/04/2023 19:28

I’d sooner have my friends at my wedding than my cousins children, but this depends on a lot of things.

How old your children are and how close they are to the bride.

HideTheCroissants · 23/04/2023 19:28

I’m not keen on child free weddings myself and happily had children at mine. We did invite our cousins and would have invited their children if they’d had any at that point. BUT it’s really up to the Bride & Groom who they invite though you are totally in your rights to decline the invitation - I was only invited to one child free wedding when my DCs were small and I had to explain to the B&G that only one of us could go as the other had to stay with the DCs (no grandparents), they weren’t best pleased but since they became parents they never accept invitations that don’t include their child (even though they go away regularly leaving their child with grandparents).

DunkingMyDonuts · 23/04/2023 19:29

Can you use the quote function @Littlepicker ? No idea who you are responding to

Yanbu imo. Mean to not include 2 kids in favour of friends when there are only 4 kids in the family!

YouAreNotBatman · 23/04/2023 19:31

Ya’ll parents need to get over yourself.
Why some of you so obsessed on dragging your kids everywhere?
If couple’s don’t want (your) kids in their wedding/party/bbq, they shoudn’t be forced to do it.
And you choose to ho or not. Simple.
But seriously, you need to get over it.

Iwasafool · 23/04/2023 19:33

Robin233 · 23/04/2023 19:27

Happy less complicated days. I suppose with the cost of living crisis we could see things going a bit more like that.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 23/04/2023 19:33

You're being dramatic. They may want a child free wedding, also there's 20 of you! What if the limit of the venue is 50? Should they not invite any of their friends so your kids they probably never see get to come and be bored the whole day? What if the husbands family is much bigger and if they invite cousins children on one side they need to invite all his? I didn't even have cousins at mine, never mind their progeny 😂.

iklboo · 23/04/2023 19:34

Are you paying for or contributing to the wedding? If not, you get no say.

BustyLaRoux · 23/04/2023 19:35

Only 20 in your family? I consider that quite a large amount of family TBH!! When I got married nearly 20 years ago my DH had 24 members of his family, including children which wasn’t really my preference (though aged 12-15 so not toddlers/babies). Compared to the 7 members of my little family. I did feel like my family were vastly outnumbered. And actually my parents had contributed more. Not that that’s particularly important so is probably a bit silly to mention it really. It just felt like there was quite an imbalance. So it might be that the cousin’s spouse has a small family and they’re trying to keep numbers of your family down a bit to balance it up. I honestly think 20 is quite a lot. Weddings are expensive! Now I’m older I’m more than happy having kids running around and if I were to marry again (DH and I are now exes!) but my 27 year old self felt distinctly differently!! Don’t take it to heart. You can’t compare your wedding of 20 years ago. You’re different people and it was a different time.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/04/2023 19:37

@Littlepicker - the bride and groom are not unreasonable to prioritise friends over a cousin’s children - it’s their wedding so the get what they want. You are not unreasonable to decline the invitation but being so cross is somewhat unreasonable.

LightDrizzle · 23/04/2023 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 23/04/2023 19:42

How old are they, and does she know them?

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/04/2023 19:42

@Littlepicker

how on earth can you not see that it is not unreasonable to prioritise having your close friends who you probably see loads and have shared lots of significant moments with versus the children of cousins.

come on now. Surely you can see that?

Mamette · 23/04/2023 19:43

You invited her and now she’s invited you. Your children are a different generation so irrelevant.

JaffavsCookie · 23/04/2023 19:43

I love the faux “oh weddings were better in the old days” comments.
There was as much variation in weddings 20/30/40 years ago as are there is now. I certainly went to a lot of child free weddings decades ago, and a couple in castles etc. Yes the brides parents tended to pay, and have control over the guest list but they certainly were not all spartan affairs with home made dresses and millions of toddlers.
The six wedding i have been to over the past 2 years similarly varied considerably from rustic buffet in church hall to taking over an entire stately home.

Moveoverdarlin · 23/04/2023 19:43

Aren’t most weddings child free nowadays? I think no kids is the norm. I can’t think of one wedding I went to where kids have been there apart from perhaps very immediate family. I had my brother’s kids but certainly not cousin’s children.

YukoandHiro · 23/04/2023 19:44

Don't you want a night off? Christ, a child free wedding is the ultimate no guilt excuse to have a night away

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