To tell her to poke her wedding!

[Littlepicker]

My wedding (nearly 20 years ago now) involved all of my family members. We have a small family so I had my cousins as bridesmaids and ushers.
This year one of the cousins/bridesmaid is getting married. We got sent our invite but my two children haven’t been invited.
There are literally 20 of us in the family, so obviously my (impeccably behaved) children have been taken off the list to make way for friends.
AIBU to be absolutely furious? I have declined the invitation, much to other family members’ shock, because I feel so strongly that this is not right.
AIBU or is my cousin?

“The parents had that grim, hollow-eyed look I feel I sure I wore myself a few times when DD1 was little.” - from @LightDrizzle

I cackled at this. My brother has the appearance of silently praying for my toddler nephew to not kick off - again - in my photos. It’s now a very familiar feeling to me.

I agree: spare kids from most weddings (except those of close family) and take them to snot play to let rip the next day instead.

I grew up in continental Europe .It must be cultural and that makes sense as British tend to exclude children from lots of events and copy the USA a lot .
As a child I went to all wedding events , and although I haven’t lived there for 23 years I still get invited including my children . My parents live in another European country that still envites children to weddings , as far as I know most still do . My children have gone to 2 family weddings in England with children invited too over the last 13 years but I seem to se emote and more without children .
Funny enough all the great memories I have from weddings I went to involve children . It would never cross my mind to exclude them . Must be a a cultural thing as in the south of Europe children are included on all family events .

Love a proper family wedding with children and elderly relatives- all style over substance these days..if you can’t afford it go and elope. Destination weddings are also annoying..

You should know better than to post about a wedding on mumsnet! People go batshit and stick up for the bridal couple and always say it’s their wedding their choice. I would’ve also turned down the invite in your case, no ways I’d go without my kids. And mine are impeccably behaved. Good for you for saying no.

If someone said to me 'poke' your wedding cos my kidz aren't invited

I'd probably laugh and be glad you're not coming 😂

Oh no, people stick up for the bridal couple - how dare they, don't they know the bridal couple aren't important at all, it's all about the dear little children. Let the bridal couple bankrupt themselves paying for shirt tail relations' meals and have to drop their friends from the guest list. Honestly, if we are going to talk about batshit .........

@Nothingisblackandwhite
Me and my partner went to babysit children whose parents were going to a wedding in France , the children were to be at no part of the wedding

The bride was Polish, so it wasn't an 'English ' wedding, and she had met the children before.

So some continental weddings are also minus children

That’s unusual . We have family in France , Spain , Italy , portugal, Cyprus and the Netherlands and none of our family members had weddings without children . I don’t know anyone who had them either from my friends .

Our daughter in law is Polish so I can only go on her and her friends, They do involve the children in a lot but they certainly have adult only times as well

DP and I are getting married later on this year.
He’s 41, I’m nearly 40, we have 2 of our own DC and most of our family and friends of a similar age have DC’s.
If we invited everybody’s children, there would be over 40 at the wedding, the reception venue has a maximum capacity of 100 people and realistically we can afford to cater for 70.
We are limiting DC’s to our own children plus nephews and nieces. No children of extended family or friends. Also, there are adult extended family members on both sides who we can count on 1 hand the number of times we’ve seen them over the past 10 years. Our close adult friends, some of whom we have known since primary school and that we still see regularly and have been a key part of our lives, have trumped them for invites.
Ultimately OP it is up to them who they invite and what you did at your wedding 20 years ago is irrelevant. How disappointed it is reasonable to feel will depend on how close you are to your cousin and how involved she is with your DC’s: if she doesn’t see them very often and have a close relationship with them it’s not surprising she’s chosen friends over them tbh, if she is very much a part of their lives then I guess it’s understandable that you’re disappointed, but they may wish to have an adult only wedding and that’s their choice. Either politely decline the invite, or arrange childcare and go. But getting furious and kicking off will make you look ridiculous.

@Nothingisblackandwhite

lol this!

can you really not comprehend??

yup!

@Pinkfluff76 Weddings are not - and never have been - about children. They are about the bride and groom. Cos they are the ones getting married!
it really is that simple

I would feel the same as you. These events are rare occasions when families get together and looking back on wedding photos of the developing family so lovely. Friends? They aren’t always as permanent. If there’s a choice - which you don’t know. Of course their decision but that doesn’t stop the result being annoying and upsetting and I think a shame.

You are a guest-zilla

Seriously op. Get a grip.

Family aren't always permanent. You can lose contact with them just like friends.

Her wedding her choice. What you did at your wedding 20 years ago is completely irrelevant.

So what your kids aren't invited. Go & enjoy yourself without them or cut off your nose to spite your face & stay furiously at home.

One way or another I cant imagine it'll make much difference to their day

Yes of course. I have exactly that experience which is why I now value early photos which include those family members. I also have a couple of friends who are virtually like siblings who I would include as family. But these are small children. If they get left off this kind of invite the chance of family involvement is decreased.

The culprit here is not the bride and groom, it is the high cost of weddings. If you are having a buffet in the village hall, you can afford to invite more people, but if the venue for your reception charges like a wounded bull for each person you invite, including children, then you have to make some hard decisions. And venues will have maximum capacities too, whereas with the village hall option, you could pack in as many people as you wanted.

Dh and I had a village hall reception, back in the early 90s - because with our budget, that was the way we could afford to invite all the people we wanted there. The local pub did the catering, and because MIL was on the Parish Council, we got a hefty discount on the hall rental. And it was a lovely day - perfect for us - and we did invite some children, though only a couple of the people attending actually had children, so it wasn't a major issue.

Ds1 got married last year, and he and his dw had their wedding at a specific wedding venue, so they had to look at their budget, and cut their coat to fit their cloth, so it was a smaller wedding, and there were no children there apart from the bridesmaids.

Both weddings were wonderful family occasions - very different, but each perfect in their way.

@mustgetoffmn

they can’t have been that important to you if you lost touch with them

If they get left off this kind of invite the chance of family involvement is decreased.

But those children, will have their own family.
They will have their own cousins, and all the Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents etc on their Dad's side of the family too.
In the OP's scenario, these dc are cousins once removed. In many families that is quite a distant relationship.
I mean, unlike some posters, I grasp that you can be super close to someone who, on paper is quite distantly related, and you can be quite distant from someone who, on paper would seem to be a close relations, but, as a rule, I wouldn't expect to be invited to the wedding of a cousin once removed "just" because you could link them in a family tree.

I would rather invite my friends than my cousins children

I think most people would