To tell her to poke her wedding!

[Littlepicker]

My wedding (nearly 20 years ago now) involved all of my family members. We have a small family so I had my cousins as bridesmaids and ushers.
This year one of the cousins/bridesmaid is getting married. We got sent our invite but my two children haven’t been invited.
There are literally 20 of us in the family, so obviously my (impeccably behaved) children have been taken off the list to make way for friends.
AIBU to be absolutely furious? I have declined the invitation, much to other family members’ shock, because I feel so strongly that this is not right.
AIBU or is my cousin?

YANBU for feeling let down and I understand why. However the idea of ‘family’ is changing and many people regard friends as family - especially as families are (as you point out) in some cases getting smaller and living further apart. So don’t feel that your children have been left off the guess list in favour of less important people in their lives. Some of my adult children’s friends have become like family to me too. My son and daughter in law did not invite anyone to their wedding who did not hold a very special place in their lives (loads of family not invited - but my best friend was for example). You are clearly special to them and they want you there to celebrate with them. I would go to the wedding - if only to show them how much family and your cousin’s future happiness means to you (you could say you were a little hasty declining and circumstances have changed that means you can now attend). Treat it as something you and your partner can cherish.

I get how this is annoying and majorly inconvenient

But it's quite common to exclude kids. And your cousins. Not siblings so the kids are not w close relative of the bride

Oops! * you're

My 2 cousins both excluded my child at their weddings. Given that he was only a baby/toddler, i just sent apologies and felt happy to save myself the bother and expense of attending

Where does it say that the cousin KNOWS the ops children?

Your cousin isn't being unreasonable to invite or not invite children. That's her prerogative and right. However YANBU to feel sad that your kids haven't been invited, and therefore decline the invite yourself. I wouldn't be kicking off about it though!!

When my cousin got married, the invitation I received said no kids (it was meant to be a childfree wedding). That was fine, but I had to politely decline her invite as I wouldn't have had anyone to leave my (then pre-school) DS with. No hard feelings though, it was her wedding. When I got married a year later, I invited kids.

Depends on how well she knows the kids and how often she sees them. There may well be good friends who are closer to her whom she didn’t want to exclude.

Declining seems petty to me but it’s absolutely your right to do so if you don’t fancy it.

I'm still waiting to find out what it means to "tell her to poke her wedding".

Are you coming back @Littlepicker ?

@GoodChat

oh come on

there aren’t any families that like to do everything together!!

everyone needs time away for themselves

if people like this exist like you say, then they really need to get a life/hobbies/ interests outside of their spouse and kids cos if not they will find it devastating when their kids become teens and individuate and …. Gasp! Eventually leave home!

As a number of posters have said, children MAKE weddings

I hear this (in slightly less intense tones) a lot on Mumsnet. What I’ve asked several times, and what no one can tell me, is what you’re supposed to do if you don’t have small children in your family, or don’t have close friends with small children? Who’s going to MAKE your wedding? Are weddings with no children intrinsically shit (or “joyless” as some would have it), even if the reason is a lack of children who would actually make the guest list?

I have a ten year-old niece, but other than that, the youngest person in my family is 22. My closest friends are either childless or their children are grown up. According to you, if I got married tomorrow it would be a miserable occasion. What am I supposed to do - hire a crew of orphans to perform “It’s a Hard Knock Life”?

The Usual responses...

1. "Children make a wedding"

they don't. Having fun with adults makes a wedding (the kids are probably on the corner of the room playing hide and seek.)

1. "Children aren't invited because people nowadays just get married for the perfect Instagram photo."

Yep, sure. People spend thousands on a wedding just for the photos. Not because children end up taking the place of an adult and won't appreciate the day and maybe because some people want it to be an adult affair and might not actually like children.

1. "Back in my day it was cheap wedding in the registry office followed by a big knees up in the local hall".

Where do I even start with this one?? Can't be bothered to tbh.

1. The poster is clearly a troll and I'm sure her children will be impeccably behaved for the babysitter.

As a number of posters have said, children MAKE weddings

Weird. There were 6 kids (between 1 and 11 years of age) at ours last summer and aside from a whizz around the dance floor for the 3 year old they all spent the entire time playing football outside the marquee or colouring in on the floor.

They were no trouble at all but they certainly didn't MAKE the day by any means.

They made no difference at all to anyone's enjoyment of the day, aside from their parents, who may or may not have enjoyed it more without the childcare requirement.

children make weddings
No.... they don't

I think the problem is that there are different ideas of a good wedding.

Adult, smart clothes, sensible, expensive venue, alcohol, fancy food.

vs

Family, aunts, uncles, cousins, children, basic good food, a bar, venue decorated by the family, catering by family.

Both are great, both have their place, the second is made by having family there, including children. Everyone catching up and children playing. You are far more likely to have family there than friends.

The first is more adult, and frankly boring for children. Much more for friends.

The thing is that not all of us have a family that would get together and have a knees up like that. We recently had a party for my MIL 80th. It was rather like a wedding reception in a lot of ways. It was in the village hall and we all contributed. MIL is one of twelve so there was a huge number of people there, from new borns to people into their 90s. There was an Irish band and we had a smashing time. In that kind of event children to make it, because it’s family.

As a number of posters have said, children MAKE weddings

Utter rubbish.

Children do not make weddings. I am willing my friends to go child free so I can off load the buggers and stay up late 🤪

Children make Christmas. They make birthdays. They make Easter even. They do not make weddings.

There might be only 20 people (inc 4 kids) in your family, but what about the groom's side? He might have a large family with loads of kids. It's expensive to feed kids at weddings - they take up space and money that could have been used on guests who actually mean something to the couple and children change the dynamic of an event. Maybe they are being fair and excluding all children. Or just want the specific kids that mean something to them!

The world isn't obliged to love your kids and welcome them to everything - a cousin's child is quite a distant connection.
Weddings are expensive - naturally a b&g want their friends present more than a cousin's children.

Random colleagues and friends people haven't known long, being prioritised over FAMILY is not something that is familiar to me. Invite BOTH yes, but favouring friends and colleagues over family FOR YOUR WEDDING, and excluding family in favour of friends, is batshit and weird, and a bit tragic truth be told.

Not everyone likes their family. Not everyone should like their family. Other than my parents, I'm closer to all my friends than I am to my family.

Individuate ?? Is this a new Americanism?

I can’t grasp the no children rule at weddings , ir was never like this years ago

You do know us in person, I do not doubt that if you bothered to air your judgments of how other people organise and pay for a wedding to other family members you'd find your views outdated, strange and bitter.

As posted previously, it is an invitation not a summons get over yourself.

I can just see the headlines tomorrow. “Woman Stunned to Discover Things Different From Years Ago”. It’ll wipe Raab’s resignation right off the front page.

I was born in 1970 in Yorkshire and went to no weddings as a child!

I went to lots of weddings in to 90s onwards and babes in arms were often present but rarely children unless the couple’s own. Most weddings had adult bridesmaids.

I’m sure neither of us is lying but you have to conclude it’s tricky to say what the norm was.

I think a lot of children like the idea of a wedding; bride looking like a princess, food, party, but the vast majority are bored witless by the reality and unsurprisingly are prone to running around squealing during the ceremony, wedding breakfast and speeches and having tantrums. The three weddings I’ve been to with young children (as opposed to babies) saw them disrupting things at points. The worst wasn’t actually bad for us guests, but awful for the child’s parents, who were the sister and BIL of the bride, as they missed most of it tag teaming with their little girl who was having the mother of all tantrums. They are friends of mine and she wasn’t normally like that but just couldn’t cope I assume. The parents had that grim, hollow-eyed look I feel I sure I wore myself a few times when DD1 was little. Such a shame as the sisters are close and she was Maid of Honour and I’m sure wanted to enjoy it.

@LuckySantangelo35 you're clearly choosing to misunderstand everything I've said.

I was born in 1970 in Yorkshire and went to no weddings as a child!

I was a flower girl twice in the early 80s. They were the only two weddings I went to as a child.

One of them had three child flower girls and we got to attend the (long, very boring) service and the photos and then got collected! Didn’t even get to go to the meal.