To tell her to poke her wedding!

[Littlepicker]

My wedding (nearly 20 years ago now) involved all of my family members. We have a small family so I had my cousins as bridesmaids and ushers.
This year one of the cousins/bridesmaid is getting married. We got sent our invite but my two children haven’t been invited.
There are literally 20 of us in the family, so obviously my (impeccably behaved) children have been taken off the list to make way for friends.
AIBU to be absolutely furious? I have declined the invitation, much to other family members’ shock, because I feel so strongly that this is not right.
AIBU or is my cousin?

It’s very unlikely that it’s specifically about you children, more likely that if yours came those of others would also need an invite and completely change the occasion. We had just close family children, not because we wouldn’t have liked friend to bring theirs, but because if we had over half our guest list would’ve been under ten, and we didn’t fancy a kids party!
It’s up to you if you don’t want to go, bút no need to create a drama over it, it’s not about you.

@Snaaaaacks

I think it's rude to exclude family members, weddings are about family, not getting drunk and lewd.”

in your opinion

some people like drunk. It’s fun sometimes. Also, why lewd??

Yes of course! I have 3 friends/friendships that have lasted 12-15 years, and a couple I have been friends with for 25+ years... But the majority of friendships have fizzled out over the years, like they do for MOST people.

I am still (shockingly) very much in contact with my whole family, cousins AND their children. And aunts and uncles. I find this whole snarky 'I hate my cousins and their children' attitude from many here quite depressing and a bit weird.

Random colleagues and friends people haven't known long, being prioritised over FAMILY is not something that is familiar to me. Invite BOTH yes, but favouring friends and colleagues over family FOR YOUR WEDDING, and excluding family in favour of friends, is batshit and weird, and a bit tragic truth be told.

Also weird is people saying they prefer going to weddings WITHOUT their children. FFS, why do so many people dislike being around their own FAMILY, their own flesh and blood, and even their own CHILDREN? Batshit!

I absolutely detest people who feel like they’re entitled to an invite to include additions just because of who they invited to theres/who they are etc.

their choice, their wedding.

I’ve never met any of my cousin’s children, yet some of my friends I’ve known for over 25 years.

Different people lead different lives, batshit isn’t it.

I am going to remember that first line. I am a people pleaser and must remember this. Thank u

Batshit to prioritise friends you've known for a few years over family yes.

Weddings are actually about the 2 people getting married. Anyone else who has an invite to witness that is privileged.

Kids can ruin such important moments. Constant noise and faff, coming and going.

YABVU. Why would your children be invited?

Few people actually want kids at their wedding.

I have known more adults ruin weddings - or put a dampener on them - than children..... Usually husbands/boyfriends of the bride's friends, or friends of the bride or groom. Rarely do children 'ruin' a wedding.

The hatred for children on here, even in some cases, cousins and their children, is so depressing.

Well up to you. But its not unusual not to invite everyone in the extended family. Depends how close you all are.,

YABU

Jeez some people on here would have a coronary at DH’s family.

MIL & FIL were one of 15 and 9. DH has a lot of cousins.

Cousins kids never get invited to wedding. Cousins partners never get invited (unless you’re actually in the same friends group). And most cousins only get invited at night, if at all, despite them all being quite a close bunch. Nobody gets their knickers in a twist if closer cousins are invited and they’re not.

We had a blanket rule at our wedding and a cousin of mine went in a mega huff.

We had an alcohol ban at our wedding. We also had a childfree wedding.

A wedding is for and about the two people getting married. Nobody else.

God I love a child free wedding. Doesn’t happen very often but it’s a cracking excuse to get a bit smashed and do the macerena while the kids are at the in laws.

You didn't tell those cousins 20 years ago that their invitation to your wedding was conditional upon you and your family being invited to theirs.

@PrettyMaybug

@Snaaaaacks

This! ⬆️

lots of people feel like this

life can be tough, people work hard - what’s wrong with having an opportunity to let your hair down and partaaaay?!

It seems that whatever else weddings are, for some people it seems to be an opportunity to intrude on the plans of the couple getting married.

I could never imagine saying to anyone, including my parents , that they had an obligation to invite me or my children to an event that they were hosting and for which I was not paying towards the funding. I would hope that my presence would not be missed if I were arrogant enough to complain.

People have such massive senses of entitlement , and they are willing to extend that entitlement to their children.

The level of entitlement on this thread is unbelievable. Just because you share a surname doesn’t mean you get an automatic invitation to someone’s wedding

A wedding is a celebration for the bride and groom and the people in their lives. Just because you are related it doesn’t mean you are an active person in the bride or groom’s circle and therefore are entitled to an invite

I am friendly towards all my cousins when I see them but there are a few who are as close to me as my friends and there are others I only see at funerals. Not because anything has happened, just because our lives are in very different places.

It’s been accepted in our family that cousins don’t necessarily get an invite and nobody has ever kicked off about it

If there are 20 people in YOUR family, presumably your cousin also has other family on her other parents side, plus her DH will have family, again on 2 sides. That could be 80 people if all the families are a similar size to yours, before you even invite any friends. And most people have some friends who are closer than at least some of their cousins, and definitely who are closer than their cousins children. The reciprocal of you having had her to your wedding is inviting you,which she has done, not inviting your kids. And I don't think weddings have to reciprocal anyway. Why do decisions you made 20 years ago about the size or guest list if your wedding need to dictate her day?

You are not unreasonable not to go to a wedding if you can't or don't want to leave your kids. You are not unreasonable to be disappointed about that. You are unreasonable to be so rude about it. Lots of people have child free weddings or don't invite cousins once removed, it doesn't need to be so personal.

I don't understand the angst about having to invite children, or any other member of a family to a wedding. We've always gone if we could get childcare, not gone if we couldn't. I've never had these experiences where the bride/groom had a stop at us. I do wonder why some MNetters have had such problems....I wonder if it is due to their own belligerence.

My first wedding was a naff church + village hall type of do. I hated it. It wasn't what I wanted, or my husband wanted, but it was all we and our parents could afford because of the expectation that family had to be invited...and we wanted our friends there so compromised on venue and everything else. It was cheap and nasty and depressing.

My second wedding was smaller, because by then I'd grown up and to,d various aunts/uncles/cousins to fuck off trying to invite themselves. We had no children other than mine and a couple of friends for them to play with (with their parents of course). We had a better venue, better food, better everything.

My friends are the ones who I've chosen to be part of my life....my family are the ones who I get to decide whether or not I want them in my life.

The people outraged at 'hatred for cousins' please get a grip!

Birth families vary wildly. I have two first cousins I met a couple of times at pre-school age. I have two second cousins I vaguely remember playing with during summer holiday visits to my grandparents at primary school age. I've not seen any of them since then. We're strangers, we've all lived in different countries, and there have never been any invitations back or forth. It's all fine. The fact that we share genetics is a mild curiosity at most.

I notice OP didn't answer my questions about how close she and her children are to the bride in reality. I guess that's an answer in itself.

So if I was to get married tomorrow I should invite the children of my cousin who I’ve not met over my dear friends. That is batshit.

My SIL didn't want kids at her wedding and I was well up for that. Meant I could enjoy the day and get pissed in peace.
I've also had my DDs at other weddings and loved dressing them up and them getting attention.
It wouldn't offend or bother me either way - I think it's highly strung and unreasonable to be so.
Actually at my SIL's no children wedding, our other SIL was furious about it and brought hers anyway - I was really conscious of them squawking through the ceremony and them running around up to the meal when someone collected them. It was a boutique hotel wedding of 20 somethings who weren't into kids - I thought that was just so rude of her not to respect the brides wishes.

Honestly - just don’t go. I wouldn’t be offended as such - it’s up to them what day they have. But I wouldn’t go. “So sorry we can’t attend due to childcare commitments - wishing you a wonderful day.” End of. And they have no right to complain about that either.