To tell her to poke her wedding!

[Littlepicker]

My wedding (nearly 20 years ago now) involved all of my family members. We have a small family so I had my cousins as bridesmaids and ushers.
This year one of the cousins/bridesmaid is getting married. We got sent our invite but my two children haven’t been invited.
There are literally 20 of us in the family, so obviously my (impeccably behaved) children have been taken off the list to make way for friends.
AIBU to be absolutely furious? I have declined the invitation, much to other family members’ shock, because I feel so strongly that this is not right.
AIBU or is my cousin?

I'm Irish and this is exactly why we have weddings. The drunker and lewder the better 😂😜

They simply asked a question, they didn't state that no kids want to go to weddings.

Some do, many don't.

This OP must be a piss take!

The fact that she emphasises so much that they are a small family, I think that they must spend time together, or else the outrage doesn't make sense. However, spending time with family doesn't mean affection for the person, it could be that they both love a grandparent for example. But you do end up knowing a person through seeing them.

I think the cousin would know that the OP wouldn't want to go without the kids. Therefore, if the cousin really wanted the OP there, he or she would have invited the kids too.

@GoodChat

youd rather just care for your own kids do you mean?

Sounds FAB 🥂🕺

Thank you, that's very kind. I can't believe we've been married for so long. It doesn't seem like any time at all since our wedding day and now we have 3 children, 2 of whom are legally adults 😂

@LuckySantangelo35 yes. Some people prefer to do things as a full family unit.

@GoodChat

everything though?

Okay, I have to ask… what the hell does “poke her wedding” mean? Is it like saying “Stuff your wedding” or “Screw your wedding”? And am I the only one who’s never heard this expression?!

No I have been wondering whether to ask that too. 😃

YABU...firstly, it's not your wedding and they invite who they want. Secondly, just because your cousin agreed to be a bridesmaid for you there's no set 'reciprocal' agreement. What's the relevance of there being 20 family members? If that's 20 cousins and cousins kids through your shared grandparents that's a lot. Let's add 20 from her other set of grandparents oh and 40 for the groom cousins and cousins kids etc. That's 80 family excluding siblings!
Times change a lot in 20 years so what you had is irrelevant.
You're probably correct, they prefer to have friends at their wedding rather than cousins once removed....and that's fine. Stay away and make room for 2 more guests.

@LuckySantangelo35 some families, yes.

And some families like to have time apart. But being invited to a wedding and being forced to have time apart isn't a privilege.

We first took our 3 aged 2, 4 & 5, they loved it x Have a great time x

I'm in my 60s and child free weddings have been a thing for as long as I can remember.

How I would have hated to be part of such a stifling family where adults couldn't go anywhere without their children. I can remember often staying with my GM when my parents went out - I'm an only child but my parents still felt they could go out without me, and I'm pretty sure I was perfectly happy not being carted everywhere they went.

Agreed.
I'm not quite 60 yet, but never went to a wedding as a child. My parents went and we had babysitters. My parents got married in the 1950s and there were no children at their wedding. I got married in the 90s and there was one babe in arms there. Overwhelmingly, the many wedding I attended in the 80s and 90s didn't have children at them.
It is clearly to do with what is the 'norm' with the people you mix with, not a new trend at all.

I would deffo tell her to poke it

Lots of people don't invite children and would rather fill the spaces with adults who they want there.

Lots of people aren't able or willing to go to weddings without their children.

Those are facts of weddings. Noone ought to be offended by either or take it personally.

Weddings cost a great deal and venues can be limited on numbers. If I had to choose between paying for friends or paying for cousin’s children, I would pick friends any day of the week. If you don’t want to go then don’t go. To not go because children (that you decided to have) aren’t invited is very unreasonable. Plus the groom will have his own friends and family to consider within the numbers allowed by the venue.
It’s not your wedding it’s theirs, that simple, you have zero say in who they do or don’t invite.

Aaaah, the attitude of SOME people on this thread in a nutshell. Calling children a PROBLEM. Lovely. 🙄 There are some stinking attitudes towards children on here, AND towards family. So many seem to loathe their own family. I pity you. Must be exhausting being so full of vitriol and loathing towards your flesh and blood, and other peoples children. (I am praying that if you have children yourself, you don't feel the same about THEM.)

As a number of posters have said, children MAKE weddings, and I have known way more weddings wrecked (or had a dampener put on them) by adults, than children.

There are some proper miserable feckers on this thread! 'Children? BLEURGH!!!' I despair! And on MUMSNET too MUMS NET. You. Could. Not. Make. This. Shit. Up!!!

As a number of posters have said, it looks like SOME people brides just want the insta-perfect wedding, and don't give a fuck who they offend or upset.

@PriamFarrl

So if I was to get married tomorrow I should invite the children of my cousin who I’ve not met over my dear friends. That is batshit.

Stupid comment. OP is not talking about any distant family that the bride (her cousin) hasn't met. The cousin KNOWS the OP's children. FFS. I give up. The lack of comprehension on here (from some) is breathtaking!

Gosh @PrettyMaybug I think it must be much more exhausting being as angry and worked up as you have been on this thread, which isn't even anything that effects you - it is just a discussion forum on the internet.

No-one is "calling children a problem". People are saying that the logistics of who you get to care for your children, if you choose to accept and invitation to a wedding (or indeed any event to which they aren't invited) is down to the parents of the dc, and not down to the host.

I don't like children at weddings, well anywhere there's highly likely to be very drunk people.

@PrettyMaybug - I have been to child free weddings and ones with children there, and in my experience they were ALL lovely days! I don’t think it is fair or accurate to suggest that the only good/fun weddings are ones where children are allowed - nor do I think it is unreasonable for the bride and groom to have a child free wedding if that is their choice.

Dh and I were invited to his friend’s wedding, and despite his friend being ds2’s godfather, none of our dses were invited. They were very apologetic but their venue only held a certain amount of people, and if they’d invited everyone’s children, they would have had to leave out a lot of their adult friends - so the only children there were the little bridesmaids. It didn’t even occur to us to be insulted or offended at this - we found childcare, went along, and had a wonderful time celebrating their happy day.

We have also been to weddings with all our dses, including ones where we had toddlers and a newborn - and they were wonderful days too.

But the bottom line is that different people want and like different things - and that is absolutely OK. Everyone should have the wedding they want, even if - gasp - that means no children.

Oh, and not everyone on Mumsnet is a mum, or even a parent, and even those of us who are parents are not one single entity, filled with uncritical adoration of our children, or other people’s, 100% of the time - and that is damn well fine too!

Stupid comment. OP is not talking about any distant family that the bride (her cousin) hasn't met. The cousin KNOWS the OP's children. FFS. I give up. The lack of comprehension on here (from some) is breathtaking!

The OP hasn’t made any comment around whether the bride knows the children well or not so unsure where you are making that assumption from. Unless you are the OP under another name which would explain how angry you appear

Regardless, the cousin could be seeing the children every day it still doesn’t mean that she HAS to invite them to her wedding instead of her friends

I think you need to change your perspective a little. There might be 20 people on your side of the family, however your cousin has another side to their family (your aunt/uncle by marriage) who has a family that might be bigger. Your cousins fiancé has a family too which might be much larger. In order to make it fair and keep within the numbers, and also invite their close friends, sometimes sacrifices have to be made and most often that’s children.
I wouldn’t take it personally.

When we got married (many moons ago, late 70s) we invited all my husband's cousins and we were not invited to any of theirs. And to be honest I have never thought about it. Are your children young or older teens, I would say the would probably be bored out of their minds. Especially teenage boys, girls might enjoy the dressing up and having a fuss made of them by the elderly relatives. Wedding reception are really expensive at £50+ per head so you can see why friends may be invited over the younger cousins. Don't be offended if is just the way things are these days, send a card and if you want a small gift and tell them to enjoy their day.