Page 10 | To tell her to poke her wedding!

Littlepicker · 2023-04-23T16:55:03+00:00

My wedding (nearly 20 years ago now) involved all of my family members. We have a small family so I had my cousins as bridesmaids and ushers. This year one of the cousins/bridesmaid is getting married. We got sent our invite but my two children haven’t been invited. There are literally 20 of us in the family, so obviously my (impeccably behaved) children have been taken off the list to make way for friends. AIBU to be absolutely furious? I have declined the invitation, much to other family members’ shock, because I feel so strongly that this is not right. AIBU or is my cousin?

nomoredriving · 24/04/2023 09:57

Is their

SoupDragon · 24/04/2023 10:13

I wonder how many children actually want to go to weddings?

Fandabedodgy · 24/04/2023 10:18

You are being U to be furious and rather pathetic to decline for that reason.

However it's an invite not a summons so you can of course decline.

Aslanplustwo · 24/04/2023 10:28

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BMW6 · 24/04/2023 10:29

I genuinely cannot understand why you are so aggrieved OP.

20 years ago you had the wedding you wanted with the people you wanted invited to attend.

Now a cousin is getting married and you resent their choices for their own wedding?
Because you have such a small extended family you think they should make the same choice you did and include children?

If I understand you correctly you are being incredibly unreasonable and if it doesn't suit you just decline the invitation, but you have no grounds for your fury. At all.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 24/04/2023 10:33

Lol, how dare they invite their friends over your perfect little offspring to their wedding.

Tinktravels · 24/04/2023 10:34

Yabvu, she's probably glad you declined! More space for real friends.

Aslanplustwo · 24/04/2023 10:40

EllenLRipley · 23/04/2023 18:56

MN is very supportive of 'no kids' wedding but I have never been to one and really couldn't be arsed. DD's 18th a few weeks ago was massively improved by loads of dancing toddlers - weddings are family events and I just cba to attend without my DC.

You have led a very sheltered life then. I'm in my 60s and child free weddings have been a thing for as long as I can remember.

How I would have hated to be part of such a stifling family where adults couldn't go anywhere without their children. I can remember often staying with my GM when my parents went out - I'm an only child but my parents still felt they could go out without me, and I'm pretty sure I was perfectly happy not being carted everywhere they went. I did attend one or two weddings as a child and seem to recall being bored rigid.

NewLifter · 24/04/2023 10:48

We didn't attend my SILs wedding due to her not inviting our DC, we had no childcare and one was a breastfed new baby so couldn't be left all day anyway. We didn't create any fuss or drama though, we simply declined the invitation. I wouldn't expect my DC to be invited to my cousins wedding though as its more distant. I don't think you need to create drama, just decide whether or not you wish to attend and get on with your life.

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/04/2023 11:09

Inkypot · 24/04/2023 09:13

A lot of brides lately are into the insta-perfect beige/muted tones, giant tacky displays, children-free and pouty pose weddings. If that's your thing then your choice I guess.
For myself a wedding is a family event, it's a joining together of two families and that includes bringing together the children for the celebration.
Weddings seem to have changed a lot over the years along with the general at attitude to marriage etc. I've even seen people advertising a wedding nanny service! We kept it simple and did activity packs for the kids to keep them occupied during the boring waiting about bits.
The kids were all still dancing at the end of the night so not sure why someone above implied parents leave weddings early! Must be a bloody dull wedding if anyone's leaving early....
OP you aren't being unreasonable to feel how you feel, people can feel however they like about a situation. Your cousin is also not really being unreasonable either, she just has the current modern take on marriages I'm guessing. Let her have her day with her pals and you can do something special for you and your children instead.

@Inkypot

oh yes of course, you’re so right!

if you have a child free wedding you MUST obviously be an Instagram obsessed, image conscious pouty airhead who only cares about the Photos.

What about faaaaaaamily eh?!

user1492757084 · 24/04/2023 11:14

It is upsetting for you. Obviously they are inviting cousins but not cousin's kids for both sides of the family.
I would still accept the invitation and enjoy the celebration.

It is usually fine for neighbours and friends and young uninvited children to be with their babysitter and see the bride in front of the church.

Your kids might like to dress up and do that.

Do your children spend time with your cousin? Do they know her well? I can see why you ar disappointed but it is always a bonus, not a presumption, for anyone to get an invitation to any wedding.

BloodyHellKen · 24/04/2023 11:52

Inkypot · 24/04/2023 09:13

A lot of brides lately are into the insta-perfect beige/muted tones, giant tacky displays, children-free and pouty pose weddings. If that's your thing then your choice I guess.
For myself a wedding is a family event, it's a joining together of two families and that includes bringing together the children for the celebration.
Weddings seem to have changed a lot over the years along with the general at attitude to marriage etc. I've even seen people advertising a wedding nanny service! We kept it simple and did activity packs for the kids to keep them occupied during the boring waiting about bits.
The kids were all still dancing at the end of the night so not sure why someone above implied parents leave weddings early! Must be a bloody dull wedding if anyone's leaving early....
OP you aren't being unreasonable to feel how you feel, people can feel however they like about a situation. Your cousin is also not really being unreasonable either, she just has the current modern take on marriages I'm guessing. Let her have her day with her pals and you can do something special for you and your children instead.

@Inkypot it isn't the 'modern take on marriage' not to invite children and it's not some Instagram trend either. Sometimes it's just practical.

We got married over 20 years ago and didn't invite children because the reception venue was tiny (~ 22 guests each including family) and there is a huge mismatch between my enormous breeder-tastic family and my husbands miniscule family.

I wasn't going to not invite very close friends in favour of children I had never met/cousins I never see from one decade to the next. Some people weren't happy but I dare say after 20 years they've got over it by now 😂

Inkypot · 24/04/2023 12:42

@BloodyHellKen that's different though, when numbers are limited it makes sense. But OP's post doesn't seem to suggest that this is the case here- though granted we don't know for sure.
The Insta bit is referring to the aesthetic of a lot of the kid-free weddings I've been to over the past few years so it's from experience as a guest.
Congratulations on your 20 years, great to hear about a happy lasting marriage! ❤️

Inkypot · 24/04/2023 12:46

@LuckySantangelo35 😂😂😂 wow. I'm trying to work out what accent to read "faaaaaamily" in as can't help reading it in a classic Eastenders voice 🤣

londonrach · 24/04/2023 13:26

Her wedding her choice. They paying for the wedding so can invite who they want. You can decline the invite if you don't want to go. Aibu to be upset re your children not being invited.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 24/04/2023 13:32

My cousin’s daughter is getting married next year. My dad has got a bit huffy that my niece isn’t going to be a bridesmaid, on the basis that my sister and I were bridesmaids at our cousin’s wedding and her daughter (i.e. the bride to be) was bridesmaid to my sister.

I've told him he needs to be realistic and accept that there are more degrees of separation now; that your mother’s cousin’s daughter isn’t an obvious choice for bridesmaid. Also, families expand and change over time. We were the only young girls in the family when my cousin got married, whereas her daughter has three young female cousins and the groom has three young nieces - all of whom are essentially “ahead in the queue”.

You simply can’t expect an automatic invitation for your children based on what happened at another wedding decades ago. Don’t go to the wedding - but don’t be surprised that your family find it ridiculous.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 24/04/2023 13:38

PrettyMaybug · 23/04/2023 20:12

Eeeek, you are getting a shit time on here @Littlepicker I'm so sorry

Of COURSE YANBU to be miffed, when someone's friends and work colleagues come before your children - the bride's COUSIN'S children. But it does seem to be quite commonplace these days (with some couples) to invite people they have known a year or two and NOT invite their cousins and/or cousins children, and even aunts and uncles are excluded.

These people will be out of your cousin's life waaaay before you and your children, and she will regret not inviting your children. (AND having you not go too!) You have every right to say you are not going, but do expect your family/cousin to be pissed off. (They have no right to be btw!)

This 'I thought you'd be grateful for a night off' trope baffles me. They thought people would be grateful for a night off over and above being invited to a wedding with their CHILDREN. You're not asking for/expecting your fucking DOG to come. These are your CHILDREN FGS!

Also, these people who expect others to come to their wedding without their children, who the fuck do they think is supposed to look after the children? Very selfish excluding children from weddings IMO.

Stick to your guns. DON'T GO.

There’s so much to pick apart in this reply - not least the oil slick of capital letters - but I’m going to highlight one key point, which is that it’s not uncommon for couples who’ve only known each other a year or two to get engaged. By your logic, a lot of weddings simply shouldn’t happen at all, regardless of guest list. Or is there some kind of mathematical equation, where a friendship has to be have lasted at least 2.25x as long as the engaged couple’s relationship before said friends merit an invitation?

Of course it’s not unheard of for friendships to drift - but you do realise this happens in families too? (Especially when family members kick up a fuss about who gets invited to a wedding…) There is absolutely zero guarantee that the bride and groom’s friends will be “out of their lives waaaaay before” the OP.

GoodChat · 24/04/2023 13:40

@LuckySantangelo35 that doesn't mean you should feel privileged for having to go through the the effort it entails getting your children cared for elsewhere when you'd rather just do it yourself

SunnySaturdayMorning · 24/04/2023 13:51

@PrettyMaybug Nobody cares who looks after your kids. They’re your problem, no one else’s.

thesurrealist · 24/04/2023 13:53

Batshit to prioritise friends you've known for a few years over family yes

You know the saying "you can chose your friends but not your family?"

Well, some of us chose our friends because they enhance our lives and choose to avoid our family because they are just a drain.

I know some of my cousins, second cousins, nieces, nephews and their kids about as well as I know the people on here....they aren't people I want in my life and aren't people that I share anything with other than random bits of DNA.

Inviting family just because of those random bits of DNA is alien to some of us.

luckylavender · 24/04/2023 13:54

Runnerduck34 · 23/04/2023 18:17

Im not keen on the trend not to invite children. Weddings used to be more of a family celebration now its a party for friends.
Ime children are rarely bridesmaids now, its usually friends of the bride.
I was looking back at old photos with my mum and wedding photos are a great visual record family members, weddings are also a good way keeping family bonds.
However its the bride and grooms day and what you choose to do 20 years ago is irrelevant , if they choose not to invite children then thats their choice. Your choice is either find childcare (which can be a pita) or decline invite.
But yes I was always a bit miffed if our DC werent included in family weddings, partly because they loved the experience of going a wedding and partly because childcare finding childcare was extremely difficult.

I got married 32 years ago this year. Child free weeding (with a few exceptions). I would 100% do the same again. Not your business.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 24/04/2023 14:00

The reason weddings were family affairs was because one family was basically selling their daughter to the other. It was more about the union of the families and how it made them look instead of being a union of the two individuals.

Nowadays many people rely more on close friends than they do extended family. I wouldn't even recognise my cousin's kids if they were walking down the street (unless they were with my cousin's). My cousin's kids weren't there for me when I lost my job, when dealing with illnesses, my MH breakdown etc. My friends were. So, to be honest, friends are more important to me than some distantly related child.

kitsuneghost · 24/04/2023 14:03

SoupDragon · 24/04/2023 10:13

I wonder how many children actually want to go to weddings?

I liked them as a child
Hate them as an adult

Mortimercat · 24/04/2023 14:23

I wanted my nieces and nephews at my wedding, but I can understand that including children of cousins could be stretching the budget or simply be more children than desired. And I would have thought most couples would want close friends above cousins children if they had to pick.

Regardless of personal opinions on child free weddings, most people know that it is what some couples will choose and to be furious is just a ridiculous over reaction.

Mortimercat · 24/04/2023 14:26

SoupDragon · 24/04/2023 10:13

I wonder how many children actually want to go to weddings?

Oh god not this again.

When I was a child, I always enjoyed outings, definitely ones involving food and dancing, so yes including weddings. Is it early that hard to believe?