To be so disappointed that DD has tanked her A Levels?

[Minfilia]

DD18 has always been a bright kid, but completely fails to apply herself.

She has anxiety which has ended up with school avoidance - so I changed my working hours so I could drop her for the lessons she had and she could come home for free periods as she said that would help.

She then still found it too much and dropped one of her subjects with the promise she would do better in the others.

Yet she’s dropped from B to D grades in both and now school want her to take the lower AS level courses. So she will come away with 2 lesser qualifications and may not even do well in those.

She also has zero plans for post school (which finishes in weeks!) - no desire to work and no desire to go to uni.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I have no idea what to do to motivate her as she just seems to want to sit around and do nothing!!

Maybe Google autistic burnout. Your adult male autistic brother will not present the same way as an 18 year old female. You mention social skills etc, maybe she's been masking for so long that she can't take any more. My daughter hit that around age 13 and barely got out of bed for a year. Don't let it get to that stage. It does sound like you're doing all the right things, so maybe reset your expectations of her and the next steps? I've had to do that a lot with my now 16 year old who's barely attended school much since age 11.

If you have an autistic brother and your Dd turns out to have it chances are a parent/s does too.
So she isn’t an odd one out but one of several in the family

This is me at 18 😂
Not to worry, if I’m any example, she’ll go on to start working, learns skills and work ethic along the way and ends up making 6 figures, leading a department and having a family by 32 😅

Exactly. Behaviours that seem normal to a parent may not be so normal after all… especially when the parent is undiagnosed autistic themselves.

Ask me how I know 😅

I would be worried not disappointed, she needs her anxiety medication potentially reviewing and I would suspect she is also depressed. I am concerned that the counsellor discharged her for non attendance and I would look at what further support is available for her through the GP or school - camhs referral etc? or privately if you are able.

There are a number of self help books which are aimed at teenagers which are helpful and my son found the ‘tapping’ method alongside some mindfulness supported him (although he had a panic attack in 2 of his 6 a-level exams and bless him he didn’t do that well). We made homelife positive, and tried to do simple things that my son liked in order to try and support him e.g. going to the cinema, card game night, having his mates over for a beer to watch the football.

My son has just dropped out of uni after his first year - he hated every minute but stuck it out just to make sure he was making the right decision- he has applied for 70 plus jobs and is volunteering 2 days a week as a year 2 teaching assistant and 2 days a week in the local animal sanctuary. Its all unpaid but it’s something while he is trying to get a job. We have paid for his DBS for school and a number of courses on line (safeguarding level 1, working with children with learning disabilities etc) which he found interesting and added to his CV - some were an hour long some where half a day. We are trying to support, whilst building his confidence (multiple job knock backs have been damaging) whilst paying for things that may make a difference.

I hope that helps - but my focus with your daughter would be her mental health and well being.

My son did this and ended up being asked to leave 6th form as he very rarely turned up. He ended up dropping out and more or less sofa surfing for a year at his brothers or friends houses which was extremely worrying but he came out the other side. He has just completed an apprenticeship to HND level in mechanical engineering and now gets paid more than me. I just sent him apprenticeship vacancies that I saw but put no pressure on him to apply and eventually he replied and said will you help me do my CV. It was almost like he just needed to step away for a bit. Hopefully your daughter will do the same.

Son is only 15 but w've been arguing all year about exams and then I thought back to my own exams. I scraped most of them, went and did a course I didn't want to to please everyone else, worked in a job I hated for years and now am on minimum wage job but job satisfaction is through the roof. I was talking to my friend and she was saying throughout school everyone said to her parents 'oh if she does badly it'll scare her'. It really doesn't and SHE is now in a well paying job because aged 23 she found a course she wanted to do, studied her ass off and got an extremely good job. She said to me, your job is to raise a son who's a good person and point him in the right direction and hope he figures it out, but he's a good person already and you just have to remember that and not have him hate you for making him into what you think he ought to be. That night I sat down with my son and binged some Marvel and had a laugh. I'm probably not much help but best of luck op

My DS did do his A levels - got amazing grades - but hisMH was shot to pieces by the end of the exam period and it’s been very up and down this year too - he’s had one set of therapy and I’m about to pay for another one. Thankfully he does work p/t, still don’t know if he’ll go to uni in Sept after deferring last year. It is very hard & frustrating to deal w a teen with anxiety esp if they won’t engage w therapy or meds & they’re clever as well as it feels they’re ‘wasting’ their life.

Sounds a bit like myself at that age
my mum same as you wasn’t going to let me do nothing. I got a job in an office which I hated but that paid for dance classes which I loved. After a year or so I realised I needed some more qualifications to get a job I enjoyed. Went back to college got some qualifications and got a job I enjoyed! Just be supportive and try and get her into a hobby she can be passionate about? Dancing worked wonders for me. I work with horses now.

Same here with my DD @Minfilia - spectacular fail to even sit A levels, 3yrs working in various low paid jobs, did an access course, did well, got onto the uni course she wanted, got a First, now finishing her Masters. Two of her friends did the same - went to Uni as mature students - they needed a few years out of school before they felt ready to start learning again.

Universities love mature students - they are there to learn not just because it was the next step they were being pushed onto. She just might not be ready.

This was me many moons a go. I was being graded A/E for all me A levels (ability/performance). I tanked but got on a course at an old style Poly (dating myself there), dropped out after a year, started working and dropped out again.
My parents at the end of their took me a specialist career consultant where I spent a day of tests and interviews (IQ / Personality, the whole nine yards). The upshot was they helped focus me on what i wanted, it was a real eye opener and got my priorities straight. I ended up going back to get my degree and have enjoyed a successful career living and working in various parts of the world. Yes I have had some luck along the way, but it could have been so much worse. Maybe your daughter just needs that expertise/someone to help her find her focus.

Yep, sounds like me @happyumwelt. I am older so did O Levels no problem but the wheels came off in 6th form as soon as I was required to learn more independently and plan for the future. I just couldn’t do it, couldn’t concentrate, felt overwhelmed. I didn’t know what it was then. My DD was the same but I still didn’t really know about ADHD then. She was very anxious and overwhelmed with an outward appearance of being lazy and flakey. It was only when I realised she was exactly the same as I was at that age that I began to research and understood the different manifestations of ADHD in girls. My DD was diagnosed at 16 and me at 52. It’s been a revelation tinged with regret for all the struggles I’ve had.

@Minfilia I wonder if what’s behind the anxiety is a huge sense of overwhelm due to problems with executive function; problems with prioritising, organisation, focus etc? I’m not making an armchair diagnosis but it’s worth looking at possible causes. I wonder what therapy she has refused to continue with. It can be difficult to stay the course if it’s something quite active and challenging like CBT. It may need to be structured and broken down to take into account of neurodivergence (if that is relevant).

The other thing that is tough for this cohort is that they haven’t taken “proper” public exams before as their GCSEs were messed up by Covid. My DS is about to take A Levels and though he is fine he reports quite a few meltdowns about the upcoming exams among his year group at school. In fact the pandemic is still affecting young people and for those struggling with learning difficulties, ND etc it’s been pretty catastrophic.

The “get tough” advice is going to be wholly unproductive if she is ND.

This was me many years ago, although my anxiety went undiagnosed.
I started 6th form, didn’t want to be there, didn’t like the subjects I’d chosen and wondered what on earth I was going to do with my life. Never had a career in mind, no help from work experience teacher at school as the only path was university which I also wasn’t interested in. I ended up failing all but one of my AS-levels and dropped out.
I was very underconfident at that age, I couldn’t even answer the house phone if it rang. But my mum wouldn’t let me sit around, she made me get a part time job and I finally felt like I’d achieved something when I passed the interview for a shop, I stayed there for a year and during that time I decided that I did want to go to university so made arrangements to do an access course at college which gave me a-level equivalents. What I’m trying to say in a long winded way is that sometimes people need time to think and build confidence, I’ve only just reached a point where I’m happy with my career and my choices and I’m 40 soon, and all these massive life decisions are even harder to make when dealing with mh issues.

Please remember female ASD can present VERY differently to male ASD. My daughter’s ASD presents as overwhelm and dis-regulation - extremely capable educationally but struggling so much with the politics and social systems within secondary school. School would NEVER have picked up on ASD, it was only after self harming led her to CAMHS that her psychologist got to know her and saw the signs. She FAILED to
meet the criteria for autism at the on the day ASD assessment, but her psychologist fought for further assessment and she had meetings with the consultants and pushed for the diagnosis. Not sure how much the diagnosis helps, but am sure it will force school to help her more (she’s only 14)

So please don’t discount ASD - she might not get a diagnosis but do a bit of research on relevant symptoms and how this impacts on her. It might help you and others in the family to keep finding ways to support her. She has many more opportunities throughout her life to go back to education if that’s what she wants to do. My DD has a hobby she is passionate about and that has pulled her through some difficult times - I don’t ever apply any pressure, the self harming frightened the life out of me tbh.

I hope she is feeling better soon. Try not to worry too much. She can always do a foundation year if she chooses to go back into education. I left school at 15 without qualifications - degree, halfway through my MA and considering a phD. It is not the end of the world - her health is more important.

I think I have a different take on this to some. DH and I went to the same school. We were in the same class. Both turn 39 soon. I was traditionally clever and got good grades at GCSE and A-Level (As and Bs), did the whole uni thing and have a professional job. DH was essentially failed by school. Some years he had an attendance of 23%. He was clever too but was failed. He got GCSEs. About 7 all Cs. He went on to join the army when we were 16. He did well in the army and became a sergeant. Left after 15 or so years. He never went on to get any further book or academic qualifications.

This is a long story. But essentially. I did well in school traditionally and he didn’t. We both have really good jobs now. We earn pretty much the same (me a little higher but really not even worth commenting on) over £50k in a rural northern place. Good salaries.

Dont worry about your DD. Things will turn out ok in the end. School works for some. It doesn’t for others. People get where they’re going when they get there.

it really isn’t worth worrying or being disappointed about.

She needs support but firm guidance. I didn't have anxiety but did well at gcse with night before cramming then completely tanked all bar Art at A level had gotten in on my pre-degree art course but then not on to my desired degree course. Took a year out that turned into 15 went back to uni mature student working full time not in desired degree career had 2 babies graduated and took 5 years to build up the courage to leave the career I started in my year out and progressed in to work in my desired career (far cry from art /design but still in construction using one of my favourite subjects at highschool that I was bored in every lesson as never pushed or challenged)
My dad always said to us I will support you financially while you are in ft education though you can also help fund your leisure with a pt job but the minute you leave ft education is the minute you get a job and learn to support yourself and that's something I will teach ours.
Have you discussed degree apprenticeship with her? Looking at what drives her passion. Mine are y7 and 8 but for the last 2 years I have discussed the different options and why a degree apprenticeship is an amazing route to do. Get paid to work, learn on the job, do uni 1 day per week and 5 years be fully qualified and earning no debt. This maybe a good route for her as long as her anxiety /lack of drive is addressed good luck op x

Women are very good at masking. Symptoms can be different than those in males. As a teacher, taking CPD courses in ND topics I didn’t recognise myself in the materials (perceptions are now changing and we are all recognising much more).

Re therapy - if she is ND (and I’m not saying she definitely is) then pick one that actually works in that field otherwise it is generally a swing and a miss

I got diagnosed in my late 30’s - and it explains a lot. I did well at school until A Levels and it went to pot because the structure and routine completely changed and I lost interest despite previously loving school. I didn’t have social or behavioural issues and am intelligent so no one suspected anything apart from that I’d just had enough.

Have a look at Additude online - they have articles that you might benefit from and you can gently talk to DD about them if you think it might fit. She may not take the view that you think something is wrong with her, she might be relieved to understand herself a bit further if she is indeed ND.

I wish you both well, it is a hard situation you are all going through

I would chat to her school/college and GP and go from there we have 1 of our daughters who had anxiety and is having CBT therapy. I know you said you have had referrals but see what else could be done. xx

This is very difficult for you to watch. My advice, take pressure of her. She sounds depressed. Get a GP appointment for her. It's a very slow process. Try to spend time with her support her. If you can, try to take trips out in nature/ sea/ water. She's her things, places outside her usual. She will get there in the end. The pressure gets too much and they shut down.

I think you may need to show a bit of tough love here. She needs to get a job if she doesn’t plan to further her education. If she’s blaming her anxiety then she needs to get her ass to therapy. Doing nothing is not an option

Be patience & understanding but firm. It’s in her best interest she an adult now so she needs to start getting her act together.

Doing nothing can be an option. My DS is on LCWRA and pip. 4 years after his crash he has just started walking to the shops and getting dressed most days. I am just glad he's alive tbh.

Sounds as though she's depressed and feels under too much pressure to perform. Have you asked her to be honest about how she is feeling and assured her you will listen and not judge? Saw an intersection thing about patients in palliative care being asked what their biggest life regrets were. By far the most common answer was 'Having lived a life that someone else wanted me to rather than what felt right to me.' My cousin's son totally rocked his GCSEs and A levels (no pressure from parents though) went on to university and quickly decided it wasn't for him. He went on a gap year, and now works in a job in the open air which he loves.
His sister worked really hard to get a degree, masters etc, ended up with a debilitating illness and now can't work at all. Meanwhile, my brother went to university, didn't achieve to his expectations and committed suicide. I would much rather take off any pressure and give my children the time and space they need during the massive physiological and neurological overhaul that is adolescence (and science has demonstrated continues into the mid 20s) than risk a negative outcome for my children which they or I would regret for the rest of our lives.
Maybe this academic path just isn't the right one for her.

My DS1 tanked 2! Lots of A levels, did foundation course but then went on to get a Masters in Physics. My other DS did an apprenticeship with day release at college for NVQ. Whilst it's very stressful as a parent your child will turn it around and there is more to life than qualifications. As background Both I and my DH are not university educated. I feel your pain but have faith in your child.

Sorry but this post & the comments are the reason teenagers struggle with exams and anxiety. You put so much pressure on them to do well, yet the school system is flawed and is basically only designed to work for a specific type of person. Support them and encourage them to pursue something they enjoy, the “good” job will follow in time. Not every career has to be based around university. They are only 18 years old. Their mental health is more important than grades they get at 18.