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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed that DD has tanked her A Levels?

267 replies

Minfilia · 23/04/2023 17:24

DD18 has always been a bright kid, but completely fails to apply herself.

She has anxiety which has ended up with school avoidance - so I changed my working hours so I could drop her for the lessons she had and she could come home for free periods as she said that would help.

She then still found it too much and dropped one of her subjects with the promise she would do better in the others.

Yet she’s dropped from B to D grades in both and now school want her to take the lower AS level courses. So she will come away with 2 lesser qualifications and may not even do well in those.

She also has zero plans for post school (which finishes in weeks!) - no desire to work and no desire to go to uni.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I have no idea what to do to motivate her as she just seems to want to sit around and do nothing!!

OP posts:
ChrisPPancake · 23/04/2023 21:07

As long as you're disappointed for her and not disappointed in her.

rowanoak · 23/04/2023 21:08

I don't think it's a huge deal. Not everyone wants to be an overachiever or go to college. Just let her be her and figure out her own way- which probably won't be the same as YOUR preferred way. Our children are their own people with their own preferences and desires.

h3ll0o · 23/04/2023 21:17

Minfilia · 23/04/2023 17:57

Oh and there’s not a chance she’s smoking weed or taking drugs! She never sees her friends anymore for a start and is only interested in her online friends.

Chances of ADHD/autism are slim too. Aside from school avoidance there are no signs. My brother is autistic and she doesn’t show any of the symptoms.

My first thoughts were ADHD as she’s showing all of the classic signs. Like many women with ADHD I was diagnosed with anxiety first.

If you were in her shoes and had been mis-diagnosed, weren’t meeting age repeated expectations, were falling behind your peers, weren’t receiving the help you needed and your struggles where now being met with disapproval from your mother how would you feel? It’s no wonder her issues are being exhasberated

OhwhyOY · 23/04/2023 21:23

I would agree with PPs that this sounds like depression not just anxiety. It's very common at this kind of age. Is there anything she seems to enjoy at the moment? If not I'd be investigating a medication change with her GP (or ideally with a psychiatrist) to get her onto something that could help witj depression. What kind of therapy was it she turned down? Cognitive behavioural therapy could be useful if she has recurring negative thoughts patterns and catastrophises a lot.

pfftt · 23/04/2023 21:26

Hankunamatata · 23/04/2023 17:33

I tanked mine with 3 Ds. Scraped into at decent uni in clearing onto a degree I hated, luckily switched at the end of first year to degree that needed much higher points (I'd shown in the year on the hated degree that I could work and score well) Ended up with 2:1 and have had a decent career so far

It taught me that I needed to work and tanking A levels was a kick up the bum I needed

Sadly no decent uni would take 3xD at clearing these days

pfftt · 23/04/2023 21:28

PonyPatter44 · 23/04/2023 17:45

My DD also tanked her A-levels, in that she was simply too unwell to take them. As soon as I said she could leave school without taking them, her mental health improved significantly. She had a part time job in a restaurant so she upped her hours at that to pretty much full time, and then she got a decent civil service job. She's currently saving like a mad thing for a house deposit, and has just been promoted at work. I am incredibly proud of her.

May I ask how she got the CS job with no qualifications? And what sort of job was the entry level one? I'm so glad she is doing well.

3luckystars · 23/04/2023 21:36

I would start with an assessment and work from there. All the best.

poetryandwine · 23/04/2023 21:37

Deep breath, OP.

You can’t know what’s wrong. But I am in a STEM subject that attracts our share of neurodiverse students and I’ve had a couple of ND young women as personal tutees. I didn’t raise the possibility because I don’t like diagnosis from afar but amongst others (such as depression) I too think it is there.

And whatever this is, it very likely can be solved. But yes, if DD really cannot engage with the world in any way —- and maybe she can if you explore together —- I stand by the statement that you need to do all in your power as her mother to get her help. At a guess she may need a clinical psychologist with a PhD for diagnosis, because there are so many possibilities. If therapy is indicated, I tend to think finding someone she will trust (who has decent qualifications) is the most important thing.

Best wishes to you both

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 23/04/2023 21:38

I’d take one small step at a time.
Don’t pressure her at the moment about what happens after her exams.
Let her sit the exams first.
Worrying about the future is just going to make her more anxious

VincentVaguer · 23/04/2023 21:39

EllenLRipley · 23/04/2023 17:32

I work with young people in your DDs situation. I strongly advise you not to finance her when she leaves school. No qualifications is fine, lots of people don't have them. "Bright" is a meaningless word. She needs to get an entry level job and start her adult life. This is a critical time for you both. She needs support, but not indulging in any way.

Really? Wow.

VincentVaguer · 23/04/2023 21:41

pfftt · 23/04/2023 21:26

Sadly no decent uni would take 3xD at clearing these days

Show quote history

Maybe not 'mumsnet decent', but she'd get in somewhere to do something.

VincentVaguer · 23/04/2023 21:43

My dd, with no neurodivergence, tanked her A levels and got CCD. She got a place through clearing at Swansea, absolutely loved it, ended up with a 2.1 and then got a place to do a Masters in physiotherapy. She's now working in the NHS and doing brilliantly.

Nameandgamechange123 · 23/04/2023 21:48

In the same boat OP. DD has a history of anxiety/self harm/school avoidance. She used to be so bright and hard working and has now lost all interest in getting her A levels and will not discuss the possibility of other routes of education like apprenticeships. It's really difficult for us as we don't feel well can apply any pressure and risk her going downhill again but equally we don't want her to suddenly be left out while her friends move on to uni/other courses/jobs etc. So I totally get what you're going through. Something has gone badly wrong for a great many teenagers in the past few years. It's so sad.

Nn9011 · 23/04/2023 21:49

Quite often teenage girls are fobbed off as having anxiety or depression where boys will be considered neurodiverse because the presentation of symptoms is often very different.
If you were to compare my behaviours Vs my brother's growing up you couldn't get more different yet I have ADHD and suspect I could be autistic.
Being neurodiverse also has genetic links so having someone in the family who has a diagnosis would make it more likely.
From what you've described, it does sound a bit like she's reached burn out stage where she's masked for so long she just can't cope any more. This happened to me and it was very scary because it turned into serious depression.
I'm not saying she is neurodiverse of course but I would really encourage you to look at how autism/ADHD presents in girls and women because if you can get her help now it could make such a difference.

missL1987 · 23/04/2023 21:52

I understand you being disappointed, however exams really aren't everything these days. I did well in my GCSE's but didn't go on to do A Levels or go to Uni as I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life post High School & would consider myself successful. Not everybody does know & not everybody is naturally academic. Finishing School is hard when everybody around you is pushing you to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, it's a massive decision to make at a very young age & can lead to wrong choices just to make other people happy, look at how many people today have useless degrees that are of no use to them at all. She's so young, she has time

cestlavielife · 23/04/2023 21:54

She hasnt taken them yet though?!
Let her sit them
Then in the summer consider optiins, different direction etc
Some people take longer to find their way
Complainibg she tanked exams before she had taken them is weird

MissHavershamReturns · 23/04/2023 21:55

I just wanted to say if this is ADHD (I also believe I have adhd, have a dx child) and your posts made me wondered about adhd, then adhd medication can help hugely with study.

My able dc was not achieving to potential until they started taking adhd meds.

slowquickstep · 23/04/2023 21:56

My niece went through this, she dossed for years and even she admits that although she was finding life a bit tough she realised she could stay at home and not join the grown up world because her parents would run after her. Don't fall into that trap. It has taken 13 years to get her to grow up and now she feels her parents made it too easy for her. She feels as though her early 20s have been wasted.

AbbaG12 · 23/04/2023 21:57

Can't diagnose but look into ADHD. It's common for bright kids with ADHD to coast through GCSEs and then struggle with A levels. A levels have a much higher need for self study and self discipline, which is very hard for people with ADHD

Pollydolly13 · 23/04/2023 22:00

It sounds like her anxiety is taking over her choices. I’m sure she isn’t choosing to drop subjects. It sounds like she needs help to deal with the anxiety. Was getting help for the anxiety a step to far. Have you asked her how the anxiety affects her body? I think maybe you both need to educate yourselves on how it affects her and how to move forward. Has she considered the kooth app? Cahms often offer online sessions if she can’t manage face to face. Does she have any hobbies/interests to help her get out the house more if it’s affecting her that way?

Jadey1986 · 23/04/2023 22:00

She’s young, it really isn’t the end of the world. I would be proud that she came away with anything regardless of the grade - that is the achievement here not whether she gets a good grade.
I’d see what she enjoys and look if there is anything to do with that at a college or perhaps volunteering but not give ultimatums or pressurise her to have a plan. This will probably make her anxiety worse and what she needs is patience. Just knowing you will support her regardless is what’s important here.

xx

MissSmiley · 23/04/2023 22:12

ittakes2 · 23/04/2023 18:45

My daughter who passed her 11 plus developed anxiety as a teen and it turned out she was masking inattentive ADHD and she also has PoTS.
These are both very under diagnosed problems mainly with girls. Inattentive ADHD is a busy mind rather than a busy body and PoTS is where during puberty (mostly girls but can be boys) autonomic nervous system fails to develop properly (it does eventually catch up) and the child experiences dips in blood flow to their heart and brain which is balanced by their body releasing adrenaline to increase blood flow...but also triggers flight or fight systems and the child is constantly in high alert. You can tell if someone has PoTs by taking their heart rate when they are lying down and first wake up in the morning and then getting them to stand unaided for 3-4 minutes and taking it again - if their heart rate goes up more than 30 beats a minute (say for example from 90 at resting to 120 standing) than please speak to the GP about possible PoTS.
Please also google inattentive ADHD as symptoms include anxiety and under performing in school.
But honestly....not doing well in her A levels does not mean your daughter's life is doomed. We are looking at alternative career paths for our daughter - ones that don't include University because despite being mentally capable she might not be emotionally ready. We want her to think she has options - having been to university myself I did assume my children would go but I have had to make sure I don't present uni as the holy grail because it is not.

That's so interesting, I have a son who passed 11+ then developed pots, then huge anxiety and school avoidance, basically found it difficult to leave the house because of anxiety and is probably not going to be able to even take his GCSEs, I have questioned ASD but I'm not sure it's that, a friend did point out the finger wiggling thing he does in front of his eyes (since he was 2) is visual stimming. He has an older brother who is undiagnosed Asperger's (or whatever they call it now) and his dad almost certainly is too. I wish I knew more.

elm26 · 23/04/2023 22:13

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/04/2023 17:43

She has been offered counselling but refused to go.

Refuses to go to school (but the way, she is not legally obliged to attend sixth form). And her grades have now tanked. And she is not interested

What is she doing with her time? What does she want to do this or next yer?

I would suspect smoking weed at least. Have you asked her or had this conversation?

If she wants to drop out then fine, but she needs to get a job. Time for tough love indeed.

Please tell me you're joking?

I've had terrible anxiety and depression all of my life. Some days I didn't want to get out of bed as a teen but not in a lazy way, my heart would race at the thought of anyone seeing me and I'd convince myself something bad would happen if I left the house.

I never touched weed or any drug, I also struggled to attend counselling as talking about it made it very real.

Some kids with mental health problems have no chance with people like you judging them and assuming they're doing drugs.

For what it's worth, I'm now almost 30 with a job I love, I'm married to the love of my life and expecting our first baby and my depression/anxiety is under control. Mental heath doesn't equal failure at life.

Climbles · 23/04/2023 22:22

Just put all the demands of life (school, job etc) on hold till she’s better. Keep doing what you are doing, trying to get her out the house and concentrating on well-being and mental health only. If she was out with her pals that would be different but she’s clearly really not very well.

Gruf · 23/04/2023 22:24

Girls mask with autism so can camouflage well with environment. Also every individual with autism presents differently, what with the spectrum being a triad of impairments.

So she’s bright and unmotivated and uninterested in studying? A levels are not the only way. It sounds like an apprenticeship would be much more engaging. Get her some professional careers advice and look at the pathways open to her. It is possible for apprenticeships to take someone from GCSE level all the way to post graduate or masters.

if she’s suffering from anxiety a real workplace (the right workplace) could build her confidence and self worth. Making a valuable contribution, gaining qualifications, skills, a more mature environment could make a big difference.