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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

170 replies

lurkingintheshadows89 · 23/04/2023 11:57

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

I honestly feel like I have the in-laws from hell and they are the main source of arguements between my husband and I. For a bit of background, they live in Sri Lanka and have been against my husband and I from the very start. They had plans for an arranged marriage, something my husband says he would never have agreed to and never wanted.

From the very start, they have tried to break us up. Frequent arguements with my husband about our relationship, trying to get us to change the wedding date as it ‘didn’t work for them’, threats from his dad with physical violence at our wedding. Insults frequently made towards myself and my family.

The first words from her mother to myself after we told them we were pregnant were “I’m glad as I thought you would have problems getting pregnant as you’re so old”. Im 33. No congratulations.

Unfortunately my husband, every single time, defends his parents actions and refuses to disagree with them. He has never defended me when they are making these comments, however afterwards will say that they are out of line, but will never say that to them. He justifies their comments by saying “they aren’t thinking” and seems unwilling to accept how they have treated me is unacceptable.

In contrast, we are both really close to my parents and lived with them for a few months whilst we were waiting for our house to complete. They are currently decorating our nursery for us as we are both working long hours including weekends before the baby comes to save up money. They also live about 10 minutes away so we will rely on them during those first couple of weeks.

We are expecting our first child in August. As they live abroad, my husband and I agreed they wouldn’t visit for at least 4-6 weeks as we need to find our feet and get into some type of routine. The last thing I want immediately after giving birth is his parents who are openly rude towards me in my house. DH had agreed to this and said this was a sensible plan.

He spoke to his parents this weekend and it turns out they have booked flights to the UK without even mentioning or discussing dates withus, arriving 2 days after my due date. When DH said the timing wasn’t great, they disregarded his comment and said they would pop by for a bit, essentially, that they are planning to come whether we want them or not.

I put my foot down and said under no circumstances are they visiting us with a newborn, potentially a couple of days old. Especially when all they have done for the past few years is be disrespectful and rude towards me. DH however fails to understand that they are completely out of line booking flights without even speaking to us and actually started trying to convince me that it was ok for them to visit.

This cumulated in an argument where I essentially said he chooses to out the baby and me before his parents or our relationship is over. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
SuperSange · 23/04/2023 12:07

There's too many words there, but you don't have an in law problem, you have a husband problem. Why on earth you had a child with someone who doesn't have your back is beyond me.

ExtraOnions · 23/04/2023 12:10

In a typical MN way … you have a DH problem not on IL problem. He’s never stood up to them in the past, so why would they start listening to him now ?

That said, if you parents are seeing the baby in the first few days - and it seems that your parents will be seeing the baby at lot, it’s fair that his parents also get to see the baby.

What’s important though, is that this is managed well … take baby for walk, and meet them at the park (so you can leave). Have a convenient meeting at “clinic”, so they have to leave.

I don’t think the issues you have will change if they see the baby when it’s 4 days or 4 weeks old.

catsnore · 23/04/2023 12:18

They are staying elsewhere, right? Just let them get on with it. You may or may not give birth on your due date. You may go over or be early. Let them do whatever they are going to do - it's their choice. Just make it clear to your husband and to them that they are sorting their own accommodation and can only come visit the baby when arranged. If your husband doesn't back you, get angry. Stand up to them all, now. Harness your mama bear. Sounds like you are going to need it. Either they accept you and are civil or they won't see the baby xxx

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/04/2023 12:19

As PPs say, husband problem. However making yourself massively poorer by separating is probably not that smart, not that fair on the baby, and given they live in Sri Lanka, not that necessary. If you wanted to ditch him because of his parents, the time to do that was before you got pregnant.

Anyway, no need to stop them visiting, and you can’t stop them flying in - but 30 mins max or similar, and then as PPs say have an appointment that means they have to go. And if you really think they are going to be a PITA line up your parents to stay with. Then they will go home and it will all be over for a good while.

Thesharkradar · 23/04/2023 12:24

You are not being unreasonable
However it's going to be very difficult to overcome his cultural indoctrination, his parents think that they own him and by extension you and your child, he clearly agrees with this even if he can't put it into words or see it himself.
I would just be so rude and unpleasant to them that they wouldn't want to come in the house, I'd probably also want to punch him in the face every time he opened his mouth.
I'm sorry OP, I just don't know how you can tolerate this.
Another useless maggot man 🤷

cansu · 23/04/2023 12:26

I think expecting them to wait 4 to 6 weeks is unreasonable unless you have similar rules for your parents?

Book them an air bnb for their stay. They can then visit but not stay.

Thesharkradar · 23/04/2023 12:28

You have to be as rude to them as they are to you ....and then add a bit extra just for good measure.
Fight fire with fire🔥
Go for it.... it will be fun 😈

Notimeforaname · 23/04/2023 12:28

I also agree that the problem is your husband.

Notimeforaname · 23/04/2023 12:29

And if he wont stand up to them, you must.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 23/04/2023 12:30

My child was born at 42 weeks. Have they considered the possibility that there will be no baby yet when they arrrive? Lots of first babies arrive after 40weeks, it’s very common.

Weenurse · 23/04/2023 12:32

As long as they isolate for a few days and stay elsewhere, you should be Ok. Use breast feeding as a reason to escape to a separate room. Baby wear at all other times.
Let DH know he is completely responsible for entertaining as you will be focused on the baby.

Supertayto · 23/04/2023 12:34

Big girl knicks. Stand up to them if they are rude to you. Your husband should also have your back but not instead of you having your own. Agree with PP though that you can’t withhold their grandchild from them for 4-6 weeks unless you have a similar rule for your parents. That bit needs to be about the kind of relationship you want to develop between your child and their grandparents, not about your relationship with them. Visitation though, not houseguests.

Olinguita · 23/04/2023 12:45

Will they be staying with you? Or staying elsewhere and visiting? If the latter, I wouldn't mind quite so much if I were you, but your husband absolutely has to have your back and must be responsible for a) entertaining them and b) shutting down any nasty comments and drama from them.
I have been in a similar situation with my DH not standing up to my MIL (similar cultural background) and it was bloody awful. It's really painful when your spouse appears to be so blind to toxic behaviour from their family but my guess they have basically trained him to be like this his whole life, to put their needs first and to minimize all the drama and dysfunction that they dish out.
I'm glad you have your parents nearby. Have you talked to them about what is going on with your in-laws? Do they have your back? My own family definitely made their presence felt when my MIL was being difficult, and while they were perfectly pleasant and hospitable towards her, they made it clear in their own way that their daughter wouldn't be bullied.
Good luck, OP. Keep standing your ground. And don't let these crazies steal your joy at become a new mum.

Cherrysoup · 23/04/2023 12:48

They’re not staying with you, are they?

GretaGood · 23/04/2023 12:59

Arrange that you can stay at your DOs if they get too much.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 23/04/2023 12:59

Thesharkradar · 23/04/2023 12:24

You are not being unreasonable
However it's going to be very difficult to overcome his cultural indoctrination, his parents think that they own him and by extension you and your child, he clearly agrees with this even if he can't put it into words or see it himself.
I would just be so rude and unpleasant to them that they wouldn't want to come in the house, I'd probably also want to punch him in the face every time he opened his mouth.
I'm sorry OP, I just don't know how you can tolerate this.
Another useless maggot man 🤷

While I agree with you, isn’t it usually the mothers who culturally indoctrinate their sons to become these useless maggot men? 🤔

GretaGood · 23/04/2023 12:59

DPs

TheSnowyOwl · 23/04/2023 13:01

That was way too long and badly written for me to read but regardless of your relationship with anyone (excluding your husband) it’s fine to stop visitors in the immediate aftermath. However, you might need to make sure you are fair and don’t have your parents round if you are banning his.

Olinguita · 23/04/2023 13:05

@TheSnowyOwl "way too long and badly written for me to read"? Give over. Did you mean that to come across so unkindly?

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 13:07

I feel sorry for you OP,

BUT...

This is your life because you chose to have a baby with a weak man.

Unfortunately there is nothing but upset and misery ahead of you.

Pack your bags and move home to your parents.

Divorce the weak loser you were silly enough to choose and move on with your life.

You will always come second to his parents.

You married a mummys boy with nasty parents.

Nothing will ever change.

Its your unborn child I really feel sorry for.

You knew they hated you but you thought a child added into the mix was a good idea.

You need to grow up and accept your reality rather than making bad decisions that will only make your life harder.

Move home.
Ditch the weak loser mummys boy.

magneticmoon · 23/04/2023 13:08

Just plan to stay at your own parents house for their entire trip and stick to it. But don't tell any of them this beforehand. You can then relax for the next few months knowing it won't affect you. If the in laws want to meet baby they can do it at your parents house where it will be much harder for them to insult and treat you like poo, as your parents will have your back.

If you don't do this, you are going to experience things like mother in law taking your baby away from you, doing what she wants, your husband won't support you and you will feel powerless. It will ruin your first days with baby which you can never replace.

Right now you have a choice, so be empowered.

Luckygreenduck · 23/04/2023 13:18

Sounds really hard but I wouldn't make 2 weeks or 6 weeks an argument as honestly think 6 weeks could be worse or just the same. They will also be annoyed if your letting your parents see the baby before this.
I would insist your husband takes the time off work while they are visiting. They stay separately and you carry on as normal as much as possible e.g. go for naps, feeding the baby on demand, no cooking/ hosting etc.
I would have found very early easier as you have the excuse of recovering (not an excuse you will be!) for lots of rest. You can send them out with your husband to let you rest.

Thesharkradar · 23/04/2023 13:19

I remember this when I had my first baby, his parents turned up and I became aware that they were expecting to stay with us, they changed their minds pretty quickly when they saw the look on my face.
you have to take control op, shut them down and be as rude as you can

Nimbostratus100 · 23/04/2023 13:21

I think you should let grandparents meet their grandchild for a few minutes in the first few days, it seems incredibly controlling not to. They are not staying with you, let them visit every other day for an hour or something.

Your child will be most likely making the same decision about you one day in the future

Thesharkradar · 23/04/2023 13:21

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 23/04/2023 12:59

While I agree with you, isn’t it usually the mothers who culturally indoctrinate their sons to become these useless maggot men? 🤔

Show quote history

Probably!
frustrated by not having a career or a life of her own she lives through her son and does everything she can to control him and his life
They appear to be offering to help with the baby but what they really want is power and control over the child to compensate themselves for a frustrated life

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