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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

170 replies

lurkingintheshadows89 · 23/04/2023 11:57

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

I honestly feel like I have the in-laws from hell and they are the main source of arguements between my husband and I. For a bit of background, they live in Sri Lanka and have been against my husband and I from the very start. They had plans for an arranged marriage, something my husband says he would never have agreed to and never wanted.

From the very start, they have tried to break us up. Frequent arguements with my husband about our relationship, trying to get us to change the wedding date as it ‘didn’t work for them’, threats from his dad with physical violence at our wedding. Insults frequently made towards myself and my family.

The first words from her mother to myself after we told them we were pregnant were “I’m glad as I thought you would have problems getting pregnant as you’re so old”. Im 33. No congratulations.

Unfortunately my husband, every single time, defends his parents actions and refuses to disagree with them. He has never defended me when they are making these comments, however afterwards will say that they are out of line, but will never say that to them. He justifies their comments by saying “they aren’t thinking” and seems unwilling to accept how they have treated me is unacceptable.

In contrast, we are both really close to my parents and lived with them for a few months whilst we were waiting for our house to complete. They are currently decorating our nursery for us as we are both working long hours including weekends before the baby comes to save up money. They also live about 10 minutes away so we will rely on them during those first couple of weeks.

We are expecting our first child in August. As they live abroad, my husband and I agreed they wouldn’t visit for at least 4-6 weeks as we need to find our feet and get into some type of routine. The last thing I want immediately after giving birth is his parents who are openly rude towards me in my house. DH had agreed to this and said this was a sensible plan.

He spoke to his parents this weekend and it turns out they have booked flights to the UK without even mentioning or discussing dates withus, arriving 2 days after my due date. When DH said the timing wasn’t great, they disregarded his comment and said they would pop by for a bit, essentially, that they are planning to come whether we want them or not.

I put my foot down and said under no circumstances are they visiting us with a newborn, potentially a couple of days old. Especially when all they have done for the past few years is be disrespectful and rude towards me. DH however fails to understand that they are completely out of line booking flights without even speaking to us and actually started trying to convince me that it was ok for them to visit.

This cumulated in an argument where I essentially said he chooses to out the baby and me before his parents or our relationship is over. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
mischlerischler · 23/04/2023 16:32

YANBU - but your DH is your problem here.

If you both made a decision to wait 4-6 weeks then they have to respect that and your DH needs to enforce it.

Hankunamatata · 23/04/2023 16:34

Fine that they come but they stay in a hotel

Olinguita · 23/04/2023 16:36

Of course they should be able to visit.

That much is clear.

But there is a lot of difference between, say, popping round for baby cuddles and a cup of tea every day during their stay on the one hand, and then pitching up as house guests and staying for weeks if not months on end, ESPECIALLY when they have form for aggressive and dramatic behaviour.

I think it's pretty clear which scenario OP is talking about. I know because I've been landed in a similar situation and it is really hard. Actually it is quite terrifying.

This isn't someone being a precious DIL, this is someone who is feeling anxious and vulnerable about people who have form for shitty and threatening behaviour. If folks think OP is being precious then they probably haven't had to deal with relatives like this who have an obsession with control and absolutely zero boundaries.

Olinguita · 23/04/2023 16:41

(sorry that post was really badly written 🤦‍♀️)

PinkPink1 · 23/04/2023 16:42

ExtraOnions · 23/04/2023 12:10

In a typical MN way … you have a DH problem not on IL problem. He’s never stood up to them in the past, so why would they start listening to him now ?

That said, if you parents are seeing the baby in the first few days - and it seems that your parents will be seeing the baby at lot, it’s fair that his parents also get to see the baby.

What’s important though, is that this is managed well … take baby for walk, and meet them at the park (so you can leave). Have a convenient meeting at “clinic”, so they have to leave.

I don’t think the issues you have will change if they see the baby when it’s 4 days or 4 weeks old.

Yes, OP definitely has a husband problem. Why is she with someone who never sticks up for her?

However, I disagree with your second paragraph. I don’t mind my parents seeing me in a very vulnerable state eg in a lot of pain from childbirth (vaginal or c-section), exhausted, leaking milk and establishing breast feeding, bleeding heavily from my vagina etc… but I don’t want my in laws to see me like that. I want a couple of weeks to heal and get into a (sort of) routine. I am currently pregnant. I bet OP’s parents will be there to support their Dd, but her in laws won’t care about her.

I don’t blame OP for being upset, especially as it sounds like her in laws expect her to be an attentive hostess.

cocog · 23/04/2023 16:44

Stay in the hospital as long as you can then go and stay with your parents for a week until you find your feet they can visit obviously but will be supervised unfortunately if they cannot be kind your doing what’s best for you and the baby’s recovery, husband can fend for himself or rearrange there flights for once you and baby have recovered from the birth and established feeding at About 6 weeks He has his own family now your both more important than what his parents want why should this special time be ruined for you you will never get it back don’t let them ruin it for you! Good luck

searrch · 23/04/2023 16:52

It is your weak DH you need to put your foot down with. You have chosen a man who refuses to support you. Do you think that makes a good father?

HomeTheatreSystem · 23/04/2023 16:53

Also coming down on the side of staying with your parents after you've given birth.

Your in laws have been abusive to you so cannot expect to be treated the same as your parents as regards visiting rights. The last thing you need just after giving birth is the worry over managing your unpleasant in-laws when they visit and as your DH won't support you, tell him your parents will so that's where you'll be and YOU will let him know as and when they can come over. First sign of any nonsense, they will be told they need to leave. Your DH can communicate all that to them as best he can. I am sure they will not want to humiliate themselves by a display of bad behaviour in front of their son and your parents.

Nowthenhere · 23/04/2023 16:55

Book an airBnB for yourself and your baby for the time period that your in-laws intend to be in the UK.
Make it your sanctuary, ensure you have enough nutrient dense food, postpartum essentials and just move their the day your DH goes to collect them from the airport.
Let him know he's hosting the in-laws and you're mothering your baby/learning to latch/bleeding lots following the birth of your baby.

Bradsgoodreally · 23/04/2023 16:56

How long are they visiting for? If your baby is as tardy as my first born they will be visiting your pregnant belly.

LittleBearPad · 23/04/2023 16:57

If they come then, they don’t stay with you. That’s non-negotiable.

I found my DC more tiring at 6 weeks than 1 but couldn’t have had guests at either time.

LocalHobo · 23/04/2023 16:59

I expected, seeing your thread title, to be saying you were unreasonable, particularly if you were welcoming your own parents in the first few days. I hate how the father's parents are treated so unequally in the early days.
I don’t mind my parents seeing me in a very vulnerable state eg in a lot of pain from childbirth (vaginal or c-section), exhausted, leaking milk and establishing breast feeding, bleeding heavily from my vagina etc… but I don’t want my in laws to see me like that.
^ this is your prerogative but your in-laws are equally entitled to see their grandchild, so I would hope you will let DH take the baby to see them in one room even if you stay away, unless your parents are also giving you space for a few days.
In your unique, and horrible, circumstances Lurking, I would keep your in-laws away from your home asap. How disappointing that your DH is prepared to upset you so much at such a special time in your relationship. Flowers

heartbroken22 · 23/04/2023 17:00

If he doesn't agree I'd say let them come. But don't lift a finger and be proud. Just say ohh me and baby are tired and sleep. Get her to cook and stuff and get father in law to clean or whatever. Make their visit as miserable as possible so they don't come again.

ReignOfError · 23/04/2023 17:01

Obviously don’t let them stay at your place, or if that turns out to be unavoidable, go, as others have said, elsewhere.

Ration visits - sensibly, they are still your child’s grandparents - and when they visit, find them many, many things they can do to help: making cups of tea; cooking and clearing up; running to the shops (often); laundry and/or hanging the washing out - there’s no shortage of jobs that need doing when you’re knackered with a newborn.

Backtobed · 23/04/2023 17:01

Wow done people on this thread are so fucking nasty.

Backtobed · 23/04/2023 17:01

Some people*

loislovesstewie · 23/04/2023 17:04

I agree her father in law seems dreadful!

JaneFondue · 23/04/2023 17:08

No S Asian will ever stay in a hotel when they have their son's home available.

This is a massive clash of cultures and complex to resolve. Most of the posters on this thread have no idea. Parents absolutely come first for many S Asian men.

I would go and stay with your parents for 6 weeks.

LadyWiddiothethird · 23/04/2023 17:12

OP you have married the wrong man! Doubt this situation with his parents will ever be resolved.

Snugglemonkey · 23/04/2023 17:14

Olinguita · 23/04/2023 16:36

Of course they should be able to visit.

That much is clear.

But there is a lot of difference between, say, popping round for baby cuddles and a cup of tea every day during their stay on the one hand, and then pitching up as house guests and staying for weeks if not months on end, ESPECIALLY when they have form for aggressive and dramatic behaviour.

I think it's pretty clear which scenario OP is talking about. I know because I've been landed in a similar situation and it is really hard. Actually it is quite terrifying.

This isn't someone being a precious DIL, this is someone who is feeling anxious and vulnerable about people who have form for shitty and threatening behaviour. If folks think OP is being precious then they probably haven't had to deal with relatives like this who have an obsession with control and absolutely zero boundaries.

I do not think anyone who hasbehaved like that should be able to visit at all. Op does not have to be in their presence.

RoseJam · 23/04/2023 17:15

This is a difficult and tricky situation. Assuming that your DH's parents are Sri Lankan, there are cultural considerations and expectations. E.g. It will be expected for them to stay at yours and cause huge offence if they don't. Also, culturally, children are expected to do whatever their parents want or say without question. It is generally quite an authoritarian style of parenting where parents feel entitled to give their adult children unsolicited advice and berate them as a means to have their (supposedly) best interests at heart.

Your DH will have to be very strong to tell them no and go against them as it will be seen as a huge disrespect and this could be very difficult for your DH. This could also be actually a reason why it appears to be that he is not supporting you on this or giving his parents firm boundaries. On the positive side, they will probably love to help out around the house and with the baby too.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 23/04/2023 17:16

I wouldn’t have house guests so near to / after birth.
You probably won’t have had dc by then. Firsts tend to be late. Imagine them hanging around all the time or being the only ones there when you start labour. No thank you.

So
Visiting to see dc …fine
Staying with you …..absolutely no.

MapofVenice · 23/04/2023 17:20

decide what you want and stick to it. Otherwise they’ll continue to do this to you forever.

those precious first weeks with your first born you can never get back, don’t let them ruin it.

my MIL was choosing dates to visit us when I was 36/7 weeks and asked me what suited, I suggested a few weeks after due date (to recover, to learn bf, incase I went over etc). Then SIL accidentally sent a video of MIL reading out my text and sniggering about it. Our relationship will never be the same.

they booked the dates they wanted, I went 2 weeks over, had an EMCS and baby in ICU for a week. Put on a brave face when they visited, but truthfully it ruined what should have been a lovely time. Strict boundaries are in place now, polite & civil - but ruined.

JaneFondue · 23/04/2023 17:20

RoseJam · 23/04/2023 17:15

This is a difficult and tricky situation. Assuming that your DH's parents are Sri Lankan, there are cultural considerations and expectations. E.g. It will be expected for them to stay at yours and cause huge offence if they don't. Also, culturally, children are expected to do whatever their parents want or say without question. It is generally quite an authoritarian style of parenting where parents feel entitled to give their adult children unsolicited advice and berate them as a means to have their (supposedly) best interests at heart.

Your DH will have to be very strong to tell them no and go against them as it will be seen as a huge disrespect and this could be very difficult for your DH. This could also be actually a reason why it appears to be that he is not supporting you on this or giving his parents firm boundaries. On the positive side, they will probably love to help out around the house and with the baby too.

There were numerous posts last week about how posters would love to live in other cultures where grandparents help with DC and people have strong family ties. This is what that help usually involves. It means a family hierarchy.
And often the DIL comes last. I was berated for saying this last week but I am S Asian myself!

There is absolutely no way these parents will stay in an AirBNB. It would be hugely insulting.

MysteryBelle · 23/04/2023 17:21

Oh my they are terrorizing you. I’d tell them they are not welcome after all they’ve said and done. That after a genuine apology from them, then you might consider inviting them to see the baby, at your convenience and discretion. I’d gather my family and friends and have them stand together behind me as I tell my h that either he stand up for me or he can go live with his vicious and classless parents.