AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

[lurkingintheshadows89]

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

I honestly feel like I have the in-laws from hell and they are the main source of arguements between my husband and I. For a bit of background, they live in Sri Lanka and have been against my husband and I from the very start. They had plans for an arranged marriage, something my husband says he would never have agreed to and never wanted.

From the very start, they have tried to break us up. Frequent arguements with my husband about our relationship, trying to get us to change the wedding date as it ‘didn’t work for them’, threats from his dad with physical violence at our wedding. Insults frequently made towards myself and my family.

The first words from her mother to myself after we told them we were pregnant were “I’m glad as I thought you would have problems getting pregnant as you’re so old”. Im 33. No congratulations.

Unfortunately my husband, every single time, defends his parents actions and refuses to disagree with them. He has never defended me when they are making these comments, however afterwards will say that they are out of line, but will never say that to them. He justifies their comments by saying “they aren’t thinking” and seems unwilling to accept how they have treated me is unacceptable.

In contrast, we are both really close to my parents and lived with them for a few months whilst we were waiting for our house to complete. They are currently decorating our nursery for us as we are both working long hours including weekends before the baby comes to save up money. They also live about 10 minutes away so we will rely on them during those first couple of weeks.

We are expecting our first child in August. As they live abroad, my husband and I agreed they wouldn’t visit for at least 4-6 weeks as we need to find our feet and get into some type of routine. The last thing I want immediately after giving birth is his parents who are openly rude towards me in my house. DH had agreed to this and said this was a sensible plan.

He spoke to his parents this weekend and it turns out they have booked flights to the UK without even mentioning or discussing dates withus, arriving 2 days after my due date. When DH said the timing wasn’t great, they disregarded his comment and said they would pop by for a bit, essentially, that they are planning to come whether we want them or not.

I put my foot down and said under no circumstances are they visiting us with a newborn, potentially a couple of days old. Especially when all they have done for the past few years is be disrespectful and rude towards me. DH however fails to understand that they are completely out of line booking flights without even speaking to us and actually started trying to convince me that it was ok for them to visit.

This cumulated in an argument where I essentially said he chooses to out the baby and me before his parents or our relationship is over. So, AIBU?

Actually wondering if @lurkingintheshadows89 ‘s parents could have a chat to her DH and let him know exactly what’s at stake and why he is being so unreasonable. OP has tolerated far too much from these people at all and will not allow her child to grow up believing that this is acceptable even if he minimizes it be stating that the GO’s live in Sri Lanka and they rarely see the baby. He needs to grow a pair and let them know that he is not raising his baby with the same cultural traditions that they seem to assume will continue. One of the first things to change is the accepted abuse of the DIL. She is the mother of his child and an equal partner in his home. They are not welcome to see the baby until genuine apologies are made, and they will not be staying in HER home.

If he can’t express this to them now, then they are going to arrive to house with no baby and no DIL to abuse.

Of course your in laws are keen to see their grandchild. It’s extremely harsh of you to not understand this. Your parents who live close by will have a full relationship with your little one but your in laws will only have few precious times and this is one.
Sorry but you sound very selfish.

Good heavens! Whatever you do OP DON’T listen to this!
Your in laws want to see their grandchild, how lovely that they are making such a massive effort. Please don’t treat them differently to your own parents.

Can you speak to your midwife about it and get her to read dh the riot act? My dh has generally been super supportive but was very keen to accommodate his parents when our baby arrived. That began to affect me getting bf established and one of the midwives told us we were to close the door and have noone over until baby's weight started to climb. Dh absolutely took it on board and had told his parents no more visits before we'd even left the hospital. I think it can be difficult for first time dads to play gatekeeper but it's so important in those early days until you get yourself established. Anyone who turned up at our door unexpectedly I just said happy entertaining to dh and I took baby upstairs for a feed so they didn't see them. And I didn't care once jot I honestly believe there's a special place in hell for people who just 'drop in' on new mums!

You need to sit down with dh and explain that naturally his family are important to him and up until now they've been his immediate family. But now you him and baby are immediate family and its his job as a father to support you as mother to meet baby's needs. I'd recognise with him that this is tough, but that what you will be going through will be tougher and he has to have your back.

If they have to come at that time then they under no circumstances would be staying with me, dh needs to tell them that they have to stay elsewhere because they've booked too close to your due date and you cannot host because of that. I'd also set limits on visiting that you're comfortable with eg one hour every day or so or a longer period every few days. It will be important for baby to get to know that side of their family but it's much more important that baby has a mum who is well supported and in a good place in herself post partum.

You can tell him he can have either a happy wife or happy parents and he should remember who he sees every day/whose bed he expects to get into every night. Or that only one of you will love him unconditionally: his parents. Your love comes with conditions which is to have your back and BE YOUR PARTNER. When you said your vows did he say "forsaking all others, apart from my mum and dad?"

@Lovepeaceunderstanding but they ARE different to ops parents because they are not supportive and have been abusive to op and physically violent at their wedding. Why on earth would she treat anyone who's acted like that the same as her parents. Grandparents do not have automatic right of access to grandkids. Their parents are the ones to make the decision on what's right. Also how can you think it would be OK for a vulnerable and hormonal first time mum to be surrounded by people who have been nothing but toxic to her? Do you not see that would increase the risks of ppd and ppa? Or do you think a Grandparents right to see a baby is more important than that child's right to have a physically and mentally healthy mother?

I know this comment is at the beginning of the thread and I haven’t RTFT yet. But, this is exactly what I was thinking and about to suggest.

I am so sorry you have such nasty in-laws. It is the last thing anyone needs.

I hear your distress.
You need to agree with your husband about when and who will visit from day to day, after the birth.
The same rules should be in place for both sets of parents.

Statistically, you are an older first time mother (particularly if ages in Shri Lanka are included) and I think your MIL is genuinely happy.

Make sure all grandparents are up to date with their own vaccinations against childhood illnesses before meeting the baby. Test and be cautious about Covid too.

Have your inlaws stay nearby but not with you and be strict on visit times.

You might feel more comfortable with other people near your child once it is old enough to have had it's first vaccinations.
Remember that you are part of your husband's family and that they will adore the baby.

Unfortunately my husband, every single time, defends his parents actions and refuses to disagree with them. He has never defended me when they are making these comments

I honestly don’t know how you cope with a man like this in your life.

If he expects you to roll over and host his repellant and verbally abusive (to you) parents a day or two into new parenthood, you need to communicate some truths in a way he’ll understand. Probably by kicking all three of them out.

I voted YABU purely from the viewpoint that you cannot stop them from coming into the country at any time. What you can do however is ensure they do not actually stay with you during their visit.
But having them call in for a couple of hours isn’t unreasonable. You might not even have had the baby! Maybe arrange for them to visit at your parents house, or have your parents at your house when they visit so you have the support of your mum.

If they expect to be staying with you, talk to your parents and arrange that if the ils turn up to stay you move out to your parents with baby. Tell Dh that if they stay at your house then he’s driven you out as you will under no circumstances stay under the same roof as people being horrible to you while you are recovering from birth and adjusting to looking after a tiny baby, and that you cannot guarantee ever forgiving him. That he must tell them to stay elsewhere.
it might be easier just to move out now to your parents and say you’re not moving back in unless flights are changed or you see confirmation of booked accomm. Actually I recommend that. Much easier to move now than when baby is here, and he needs to know you are serious.

YANBU. Do not have them stay. Even if they are lovely, do not have them to stay. You will be recovering and adjusting and maybe trying to establish breastfeeding. You will need as much rest as possible. It is not a time to be hosting.

There is another thread where the OP's husband won't allow any guests to stay in their two spare rooms and lots of posters think that is absolutely fine. And yet on this one plenty of posters think it is the OP being unreasonable for not wanting to host only days after giving birth. It makes no sense.

Have they considered that the baby will most likely not arrive on its due date? How long do they intend to stay?

OP, you are in the right here. Please do not allow people to invade your home like this. Your husband should be prioritising you, and it must be really upsetting that he isn't. I hope you find a way forward.

Just a day before the in-laws fly in have the house door locks changed and do not give your husband the new key until his parents leave the country - because he WILL let them in and he WILL break every promise he makes to you about keeping them under control during their visit.

Put your foot down in regards to the IL's visiting straight away, they don't deserve the same allowances as your own parents. Your DH absolutely should support you on this.

YANBU but frankly this was entirely predictable.

I’ll never understand the constant threads of people in these shitty situations that were entirely unavoidable.

@MoonGeek

I don’t get the people wanting to have no visitors after having a baby.

I really understand not wanting people who treat you really badly around at any time, let alone when you’re vulnerable and unsupported by someone who is supposed to love you.

My own mother and sister totally ignored everything I said about not wanting them coming to the hospital when my first son was born. I'd told them months in advance and repeated it a couple of days before he was born, but lo and behold, who should turn up at the hospital within 6 hours of him being born? Yes, my mother and sister.
When I had my second son, I told them the same again, with the added 'and don't think you can just ignore me, we'll have you thrown out of the ward if you turn up!'. What happened? Yes, they rocked up at the hospital when he was 10 hours old, saying they'd waited a bit longer this time!

Trust your gut, if you don't want them at your home, don't let them in!

You could be 2 weeks late giving birth! If they do come I would insist they stay elsewhere in a hotel or airBnB. You will be trying to establish a drinking and sleeping return and will not want ILs in the house 24/7! Could u stay with your parents & visit ILs at your house!

I could have wrote this myself! My partner is Indian (English born) his mum is from India. She too made a comment about my age and getting pregnant, but I gave her a big FU coz i ended up having twins! She was adamant she was moving in when I had them. No chance, hell would have to freeze over first! She’s always commenting on my weight, parenting skills, house etc. She has generally just been unpleasant from day one, and similarly, his family is one of the main causes of arguments. But I stand my ground. So you need to do the same. Stay firm and fight your corner. If they do come on the dates they’ve booked, they stay in a hotel until you are ready to see them.
unfortunately it’s a culture where the elders will always be respected and praised no matter how bad their behaviour. I don’t understand it but I have to respect it to a degree or we would always be fighting.
Good luck! Xx

Do you roll over and let people walk all over you?

Why should the OP?

They are not just visiting. They want to stay. They are imposing. Visitors would be fine if it was what the OP wanted. Staying is too much so soon after giving birth.

Some of the comments on here are mad. If OP's in-laws have been hurtful and abusive to her, why on earth should she put up with that, and accept their awful behaviour. Just make sure your parents are around at all times, or even like previously suggested, go stay at your mums.

The problem is your husband!

”Why on earth you had a child with someone who …..” is a bit of an out of order comment considering it’s embarrassing enough as it is and incredibly frustrating for her. Kinder words maybe.

@TheSnowyOwl nasty AF!