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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

170 replies

lurkingintheshadows89 · 23/04/2023 11:57

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

I honestly feel like I have the in-laws from hell and they are the main source of arguements between my husband and I. For a bit of background, they live in Sri Lanka and have been against my husband and I from the very start. They had plans for an arranged marriage, something my husband says he would never have agreed to and never wanted.

From the very start, they have tried to break us up. Frequent arguements with my husband about our relationship, trying to get us to change the wedding date as it ‘didn’t work for them’, threats from his dad with physical violence at our wedding. Insults frequently made towards myself and my family.

The first words from her mother to myself after we told them we were pregnant were “I’m glad as I thought you would have problems getting pregnant as you’re so old”. Im 33. No congratulations.

Unfortunately my husband, every single time, defends his parents actions and refuses to disagree with them. He has never defended me when they are making these comments, however afterwards will say that they are out of line, but will never say that to them. He justifies their comments by saying “they aren’t thinking” and seems unwilling to accept how they have treated me is unacceptable.

In contrast, we are both really close to my parents and lived with them for a few months whilst we were waiting for our house to complete. They are currently decorating our nursery for us as we are both working long hours including weekends before the baby comes to save up money. They also live about 10 minutes away so we will rely on them during those first couple of weeks.

We are expecting our first child in August. As they live abroad, my husband and I agreed they wouldn’t visit for at least 4-6 weeks as we need to find our feet and get into some type of routine. The last thing I want immediately after giving birth is his parents who are openly rude towards me in my house. DH had agreed to this and said this was a sensible plan.

He spoke to his parents this weekend and it turns out they have booked flights to the UK without even mentioning or discussing dates withus, arriving 2 days after my due date. When DH said the timing wasn’t great, they disregarded his comment and said they would pop by for a bit, essentially, that they are planning to come whether we want them or not.

I put my foot down and said under no circumstances are they visiting us with a newborn, potentially a couple of days old. Especially when all they have done for the past few years is be disrespectful and rude towards me. DH however fails to understand that they are completely out of line booking flights without even speaking to us and actually started trying to convince me that it was ok for them to visit.

This cumulated in an argument where I essentially said he chooses to out the baby and me before his parents or our relationship is over. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Merryhobnobs · 23/04/2023 17:22

My sister in law - who is lovely but sometimes does things without thinking through first - nearly did this. Booked travel to visit around my due date. I freaked a little but luckily my mother in law stepped in and diplomatically got sister in law to realize that it was best for baby to arrive and then make travel plans. Which was just as well as baby was ten days late so there would have been a lot of sitting around staring at me 😂

ManyRiversToCross · 23/04/2023 17:22

PinkPink1 · 23/04/2023 16:42

Yes, OP definitely has a husband problem. Why is she with someone who never sticks up for her?

However, I disagree with your second paragraph. I don’t mind my parents seeing me in a very vulnerable state eg in a lot of pain from childbirth (vaginal or c-section), exhausted, leaking milk and establishing breast feeding, bleeding heavily from my vagina etc… but I don’t want my in laws to see me like that. I want a couple of weeks to heal and get into a (sort of) routine. I am currently pregnant. I bet OP’s parents will be there to support their Dd, but her in laws won’t care about her.

I don’t blame OP for being upset, especially as it sounds like her in laws expect her to be an attentive hostess.

Show quote history

And if the baby you are pregnant with turns out to be a boy - loved and cherished by you just as much as a girl would be - and in 25 years your baby boy is having HIS first baby, you won't mind staying home for four weeks while his wife's parents get to love on and cuddle a grandbaby that is just as much yours, just as much your son's? What if your son's wife has a tricky labour and your son is frightened and unsure and needs to process feeling helpless while his wife nearly died, and wants his Mum? What then?

BeverlyBrook · 23/04/2023 17:22

From hospital, get your mum to pick you up and go back to her house.
The IL will expect to stay at your house and your newborn days will be horrendous.

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2023 17:23

Toddlerteaplease · 23/04/2023 16:25

It's their grandchild too. If your parents get to visit. Then they should too.

I don't think the OP's parents are quite so horrible to their son-in-law

Curseofthenation · 23/04/2023 17:23

@RoseJam Who cares what her in laws want? OP is the person going through childbirth and recovering. She gets the final say. I wouldn't give a damn in OP's shoes if I was blamed for them not being allowed to stay or not. It's not as if there is much of a relationship to lose.

Hopefully they take deep offence and never visit. Who needs people like that in their life?

TellySavalashairbrush · 23/04/2023 17:24

Providing they are staying somewhere else during their visit, I don’t see the harm in them paying a visit or two to see your baby. To cut them off completely is churlish. Yes, they have been arseholes to you, but don’t lower your behaviour to match theirs. They don’t live in the UK which is massively helpful and so for your dh’s sake they can be tolerated the few times you do have to see them.

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2023 17:24

And if the baby you are pregnant with turns out to be a boy - loved and cherished by you just as much as a girl would be - and in 25 years your baby boy is having HIS first baby, you won't mind staying home for four weeks while his wife's parents get to love on and cuddle a grandbaby that is just as much yours, just as much your son's? What if your son's wife has a tricky labour and your son is frightened and unsure and needs to process feeling helpless while his wife nearly died, and wants his Mum? What then?

Maybe she won't treat her daughter-in-law so badly?

RoseJam · 23/04/2023 17:24

JaneFondue · 23/04/2023 17:08

No S Asian will ever stay in a hotel when they have their son's home available.

This is a massive clash of cultures and complex to resolve. Most of the posters on this thread have no idea. Parents absolutely come first for many S Asian men.

I would go and stay with your parents for 6 weeks.

I absolutely agree with this. So even though you may want them to stay elsewhere, they probably won't anyway.

Lavenderflower · 23/04/2023 17:27

I don't think your husband is a mummy boy as such. I think this a clash of cultures....He should support and defend you.

ManyRiversToCross · 23/04/2023 17:27

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2023 17:24

And if the baby you are pregnant with turns out to be a boy - loved and cherished by you just as much as a girl would be - and in 25 years your baby boy is having HIS first baby, you won't mind staying home for four weeks while his wife's parents get to love on and cuddle a grandbaby that is just as much yours, just as much your son's? What if your son's wife has a tricky labour and your son is frightened and unsure and needs to process feeling helpless while his wife nearly died, and wants his Mum? What then?

Maybe she won't treat her daughter-in-law so badly?

This particular poster is talking about the principle of not wanting her in laws nearby for a couple of weeks after she has given birth, because she does not want in laws to see her breasts leaking or vaginal bleeding.

FamilyLife2point4 · 23/04/2023 17:28

@lurkingintheshadows89 i am with you on this. PP have suggested going to your parents - I like this alternative.
You have been clear to DH that you did not want house guests. He cant agree then disagree. If he can’t stand up to his parents then you and baby will be at your parents and they can come visit for a cuppa / cuddle. If he agrees then they ‘magically appear’ anyway, stay for an hour, get a shower, pack a bag and go to mums.

pikkumyy77 · 23/04/2023 17:28

Good god all the apologists for the in laws who have been rude, exclusionary, and violent towards the OP. Babies are not owned or owed to the biological grandparents. But if they were property then I’d be damned if I let these specific in laws demand to play with my new baby/toy just because they want to now—having pissed all over the relationship at the outset.

RoseJam · 23/04/2023 17:29

@Curseofthenation - Unfortunately OP's DH cares what the in-laws want. I absolutely agree with you that the OP should have the final say and OP does not need people like that, especially at this time. I think the problem is whether her DH will stand up to his parents when there is a deep cultural tie to doing what the parents/in-laws want.

Laughloveloneliness · 23/04/2023 17:29

@ManyRiversToCross Hopefully she will treat her DIL better than these two are? OP does not need to invite these people into her home when her baby is due. If she chooses to let them come and stay then she needs to factor in the bad behaviour and suck it up. I would be staying with my parents.

Curseofthenation · 23/04/2023 17:33

@RoseJam I would end the relationship if my DH let my in laws stay straight after childbirth against my wishes. He chose to marry a Western woman against his parent's wishes - he can bloody well man up now that OP needs him to. If he wanted to please his parents then he would have opted for an arranged marriage. He can stand up for his own interests, he can stand up for OP's.

Gymnopedie · 23/04/2023 17:34

londonrach · 23/04/2023 16:22

If you don't want your in-laws visiting fine but you need to be fair to both sets of grandparents which means your parents are also banned from visiting too.

WHY does it need to be fair when one set of parents are helpful, loving and supportive while the others are openly hostile, try to break up the marriage and are rude to the OP?

What happened to actions have consequences?

JaneFondue · 23/04/2023 17:35

If you come from a poor country with no social security and a crumbling economy, you would never pay for a hotel in a rich foreign country unless you are filthy rich. You wouldn't even let your son pay for it because his house is your house.

I am not being an apologist for rude and violent behaviour. I am saying this is how it works in the global South.

However it would also be the tradition for women to go to their parents right after childbirth, so do that. Your DH can play house with his parents and visit.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 23/04/2023 17:38

Well, look on the bright side. Originally they'd have been staying with you, at a time when your dh would be back at work and it's far enough after the birth that everyone imagines you're recovered and can wait on them.

Now they have to stay somewhere else, and you get to go upstairs to sleep, or to feed the baby for long periods whenever you've had enough of them, and your dh gets to entertain them.

Just make sure your dh knows you'll be moving to your parents with the baby if he doesn't have your back at all times.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 23/04/2023 17:39

Oh and you absolutely should treat both sets of grandparents the same. The rule for both is "if you're kind and considerate you get to spend time with me and my baby". Same for both, perfectly fair.

Strawberrydelight78 · 23/04/2023 17:43

Tell them if they want to come that soon you won't be hosting them. Say they are welcome to visit the new baby. But will need to find somewhere to stay.

Sapphire387 · 23/04/2023 17:44

I can't stand it when people say grandparents 'have a right' to see their grandchildren. They really, really don't, either in law or morally. Especially if they are arseholes like OP's in-laws.

As for people talking about the woman's parents taking priority... it's only normal and natural. Women birth children, and they tend to want the company of their own relatives. I have a son - if he ever marries and has children, I'd like to think I will have enough respect for my daughter-in-law and her recovery not to bang on about my 'rights' and impose myself while she is uncomfortable. Ffs.

Hayliebells · 23/04/2023 17:45

I'd be absolutely livid too, your husband needs to realise you're serious. If they do come, your husband needs to make sure they have alternative accommodation booked. I don't think it's unreasonable for them to visit for half an hour or so to see the baby a few days after the birth, but it's absolutely not acceptable for them to stay. Anyone who was openly rude to me wouldn't be staying in my home ever. Your husband needs to understand that if their attitude doesn't change, when they visit him, they'll be staying in a hotel. If he just refuses to back you up, LTB. If the worst come to the worst and he doesn't tell them that they cannot stay, can you stay with your parents? Then you can deal with the fall out of that with your DH later.

Pipsquiggle · 23/04/2023 17:46

Yes this is a hill to die on.

Your DH needs to step up significantly and support you.

Your in laws CANNOT stay with you, even if they do change back to the original plan.

Your DH needs to tell them what is happening.

AutumnColours9 · 23/04/2023 17:50

My exH and in laws were the same. It played a big part in our divorce. Bliss not seeing them now.

Re the visit I would say 1 hr a day and they stay elsewhere. Waiting 6 weeks is a bit mean. My horrible in laws saw all my babies the first day they were born. I hated it but my parents did so I couldn't really ban his. I saw my grandchild just after she was born too. Waiting weeks would have been hard.

Strangelisa · 23/04/2023 17:52

I think for me you need to sit with your DH and tell him this simply isn’t happening. If he won’t tell his parents to change their flights then you go to your parents and you will ensure that he and his parents are not welcome. He has a choice and this is his time to make that choice.