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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

170 replies

lurkingintheshadows89 · 23/04/2023 11:57

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

I honestly feel like I have the in-laws from hell and they are the main source of arguements between my husband and I. For a bit of background, they live in Sri Lanka and have been against my husband and I from the very start. They had plans for an arranged marriage, something my husband says he would never have agreed to and never wanted.

From the very start, they have tried to break us up. Frequent arguements with my husband about our relationship, trying to get us to change the wedding date as it ‘didn’t work for them’, threats from his dad with physical violence at our wedding. Insults frequently made towards myself and my family.

The first words from her mother to myself after we told them we were pregnant were “I’m glad as I thought you would have problems getting pregnant as you’re so old”. Im 33. No congratulations.

Unfortunately my husband, every single time, defends his parents actions and refuses to disagree with them. He has never defended me when they are making these comments, however afterwards will say that they are out of line, but will never say that to them. He justifies their comments by saying “they aren’t thinking” and seems unwilling to accept how they have treated me is unacceptable.

In contrast, we are both really close to my parents and lived with them for a few months whilst we were waiting for our house to complete. They are currently decorating our nursery for us as we are both working long hours including weekends before the baby comes to save up money. They also live about 10 minutes away so we will rely on them during those first couple of weeks.

We are expecting our first child in August. As they live abroad, my husband and I agreed they wouldn’t visit for at least 4-6 weeks as we need to find our feet and get into some type of routine. The last thing I want immediately after giving birth is his parents who are openly rude towards me in my house. DH had agreed to this and said this was a sensible plan.

He spoke to his parents this weekend and it turns out they have booked flights to the UK without even mentioning or discussing dates withus, arriving 2 days after my due date. When DH said the timing wasn’t great, they disregarded his comment and said they would pop by for a bit, essentially, that they are planning to come whether we want them or not.

I put my foot down and said under no circumstances are they visiting us with a newborn, potentially a couple of days old. Especially when all they have done for the past few years is be disrespectful and rude towards me. DH however fails to understand that they are completely out of line booking flights without even speaking to us and actually started trying to convince me that it was ok for them to visit.

This cumulated in an argument where I essentially said he chooses to out the baby and me before his parents or our relationship is over. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
newroundhere · 23/04/2023 17:52

JaneFondue · 23/04/2023 17:35

If you come from a poor country with no social security and a crumbling economy, you would never pay for a hotel in a rich foreign country unless you are filthy rich. You wouldn't even let your son pay for it because his house is your house.

I am not being an apologist for rude and violent behaviour. I am saying this is how it works in the global South.

However it would also be the tradition for women to go to their parents right after childbirth, so do that. Your DH can play house with his parents and visit.

The trouble with this is that OP is having to adapt her culture to her inlaws, when they are coming to visit her. Maybe she doesn't want to go and stay with her mum for the first few weeks? Maybe she would rather do what is more usual here, which is spend time in her own home with her DH and work out this whole parenting thing together?

I don't deny this isn't a cultural clash and there are mismatched expectations on both sides but I don't see why OP has to be the loser when the baby is being born into her culture. Her DH should be trying to help his parents understand the culture here and what OP's expectations are so that they can find a workable solution.

Hayliebells · 23/04/2023 17:52

RoseJam · 23/04/2023 17:24

I absolutely agree with this. So even though you may want them to stay elsewhere, they probably won't anyway.

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And that would be the end of the marriage for me. I'm sorry, but "cultural differences" don't give people a free pass to behave like arseholes. If my husband let people who had been opening hostile, rude, and violent (!) towards me stay in my home against my wishes, that would be it, I'd be out to stay with my parents and divorcing him as soon as I was able.

cocobongo1 · 23/04/2023 17:56

What is it with in-laws from abroad?

My FIL wanted to visit from a country in Europe 4 weeks after my due date and insists on visiting for 10 days minimum.

All he likes to do is sit in doors and follows my husband around like a sheep.

No chance. I put my foot down and pulled rank and said no.

He came when baby was 12 weeks.

Thesharkradar · 23/04/2023 17:57

There were numerous posts last week about how posters would love to live in other cultures where grandparents help with DC and people have strong family ties
they dont realise that help is NOT is given altruistically!
Rather it is given because it allows them a means by which to continue to dominate & control the generations beneath them

JaneFondue · 23/04/2023 17:57

newroundhere · 23/04/2023 17:52

The trouble with this is that OP is having to adapt her culture to her inlaws, when they are coming to visit her. Maybe she doesn't want to go and stay with her mum for the first few weeks? Maybe she would rather do what is more usual here, which is spend time in her own home with her DH and work out this whole parenting thing together?

I don't deny this isn't a cultural clash and there are mismatched expectations on both sides but I don't see why OP has to be the loser when the baby is being born into her culture. Her DH should be trying to help his parents understand the culture here and what OP's expectations are so that they can find a workable solution.

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Well, he should certainly. My guess us that he won't. I would absolutely love to be proved wrong. Yes, of course OP can LTB if she wants.

Hayliebells · 23/04/2023 17:57

newroundhere · 23/04/2023 17:52

The trouble with this is that OP is having to adapt her culture to her inlaws, when they are coming to visit her. Maybe she doesn't want to go and stay with her mum for the first few weeks? Maybe she would rather do what is more usual here, which is spend time in her own home with her DH and work out this whole parenting thing together?

I don't deny this isn't a cultural clash and there are mismatched expectations on both sides but I don't see why OP has to be the loser when the baby is being born into her culture. Her DH should be trying to help his parents understand the culture here and what OP's expectations are so that they can find a workable solution.

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This. I can't believe anyone thinks this is even vaguely reasonable, just because the DHs parents come from a different culture. It's on DH to explain to his parents why their expectations, whatever the reason for them, are not going to be the way it is in his family with his DW and his DC. He's gone against their wishes before, when it benefitted him, he can damn well do it again.

Hayliebells · 23/04/2023 18:01

But he's gone against their wishes, their culture before @JaneFondue , when he married the OP. What makes you so sure he'll be unable to do it again?

JaneFondue · 23/04/2023 18:13

Hayliebells · 23/04/2023 18:01

But he's gone against their wishes, their culture before @JaneFondue , when he married the OP. What makes you so sure he'll be unable to do it again?

Because he has done it once already. Therefore he feels the need to placate them on this.

I am also going to say that rudeness is one culture is not the same as in other cultures. Reams could be written about this but to take one instance: all my relatives, including my MIL, comment on my weight every time they see me. I was too thin for years, now am too fat in menopause. They don't intend to be rude. These are people that would die for me. It is a way to show concern. I could rant about it, but I ignore it because boundaries are far more fluid in S Asian culture. It also means that if I called my MIL for help, she would drop everything and come. If we asked them for money, they would give their last penny. Its Mi Casa Su Casa.

I think they visited 4 weeks after DD and DS were born and stayed with us for a couple of months at least. As its too expensive to fly over for 10 days. My mum stayed for 4 months!

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2023 18:18

londonrach · 23/04/2023 16:22

If you don't want your in-laws visiting fine but you need to be fair to both sets of grandparents which means your parents are also banned from visiting too.

Nonsense. Her parents are kind and helpful and presumably her DH gets on with them as they lived with them.

You cannot say that about his parents. They're reaping what they sowed.

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2023 18:20

ReignOfError · 23/04/2023 17:01

Obviously don’t let them stay at your place, or if that turns out to be unavoidable, go, as others have said, elsewhere.

Ration visits - sensibly, they are still your child’s grandparents - and when they visit, find them many, many things they can do to help: making cups of tea; cooking and clearing up; running to the shops (often); laundry and/or hanging the washing out - there’s no shortage of jobs that need doing when you’re knackered with a newborn.

Seriously - you think they sound like the sort of people that would help?

On what planet?

Fraaahnces · 23/04/2023 18:30

Can you give your DH the ultimatum that if they set foot in your home that you will take baby to your parents and not consider returning until they have left the country? I’d ensure they knew they weren’t welcome in every way possible. They’ve been horrible to you, so why would you trust them with your baby?

PinkPink1 · 23/04/2023 18:31

ManyRiversToCross · 23/04/2023 17:22

And if the baby you are pregnant with turns out to be a boy - loved and cherished by you just as much as a girl would be - and in 25 years your baby boy is having HIS first baby, you won't mind staying home for four weeks while his wife's parents get to love on and cuddle a grandbaby that is just as much yours, just as much your son's? What if your son's wife has a tricky labour and your son is frightened and unsure and needs to process feeling helpless while his wife nearly died, and wants his Mum? What then?

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I’m having a girl and my in laws won’t have to wait 4 weeks. I’m having a caesarean so will be in hospital for a few days. I need time to recover and my parents will help me. My in laws can visit once I’ve settled at home for a few days. I know I’ll be in a lot of pain.

Snugglemonkey · 23/04/2023 18:57

RoseJam · 23/04/2023 17:29

@Curseofthenation - Unfortunately OP's DH cares what the in-laws want. I absolutely agree with you that the OP should have the final say and OP does not need people like that, especially at this time. I think the problem is whether her DH will stand up to his parents when there is a deep cultural tie to doing what the parents/in-laws want.

This is why op is threatening to leave him. Perhaps being expected to deal with this culture clash is intolerable to her.

Snugglemonkey · 23/04/2023 19:00

Gymnopedie · 23/04/2023 17:34

WHY does it need to be fair when one set of parents are helpful, loving and supportive while the others are openly hostile, try to break up the marriage and are rude to the OP?

What happened to actions have consequences?

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I totally agree. @londonrach is being ridiculous when one set of patents are supportive and the other threaten violence.

Snugglemonkey · 23/04/2023 19:08

Strangelisa · 23/04/2023 17:52

I think for me you need to sit with your DH and tell him this simply isn’t happening. If he won’t tell his parents to change their flights then you go to your parents and you will ensure that he and his parents are not welcome. He has a choice and this is his time to make that choice.

👏

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 23/04/2023 19:26

You do not have to treat both sets of parents equally - please ignore anyone who tells you that you do!
You shouldn't feel forced to move out of your own home, and go to stay with your parents, due to the in-laws' threatened arrival.
Your DH needs to have a serious conversation with his parents asap, and make it clear that (a) there is no guarantee of the baby arriving on the 'due date' (b) there is no way that you'll want to see anybody else straight after the birth, never mind host them in your home, and (c) them staying in your/his house is not a given at all; at a minimum they would need to make an effort to apologise for their past behaviour/ put some effort into building a more positive relationship with you.

LoobyLobbyLou · 23/04/2023 19:33

I actually think it’s incredibly mean of you to allow your parents to see the baby but not your inlaws. They will be excited about their grandchild too

You need to tell your DH he needs to be on your side though

JaneFondue · 23/04/2023 19:33

They are not going to apologise. They would see their behaviour in the past as looking out for the best interests of their son.

sandyhappypeople · 23/04/2023 19:40

I wouldn’t want them staying either.. ever (based on their previous form).

you can’t make them not come if DH is okay with them coming but I would give the ultimate that they are not staying in your house and if arrive and won’t leave or if they visit and there’s any kick off or disrespect you will be leaving to go and stay with your parents (without DH) until they are gone. (Assuming parents are okay with it of course!)

thank god they live in Sri Lanka!!

mischlerischler · 23/04/2023 19:44

LoobyLobbyLou · 23/04/2023 19:33

I actually think it’s incredibly mean of you to allow your parents to see the baby but not your inlaws. They will be excited about their grandchild too

You need to tell your DH he needs to be on your side though

Based on their past behaviour it's not mean at all.

Not sure why people think parents and ILs should be treated equally when they are not equally as supportive and respectful.

OP is doing the right thing by standing up for herself and hopefully her DH will support her and deal with his parents.

Sceptre86 · 23/04/2023 19:47

Some of the issues you are having are cultural ones. My own dad said some of the issues I had in pregnancy were because I was old, I was 29 when I had my first whereas my mum had her fourth and final child at 30. I didn't hate on my dad for it just laughed and said times have changed.

The rudeness towards you is unacceptable and you should have decided at that point if it was worth marrying a man that won't stick up for you. Not everyone is happy for their child to marry across cultures, they aren't but it is up to your dh in this situation to stick up for you and not allow anyone to be rude or belittle you. That is rude across all cultures.

I think you are absolutely right to have demanded they change flights and I would stick to that. What if you go over anyway? It's common with a first baby and I don't think having them over is going to get your oxytocin going! This is one issue you are going to have to be firm on.

Going forward a relationship across cultures requires a lot of give and take and compromise.

HolyMolyGuacamole222 · 23/04/2023 20:11

I would insist on them getting a hotel (not staying in your home!) And take yourself upstairs with the baby when they visit if you really need to. 4-6 weeks is quite long to wait to visit your first grandchild but I appreciate that they haven't been very nice to you and why you wouldn't want to see them.

The ball might drop for your husband once he witnesses you giving birth/breastfeeding/recovering and having sleepless nights etc.. mine tried to suggest visiting all sorts of people with our newborn baby when I was pregnant and I had to say "lets just see" and then of course reality hit and we hardly went anywhere. He also didn't understand why I might not want his brother to visit us in the hospital, straight away after the birth and I remember an argument about that, but then when the time came that was just never mentioned and everyone met baby at home. Men don't always get it during the pregnancy but I hope he understands more when baby is here.

JaneFondue · 23/04/2023 20:14

When I refused an arranged marriage and married my DH who is also from India but a different part of India, my parents were furious. So were his. Even marrying between different communities is not common.

I feel like you have been ill informed about cultural differences by your DH. BUT the violence is inexcusable. Our parents put on a brave polite face.

I am sure most of MN would have advised going dramatically NC with both sets of parents. As it turned out, we didnt and both sets now come over regularly to visit.

I should probably name change after this!

whynotwhatknot · 23/04/2023 20:17

He just doesnt have you back does he-my dh had a row about me with his mum over something pesonal

she told him to divorce me and he said if you dont apologise you'll never see me again

he refused to call her she lasted a week-i accepted her apology we got on better later on and she never said anything against me again

your husband will never stand up to them i guess give him the ulmatimum them or you

Caiti19 · 23/04/2023 20:33

Another vote for heading straight from hospital to your Mum's house and staying there until they're gone home again. Your Mum will be gatekeeper. Thank heavens they live 10 mins away. So much easier.