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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Putting my foot down with my in-laws about them visiting immediately after our first born is due.

170 replies

lurkingintheshadows89 · 23/04/2023 11:57

I honestly feel like I have the in-laws from hell and they are the main source of arguements between my husband and I. For a bit of background, they live in Sri Lanka and have been against my husband and I from the very start. They had plans for an arranged marriage, something my husband says he would never have agreed to and never wanted.

From the very start, they have tried to break us up. Frequent arguements with my husband about our relationship, trying to get us to change the wedding date as it ‘didn’t work for them’, threats from his dad with physical violence at our wedding. Insults frequently made towards myself and my family.

The first words from her mother to myself after we told them we were pregnant were “I’m glad as I thought you would have problems getting pregnant as you’re so old”. Im 33. No congratulations.

Unfortunately my husband, every single time, defends his parents actions and refuses to disagree with them. He has never defended me when they are making these comments, however afterwards will say that they are out of line, but will never say that to them. He justifies their comments by saying “they aren’t thinking” and seems unwilling to accept how they have treated me is unacceptable.

In contrast, we are both really close to my parents and lived with them for a few months whilst we were waiting for our house to complete. They are currently decorating our nursery for us as we are both working long hours including weekends before the baby comes to save up money. They also live about 10 minutes away so we will rely on them during those first couple of weeks.

We are expecting our first child in August. As they live abroad, my husband and I agreed they wouldn’t visit for at least 4-6 weeks as we need to find our feet and get into some type of routine. The last thing I want immediately after giving birth is his parents who are openly rude towards me in my house. DH had agreed to this and said this was a sensible plan.

He spoke to his parents this weekend and it turns out they have booked flights to the UK without even mentioning or discussing dates withus, arriving 2 days after my due date. When DH said the timing wasn’t great, they disregarded his comment and said they would pop by for a bit, essentially, that they are planning to come whether we want them or not.

I put my foot down and said under no circumstances are they visiting us with a newborn, potentially a couple of days old. Especially when all they have done for the past few years is be disrespectful and rude towards me. DH however fails to understand that they are completely out of line booking flights without even speaking to us and actually started trying to convince me that it was ok for them to visit.

This cumulated in an argument where I essentially said he chooses to out the baby and me before his parents or our relationship is over. So, AIBU?

OP posts:

Milkand2sugarsplease · 23/04/2023 14:49

Your issue is your husband and him not sticking up for you.

I know for certain my husband would not stand back and watch his parents be rude to me, make comments about me or anything of that nature and he'd call them out on anything inappropriate they say.

Ordinarily, if they're not staying with you I'd probably say to just let them meet their gc and be on their way but you have every right to not have people being rude to you while you're finding your feet as a new mum. You need to get (not so D) H on board quickly or take yourself (and baby) out of the equation when they visit.

Coffeeandbourbons · 23/04/2023 14:53

They sound pretty horrific but they’re also your DH’s parents and grandparents of the baby. When are your parents visiting out of interest?

ThatFraggle · 23/04/2023 14:55

Does anyone have the link to the lemon clot essay?

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 23/04/2023 14:56

That’s a shame you picked this man, sounds like you’ll have years of disrespect ahead of you. The man wants violent people around your child? Is Sri Lanka a member of The Hague Convention? Would any of these awful people try to take your child there ‘for a visit’?

Beamur · 23/04/2023 14:56

I voted YABU because you shouldn't end your marriage over this.
But your PIL sound awful and your DH does not have your back where they are concerned.
Make it clear they are not staying with you!

Original poster

lurkingintheshadows89 · 23/04/2023 15:11

The waiting 4-6 weeks was for them to come over from Sri Lanka and stay with us as if specifically said to DH that we weren’t having house guests within days of the baby being born.

OP posts:

Original poster

lurkingintheshadows89 · 23/04/2023 15:16

Yes, the expected to be staying with us as that was the original plan.
but then they’ve booked airline tickets for completely different dates without even speaking to us.

OP posts:

NurseCranesRolodex · 23/04/2023 15:23

Stick to your gut feeling. You don't want these toxic people who openly abuse you, anywhere near your new baby or you and neither should your DH. Either he bucks up his ideas and says it straight or he is risking his new family. When the baby is born his loyalty will immediately lie there and that's when you make clear you will not tolerate his abusive parents in the picture. Don't let them in the house.

AHugeTinyMistake · 23/04/2023 15:30

Your DH is the problem.

He should have your back and doesn't. In that case I would speak to your lovely parents & ask if you can stay with them for the duration of PIL visit.

Surely MIL would not dare be rude to you in front of your parents and if they are I'm sure your mum and dad will set them straight.

It's not ideal as I'm sure you would rather be at home, but at least you can relax when PIL are not there.

Best of luck and congrats on your baby.

loislovesstewie · 23/04/2023 15:34

Tell them that in your family it's customary for the new mother to stay at her parents for 6 weeks and be waited on hand, foot and finger without seeing anyone else. Sorry but I would come out with that.
Go to your parents, if they kick off there you've got loved ones to stand up for you. But, yes, you also have a DH problem.

Olinguita · 23/04/2023 15:34

There is a WORLD of difference between having house guests 4-6 weeks after the birth and immediately after. I would not want people have form for violent and threatening behaviour being in my home for a couple of weeks during the extreme physical and emotional vulnerability that comes with the immediate post-partum period. Either they change their flights or you go to stay with your parents. Those are your choices.

(I mean, I'm not sure I'd want them staying in my house anyway but I'm not really one to dish out advice as I'm still struggling to draw boundaries with my own inlaws.)

Just an observation -It is really normal in a lot of communities in India for the girl to go stay with her own mum to be looked after during the immediate post partum period anyway, not sure if it's the same in Sri Lanka? But in much of India the days after giving birth are really NOT the time for the guy's parents to be all up in the new mum's business. So if your husband won't set boundaries to protect you in your postpartum period in your own home, you going to stay with your mum would not necessarily be anything out of the ordinary. I'm white and only speaking from experience being married to an Indian.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 23/04/2023 15:51

I think alot of the problems are on your husband for not having a back bone! And also personally (I know everyone is different) I don’t see the massive deal about them changing the ticket dates 🤔? Obviously they won’t be there whilst you’re giving birth (congratulations!) and if you’ve opted for a home birth obviously you just state they can’t be in there..

if they are planning to stay at your house simply TELL them “sorry we’ll be getting into a routine with little one and would prefer some time to adjust, if you’ve booked tickets it’s best to book a b&b etc so we can let you know once we’re back and settled with baby”.

it’s as simple as that, I don’t get why a relationship needs to be ended etc? Your husband needs to learn to grow a back bone and tell them straight & you need to stop also stand up to them by sending just a simple message as above ⬆️

as for your family (this is why I have my opinion) is even though his parents have been rude to you, this is also there grandchild and your baby deserves to see them. I could also understand if your husband/his parents were slightly offended or annoyed at the fact your parents are there to be relied on and help with little one and see him/her. Whereas you’ve come on here and got annoyed about them changing their tickets etc so they can come and see baby? (Understandably the awful comments aswell) but relating to this.. they simply want to see there grandchild.

as another poster said meet them in a public area so it’s easy for you to leave it for them to.. OR just suggest your husband takes baby to see them? Gives you a little break to catch up on sleep (trust me you’ll need it).

it doesn’t need to be a massive deal, when all of my ones were born we had family round a few days later and sent plenty of pictures! As much as you and his parents from the sounds of it don’t get along, let you husband take little one to see them so it’s fair on both sides.

wishing you the best on your pregnancy & take care of yourself! Xx

LemonPledge555 · 23/04/2023 15:53

Simply - this is a DH problem.

LolaSmiles · 23/04/2023 15:59

Another vote here that you have a DH problem, not an in laws problem.

Most of the conflict you're experiencing is because your DH hasn't said "me and OP are married. I have chosen to start a family with her. You need to respect my wife and unborn child".

They can stay somewhere else for their stay and then can visit you/DH/baby throughout their trip to the UK. If they express disappointment that they're not living with you for a couple of months, your DH needs to grow a backbone and say "we did not agree to have house guests with a newborn. Unfortunately you chose to book tickets without discussing accomodation".
He also needs to make sure that it's clearly a JOINT decision, not a sniffling whimpering "oh I'd love you to stay with us but my mean old unreasonable wife doesn't want you here".

Theluggagerules · 23/04/2023 16:09

Agreeing you have a DH problem, but you are most definitely not BU

2bazookas · 23/04/2023 16:15

I would not want two passengers fresh from a longhaul flight, in close contat with my newborn. It's far too likely one or both will have picked up a cold or other virus en route.

Your alternative is to tell DH that
A) while you and DC are in hospital, neither he nor the IL's can control who vists you and DC. But you can and will. The staff will exclude them at your request.

B) on leaving hospital, you and DC will be going to stay with your parents. Again, the IL#s can't visit you and DC there unless you consent. And you will not. Your parents will exclude them.

"That's how it's going to be DH; so here's your choice."
Either, your parents arrive in UK and find themselves frozen out; imagine how that will damage their relationship with you their son.

Or, he persuades them to change their flight and visit 2 months later.

Up to him; you won't change your mind. He might like to consider that from your POV, if they were so offended they sever all contact, that would be very welcome.

Laughloveloneliness · 23/04/2023 16:17

You have a massive DH problem and to be honest, I couldn't be intimate with a man who failed to put me first especially with abusive parents. I get it, its easier to blame the in laws than the man you married but if it wasn't for your husband and his lack of support, his parents wouldn't affect you in any way. If he fails to support you in this then your only option is to stay elsewhere when you give birth. You KNOW they will be abusive, you can choose to stay and deal with it on your own while looking after a newborn and recovering from the birth or you can choose to create a calm space somewhere else. You know you can't rely on your DH.

EggInANest · 23/04/2023 16:19

OP, there is no way I would have had relatives staying in my house over the potential due dates. You could be a week early, or 10 days late. No I would have found it unbearable to have house guests , even loving supportive ones, when I was in early labour.

Labour, learning to feed, sleep etc, you need your ‘nest’, not a spectator arena.

Fine, ILs make a short visit to see new baby, but no way staying when you bring your newborn home.

In your shoes, if your DH did not deal with this I would definitely go and stay with my own Mum.

Fine, let them come and stay in an AirBnB, make short visits after the baby is born, but not staying with you.

It’s their own fault to sort out, they booked for dates other than those your DH told them. DH needs to hold firm on that point.

NewtyB · 23/04/2023 16:19

I would completely agree with you. I am also pregnant currently, DH parents live in Australia and originally I was terrified they would want to come over around my due date for a month and want to live with us. I was so unhappy with this but felt like we couldn't say anything as my parents are so close and will be here all the time. Luckily they are amazing and have decided to come 5 weeks after.
I agree with PP - they can be maybe treated like your parents - so staying close by and swinging by for cuddles and to help out around the house for agreed lengths of time each day/every other day? You could ask them to prepare meals etc for you as I doubt you'll want to do it yourself? Try and frame it like a blessing, extra pairs of hands? Hard I know.
Such a shame they seem to be disrespectful though, your DH needs to develop a backbone and stand up to them.

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2023 16:20

loislovesstewie · 23/04/2023 15:34

This. If your bloke won’t protect you from them, your mum certainly will. Go and stay there until they go home again.

I8toys · 23/04/2023 16:21

When are you parents seeing the child? I think its unfair for you "not to allow" them to see the child and controlling if your parents are allowed to. They need to stay elsewhere though and not with you.

londonrach · 23/04/2023 16:22

If you don't want your in-laws visiting fine but you need to be fair to both sets of grandparents which means your parents are also banned from visiting too.

Toddlerteaplease · 23/04/2023 16:25

It's their grandchild too. If your parents get to visit. Then they should too.

loislovesstewie · 23/04/2023 16:28

I think they lost a lot of their so called rights by offering violence as per the OPs original post.

Flyingsparks · 23/04/2023 16:31

loislovesstewie · 23/04/2023 15:34

Do this! Do not be afraid to pull the culture card. If they try to explain away rudeness as cultural differences, just play it against them…in my culture, the MIL keeps her mouth shut. 😂

I was in a similar situation. EXH and I from different cultures.

he was also spineless.

just put your foot down. Don’t tolerate any rudeness in your house.

If they say something offensive, tell them that in your culture, if you’re rude to the host, you are asked to leave.

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