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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD child unattended (6)

303 replies

SL472947 · 23/04/2023 09:42

I don't know what to do.

My DD6 has informed me that her dad (who she sees every other weekend) has let her go into a home bargains by herself while he waits outside with his dog.

He says that he has done it twice as it's teaching her self confidence and she can listen.

Personally I wouldn't allow her to do that alone as she is only 6. I can't explain to him that it isn't a safe thing to do as he wouldn't take anything I say onboard.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 23/04/2023 11:52

We have done this at a corner shop when dd was 8 I sent her ahead in the queue a few times then when she was 9 I had swine flu and couldn't leave the home she had to go to the co-op down the road and buy a full shop (we literally just moved and had no Internet) she managed but said it was "bladder inducing" 😂

Veryverycalmnow · 23/04/2023 11:52

Depends on the 6 year old. If asked by a strange why they were on their own mine wouldn't be able to explain and it would raise alarm. Members of staff might be called and someone might say they were a lost child etc.
Some 6 year olds are chatty and able to explain the situation.

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:53

well dont go to this shop then,
you are either walking the dog or you are going shopping.

tell her no op

notquitesoyoung · 23/04/2023 11:54

Small local shop ideally where they are known fine, Home Bargains - huge shop which may have a toilet and will have a rear goods/staff exit absolutely not.

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:54

i think most places allow people to carry dogs in, i have carried mine into sainsburys

TeaKitten · 23/04/2023 11:54

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:53

well dont go to this shop then,
you are either walking the dog or you are going shopping.

tell her no op

What good is telling her no going to do? She’s 6 and it’s not OPs choice.

WheelsUp · 23/04/2023 11:55

Tirrrrred · 23/04/2023 11:39

What the hell. Why is everyone ok with this?

I wouldn't let my 10 year old go in alone.

Your child might be going to secondary this or next September and they aren't allowed in a shop on their own? You need to work on your issues.

TeaKitten · 23/04/2023 11:55

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:54

i think most places allow people to carry dogs in, i have carried mine into sainsburys

That’s nice but home bargains doesn’t! Sainsburys don’t either so you were being very cheeky carrying a dog in. And again, not all dogs can be carried.

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:55

of course it is op's choice about her 6 year old
you dont let the 6 year old decide?
tell her dad you would prefer she didnt
job done.

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:56

thanks Teakittens,
are you a sainsbury employee?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/04/2023 11:57

Tirrrrred · 23/04/2023 11:39

What the hell. Why is everyone ok with this?

I wouldn't let my 10 year old go in alone.

Seriously, this is not good for your child to be mollycoddled in this way.

TeaKitten · 23/04/2023 11:57

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:55

of course it is op's choice about her 6 year old
you dont let the 6 year old decide?
tell her dad you would prefer she didnt
job done.

It’s not because it’s when the kid is when her dad and he’s his choice. OP said he wouldn’t listen to her so not job done or she wouldn’t have posted. The 6 year old hasn’t decided anything so what good is telling her no going to do?

WheelsUp · 23/04/2023 11:57

It's hard to judge without knowing the size of the shop. I think it's probably better that she shops while dad waits outside than vice versa. (I assume she's happy to do it)

Shopping alone is a good independence skill to have and succeeding in a task like that can be such a confidence boost.

If your dd is unfamiliar with the shop and it's a big one then I'd think his judgement is off but if they regularly go together and she knows the layout then it's fine as long as she's ok doing it. Pushing her to do stuff she's uncomfortable with could make her nervous and anxious about doing it when older.

RunningFromInsanity · 23/04/2023 11:58

My home bargains shop is 2 floors and absolutely huge. So I really think it depends on the size of the shop.

Also, for the amount of posters saying they would be fine with it, how many have actually done it? As I don’t see many (any) 6 years old wandering around alone in real life..

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:59

then teakitten
the 6 year old can listen to her mother, tell the dad mother is not happy about it
the 6 year old is obviously nervous about it otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it.
job done.
just communicate op

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 12:00

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:54

i think most places allow people to carry dogs in, i have carried mine into sainsburys

No, they don't.

You shouldn't be taking your dog into a supermarket either - I'm genuinely surprised you weren't told to get out.

roundofapplause · 23/04/2023 12:01

I get where you're coming from OP. If my DD did this with her dad on his weekend I would worry. Not because I want random people on the internet telling me he's a shit dad as suggested above, but because something like that should maybe be something that you discuss together. Whether that be you or him who lets her go into the shop alone.

In principal I think it's ok and will teach some independence but my concern would be whether she's had the stranger danger conversation about talking to strangers inside. I was always out playing that that age with my siblings and my mum didn't know exactly where we were, just that we were somewhere in the village. I feel sad that my DD's don't have the same level of freedom because kids don't just play out these days like we used to.

I'd just have a chat to her dad and check you're both on the same page about stranger danger etc.

StopStartStop · 23/04/2023 12:02

It isn't 'fine', it's irresponsible. Stores have back doors, staff toilets, storage areas, many places where an opportunist staffer or customer could abuse a child. And if her father is sending her in alone regularly, a person inclined that way will remember and be ready.

Put a stop to it. If that means putting a stop to access visits, do that too.

TeaKitten · 23/04/2023 12:02

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 11:59

then teakitten
the 6 year old can listen to her mother, tell the dad mother is not happy about it
the 6 year old is obviously nervous about it otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned it.
job done.
just communicate op

So you think the 6 year old is too young to go in a shop alone but old enough to take direction from the mum and inform the dad how he should parent her? And that the dad will
magically listen to this and not just be pissed off at mum using their child to control his parenting. And the mum using her child as a tool in this parental disagreement is decent parenting? Bizarre.

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 12:03

i dont really care if the dad is pissed of teakitten

Conkersinautumn · 23/04/2023 12:04

6 seems OK, he's outside and I'm guessing it is a shop she's familiar with.
6 is old enough for a teacher to send a child off to take something to another classroom on their own. 6 I old enough to generally have a good awareness of appropriate adults, that items must be paid for etc.
I remember at this age often being sent with mu brother to walk the dog and get milk or such on the way so one of us would go in alone to the Rainbow store (that ages me somewhat) but most six year olds need these boosts to their confidence it's so sad so many parents on here have such low expectations of their children

TeaKitten · 23/04/2023 12:05

Willmafrockfit · 23/04/2023 12:03

i dont really care if the dad is pissed of teakitten

Neither do I. What’s that got to do with anything? It still wouldn’t work.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 12:05

StopStartStop · 23/04/2023 12:02

It isn't 'fine', it's irresponsible. Stores have back doors, staff toilets, storage areas, many places where an opportunist staffer or customer could abuse a child. And if her father is sending her in alone regularly, a person inclined that way will remember and be ready.

Put a stop to it. If that means putting a stop to access visits, do that too.

In your opinion it's irresponsible.

Lots of parents on this thread have said they'd be more than happy with it.

What if you did something your ex deemed "irresponsible" - would you happy if they withheld your child from you indefinitely until you went to court to fight for access?

BoldandBright · 23/04/2023 12:07

i agree with previous posters that this sounds reasonable. She can’t get out the shop without him seeing her and I’m sure she would come back out to find dad if there was ever a problem. Does your daughter feel anxious about being in the shop on her own? Or is she okay with this arrangement?

StopStartStop · 23/04/2023 12:08

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 12:05

In your opinion it's irresponsible.

Lots of parents on this thread have said they'd be more than happy with it.

What if you did something your ex deemed "irresponsible" - would you happy if they withheld your child from you indefinitely until you went to court to fight for access?

Show quote history

This is a non-point not worth answering.

But, I'm glad of the opportunity to post again. 'Access visits' are what happened in my day. Now we have 'co-parenting' so men can opt out of paying decent child support. OP, if your child is being placed at risk (as is clearly the case) act now, rather than later.