WWYD child unattended (6)

[SL472947]

I don't know what to do.

My DD6 has informed me that her dad (who she sees every other weekend) has let her go into a home bargains by herself while he waits outside with his dog.

He says that he has done it twice as it's teaching her self confidence and she can listen.

Personally I wouldn't allow her to do that alone as she is only 6. I can't explain to him that it isn't a safe thing to do as he wouldn't take anything I say onboard.

WWYD?

This is absolutely ok at age 6.

Can't see a problem myself. In many countries kids walk to school alone from 5/6

Our local Home Bargains is massive and no, I wouldn’t let my 6 year old go in there alone. I’m sure someone will jump on me and say I’m paranoid but lots of those stores have customer toilets and a small child could be guided or carried away. Certainly in your position OP I’d be reiterating the ‘don’t go anywhere with a stranger’ message here.

HOWEVER I do think encouraging independence is a very good thing and will happily give DC some money and send them into our corner shop to buy some sweets/ a loaf of bread. It’s a small shop, I can see most of it from outside, and could find them in seconds if I was worried about how long they’d been. When they’re a couple of years older I’ll start the same thing in the supermarket.

I guess it depends on the child too- mine wouldn’t like doing this. Is your DD happy or unsettled?

I'm nearly 62 and I can vividly remember being outraged that I wasn't going to be allowed to walk to and from school alone when I started, aged 5 and a few weeks. It was a school rule. My mum would have been OK with it. It would have involved crossing a couple of roads in a residential area. Extraordinary now. I am firmly of the view that the reason people are so much more protective of young children now has a lot more to do with cars than paedophiles. There was a tipping point where there was so much more traffic on the roads that it just obviously wasn't safe for little ones to be out on their own. I believe I'm right in saying that the rate of sexual offences against and abduction of children by strangers has not gone up. It's just that we know a lot more about it now, thanks to TV and now the internet.

@VickyEadieofThigh

Excellent post

You need to build up independence in children, starting with £1 to choose sweets in a small shop, then medium sized shops like home bargains, then walking to the shop on their own ... then taking public transport and so on. They don't wake up on the 1st September in year 7 magically able to cope unless you build up to it. Equally they cannot leave home for university at 18 without the groundwork of coping skills. (This has been lucrative to me teaching basic cooking classes to 16-18 year olds, parents will outsource anything these days )

I don't think OP is coming back. She posted once, just the OP, many hours ago, so our pearls of wisdom are probably all going unread.

When we do our weekly shopping, DD age 6 chooses a few things from the list and writes them on her own list. It's usually 5/6 items. When we get to our fairly large Sainsburys, she goes off on her own to get the items. She brings them back individually, but loves the independence. She knows to ask an adult for help if she can't reach or can't find the product. If anyone tried to abduct her, I know she'd kick and scream. I don't worry about her safety and neither does my husband.

Ah, that makes sense. I think I was picturing my dh doing it (he hasn’t but if he did) and I’m not definite he’d be as verbally clear as that, and also I think I was picturing a bigger shop - more b&m size - with queues and easily breakable items for sale. I probably still wouldn’t do it personally for a 6yo but a couple of years older or a small village shop I would. Part of my reasoning would be the potential issue for staff if they should see an unattended young child, especially if there was an issue like a breakage. I feel like an 8-10yo tends to be a lot more capable and aware of what they’re doing/the shopping basket they’re holding etc. Then again, my ds is likely to have adhd so perhaps that also makes a difference to my thinking.

I do disagree with posters talking about toddlers going to shops alone in other countries. If a culture is very used to that, provisions are different, people tend to be more aware and the UK culture isn’t really set up for that. I’m pretty sure Japanese families interviewed stated they wouldn’t feel the same about it living in London or New York. The wider picture suggests it isn’t a be all and end all for happy, well-adjusted children and adults. Also those specific toddlers were not alone, but watched by cameras and it isn’t that these things are unachievable - children in the UK achieve these things when needed for survival, including making baby bottles up for siblings and doing the school run or making dinner and bathing babies - imo it’s about whether the child is emotionally ready and the balance of risk. Equally, in lots of countries where children walk alone to school, this is because there is no adult available and school is a long way away and there are plenty of risks and negative situations. Luckily in the UK we have less of that, but it’s a difficult thing to directly compare culture to culture and place to place.

I think you’re absolutely right to take issue with this. Just because he’s outside the shop doesn’t mean she’s safe. What if something were to happen while she was in the shop? You have no idea who would bump into her. A 6 year old is a child & is too young to be given the kind of independence. She needs an adult present to keep her safe. I’d definitely have a word.

I've seen the general consensus on here being against letting children this age go into the toilets on their own in a shop/mall because of predators. B&Ms are massive and there is a toilet in my local one. Anyone could entice her in there. Just genuinely curious why people are ok about a 6 year old going into B&M alone and out of sight but not a toilet?

As long as she is ok with it I can absolutely not see any harm in this. What do you think might happen?

Depends how big the shop is for me.

Last year I sent my then 5 and 3 year old together into the Sainsburys local because I couldn't go in. It's small and I was right by the door so for the most part I could see them. They wouldn't have tried to go in the back, they just picked their sweets and went to pay.

I would be fine with them doing the same in our Co-op now which is a bit bigger but absolutely not a proper supermarket.

I am trying to teach them independence in small doses which means now at the ages of 5 and 7 I am not supervising their every move. At some point they need to be let out into the big wide world and its good for them and for me. If I could I would keep them with me forever (well probably not but I sometimes feel like it!) but they are their own people and need to find their own way. Start slowly and work your way up which is probably what your daughters dad has in mind assuming it's not a superstore.

Hmm, I would be uncomfortable with this too but on the other hand I was never allowed anywhere by myself until I was about 11 or 12 (I'm mid 40's). My mum was always worried that someone would "snatch" me and is constantly warning me not to let my DC6 out of my sight for the same reason (she worries if they are in the - fully enclosed - back garden without an adult too being able to see them through the window isn't enough she often tells me that it isn't safe a stranger might come into our garden & take DC - so nothing has changed). My view is probably influenced by my own upbringing & I might be over cautious. With regard to my own child though I'd also be concerned that they'd take ages and/or accidentally not pay for everything or not wait for change. We usually use cards rather than cash so that's my fault for not teaching her how to use cash. I'd probably also be worried that someone would say to themselves hey why has a 6 year old been left unattended and they call the police or something!

Small shop yes - huge supermarket no- not at 6 - I don’t shop in home bargains but think they are pretty large - anyone could be roaming around in there - not worth the risk

I’m going against everyone here too sorry. Any old perv could see her on her own and take pics of her or try and talk to her etc. plus what if she had an accident in there? Yes she can tell someone her dads outside but I’m not sure ss would be best pleased. 6 is too young.

Don’t really understand how so many people can say he’s not in the wrong. I have a 5, nearly 6 yo and there is absolutely no way I would let her go in anywhere by herself. Do people not realise how many weirdos there are around they could easily sneak her out under jacket or using something or find another back exit. Not to mention the peados that could be lurking in the toilets. Absolutely no way I would loose my shit if my kids dad this this. How irresponsible

Small shops ie local Paper Shop possibly at 6 yes, send them in with cash etc to learn transactions.

Home Bargains is a fairly big shop? For this I would not do this at 6, a 6 year old in a large shop just doesn’t feel right imo. Someone doesn’t have to leave the shop to do something wrong. However other people on here think it’s ok, so I’m probably over thinking or in the minority.

Luckily not everyone is this paranoid.

I can see both sides. Home bargains tend to be very big stores with potentially a back exit through a stock room. I don't think he would be able to see her for the whole time she is in the shop. While he may be teaching her independence I'd maybe start in a smaller shop where you could actually keep an eye on her.

I have a six Yr old and wouldn't do this with them. Would not be for me. There r other ways of developing indepence in this age group and mine would not be able to manage money or change appropriately. They currently have 25 quid and they think they are richer than the king.

I think your looking for a row out if nothing. He's waiting outside he's probably able to see her from the door.
And it's his time with her so he's in charge.

Home bargains is maybe a bit big? But my daughter has been going into the corner shop/bakery by herself since she was 4. She loves it!
I think she might be a bit nervous about a big shop like that though.

I wouldn’t have liked or accepted that when my DD was 6.
A few things that could happen
.A stranger enticing her to loo’s saying mummy is in there.
. Being inappropriately touched
.Getting panicky because she can’t see you
.Being scolded by an adult
.Being approached and asked where her adult is
.loosing her money and getting upset
.Being bullied by older children

she doesn’t need to be independent at 6.

My DC are 7 and 10. At 6 I’d have let my now 7 year old as he is quite mature and sensible but also cautious around strangers. I wouldn’t have let my now 10 year old. She’s less mature and will talk to anyone, befriending people wherever she goes. Her friendliness is lovely but it also makes her vulnerable.

I think this, like so many things, is entirely dependant on the child.

Mine sometimes struggles shopping on their own so might get overwhelmed. If it's a simple trip to buy sweets and she knows where to find him if she hits a problem, I'd be fine with that.