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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you have ever felt an instant mutual sexual attraction to someone?

208 replies

Margot78 · 22/04/2023 22:32

Just wondering if people really experience this or whether it’s just in movies! I’m mid forties now so probably too late for me but just curious as to whether it does really happen!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 25/04/2023 13:18

Yes. Has happened a few times.

Once when it was a bit of a "forbidden fruit". He was older and related to one of my best friends. But I was so incredibly drawn to him. I still recall the intensity of it 20+ years down the line. We met several times through my friend when I was 18/19, nothing happened per se but we would always end up finding excuses to not leave each other (he missed a flight once). A few years later our paths crossed again and this time there was zero restraint. I had the most intoxicating, intense and insatiable summer with my friends cousin. It didn't go any further as I was still young and he was in the whole house buying / settling down phase but my God did we have a wonderful few months. And thankfully my friend was supportive of the whole thing.

Friend and I are still close two decades later and I exchange Christmas / Birthday cards with her cousin. We always ask after each other but live at opposite ends of the country and never saw each after "that summer"

I also had it with my DP but second time around. We had dated as teenagers (for almost 3 years) and were first loves etc but it was all very pure and innocent. We did lose our virginity to one another but it was a very chaste and simple relationship. We parted ways when we were 17. Met again, by pure random chance, 10 years later. Literally bumped into each other in the street and that was it. I dragged him to a party I was going to, we sat up all night talking. I went home with him and never left. In those early days I couldn't be physically close enough to him, it was such an intense and profound connection.

We are now 15 years (and several houses, 3 kids, several pets plus bereavements and disabilities and difficulties) down the line but we still have the spark - albeit not all the time!!

Bansheed · 25/04/2023 22:27

Anyotherdude · 24/04/2023 22:40

Many years ago I visited a place in Sheffield with my adored DH and DC’s.
While walking around, a couple walked past us - the man looked at me and I experienced the weirdest physical attraction I had ever felt, and I realised that so did he.
I walked away, as did he, but there was definitely something there! I thought that it felt like a crossover from a previous life, and chose my current one. We are still together and as much in love now as we have been for nearly 40 years. I think that you sometimes get a glimpse of what could have been, but realise that you are in the right place at the right time…

How do people square this in their minds? If my partner felt the moments of thwarted love enough to write about them years later, I simply wouldn't want him to be with me. I recognise that I am the issue in that statement. It isn't just jealousy, more of a fear that someone settled for an easy life with me.

How do other people rationalise it? Genuinely.

Pebstk · 25/04/2023 23:07

My husband

GarlicGrace · 26/04/2023 05:19

Bansheed · 25/04/2023 22:27

How do people square this in their minds? If my partner felt the moments of thwarted love enough to write about them years later, I simply wouldn't want him to be with me. I recognise that I am the issue in that statement. It isn't just jealousy, more of a fear that someone settled for an easy life with me.

How do other people rationalise it? Genuinely.

Show quote history

I can't answer for @Anyotherdude but it's not a case of 'settling for', it's an active choice not to follow an impulse.

I've walked on past moments like that because I had to get to an important meeting. The moments are still vividly burned into my mind decades later, but it doesn't mean I should have risked my career at that time.

Even if you've not experienced this same thing, you must have dismissed a powerful desire of some sort for the sake of a higher priority? We can't let FOMO run our whole lives all the time: to get one thing, you usually have to sacrifice another.

Would be fun if we could do it all Grin But, clearly, it's better to be the higher priority than the unexpected impulse!

Anyotherdude · 26/04/2023 23:27

@Bansheed what was I supposed to “square”? It was just a very strange and unusual (for me, anyway) feeling, and my memory was jogged by the OP’s question.
It was in no way “thwarted love”, just a powerful sense of attraction that was very unusual for me - a “Sliding Doors” moment, if you like.
DH and I discussed it at the time - because we are adults and talk about our feelings (even the weird ones). I’m happy to report that he doesn’t feel like you would if your partner mentioned such a strange feeling to you. That’s because he (and I) are very secure in our relationship (35+ years married and still best of friends, partners and lovers).
Guilt or shame should be reserved for actions, not for fleeting, mad, temporary, split-second thoughts and feelings! I hope you are able to square your own jealous thoughts with the (presumably) stable partnership you appear to have. Don’t throw it away over a non-event…

Hawkins003 · 26/04/2023 23:31

I guess it's a mix at times

peachgreen · 26/04/2023 23:42

Oh absolutely. Weirdly though I didn’t feel it with late DH. I fell instantly in love with him, and knew he felt the same, but it wasn’t sexual attraction, it was something different.

Scot75 · 12/05/2023 00:04

Yes. Still there 2 years later. I was 45.

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