Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

[user1488481370]

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

The last birthday party I had was for my 35th. I already realised that all the parents were too busy and people were moving away. I would have loved a big 40th or 45th but I couldn't have handled tiny numbers even if very understandable.

Personally if this had happened to me, I'd be fading those friends out unless they had organised something separately for me with them. I'd move heaven and earth to make a party for my best friend, and I'm a single parent with minimal childcare.

It sounds more like bad or late planning by your SIL than a snub by your friends. One of many reasons why I'm not in general a fan of surprise parties: too much scope for things to go wrong and then be over-interpreted or misinterpreted.

Op's lovely SIL and Mil paid for it and the friends were aware.

Unless you normally have a candid relationship with them (in which case I think it’s highly unlikely you’d be posting this here) I don’t see what you are hoping to gain from confronting them/asking them why. If this is out of character, then it will strain your relationship to be accusing in anyway and it will put them on the spot if it’s an issue with how SiL handled it or some other difficulty with the organization or relationships between the attendees. They’ll likely make more excuses to try and spare your feelings and you’ll still feel let down.

If it’s exactly what you’ve come to expect of them, then just cut them out. Confronting them will not make you feel better, you’ll just get more of the same from them.

I suspect this is simply a matter of well intentioned attempt on your SiL’s part that failed to understand the dynamics of the group she was trying to organize. If she had to do so much to even try and accommodate them in the first place it sounds like they were trying to signal her from very early on that it wasn’t something they wanted to be involved in and your SiL failed to read the room (personally I find the convoluted making excuses method of communication infuriating and prone to exactly this sort of failure, but you only have to read MN for an hour to realise it’s how a huge number of people try to say no in the UK).

OP, irrespective of all of this, even prior to this, would they describe you as their “best friend” do you think?

Sometimes afternoon tea is expensive and not the best value for money

Are people not actually reading the thread… there was no cost. Even if there was a cost what prevents someone from responding and declining rather than ignoring the messages?

It sounds more like bad or late planning by your SIL than a snub by your friends

In what way is January late planning especially when the venue was changed for them and lifts arranged? Even if it was badly planned wouldn’t you just make a flying appearance with a present and a hug and a big apology before you hit the bingo hall ? Wouldn’t you organise a girls night out by way of compensation. Some of you must have exceptionally bad manners to think their overall behaviour is acceptable. I’m glad you’re not in my friendship group.

Why do people deflect and invalidate in their replies? The fact someone else may not give a stuff about birthdays is irrelevant. It isn’t really about them not going either, because as disappointed as you’d be that’s understandable. But it’s the utter ignorance and rudeness of how they’ve dealt with the situation. If they didn’t want to attend then say so, in advance. Don’t just ignore or go along with it then, cancel. Rude. Now they’ve shown their arses OP, I hope you take them at ‘face’ value…

This makes it so much worse.

I am sorry they’ve hurt you.

You only really have two options, confront them or end the friendship with no explanation. You aren’t going to move on without saying something.

I really don’t get this attitude from some on Mumsnet that ‘ well, they are your friend but you can’t expect them to actually do anything for you’. That’s a light acquaintance, not a friend. A friend isn’t just a laugh in the pub. A friend is more than that

I agree. I love my friends and we you know, are there for each other! I dont understand this view on MN that you have "friends" yet you never get in touch with them, never support them, never wish them happy birthday etc or make any kind of effort at all for them. I hate to break it to those people but they actually dont have "friends" at all- they have people that they know. Thats it.

I can't believe how nasty some people have been to you on here, OP. You are upset and quite rightly so. It's been a horrible experience for you. I hope you manage to deal with it and come out the other side soon. 💐

Agree with @Whoknewwhat . I would be as gutted as you OP.

I would try to focus on the people who did make an effort to be there (you clearly have people who do care) and try to accept that these three are not good friends. I know it's harder said than done though. Unfortunately big occasions like birthdays and weddings tend to force you to assess the nature of your relationships in a way that's easy to avoid day to day.

On the plus side, sounds like you have a lovely family.

I would consider asking these friends, particularly the best friend, straight out - in person - 1:1. What exactly have you got to lose? Friends who, when asked nicely to come to a free milestone birthday party, can't be bothered to respond or cancel? They don't sound like much of a loss. If you are a people pleaser then I can see why they want to be friends with you - but why do you want to be friends with them? Don't let them hurt you like this. Ask them individually in person and clear it up one way or another. And quit people pleasing!

That’s hurtful, sorry OP and hope you had a great birthday despite that 🥂

That is awful Op. I am so sorry. They sound like very selfish people.
Sending you a hug. You deserve better. 💐

People are shit. Most of my so called friends didn't bother to come to my wedding. We don't speak anymore. I now have such anxiety around people not showing up for things I won't have any kind of big celebration again. My 40th is coming up and I don't want a party because I'd worry too much that noone would come.

feel like i'd be pretty miffed if i was your SIL to be honest, went to all this effort for you for your birthday and you are seemingly only banging on about the people that weren't there

i hope you were grateful

Is it worth messaging them in as a vn ‘ hey, just wanted to raise this with you as I’ve been feeling upset. I wondered why you weren’t able to make my birthday? Sil said she has given lots of notice, paid for the day and offered a lift. I’d like to clear the air because I’m left feeling like I’ve done something wrong’

sending you a hug x

I totally get it, more so that it was a big birthday. They were given notice, are local and it wasn't a flight to marbella in terms of cost/effort. You see so many OTT events these days I'd understand if it was something extravagant.

Bingo? Not responding to any messages? All shitty behaviour and I'd just be honest and say how hurt you were that they didn't come with no valid reason.

It's weird that they didn't even say afterward "how was your surprise thing? So sorry I couldn't be there, hope you had fun" etc. Or arranged some champagne at the event. Like they're not even acknowledging it?

Change your friends. I would never do that to my best friend. If I can't go I'd apologize and prepare a gift to be delivered.

I’m really sorry this happened to you and you have every right to be upset. There is no excuse for dropping out or not replying. I seriously think some people have become so lacking in any kind of loyalty or commitment. I’d distance myself from those “ friends” and concentrate on the people who love you and who were there for you x

Totally justified feelings and reaction. It's awful to be confronted with clear evidence that those you consider your nearest and dearest, don't feel the same way you do.

Most of us encounter this at some point either like this - birthdays etc, or when we're in crisis and need support/help/a friendly ear.

I would try to focus on the positives, if you can.

1 cebrate what wonderful SILs and caring husband you have. My SIL despised me from the day she met me for stealing her big brother and for 20 years went out of her way to make me suffer for it; and after putting up with that and taking it so as not to cause family rifts, we ended up separating! Good SILs are very underrated

2 you know how they see the friendship. You can adjust your behaviour/feelings to a more appropriate level for the type of friendship it is.

3 you can invest less in the friendships as they're not as important as you may have thought, which gives you time, energy and emotional capacity to find other relationships to invest more in

4 Doesn't hurt any less but - you're probably a better friend than they are. It's not about you - it's about them. And deep down you know this.

And so on...

Personally, I would need to say something and so I would. I'd probably write an honest text telling how hurt, disappointed and upset I am and how at least now I know how we stand. And then I'd not send it.

I'd review it an hour or two later and tweak it. And not send it. Then I'd sleep on it, tweak again and decide whether to send or not.

As I've gotten older and wiser (or maybe giving less of a shit!), I tend to not send. The writing it down and getting what I want need to say right is cathartic and enough, most times.

But I would say something short and 'closed' along theines imof

'hi. You missed a lovely special birthday afternoon tea. And you were missed - I was quite upset and hurt you chose not to come. I wanted to tell you how I feel. It's not to start a discussion so please don't.

Speak soon x'

And yes, it will change the dynamic(s) but they've already done that.

If they are your closest friends and it was a special Birthday I’m wondering whether they were thinking of planning something with you and this perhaps stepped on their toes? You really need to have the conversation calmly and tell them you were sad they couldn’t make it but without blame.