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Original poster

Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

308 replies

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

OP posts:
Barney60 · 23/04/2023 12:15

Happy birthday OP.
Have your friends arranged something else?
Have they met your SIL before, do they perhaps not like her?
If they get on, friends not even mentioned your birthday, then in my opinion they are not friends.
Delete them ignore them move on and make new friends that im sure your worthy of.

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 12:17

Colourfingers2 · 23/04/2023 11:19

Why do women make such a fuss about birthdays? I don’t know of any men who do.
I’ve barely even acknowledged my birthday since I was 21 as I no longer saw the point. I was 48 on Friday and I went to my friends funeral I didn’t even mention that I’d been born 48 years before.
I just think yeah so what I was born, who hasn’t been.
Frankly like Christmas it bores me. I make an effort to mark my children’s birthdays because it’s important to them but once you’ve grown up you should grow out of it in my opinion. I did.
After all if you expect everyone to mark every occasion then somewhere along the line you’re going to be disappointed aren’t you OP.

What exactly was the point of your post?
OK, so you are a joy sponge, but why spread your joylessness to other people who do like to celebrate their birthday? It doesn't make you morally superior.

Oblomov23 · 23/04/2023 12:18

The more you tell us the worse it gets. I would have to say something. To at least tell them that I was very hurt.

FrostyFifi · 23/04/2023 12:41

Why do women make such a fuss about birthdays? I don’t know of any men who do

Don't you? I have a friend who said to me, of course my birth day will really be a birthday week, then started reeling off the list of social events that were to take place in his honour.

whynotwhatknot · 23/04/2023 14:00

poor excuses they arent real friends

happinessischocolate · 23/04/2023 14:17

Okthenhun · 23/04/2023 10:18

I say this as someone who (as I’ve got older and more introverted) hates feeling obligated to go to events such as hen dos, birthdays, nights out etc and I usually always stick up for people that don’t want to go to such things on MN:

Your “friends” are total cunts. You have every right to feel upset. I’d be devastated if my friends treated me like this.

Im so sorry OP. Bin them off. 💐

I agree with this.

I was going to suggest having one last conversation with each of them, just to find out their side but if your DH spoke to your BF and she still didn't come, but managed to go to bingo then there's nothing to say really.

TedMullins · 23/04/2023 14:22

Whoknewwhat · 23/04/2023 09:33

I actually disagree with this. All relationships between adults involve reciprocity and obligation if the relationship is to survive. Birthday celebrations are to show your love and liking for the person, that they are worth celebrating. It’s obviously painful if you invite a small number of special people and they don’t show up. And the friends will know this is the effect of their no show. We all put ourselves out for friends. Friendships grow that way. Someone who never puts themselves out for a friend, well that is someone who you will cease to have friendly feelings for over time.

I really don’t get this attitude from some on Mumsnet that ‘ well, they are your friend but you can’t expect them to actually do anything for you’. That’s a light acquaintance, not a friend. A friend isn’t just a laugh in the pub. A friend is more than that.

Show quote history

Agree with this. I think there is an obligation to go to friend’s birthdays and do things for them, but good friends would WANT to be there and make the effort. These aren’t good friends.

Horsedoglover59 · 23/04/2023 16:04

Is it possible your friends had a falling out with S-I-L? Do they know her and get on with her? Maybe they'd been planning to take you out themselves. I do think you should try to find out why they didn't show, then if the excuses are poor, then they are not real friends. I'm so sorry, OP, and hope you had a good birthday in any case🍾

MsRosley · 23/04/2023 16:38

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 09:18

It's fine to be disappointed OP but you're talking about this like it is an obligation for your friends. It's not. They can be good friends and not come to this celebration.

No they can't. Not unless you've completely redefined the word 'friend'. Friends reciprocate, and understand that big events mean a lot to people. Friends also understand it's hurtful when others can't be arsed to make an effort.

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 16:59

The other (the one who I consider my best friend and practically lives next door) went to bingo with her husband instead.

What a shitty thing to do. Prioritising bingo, which happens every week, over a free party. Awful, just awful.

GoodChat · 23/04/2023 17:12

I'd only be pissed off with the bingo friend.

Ill friend might have social anxiety and wanted to get out but just couldn't bring herself to do it

usernother · 23/04/2023 17:50

OP I had someone I considered a very good friend not turn up to my surprise birthday party. I've not spoken to her since. It was a big deal to me for her not to make the effort or to even message me afterwards to say why she didn't come.

AllyArty · 23/04/2023 18:00

I’m so sorry OP, it’s a hard pill to swallow. I haven’t read all the posts so sorry if u have mentioned this but did they decide not to go individually or did they get together (behind everyone’s back) and make the decision collectively? I don’t know how u get over the hurt but as the days turn into weeks the hurt will lesson. Some people are selfish and unkind and just don’t consider the impact of their actions on others. Hold your head up high-you have done nothing wrong 💐

Ellieeyeballs · 23/04/2023 18:01

I know exactly how you feel op… recently had a big birthday myself and none of my so called friends turned up or even bothered replying to say they couldn’t make it etc, they read the messages, so no excuse there. I have given up on friends now, literally don’t have a single friend I can rely on anymore

Ohgollymolly · 23/04/2023 18:07

I wouldn’t get too upset.

From experience these things always get nasty. Someone will take over, they will dictate the event and budget.

I was involved with an afternoon tea for a pregnant friends hen do. One girl took over and it was awful. One idea the majority of us liked wasn’t special enough, the other was too expensive and then the one we settled on wasn’t good enough. The take over friend then kept suggesting ‘it would be nice’ to buy the bride a cake for the morning of the wedding (is this a thing?), then get her a £200 bridal jacket!! To top it off it was a cheap registry office wedding that the majority of us were not invited to!

Then there was awkward silence on the group chat when the bride had told the take over friend that she wanted a baby shower a few months later 😬.

If your friends didn’t go, there must be a valid reason. I’d reach out to them to see if they are ok.

bringbacksideburns · 23/04/2023 18:09

Focus on the positive. At least a surprise party was organised for you!

I wouldn’t confront anyone tbh Bingo friend is a sad loss and I’d just stop making the effort with her. Ignore her messages the way she ignored your party ones.

Give the one who always makes excuses the benefit of the doubt for now. Maybe she struggles with social occasions when she doesn’t know everyone?

Focus on the people who were there and made such an effort for you.

Tuskanini · 23/04/2023 18:12

You were hurt. That doesn’t mean anyone hurt you.

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 18:30

You were hurt. That doesn’t mean anyone hurt you.

So, if someone decided to go to bingo instead of coming to your birthday would you not even feel the tiniest bit let down @Tuskanini ? Really?

You must be very thick skinned.

mylifestory · 23/04/2023 18:37

Ask them what their better offer was?!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 18:43

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 18:30

You were hurt. That doesn’t mean anyone hurt you.

So, if someone decided to go to bingo instead of coming to your birthday would you not even feel the tiniest bit let down @Tuskanini ? Really?

You must be very thick skinned.

Isn't that the point?

That it's okay )and natural) for OP to feel hurt and let-down, but that that doesn't mean her friends deliberately set out to let her down and hurt her?

Tanktanktank · 23/04/2023 18:46

I’d be totally sure they did receive the message before dropping them as friends. My DIL regularly give my DGS2 her phone to watch video’s and he’s touched things and she missed messages I’ve sent her. If I don’t hear from her I will often ring the next day.

LuluBlakey1 · 23/04/2023 18:46

Fancy going to the bingo with her husband rather than an afternoon tea. I'd much rather have a treat afternoon tea with my friends.

Summerfun54321 · 23/04/2023 18:49

If they're best friends just ask them surely. "Shame you couldnt make it today" at least and see what they say. Totally reasonable to ask best friends why they weren't there directly.

Viviennemary · 23/04/2023 18:53

Was everyone paying for their own. Sometimes afternoon tea is expensive and not the best value for money. It is disappointing though.

Tuskanini · 23/04/2023 18:53

RampantIvy · 23/04/2023 18:30

You were hurt. That doesn’t mean anyone hurt you.

So, if someone decided to go to bingo instead of coming to your birthday would you not even feel the tiniest bit let down @Tuskanini ? Really?

You must be very thick skinned.

That isn’t QUITE what happened, is it! But we all tend to think OUR occasions merit a three line whip for our friends. They don’t.