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Original poster

Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

308 replies

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

OP posts:
PrinceHaz · 23/04/2023 23:02

I thin’ they've told you how much they value your friendship. I’d start to distance myself. No point speaking to them about it, won’t achieve anything except upset.

LucyAutumn · 23/04/2023 23:05

This is horrible, I'm so so sorry OP. Have you managed to talk to any of them?

MyStarBoy · 23/04/2023 23:08

Personally I couldn’t forgive that.
What a nasty self-centered bunch.
I wouldn’t even bother to ask them why, as you’ll only be more insulted with their crap excuses.

Find some better ones because these ones clearly aren’t worth it💐💐💐

YDBear · 24/04/2023 01:21

It’s shitty news OP but you have to face it: you just aren’t as important to them as you thought. One went to bingo instead of going to your thing? This person isn’t a “friend,” just an acquaintance you chat with occasionally. What you do with this information is up to you. You could ignore if and go on actings as if you are all BFFs. Or be distinctly chilly. Up to you. But if this was your friendship group, then you were mistaken and, were I in your place, I would be looking to make new, and better, friends.

AH1973 · 24/04/2023 01:33

My BF didn't come to my Hen night or wedding...
We haven't spoken since, ( around 14 years ) ...Best decision I made...I realised what I always knew, ....she was a toxic Narcissist

maddy68 · 24/04/2023 01:43

Si they had plans before they were asked ! You are not more import than other commitments that have been arranged get over yourself

ChellyT · 24/04/2023 02:19

I'm devastated with you, not knowing all the details and coming to all the worse conclusions. I truly hope that there was/is a decent excuse and that you can salvage the friendships. Treasured friendships can be just as valuable to us as much as loved family. Happy Birthday 💐

crazyaboutcats · 24/04/2023 03:03

I'd be furious. It's not about them not attending your birthday, it's about them messing your family about who paid, moved the location to suit them, offered lifts and were then ignored or cancelled on last minute, and then had to explain why they weren't there to you instead of having the lovely time they had put so much effort into.

However, if I were your family I'd be pretty cheesed off with you too being so invested in others who do not reciprocate that you allowed them not showing to put a downer on their time and efforts with you

user1477391263 · 24/04/2023 04:11

They sound selfish and rude.

I’m getting quite cross about how self centered a lot of people have become since COVID in particular. Dropping out of things last minute, or just plan refusing to make time for friends.

I think it’s time to make some better friends. At least you have what sounds like a nice partner and a nice extended family!

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2023 04:37

SarahsHoneydew · 23/04/2023 22:44

If they are your closest friends and it was a special Birthday I’m wondering whether they were thinking of planning something with you and this perhaps stepped on their toes? You really need to have the conversation calmly and tell them you were sad they couldn’t make it but without blame.

I think that’s a good point. However, they could and should have explained this if it were the case. It’s extremely immature to just not turn up and not planning anything. An afternoon tea doesn’t take up much time. They could easily have gone to that and organised something else as well and adjusted their expectations.

suburbophobe · 24/04/2023 04:49

Gosh, sorry it didn't work out as it was planned or how you wished OP.

The people who were there for you did a wonderful thing. Maybe not everyone could make it. Or your friends were busy, having their own situations, were tired, etc. Life is stressful these days. Don't take it personally.

Nothing stopping you organising another get-together with them.

Personally, I'm not into "big celebrations" unless it's a family wedding or some such.

RoseGoldEagle · 24/04/2023 05:17

The oh so reasonable posts proclaiming they didn’t have to go and the OP’s reading too much info it are so strange to me. I’d be really upset by this too, OP. Of course if they’d had genuine reasons- been on holiday, money issues (as you say not the case here as your SIL and Mum paid), that would have been understandable- most people in those circumstances would have then sent a gift or drink along, but that isn’t the case here anyway. It sounds like they just couldn’t really be bothered. But will still expect you to make an effort for their events. I think you need to take some time OP to have a think about these friendships, but know it’s not your fault, and maybe distance yourself a bit and spend time on other people that will make time for you. I’m really sorry, it’s rubbish.

Sailingaround · 24/04/2023 06:28

I’m glad sanity and decency has prevailed a bit more in the last few pages, i despaired reading the initial posts - page after page of excuses for close friends who lived local turning up.

The only surprise party I haven’t made it to is one which was taking place in another country and I wouldn’t have been able to get the time off work nor afford the flight!

OP, your friends sound like the ones I had in my 20s. I was relocating from my hometown to London and I found out that two friends tried to organise a small surprise party for me but various of my “close friends” all had excuses so they weren’t able to hold it . What I later realised is those friendships were not reciprocal and were in fact based on the expectation of me making most of the effort. I am no longer friends with any of those people and have pruned my social circle so much.

I feel it’s likely a similar dynamic is present with your friends. So, they see you as pleasant, maybe even fun and definitely as a reliable friend. They were happy with you playing a role as side character but they are uncomfortable and even jealous at the thought of you being in the spotlight in and being celebrated as a ‘main character’ even for a day. It would likely turn their stomach to see people make a fuss of you!

GoodChat · 24/04/2023 06:46

maddy68 · 24/04/2023 01:43

Si they had plans before they were asked ! You are not more import than other commitments that have been arranged get over yourself

No, they agreed to go and then dropped out.

Mortimercat · 24/04/2023 07:22

maddy68 · 24/04/2023 01:43

Si they had plans before they were asked ! You are not more import than other commitments that have been arranged get over yourself

They had months of notice. One of them went to bingo, surely they could have gone without bingo on that particular night.

Original poster
user1488481370 · 24/04/2023 07:37

incandescentglow · 23/04/2023 20:49

feel like i'd be pretty miffed if i was your SIL to be honest, went to all this effort for you for your birthday and you are seemingly only banging on about the people that weren't there

i hope you were grateful

I was very grateful and it was her who told me that most of my friends had dropped out and my brother told me when I got back that my friends are a bunch of c**ts which made me wonder what on earth had gone on.

I was and am incredibly grateful to SIL and the only time I mentioned my no show friends was after she bought it up on the way home. I’m not an ungrateful person but I’m allowed to be upset and hurt over it.

OP posts:
Blizzard23 · 24/04/2023 07:44

user1488481370 · 24/04/2023 07:37

I was very grateful and it was her who told me that most of my friends had dropped out and my brother told me when I got back that my friends are a bunch of c**ts which made me wonder what on earth had gone on.

I was and am incredibly grateful to SIL and the only time I mentioned my no show friends was after she bought it up on the way home. I’m not an ungrateful person but I’m allowed to be upset and hurt over it.

Show quote history

What are going to do to address this op?

I really feel for you.

Original poster
user1488481370 · 24/04/2023 08:02

crazyaboutcats · 24/04/2023 03:03

I'd be furious. It's not about them not attending your birthday, it's about them messing your family about who paid, moved the location to suit them, offered lifts and were then ignored or cancelled on last minute, and then had to explain why they weren't there to you instead of having the lovely time they had put so much effort into.

However, if I were your family I'd be pretty cheesed off with you too being so invested in others who do not reciprocate that you allowed them not showing to put a downer on their time and efforts with you

Ok right, for the record. I’m not an arsehole and I’m pretty certain my family have no idea how upset I am about all of this. They all went to a lot of effort for me and I’m
incredibly grateful for the love that I was shown that day.

OP posts:
daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 08:18

I'm so sorry OP- you are right to feel let down and disappointed. You made it very clear you were super grateful for the effort gone into organising this so ignore the rudeness.

How are you planning to deal with this? I wouldnt end the friendship but I would certainly drop the rope as it were and stop making such an effort for these "friends" and see what happens. This will be the true test if they care about you. Often we dont realise that we are doing all the work with friendships and it can be quite shocking when we stop doing that and see what happens. Friendship has to go both ways, obv there are times when one person makes more of an effort and then the other does but one sided friendships just dont work because it shows a complete lack of care on their part. Drop the rope and see if they pick up the slack- that will tell you all you need to know about their true intentions.

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2023 08:22

I definitely agree that they were UR but I also think your SIL was too and I disagree you should be grateful for her efforts.

She threw you a surprise party which looks nice on the surface but she knew that many of your friends weren’t coming and still went ahead anyway. Add in the fact that you said yourself you don’t make a fuss and not used to be the centre of the attention, makes it even more strange why she thought it was a good idea to begin with and didn’t just ask your husband from the beginning, take you out herself, or did it as a family thing. What tips it for me is that your husband told her to cancel it knowing you would be upset and she still went ahead.

Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t throw a surprise party (or at all unless I knew the person very well) under these circumstances and would do something else.

Novatherova · 24/04/2023 08:22

user1488481370 · 24/04/2023 08:02

Ok right, for the record. I’m not an arsehole and I’m pretty certain my family have no idea how upset I am about all of this. They all went to a lot of effort for me and I’m
incredibly grateful for the love that I was shown that day.

Show quote history

You're totally not an a hole! They're only interested in themselves.

daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 08:25

She threw you a surprise party which looks nice on the surface but she knew that many of your friends weren’t coming and still went ahead anyway

One of them dropped out last minute though so not really the case at all. I wouldnt scrap a celebration I had planned for months, and booked in advance just because one person dropped out, especially when I had gone out of my way to offer lifts and done everything in my power to enable them to attend. If it had been cancelled then nothing would have been done at all for OP's birthday!

Bunnichick · 24/04/2023 08:28

You don't know what went on in discussions between them. I was invited to a hen do recently and the maid of honour was actually quite direct in terms of telling everyone what we were doing and when. There was no discussion of dates (I know this is a bit different if it is a birthday) or venues and told everyone we were going to expensive hen do (over £1500) on a particular weekend. A few people said no. I said yes and it was interesting how maid of honour had relayed this to the bride, my good friend. My friend was telling me how a few of them had really strict budgets and weren't very open to going so I told her actually the maid of honour was quite clear in terms of what was happening and there didn't seem to be much attempt to include others.

Your SIL was good to organise this but you don't know that she chose what suited her and her friends or that she wasn't a bit rude to your other friends. We don't know but don't assume it's your friends if they're usually good friends.

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2023 08:32

daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 08:25

She threw you a surprise party which looks nice on the surface but she knew that many of your friends weren’t coming and still went ahead anyway

One of them dropped out last minute though so not really the case at all. I wouldnt scrap a celebration I had planned for months, and booked in advance just because one person dropped out, especially when I had gone out of my way to offer lifts and done everything in my power to enable them to attend. If it had been cancelled then nothing would have been done at all for OP's birthday!

And the others didn’t come which SIL knew they weren’t. One friend of OP’s her mum, MIL and SIL’s friends.

She could have turned it around and done something else. How do you know nothing would have been done for OP’s birthday?

OP has a husband and a mum. Her husband knows her a lot better than SIL and no one told SIL to plan a surprise party to begin with.

You don’t plan those things unless you know the person well because many people do not like fuss on their birthdays.

daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 08:34

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2023 08:32

And the others didn’t come which SIL knew they weren’t. One friend of OP’s her mum, MIL and SIL’s friends.

She could have turned it around and done something else. How do you know nothing would have been done for OP’s birthday?

OP has a husband and a mum. Her husband knows her a lot better than SIL and no one told SIL to plan a surprise party to begin with.

You don’t plan those things unless you know the person well because many people do not like fuss on their birthdays.

Show quote history

One of them went to bingo! They didnt even send a text - even if they couldnt make it, thats a shitty thing to do on your friend's birthday. Really shitty. I'm glad my friends arent like this.