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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friends didn’t turn up to ‘surprise’ birthday celebrations

308 replies

user1488481370 · 22/04/2023 17:10

In a nutshell Ive recently had a big birthday.
My sister in law organised a ‘surprise’ birthday afternoon tea for me last weekend. I knew something was going on but wasn’t sure what we were doing, where we were going or who with.
I turned up with my mum to a room
with 1 of my friends, SIL’s mum, my auntie and 2 of SIL’s friends. 3 of the people who I consider to be my best friends never even turned up. Made bull shit excuses to SIL and never put the effort in.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do. SIL has put so much effort in and it was lovely to see the people who were there. But I just can’t help but feel heartbroken. I got home and burst into tears. I was trying to bull shit myself saying that it was maybe money and not being able to afford it but I know deep down that won’t be the case.

I don’t know how to approach this, whether to approach it at all. I don’t think I can be the same with them now. I’m so fucking upset and low right now.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2023 08:34

*And the others didn’t come which SIL knew they weren’t. One friend of OP’s her mum, MIL and SIL’s friends. Those are mostly people SIL knows unless OP knows her SIL’s friends.

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2023 08:35

daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 08:34

One of them went to bingo! They didnt even send a text - even if they couldnt make it, thats a shitty thing to do on your friend's birthday. Really shitty. I'm glad my friends arent like this.

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And I said they were being unreasonable.

daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 08:36

phoenixrosehere · 24/04/2023 08:35

And I said they were being unreasonable.

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Agreed. I think OP should stop making such an effort for these people. Their friendship is clearly not reciprocal.

T1Dmama · 24/04/2023 08:56

I’d be gutted if I were you OP!

aniother way of dealing with it is to tag your mother and SIL into a post on Facebook thanking them for arranging such a lovely surprise and say thank you to everyone who made an effort to come and make my birthday special! Then leave it there… you can guarantee they’ll see the post, know it’s a slight dig, probably like or love the post and no more be said.

In future hold back arranging anything for them, only attend events you absolutely want to attend and not out of duty because they’re your ‘friends’…

silence is golden… after the Facebook post I’d go silent on all messenger chats etc for a few days !! Let them think about their cuntiness!!

personally I’d also be looking for some new friends!

T1Dmama · 24/04/2023 08:59

daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 08:36

Agreed. I think OP should stop making such an effort for these people. Their friendship is clearly not reciprocal.

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I don’t think SIL should’ve cancelled…
mmaybe it’s a good thing that OP has found out now that her ‘friends’ are wasters!! I think SIL has done her a favour and I hope OP backs off from these ‘friends’ and branches out to make better ones

justlurkinghere · 24/04/2023 09:07

Does it seem a bit odd that all three didn't come? I wonder if there's something in the background or with your friends and SIL that you aren't aware of OP.

maddy68 · 24/04/2023 09:10

I always mute group chats or leave when I know I can't go anyway. Even if it was arranged in January they may still have had plans I have plans months in advance

Horsedoglover59 · 24/04/2023 09:36

justlurkinghere · 24/04/2023 09:07

Does it seem a bit odd that all three didn't come? I wonder if there's something in the background or with your friends and SIL that you aren't aware of OP.

This is what I'm wondering, if the three friends had a problem with S-in-law?
OP - have they been good friends in the past?

TeddybearBaby · 24/04/2023 09:44

I’d be very hurt too. So sorry!

Have you spoken to your friends about it yet? What a lovely family you have!

Namechange666 · 24/04/2023 09:50

Some people must have pretty thick skins on here op as I'd be massively upset as well.

I'm just like you, I make effort for my friends and their special events. I also don't make a big deal out of things for myself either xxx in fact I often don't have group get togethers because of things like this. I meet my friends one on one as it's much easier and nicer.

Maybe this is a sign to find some new friends. I have when I had people constantly taking from me but never being a friend. Friendship has to be a balance I believe to be a good one.

I hopw you feel a bit better today. And your sil is amazing. You can absolutely count her as a great friend.

ScotchOnTheRocksWithATwist · 24/04/2023 09:54

Your friends must be mumsnetters. Only on mn do I see the attitude that nobody is owed your time, you shouldn't put yourself out for anybody no matter how minor the inconvenience to yourself, and anyone who expects you to is entitled.

Back in the real world people who care about you don't act that way. What you feel is totally understandable.

MouthfulofMidwinter · 24/04/2023 09:59

justlurkinghere · 24/04/2023 09:07

Does it seem a bit odd that all three didn't come? I wonder if there's something in the background or with your friends and SIL that you aren't aware of OP.

Yes, this was my first thought, too. Is there something else going on that the OP perhaps is unaware of, or doesn't think is relevant?

T1Dmama · 24/04/2023 10:20

ScotchOnTheRocksWithATwist · 24/04/2023 09:54

Your friends must be mumsnetters. Only on mn do I see the attitude that nobody is owed your time, you shouldn't put yourself out for anybody no matter how minor the inconvenience to yourself, and anyone who expects you to is entitled.

Back in the real world people who care about you don't act that way. What you feel is totally understandable.

Exactly this!!
ofcourse OP is entitled to have her friends make a bloody effort…. Especially since she’s stated that she’s usually the one arranging things for those ‘friends’
Some people on here are very strange indeed

Inwiththenew · 24/04/2023 13:56

I would ask them all individually why they had messed my family about and then see how I felt after their explanations. The whole point of friends is that they are there to support you when needed and whilst we all have lives to live occasionally as a friend you step up. You sound like a person who gives a lot and doesn’t ask for much in return. The fact that this was important to you is what makes it a big deal. Birthday invites from close friends should always be attended, that’s a given. Don’t accept any lame bullshit about not knowing it was important.

GoodChat · 24/04/2023 14:49

maddy68 · 24/04/2023 09:10

I always mute group chats or leave when I know I can't go anyway. Even if it was arranged in January they may still have had plans I have plans months in advance

That's not what happened here. They asked to change the location, then confirmed attendance, and then cancelled

chopc · 24/04/2023 15:01

I don't think you have anything to lose by asking them. The friendship won't be the same going forward anyway

ChooseTheTree · 24/04/2023 15:15

chopc · 24/04/2023 15:01

I don't think you have anything to lose by asking them. The friendship won't be the same going forward anyway

Nah. I used to be a great believer in clearing the air, trying to get to the bottom of a problem, talking things out, looking at things from the other persons angle and lots of navel- gazing introspection ( have I unwittingly done something to cause this?) Etc etc. Life experience has taught me not to bother - if someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Your 'friend's 'OP are arse holes, no further explanation required. Do not give them any more of your head space and certainly, do not not give up any more of your self esteem by acknowledging that they have hurt you. Be done with them and focus on your SIL and family from now on in. They sound lovely

Blizzard23 · 24/04/2023 15:21

ChooseTheTree · 24/04/2023 15:15

Nah. I used to be a great believer in clearing the air, trying to get to the bottom of a problem, talking things out, looking at things from the other persons angle and lots of navel- gazing introspection ( have I unwittingly done something to cause this?) Etc etc. Life experience has taught me not to bother - if someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Your 'friend's 'OP are arse holes, no further explanation required. Do not give them any more of your head space and certainly, do not not give up any more of your self esteem by acknowledging that they have hurt you. Be done with them and focus on your SIL and family from now on in. They sound lovely

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I agree - it’s often the simple answer that is the truth. No one wants to imagine their friends are feckless users but it’s better to know. As hard as it is.

There is a whole world of people that are out there op to meet, enjoy and have fun times with. They know where you are if they want to apologise and explain.

PeaceLilyCactus · 24/04/2023 16:54

ChooseTheTree · 24/04/2023 15:15

Nah. I used to be a great believer in clearing the air, trying to get to the bottom of a problem, talking things out, looking at things from the other persons angle and lots of navel- gazing introspection ( have I unwittingly done something to cause this?) Etc etc. Life experience has taught me not to bother - if someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Your 'friend's 'OP are arse holes, no further explanation required. Do not give them any more of your head space and certainly, do not not give up any more of your self esteem by acknowledging that they have hurt you. Be done with them and focus on your SIL and family from now on in. They sound lovely

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I totally agree with you. I used to believe that things can be sorted if you just talk them through but experience has shown that’s not the case. Honesty is not always the best policy and a lot of the time it causes more stress and drama than it’s worth. Focus on the good people around you and distance yourself from the ones that make you feel negatively.

ChooseTheTree · 24/04/2023 17:50

@Blizzard23 @PeaceLilyCactus

Yes, it's a hard lesson to learn at the time, but one that has served me well in later life. Only wish I'd learnt it earlier, would have saved me a lot of time and energy trying to 'right ' things, that were not of my doing!
X

Blizzard23 · 24/04/2023 18:08

ChooseTheTree · 24/04/2023 17:50

@Blizzard23 @PeaceLilyCactus

Yes, it's a hard lesson to learn at the time, but one that has served me well in later life. Only wish I'd learnt it earlier, would have saved me a lot of time and energy trying to 'right ' things, that were not of my doing!
X

Exactly, it is a lesson learnt through experience. Although we can teach our children so they don’t have to learn the hard way.

daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 18:41

ChooseTheTree · 24/04/2023 15:15

Nah. I used to be a great believer in clearing the air, trying to get to the bottom of a problem, talking things out, looking at things from the other persons angle and lots of navel- gazing introspection ( have I unwittingly done something to cause this?) Etc etc. Life experience has taught me not to bother - if someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Your 'friend's 'OP are arse holes, no further explanation required. Do not give them any more of your head space and certainly, do not not give up any more of your self esteem by acknowledging that they have hurt you. Be done with them and focus on your SIL and family from now on in. They sound lovely

Show quote history

This is very wise advice. I am lol at the mental gymnastics people in this thread are adopting to explain away/justify this hurtful behaviour when OP has already explained that her SIL has bent over backwards to accommodate these friends so they could attend. She already offered to change venue/give them lifts/ ensure they didnt have to shell out money etc etc and they still couldnt even be arsed to send a text. Thats on them, not the SIL who tried to do a lovely thing.

Sometimes people are just arseholes and all the explaining away in the world wont change that. One even went to bloody bingo which is hardly a prearranged event booked months in advance.

Its true- when people show you who they are, believe them.

ImAGoodPerson · 24/04/2023 19:06

daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 18:41

This is very wise advice. I am lol at the mental gymnastics people in this thread are adopting to explain away/justify this hurtful behaviour when OP has already explained that her SIL has bent over backwards to accommodate these friends so they could attend. She already offered to change venue/give them lifts/ ensure they didnt have to shell out money etc etc and they still couldnt even be arsed to send a text. Thats on them, not the SIL who tried to do a lovely thing.

Sometimes people are just arseholes and all the explaining away in the world wont change that. One even went to bloody bingo which is hardly a prearranged event booked months in advance.

Its true- when people show you who they are, believe them.

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This is all so true. I remember complaining to DH about a friend that had let me down (again). DS was about 7 or 8 and just said mum she always makes you sad, just don't be friends with her. So black and white at that age but he was so right. I completely adjusted my expectations about our friendship from that day on.

ChooseTheTree · 24/04/2023 19:27

daisymoonlight · 24/04/2023 18:41

This is very wise advice. I am lol at the mental gymnastics people in this thread are adopting to explain away/justify this hurtful behaviour when OP has already explained that her SIL has bent over backwards to accommodate these friends so they could attend. She already offered to change venue/give them lifts/ ensure they didnt have to shell out money etc etc and they still couldnt even be arsed to send a text. Thats on them, not the SIL who tried to do a lovely thing.

Sometimes people are just arseholes and all the explaining away in the world wont change that. One even went to bloody bingo which is hardly a prearranged event booked months in advance.

Its true- when people show you who they are, believe them.

Show quote history

Ha! So true. I sometimes think I'm living on another planet when I read some of the response s on these threads. How on earth can behaviour from so called friends like that be excused away?!

MsRosley · 25/04/2023 00:21

Some of you must have exceptionally bad manners to think their overall behaviour is acceptable. I’m glad you’re not in my friendship group.

Yes, some people seem to have exceptionally low standards for what they expect in a friendship.