To take this job despite negative impact on DC?

[MumGuilt3000]

NC for this as have also posted elsewhere and apologies for slightly dramatic title, I don't really think this would be detrimental to DC per se, I just couldn't think of a better way to word it!

I'm currently on mat leave with 1 yo DC, due to return at the end of May. I like my job in the sense that I love my colleagues, but the quality of work is crap and things have apparently changed a lot since I've been on mat leave. Targets have gone up, pay has not increased relatively and expectations are generally getting bigger without much in return. I've been wanting to move on for some time, but the pandemic and then pregnancy put that all on hold for a while.

I've been looking for a new job for a while but nothing suitable has come up. I've agreed 3 days a week on my return with my current employer and in the office once or twice a week. Overall they're pretty flexible about how and when I work, so long as client needs are met - along with targets.

Last week a potential new role came up which would be a huge payrise (think £30k FTE) with better benefits and very similar targets and expectations. Also a huge improvement in quality of work. It's also comforting because I know someone who works there and I'm confident I'd be happy there because she is and I know her personality. They're happy for me to start on 3 or 4 days BUT the catch is they'd want me to go full time from September.

This wasn't the plan - DC is going to nursery 3 days a week and I thought this would be the perfect balance for us. However, this is a really great opportunity and given the huge improvements in all areas of the job, I feel I'd be really stupid to miss out. At the same time, I feel so guilty for putting DC into nursery full time and missing so much time with them when they're so little. It's likely they'll be an only child and I worry I'd regret the decision later on. I'd be in the office 2 days a week and I'd be out of the house from 7.30-7.30 at least on those days, so basically won't see DC.

Now I know I'm incredibly privileged to be in this position and many people have no choice but to work full time and utilise full time childcare, so this post isn't meant to be insensitive and I certainly don't judge anyone who puts their DC in full time, but this wasn't what I'd planned for.

So, AIBU to go for a new role which would make a huge difference to both my career and our finances, even though it would mean DC being in FT childcare, rather than 3 days a week?

@whumpthereitis yes I'm not saying the OP is wrong for wanting treats etc, thats up to her and her DH. Treats etc weren't as important to us as having me at home to look after the kids. We were young when we had DD so not fully established yet, but over the years DH has had decent payrises and we are certainly not scraping by anymore.

I couldn't agree more.

It's how I grew up, scraping by so my mum could be a SAHM. It isn't something I want for my DC.

I want him to have treats, I want to be able to have savings for him, I want to be able to afford clubs and nice holidays for him.

It isn't so I can buy the fanciest house, car or handbag.

We have all these things for our children. But in the early days there was no spare cash cos it all went on the mortgage.

I really don’t understand why you’ve put a baby in ‘daycare’ if you don’t work when it’s clearly a terrible setting. Typically staff at nurseries don’t invite adults with no DBS checks to ‘hang around’ for an hour a day for a start. Plus the legal ratio for caring for babies in England is 1 adult to 3 babies.

@MumGuilt3000 I'd take the role. Delegate some of the life admin and get a cleaner. Be disciplined about switching off when you're home. Many many of us work full time and I'm proud my children see me thriving, financially independent and deeply unquestionably close and committed to them.

I'd try and negotiate 5 in 4 and if possible DH do the same. It's how we have done it. Means DC are still only in childcare 3 days and you have two full time salaries. We both work a long day 11+ hours on the other's NWD , so you don't have to worry about pick up drop off etc, so the other three days are only slightly longer than normal days (both 37 his FT) , and one of us will do drop off and the other pick up. I tend to start early and finish around 5:30, DH will do the opposite.

There’s many ways children can benefit from their parents, and whether people like to acknowledge it or not, money is a significant and not at all unimportant factor.

My parents working hugely benefited my brother and I throughout our childhoods, and benefits us now into adulthood. Money pays for travel, schooling and/or tutoring, and hobbies. It can mean getting through university with little or no debt, house deposits etc. like I said, neither my brother nor I have ever resented my parents from working (working away at times), and are hugely appreciative of them having done so. I wouldn’t have swapped the life we had and have for one which would have meant us scraping by but with a sahp.

Yeah, I can never quite square this circle. But I married a man who actually wanted to parent.

@whumpthereitis we are all different. And even if I was a millionaire I wouldn't be giving my kids a house deposit.

Why not?

@SouthLondonMum22 because I think that there is something to be learnt by having to make your own way, to some extent.

University fees and other expenses I would pay, but after that...no.

My friend had a similar job while hers were little and she paid for a housekeeper who also prepared an evening meal and did their shopping. She had a gardener and had her PA do all the paperwork for the house. On Friday she would kick off her shoes and just be with kids till Monday morning. She was the most relaxed out of all of us…and her kids are awesome too.

Go for it OP. Sounds like a great career opportunity for you.

Sorry, I’m not sure what was inaccurate about what I said. I didn’t say children couldn’t enjoy their time in child care or that they wouldn’t have quality time with a working parent. I said that if you are working full time you are with your child less. Unless you can be in two places at once, this is true. That’s not to say full time work can’t work well for families. Of course it can. I stated in a previous post that my sister went back to work full time when my nephew was 6 months old. They have a great relationship and he certainly hasn’t suffered for it.

That’s great that you organise collections for your kids’ teachers and are on the PTA. Those are not things that the kids are involved in though. I was talking about spending time with the children.

You agree with my next two points and then say I’ve made inaccurate assumptions. Makes no sense.

I absolutely agree that people need to do what‘s best for them. Working parents may well make it to most key events in their kids’ lives but they won’t be there for the little things that happen daily. For someone like OP, who has the choice financially, it really is a case of deciding what your priorities are. And yes, that does look different for every family. There is no universal right or wrong. You are inferring judgement in what I have said when there was none intended.

I didn’t say full time working parents are never at pick up, just not often (true in my experience). There is more flexibility these days with increased working from home post-covid but it doesn’t apply to every job. I don’t personally know anyone who works full time and manages both drop off and pick up. Great that you did but I suspect that’s quite rare. And I am well aware that not all jobs are Mon-Fri 9-5 but it sounds like OPs would be. And she has stated that she’ll be out of the house for at least 12 hours on days she has to go into the office. Her situation sounds quite different to yours…

That's 2 days. The other 3 days it sounds like she'd be working from home which could be flexible enough in several years time to do drop offs and/or pick ups.

OP is a mother. She is worried that she will regret working full time while her child is young. She raised she issue about her own feelings. No one raised it to her.

I understand where you are coming from but not sure of the relevance to this post.

@Croissantsandpistachio is right. Get DH to drop to 4 days and get yourself in a position where you have earns the right to be more flexible when DC start school so that you can go to school events etc. When the DC are little they are ok with being well cared for but when they are older it’s you they want to be able to go to things.

Of course it's relevant.

OP is part of a society where sexism is ingrained from birth which leads to many women worrying that working full time will have a negative impact on their child. They are made to believe that they should feel guilty for wanting a career.

Men are raised to be 'providers', they are expected to work so don't get asked why they bother having children if they were just going to work/not see them/not look after them.

No one said you had to. Some parents however would like to have the option.

@MumGuilt3000 firstly, sign up to the extra days at nursery now, you might lose a deposit but better than them not being available when you need it.

Absolutely send them to nursery for 5 days. They love the routine and having their pals. If you live in an area with people similar to you, older dads etc, it’s likely they will have similar peers there (parents older, FT working, only child). That’s what I’ve found where I live. As an only child, I actually think them being in nursery with peers will be nice for them. Take the FT job and make use of unpaid parental leave that you’re entitled to on top of annual leave, and do stuff 121 then, nice days out etc. “You’re entitled to 18 weeks’ leave for each child and adopted child, up to their 18th birthday.” https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement Use the money to do short trips with them 121 to cities and Europe.

It is really hard as a mummy, I feel like I miss out, I had to take weeks off recently due to a childcare issue and was bereft when started new setting. Toddler couldn’t care less! I wake up early and make sure I have breakfast and playtime with them each morning.

However this is your life and only you can decide if you want to live it with the current job and more time with your child or the better job and slightly less time. The way I made peace with my decision is by imagining them when they’re 11yo and I’m not their world anymore - the life I want to enjoy with my child and the person I want to be is achieved by me working full time and taking promotions. I don’t think I’d be a happy person in 10 years if I’d been working PT and hadn’t progressed in my career like I could have done otherwise. I might even be resentful. But that is me.

I would definitely take the role, if anything you may have the opportunity to keep those hours if you prefer or may decide to stay as you are. I would try to negotiate your days in the office down if possible for a better work life balance. You can always see how you feel by the time Sep comes around. They may love you so much they agree to be more flexible.

Crucially, the salary bump will allow you to move into another role paying on par or the same; and put some money away.

OP states that she doesn’t think her working will have a detrimental effect on her child. She is worried that she will regret not spending the time with her child because she will have missed out. Not that her child will negatively impacted. She’s weighing up whether she wants this career enough to allow it to reduce the time she spends with her child.

My experience of our society is that women are made to feel guilty for not wanting a career. Childrearing is not at all valued and we should all have high powered careers as well as having kids.

As for men, I think expectations are starting to shift there too. While a man is unlikely to be questioned or shamed for working full time, I’ve seen plenty of posts from women complaining their husbands don’t do their fair share when it comes to looking after the kids and, yes, even questioning why they became fathers. So it’s not as black and white and you seem to suggest.

Lots of posts here reassuring OP that her child will be fine. But that’s not what she’s worried about.

I agree with this.

Nowadays, working ft is so much easier if you can WFH for part of it. I have to pinch myself my company is paying me to do this from home. Parent of young children can do drop offs, pick ups and easily make up time or get extra sleep because you save yourself the commute. I wish I had this when dc were young. The young mothers who work for me take this as given.

My office is hybrid 3 weeks in the office but almost no one does this unless they actually prefer to work in the office. When I go in on Wed/Thu, about half of the office is in. Your office may not be strict on the 3 days in the office and if they are, you can negotiate down, if needed.

The money makes a big difference when your dcs are teenagers. You can pay for tutors, activities, private school (if needed), university top ups. In addition, you can retire earlier with such a big pay jump over 2 decades. There is much to be said for financial security for you and your family and a second earner who pulls her weight.

Your child will most likely be fine either way. I have plenty of friends whose children are in nursery full time 8 until 5pm every day and they are thriving, love their nursery, confident - no issues at all. It depends what you want. I'm a SAHM and I do some part time remote work sporadically, so it's easy to fit in.
I sent my DS to nursery 4 mornings a week when he was 10 months old and it took him another 16 months before he settled (stopped crying at drop off - now he loves it & runs in) - all kids are different. You won't know until you try. Also like others have said the first 4 months of nursery he was sick so much, it was horrendous. But now it's obviously alot better but you & DH will need to factor that in & how you will manage.
Personally I would stick to the 3 days in current job and see how you find working and parenting before making any decisions. I loved being able to spend so much time with my DS but the ages of 18 months to 2.5 have been horrific (tantrums etc) that I would happily have worked full time - now he's nearly 3 it's been lovely to have quality time together and he really does change day by day.
I would not have wanted to miss out but that's me and I'm not you. Plenty of parents work full time without issues. Most important thing for a kid is a happy parent.
Part time work can sound like the best of both worlds but there's a risk you end up doing a full weeks worth of work in 3/4 days and more stressed out. If you take the full time job, you can always quit, find something else. I'd advise getting a cleaner/help so that you & DH time off is not eaten up by chores.